Sorry, Chicago. Hell-o, Lola!

So Rio de Janeiro gets the Olympics in 2016, eh? Tell me again why it is that people are surprised that Chicago didn't get the Olympics? Was it because President Barry gave a little talk-a-roo to the masses and that still didn't sway the IOC? Was it because The Oprah gave a little talk-a-roo as well to the masses and that still didn't sway the IOC? Is that it? Man, I certainly hope that's why folks are surprised. Maybe now they'll start figuring out that President Barry and The Oprah are not the have all to be all to end all of human civilization. Maybe instead of The Oprah and President Barry they should have gotten that voice in the cornfield that talked to Kevin Costner. When that voice talked, things got done!

People seemed genuinely shocked when Chicago lost. Me, I was genuinely shocked when I learned that Chicago was in the running. It's the Summer Olympics, folks. I guess that when I think "summer", my mind doesn't automatically make the jump to "Chicago", you know what I mean? What, exactly, was supposed to lure the folks of the IOC to want to have the Olympics in Chicago? Could it have been the....

...pollution?

...air traffic?

...crime? (As long as they don't veer too far from northern Chicago and/or the airport, things would probably have been fine.)

...summer heat?

....weather? (Did I mention that Chicago gets intermittent thunderstorms in the summer? Without warning. It just suddenly rains. Not good for Olympic-ville.)

...or perhaps a little bit of the corruption.

According to MSNBC, "At least 79 elected officials have been convicted of wrongdoing since 1972"! That's almost two per year! What the hell, Chicago? Three former governors have been imprisoned. And if I were writing this a year from now, that number would probably be four thanks to weasely Rod Blagojevich! Granted, one of the governors wasn't in jail for things that he did as governor, but still. The current administration of the mayor of Chicago, Richard Daley, is under federal investigation for corruption. While Daley himself is not under investigation (allegedly), well, you know...apple...tree. Draw your own conclusions.

So really? Y'all are still perplexed, eh? You put that much faith in President Barry and The Oprah? Wow. Well, at least you're capable of having faith in something. I've given up entirely, so maybe Chicago has one over on me. Then again, I wouldn't have wasted my time campaigning for Chicago, so while they have their faith, I have a whole bunch of extra time on my hands.

So now that we know what Chicago has, what about Rio? What do they have? They have Party Town, South America is what they have. Look, I was standing amidst a substantial crown in Liberty Park in downtown Salt Lake City when they announced that Salt Lake had effectively bribed their way to being awarded the 2002 Winter Olympics (I'm paraphrasing, of course). People whooped. People hollered. But it wasn't anything like what went on down in Rio when they received their news. (By the way, I'd like to make it clear that I did not whoop, nor holler. People were so damned excited that I figured that this must be something imminent, so I kind of asked around. When is this thing, next Tuesday? What?!?! Six YEARS from now?!! Are you kidding me?! Why all the shouting?? What's with the hooplah?)

You know who is the happiest person of them all out there that Rio was given the 2016 games? The one person who is just beside himself with joy? That's right. Barry Manilow. Why Barry Manilow? Can you just imagine the amount of royalties that are going to come pouring in when the Olympics are in Rio and the song Copacabana is played eighty two gazillion times over that fourteen day (or seventeen day) period? For the geographically challenged,Copacabana Beach is in Rio de Janeiro. (Her name was Lo-la!)

OK, hokey smokes! In Salt Lake a bunch of people waved little flags and blew horns. I think Karl Malone might have done a fist pump in the air. I do remember a couple of streamers. Other than that, there was none of this downpouring of celebratory confetti like we see here. (She was a show-girl!)

Folks in other parts of the world, especially the amoral America, are going to have to get used to the fact that religion is a pretty big part of life for those folks down there in South America. They're big on the whole Jesus thing. They built a massive Jesus statue on a hilltop in Rio de Janeiro. THAT'S how much they like Jesus. They also like Jesus so much they put a picture of their statue of him on the world's largest beach blanket which they unveiled during their celebration. Behold! (With yellow feathers in her hair!)

If this photo is any indication, there are going to be a lot of those little twisty balloon animals when the Olympics finally roll into Rio. Behold! (And a dress cut down to there!)

In Rio, this guy is celebrating. In America, he'd merely be one of the homeless. (She would merengue!)

Wouldn't you know it? Leave it to Jermaine Jackson to inject himself into the middle of anything getting attention these days! What? What's that? That's not Jermaine Jackson. Oh. Awkward. Well, then, good for Pele for coming out and celebrating with the masses then! (And do the cha-cha!)

Here is a woman who is celebrating Rio hosting the Olympics with one of those twisty balloons which has been fashioned into a toilet seat around her neck. (And while she tried to be a star...)

They are also quite fond of breasts in Rio de Janeiro as well. And who isn't, really? (Though if these are the kind we're talking about, count me out for now, OK?) Behold! (Tony always tended bar!)

I guess the Olympics have never been in South America before, so this is kind of cool. Congratulations, Rio de Janeiro! Now could you lower the damn price of coffee beans, please?

Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 till 4
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....they fell in love!

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