I Club Morons

People that commit acts of vandalism usually have one thing in common. They're all morons. Seriously, what's the deal with vandalizing things? I don't get it. Is it really going to make you feel all that much better to know that you've destroyed something of someone else's? What is that supposed to do-slash-accomplish? Since it most often exhibits the degree of one's cowardice because it's done anonymously, I can only guess that those who vandalize are trying to send a message that they themselves are too chicken to deliver in person? And by doing so anonymously along with destroying something, is that supposed to inject the element of the unknown along with a dash of fear? If that is actually the case (I don't know if it is or not, being as how I'm not a vandal, nor do I associate with vandals) I'd like to just make it clear that it doesn't work that way. No, see, all it elicits from people is anger and all it says about the vandals is that they're morons.

Case in point would be a golf course at the Lakeville Country Club in Lakeville, MA. (Original name. They must have thought for weeks about that one.) According to Fanhouse, "A hateful message aimed at U.S. President Barack Obama, and involving a swastika, was carved in to a Boston-area golf course green early Monday morning." Huh. Playing the ol' Hitler/Nazi/swastika card on the golf course now, eh? Seems odd. Did Hitler and the Nazis have a fondness for golf or anything? What about the opposite? Did they have a hatred for golf? If so, what kind of a hatred? Like hatred-hatred or, like in Hitler's case, hatred-Jew-hatred? Big difference, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Anyway, the "hateful message" that was carved read "I (symbol of the swastika) Obama". Wait. What?

I swastika Obama? What the heck does that mean? The swastika isn't a stand-in symbol for hate. I mean, sure, it's been associated with hate, obviously! But it's not a hate synonym. Take the heart symbol for example. The heart symbol is absolutely a stand-in for the word "love". You've all seen it on bumper stickers or whatever. You can also switch the word "heart" for the word "love" and it still means the same thing and people know what you mean.

One can say "I heart my new dining room chairs" or "I heart my Kitchenaid mixer" and we can all pretty much understand that you love your new dining room chairs or your new Kitchenaid mixer. But if you said "I swastika my old hand mixer" or "I swastika my old dining room chairs" that wouldn't make a lick of sense. In fact, I'd probably wonder if you'd just had a stroke at the moment you started talking if you said "I swastika my (fill in the blank)". You what-ika? Hey, dumbass, if you're not having a stroke, speak English, would ya?

The whole deal of using some sort of a symbol to stand for a word should really be limited to the suits in a deck of cards, sans the diamond. The diamond really has no place in this analogy/rule of thumb. But take for instance, the heart. I heart this. I heart that. (If you're really charismatic and, in some cases, quite affable, you can get away with things like "I hearted it!" or "Super heart!" and it not only makes sense, it's quite charming.) We all know what you mean if you say that you heart something. You can use the other suits in a similar fashion:

I heart my cat.

I spade my dog.

I club seals.

Now where was I? Oh, right. The idiocy of someone carving up a golf green. That's where I was. Now look, I'm guessing that this was more about getting back at or taking a vengeance out on someone in the golf world or just at that particular golf course. As an inactive and non-practicing golf enthusiast, I know that the green is like a sacred territory. I'm surprised that they don't have animal sacrifices to the Gods on the greens. They're that sacred. To mar one's green is the metaphorical equivalent of poking someone right smack dab in the middle of both eyeballs, a la Larry, Curly, Moe and, depending upon your viewing time frame, the oft overlooked stooge, Shemp. I see it more of an insult to golf and the English language than I do toward President Barry.

I still have no idea what it means, though I'm guessing that said vandals were trying to do some sort of evil mini crop circle invoking Hitler and directing said invocation toward President Barry (who I doubt really gives a fat rat's ass what anyone carves in a golf green anywhere unless he happens to be playing that particular course). Whatever it was intended to convey, I just hope that they catch whoever did it and makes them parade up and down the main street of down, wearing an "I Am An Idiot" sandwich board and ringing a bell. That's all.

Oh, did I mention they should be naked when they're doing that? Yeah, they should. That should do it!

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