Have YOU Seen Chicago?

I just knew that Lindsay Lohan would be the gift that keeps on giving. I just didn't know that all of the gift giving was going to begin so soon! And this is only going to get better. See, she's not supposed to report to jail until July 20th, so the shenanigans have a full 8 days to really get a-hoppin'. And they're starting...now!


A HUGE thank you to the pop-culture minded folks over at PopEater for their article which allowed me to start my day with a huge smile. A big pile of awesome sauce was what that story consisted of. Allow me to share my joy with you and recap the gist of the article.

As I'm sure you remember with glee, when Lindsay was (theoretically) sentenced to 90 days in jail last week, she burst into tears as if she had learned that she just missed a happy hour. Meanwhile, the rest of the country burst out laughing. It's always nice to see a self-centered, almost washed up celebrity get their long overdue come-uppance. Always a pleasure, indeed.

But here's the thing: According to a one Rob Shuter who provided us with this humorous update over at PopEater, Lindsay isn't worried about jail anymore. Nope. That's not a problem for her. Why not? Oh, because she doesn't think she'll have to go, of course. According to the source (named "a friend of Lohan's"), "Lindsay has no intention of going to jail. The only thing that Lindsay did wrong was hire the wrong attorney and now she has fixed that." Oh, really?

I never would have thought that I would have had anything in common with Lindsay Lohan. But apparently, I do! See, I, too, have no intention of going to jail. We're practically sisters! Then again, the reason that I have no intention of going to jail is because I don't get popped for consecutive DUIs and then not manage to attend only 13 alcohol classes in 3 years and miss court dates because I'm at Cannes snorting coke with my friends du jour. Other than that, we're practically the same.

Please, please, please, no one tell Lindsay that she did a little more wrong than hiring the wrong attorney. Please. I love me a clueless bitch. When she does end up going to jail (and she wil), it will only make the spectacle that much more enjoyable for the rest of us. It will be like the Paris Hilton debacle all over again...only better! And we remember how good THAT was! Oh, it was awesome. The tears! The getting released early only to be taken back with more tears! The cries of "It's not fair!" as if she's a tantrumming four year old! It's all going to happen again, only in a rare form not usually seen more than once or twice a millennium. Set your DVRs!

Rob writes that "... now that her new lawyer is in place (her new lawyer being a one Stuart V. Goldberg of the Chicago Stuart V. Goldbergs), sources tell me Lindsay is confident she won't have to spend a minute in jail." Oh, awesome. I love false confidence! It's the best kind of confidence to have when that bubble gets burst!

But, come on! Lindsay isn't stupid. There's a reason for her confidence. The FOLL (Friend Of Lindsay Lohan) tells Rob, "She is paying her new lawyer a fortune to fix this mess. She doesn't care what it takes. If Lindsay needs to start a Facebook campaign or set up protests or something like that she is totally into it. They are treating Lindsay differently because she is a star, so it's about time she used her star power to help her. She's seen the movie 'Chicago' several times, so it's not like she doesn't know how this sort of thing works!" Um, wait. What now?

I'm just going to sit here for a minute and let that last sentence soak in a little bit. I can wait. I can wait and bask in the anticipatory glory that I will be bathed in when she goes to jail. Good Lord...

Let's take that from the beginning, shall we? She makes it sound like starting a "Facebook campaign" is going to do something. OK, granted, it got Betty White to host Saturday Night Live, but that was because there were over half a million people who joined the dang thing. You're be hard pressed to find half of a person that thinks that she shouldn't go to jail. And as for the protests, dear God, PLEASE do them! Please! I would have blog fodder for a week if that happened. The interviews with protesters? My God, the interviews! I could probably die the next day and feel that my life was full and fulfilled.

And I don't know that her "star power" is shining quite as bright as she thinks it is. Does she not realize that the majority of the country was laughing their ass off as she was crying her tears of disbelief? Yeah, they were. And how ironic is it that she doesn't want to be treated differently because she is a celebrity, but only under these circumstances. Oh, sure, she wants that celebrity status in every other aspect of her life, but not when it comes to the legal system? See, it doesn't quite work that way, LiLo, you twit. All you had to do was attend THIRTEEN classes. In THREE years! Is it because you can't count all the way to thirteen? Was that the problem?

And thank God that she's seen Chicago "several times"! Whew! I was beginning to think that she hadn't seen it at all! Look, I don't even know what that is supposed to mean, really. I've seen lots of movies several times, but rarely has that ever played a part in my real life. Multiple movie screenings are certainly not the reason why I'm not faced with going to jail, that I'm fairly certain of. (OK, Ferris Bueller's Day Off did teach me the proper way to go about hijacking a parade float, but other than that, I don't know that I've gained useful knowledge from my cinematic indulgences.)

I enjoy delusions of grandeur. This is going to be awesome. I did notice that there was only the mention of her thinking that she won't have to go to jail . There didn't seem to be any mention of the other part of her sentence that included her having to spend 90 days in rehab. Are there any movies about that upon which she can rely to get her out of rebab? Leaving Las Vegas? Oooh, no. That was probably a bad example. Anything else? No? Nothing? Awesome.

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Sorry, Chicago. Hell-o, Lola!

So Rio de Janeiro gets the Olympics in 2016, eh? Tell me again why it is that people are surprised that Chicago didn't get the Olympics? Was it because President Barry gave a little talk-a-roo to the masses and that still didn't sway the IOC? Was it because The Oprah gave a little talk-a-roo as well to the masses and that still didn't sway the IOC? Is that it? Man, I certainly hope that's why folks are surprised. Maybe now they'll start figuring out that President Barry and The Oprah are not the have all to be all to end all of human civilization. Maybe instead of The Oprah and President Barry they should have gotten that voice in the cornfield that talked to Kevin Costner. When that voice talked, things got done!

People seemed genuinely shocked when Chicago lost. Me, I was genuinely shocked when I learned that Chicago was in the running. It's the Summer Olympics, folks. I guess that when I think "summer", my mind doesn't automatically make the jump to "Chicago", you know what I mean? What, exactly, was supposed to lure the folks of the IOC to want to have the Olympics in Chicago? Could it have been the....

...pollution?

...air traffic?

...crime? (As long as they don't veer too far from northern Chicago and/or the airport, things would probably have been fine.)

...summer heat?

....weather? (Did I mention that Chicago gets intermittent thunderstorms in the summer? Without warning. It just suddenly rains. Not good for Olympic-ville.)

...or perhaps a little bit of the corruption.

According to MSNBC, "At least 79 elected officials have been convicted of wrongdoing since 1972"! That's almost two per year! What the hell, Chicago? Three former governors have been imprisoned. And if I were writing this a year from now, that number would probably be four thanks to weasely Rod Blagojevich! Granted, one of the governors wasn't in jail for things that he did as governor, but still. The current administration of the mayor of Chicago, Richard Daley, is under federal investigation for corruption. While Daley himself is not under investigation (allegedly), well, you know...apple...tree. Draw your own conclusions.

So really? Y'all are still perplexed, eh? You put that much faith in President Barry and The Oprah? Wow. Well, at least you're capable of having faith in something. I've given up entirely, so maybe Chicago has one over on me. Then again, I wouldn't have wasted my time campaigning for Chicago, so while they have their faith, I have a whole bunch of extra time on my hands.

So now that we know what Chicago has, what about Rio? What do they have? They have Party Town, South America is what they have. Look, I was standing amidst a substantial crown in Liberty Park in downtown Salt Lake City when they announced that Salt Lake had effectively bribed their way to being awarded the 2002 Winter Olympics (I'm paraphrasing, of course). People whooped. People hollered. But it wasn't anything like what went on down in Rio when they received their news. (By the way, I'd like to make it clear that I did not whoop, nor holler. People were so damned excited that I figured that this must be something imminent, so I kind of asked around. When is this thing, next Tuesday? What?!?! Six YEARS from now?!! Are you kidding me?! Why all the shouting?? What's with the hooplah?)

You know who is the happiest person of them all out there that Rio was given the 2016 games? The one person who is just beside himself with joy? That's right. Barry Manilow. Why Barry Manilow? Can you just imagine the amount of royalties that are going to come pouring in when the Olympics are in Rio and the song Copacabana is played eighty two gazillion times over that fourteen day (or seventeen day) period? For the geographically challenged,Copacabana Beach is in Rio de Janeiro. (Her name was Lo-la!)

OK, hokey smokes! In Salt Lake a bunch of people waved little flags and blew horns. I think Karl Malone might have done a fist pump in the air. I do remember a couple of streamers. Other than that, there was none of this downpouring of celebratory confetti like we see here. (She was a show-girl!)

Folks in other parts of the world, especially the amoral America, are going to have to get used to the fact that religion is a pretty big part of life for those folks down there in South America. They're big on the whole Jesus thing. They built a massive Jesus statue on a hilltop in Rio de Janeiro. THAT'S how much they like Jesus. They also like Jesus so much they put a picture of their statue of him on the world's largest beach blanket which they unveiled during their celebration. Behold! (With yellow feathers in her hair!)

If this photo is any indication, there are going to be a lot of those little twisty balloon animals when the Olympics finally roll into Rio. Behold! (And a dress cut down to there!)

In Rio, this guy is celebrating. In America, he'd merely be one of the homeless. (She would merengue!)

Wouldn't you know it? Leave it to Jermaine Jackson to inject himself into the middle of anything getting attention these days! What? What's that? That's not Jermaine Jackson. Oh. Awkward. Well, then, good for Pele for coming out and celebrating with the masses then! (And do the cha-cha!)

Here is a woman who is celebrating Rio hosting the Olympics with one of those twisty balloons which has been fashioned into a toilet seat around her neck. (And while she tried to be a star...)

They are also quite fond of breasts in Rio de Janeiro as well. And who isn't, really? (Though if these are the kind we're talking about, count me out for now, OK?) Behold! (Tony always tended bar!)

I guess the Olympics have never been in South America before, so this is kind of cool. Congratulations, Rio de Janeiro! Now could you lower the damn price of coffee beans, please?

Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 till 4
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....they fell in love!

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