They Wore What to the Emmys?

My hell, didn't we just have an awards show to mock incessantly? I think we did! And now the Emmys are suddenly here and so here we go again! Quite frankly, it's exhausting. You'd think that they could spread 'em out a little bit and let us find our bearings again. But no. No. Instead one week after some jackass rapper interrupts the greatest moment of some little 19-year old's professional (and probably personal) life, we find ourselves once again in the position of feeling the urge to critique those in the spotlight at the Emmy Awards. How do we do it? Mediocre on most occasions, but let's give this one a whirl and see how it comes out, shall we?

First of all, if your name is January Jones, don't you have sort of an obligation to look good? To look just as sexy as your name sounds? Who would have ever thought that "January" could be thought of as sexy? But it just rolls off your tongue (kind of like you'd wish that she would) and it works. For whatever reason, it works. And so did her dress at the Emmys. Behold!

Yeah, it works. And I don't even care why. You look like that, you can get there anyway that you want. As a friend of mine once said, "I love me some January Jones." Well said.

Drew Barrymore could show up at the Emmys wearing a bathmat and she'd still look good. She'd even make the bathmat look good. Don't believe me? Behold!

Yeah, the Bed, Bath & Beyond folks really should consider getting in touch with Drew. She's just adorable. Even that woman behind her on the left with her boring, white, sleeveless top and her "I'm Michelle Obama" too high waisted skirt thinks so.

Fortunately, these were the regular Emmys where people knew to show up and not bring their pets. That would be as opposed to the Daytime Emmys where not all people knew to show up without their pets. Or without their handbag masquerading as a pet. Or was it the other way around? You tell me. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be a one Stacy Haiduk from The Young and the Restless. I got a little bit restless myself looking at that cat purse there. Even though she was at the Daytime Emmys and not the regular Emmys, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to throw this in. Where else was I going to showcase it? There's hardly a call for this sort of thing...um...anywhere! But wait! As if that isn't creepy enough, how about a frontal shot? Behold!

Man, that weirds me out. As it should anyone! Back to happy! Back to happy!

Heidi Klum never ceases to look fabulous. Even when she is extremely pregnant and looking so huge that it makes me nervous, she is stunning. I want to know where you find a dress designer that can make you look this good when you are that preggers. Whoever that person is, they should get their own Emmy. I wouldn't imagine that it's an easy feat to pull off.

With Heidi Klum looking like she could drop the kid before the first commercial break, you'd think that they might require her to bring along her own, uh, person who supervises things like that at times like those. I don't know what you'd call someone like that, but perhaps Sarah Silverman has one hidden underneath her gown here. Behold!

Seriously, does it not look like she has two elves (I envision them to be the Keebler elves, mainly because it's cuter that way and because they'd likely have cookies to snack on during the down times) underneath there who are just holding up the sides, probably for no other reason than if they let them down they'd suffocate under there? She looks a little dismayed without Jimmy Kimmel by her side. Ooh! Hey! Maybe he's under there with Guillermo, his parking attendant! Um....hmmm. Some things are probably better left unknown. This is one (or two) of them. Moving on!

The disaster above is a one Phoebe Price. I cannot for the life of me figure this one out, mainly because this is her as she is arriving to the Emmys. See, if it were after the Emmys, that would make sense. A drink here, a drink there, a couple of clandestine makeout sessions behind the buffet table and you could easily come out looking like that. Hell, you could easily come out looking a lot worse than that! But before the Emmys have even started? That's perplexing. It's not as perplexing as trying to figure out just how many legs this woman actually is sporting these days. Behold!

She's like an octopus. You can't tell where anything ends and where anything else begins. The arrows all point to different areas that could, in fact, be a leg or some other sort of external appendage which may be useful or, like it's cousin, the appendix, may not be useful. It's hard to say. Your eyes just don't know where to focus. Everything just keeps coming at you from all different angles. It's quite distracting.

I've looked fairly thoroughly online to try and figure out why, exactly, this person is even at the Emmys. Never mind the pink sparkly dress covered in sequined Q-Tips or palm trees or mascara brushes or whatever they are. I know it's hard, but never mind that for right now. Why on earth is Shar Jackson at the Emmys? Wait. Who?

Yeah, that's my point. Who? Shar Jackson is the ex of K-Fed. K-Fed being the now ex-Mr. Britney Spears. That's it. That's all I've got. Oh, sure, she's had TV roles. Let's see, what was she last in? Oh, that's right! Moesha!! Seriously, why is she there? No clue. None. I can't even think of anything worth speculating about because there's nothing! So instead, I'll use this moment to throw in that K-Fed has become K-Fat since his departure from Camp Spears. Behold!

OK, that's enough (clearly) of that. Finally, we have what could possibly be the worst idea in award show dresses ever. If it is not the worst one ever (so far, of course. There's always time for some nitwit to come up with something far, far worse) it is definitely in the running. In the running with...? Glad you asked. It is at least as bad as:

Bjork and Celine Dion in 1999:

Uma Thurman in 2004 (as a cross between what appears to be Aladdin and the Swiss Miss girl):

Cher in 1986: Diane Keaton (as Charlie Chaplin in drag, apparently) in 2004:

Geena Davis in 1992: Yes, quite possibly worse than all of those. That's right. It's Victoria Powell in the Obama Tablecloth Gown. Behold!

I....I....I really don't know what to say. But President Barry is supposed to be on Letterman on Monday night. I'm going to bet that Dave will ask him about it, so I'm deferring to Dave and his interviewing skills (and the fact that he actually gets to talk to him and I, on the other hand, do not) to address this monumental failure of the Executive Branch of Red Carpet Fashion. Good Lord....

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