
Friday, September 30, 2011
Happy Birthday, Dad

Thursday, September 29, 2011
Say What?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011
So He's Jewish, Eh?

Now, I don't give a fat rat's ass what religion anyone is. I kind of care




Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Happy Birthday, My Friend


Monday, September 26, 2011
Go Hike By North Korea Next

See, I wasn't going to rip into these people until they were back on American soil. I figured that







I hope these three go away and are never heard from again. But I know that's not going to happen. I know that there will be a book or a Lifetime movie of the week or a slew of TV appearances. And if I have to put up with that, then I also hope that they'll pay back the money that was spent for their release. Is that too much to ask? Maybe that would help our relations with them. Idiots.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
This Is Why She's Like That

Saturday, September 24, 2011
But She's Rehabilitated

Ms. Murphy was sentenced to life with the possibility of parole. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that if you participate in any sort of ritual where someone loses their head in the process, I'm not all that comfortable with you ever having freedom again. Again, call me crazy, but that just doesn't seem like it makes a lot of sense to me. (Don't even get me started on the fairly obvious safety concerns that would also accompany an issue like this.)
Also, "Twice denied freedom in the 1990s, she was deemed

Wow. I don't know exactly what's going on here, but that Ms. Bump sure had a lot of faith in someone who had cut off someone else's head on purpose. What do you say in your interview to convince someone to hire you under those circumstances? "It is what it is"? "I was young"? "It was just a bad night. Haven't we all had one bad night?"
Friday, September 23, 2011
You're Not Gonna Be A Great Breakdancer

Thursday, September 22, 2011
And No One Gets Fired

I'm sure that by now you've heard the story of how the Justice Department spent outrageous sums of money on minor items. What we're talking about specifically are things like spending sixteen dollars for one muffin and spending $8.24 for one cup of coffee and five bucks for a Swedish meatball. And all of this ridiculous gastronomical spending took place at conferences that the Justice Department held at places like the Hilton in San Francisco. Real smart.
Now look, I've been to plenty of conferences in my time. And this is what I can tell you about them:



ALL that they're going to do is ask agencies to REVIEW the spending of MY money?! Why in the bloody hell are they not doing that in the first place?! Remember all of that hope and change blather? Nothing has changed! Thus, my lack of hope! Don't you think that if "change" was your priority that you would have "changed" things a long time ago? Are you kidding me?! Some softhead out there (getting paid with MY money) thinks that it is OK to spend $16 each on many, many muffins and they don't get fired?!

And I swear to you, if I read one, just ONE account of any of this incompetent spending having originated during the Bush administration, I am going to lose it. I don't care. This is what is happening now. And people need to be held accountable...by being fired. Also, if anyone out there has any idea what a $16 muffin tastes like, I'd like to know.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Really, Fox News?
::: sigh ::: Behold.

Fellatio Recipient Opines About Something Non-fellatious
Big ol' Liar Is Embarrassed For The Country
Adulterer Wants To Strangle Non-Believers
Yes, we could have any of those headlines, but we don't. You know why? Because it's not good journalism, that is correct. And it really irks me because I try to give cable news the benefit of the doubt most of the time. But a headline like that at the "Fair and Balanced" news station just isn't making that possible for me. Keep it classy, Fox News.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
How Long?!

1993?! Are you kidding me?! That's almost twenty years! What in the world could these people be

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Monday, September 19, 2011
Arrrr!




- Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And m
y personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
- These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
- There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.
People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.
- Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.
- And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"
The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:
- 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
- 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
- 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
- 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
- 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
- 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
- 2. Well blow me down?
- And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
- 1. Prepare to be boarded.
And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.
- 10. What are YOU doing here?
- 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
- 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
- 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
- 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
- 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
- 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
- 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
- 2. RAMMING SPEED!
- ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
- 1. You. Pants Off. Now!
Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!
Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell you....it grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!
Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Buh-Bye, Borders

Saturday, September 17, 2011
Show Me The Money

And I really don't care one way or the other whether or not they let those numbnuts go. As much as I



Please tell me that the United States doesn't have some sort of Stupid Ass Lost Hiker Fund or anything like that. And if we do, please tell me that it's funded by private donations of those sympathetic to stupid ass lost hikers. Don't tell me that it's taxpayer money or anything like that. Sorry that I'm not more sympathetic, but I don't have a lot of patience for things that are REALLY easy to avoid. Look at me! Here I am! NOT hiking anywhere NEAR Iran! See? Easy.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Baby Monkey, Baby Monkey
Thursday, September 15, 2011
What's The Code For "This Is Ridiculous"?

Am I the only one who is wondering why the federal government is





