Happy Birthday, Dad

If my Dad were still around, today would have been his birthday. Come to think of it, around or not, it's still his birthday. Regardless, even though I am fully aware that he (likely) does not have a computer or the Internet, I'm still doing it this way.

Happy birthday, Dad.

We'll be having your usual birthday dinner tonight. No sense in missing out on that. I sure do wish you could be here for it. As far as everything else goes, since I talk to you all the time, I won't go into a ton of detail because you already know everything.

I sure do miss you and I really wish you could come back.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

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Say What?

Well. Yesterday, at the trial of Michael Jackson's doctor, a one Conrad Murray, the prosecution played some audio tapes of Jacko when he was kind of...well...out of it. It was probably due to his being under the influence of a particular sedative used for things like, say, when people are having brain surgery. (It could also be used to sedate any number of uptight rhinocerii. The point here is that it's strong.) Seriously, it's pretty sad. You can barely understand the guy. It's not so much like you're hearing him from beyond the grave as much as it is that you're hearing him from in the grave. It sure sounds muffled. And while I'm not here (just yet) to pass judgment on the guy, I am going to say that if you know anyone who is in the condition that Michael Jackson was in, you should probably do a little bit more for that person than to tape their barely coherent little screeds. See for yourself. There's some of the audio (and don't worry about understanding it because it's transcribed) below. And if it doesn't load, click here.

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So He's Jewish, Eh?

Hey, hiker boy. Yeah, you. And your two dimwitted hiker friends who like to hike right next to the Iranian border. Yeah, you guys. I have a question for you. You all seem pretty down on the United States and its policies toward Iran. Actually, you all seem pretty down on the United States in general. (Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fan of any of the wars. (I've lost count. Are there still just the two or are we counting our NATO involvement over there in Libya as three?) I don't think that the U.S. is perfect and/or flawless. But I'm not so disgusted with it that I'm going to run off and go live in and sing the praises of Syria for cryin' out loud.) You made it VERY clear that you were held in Iran for as long as you were because you were Americans. (Dumbass Americans, but Americans none the less.) You made it sound like the policies of the United States were your ONLY enemy during your situation that you got yourself into. You made it sound like if only the U.S. had done things differently in regard to its stance with Iran that things would have turned out differently for you. Why then is it that everyone went to great lengths to hide the fact that you, Josh Fattal, are Jewish?

Now, I don't give a fat rat's ass what religion anyone is. I kind of care what they do in the name of their religion (Islamic extremists, I'm talking to you), but other than that, have at it! I don't care and I don't understand people who do care. But you know who cares? You know who really, really cares if you're Jewish? That's right. Ol' Ahmadinejad (I'm a Dinner Jacket) of Iran. He's not a fan of the Jew. Or of the Israel. He has infamously said that he'd like to see Israel wiped off the map. (And for those of you sticklers out there, the actual quote was "The Imam said this regime occupying Jerusalem must vanish from the page of time." Yes, I realize that there's nothing in there about a map, per se. But tell me that doesn't mean the same thing. He does not like them.)

So it wasn't until after all of the wayward hikers had been released from Iranian custody that the word gets out that Josh Fattal is Jewish and that it was purposely kept under wraps while he was in prison. (Can I just say that I am amazed that any secret can be kept these days, especially when it involves a story/person in the news.) Now, why would that be an important thing to keep secret if the only reason that they were being held is because they were Americans and because of U.S. foreign policies? Oh, could it be because Dinner Jacket is a lunatic and if he were to find out that Josh was Jewish that he might never be let go? Yeah, that sounds more like it.

Look, all I'm trying to point out is how intellectually dishonest those three are being with themselves and with others in regard to what they "believe". If they truly believed that they were being held simply because they were pawns, then wouldn't they have believed that it should be OK for it to have been known that Josh is Jewish? You'd think. But obviously, since that information was suppressed (and I totally believe that it should have been), there are other components at work here than simply the nationality of a prisoner or the foreign policies of the countries of origin of the prisoners. They're dealing with a country that is run by a man who may or may not be a lunatic. You really can't get into a lot of "reasons" why things happen when that's the case.

I don't know exactly why this particular story has really ticked me off. Maybe it's because these three seem to be so ungrateful for what people in this country have done for them. Maybe it's because they seem to be so ungrateful for this country in general. Maybe it's because this story is treated in the news as if something horrible had happened to these three that was out of their control. (If you didn't know the whole story and you listened to the recaps, you might be under the impression that they were snatched from their beds in Berkeley and taken to Iran for two years. That's because all of the reporters always use their "Something bad that was completely uncontrollable has happened" voices when reporting this.) I don't know, but I think I'm done with it for a little while. I'm at least maybe going to wait until they start making the talk show rounds before I go off again. Look forward to something that is not this tomorrow.

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Happy Birthday, My Friend

Look, I don't often use this blog as an outlet for me to wax poetic about my personal life (other than stuff that irritates the holy crap out of me), but I'm making an exception today.

Yesterday was my BFF's birthday. I have no idea how old she is because she won't tell anyone. (OK, fine. I know exactly how old she is, but I'm not telling her that I know! If she wants to live in her odd little world that way, let her.) And she's really the most incredible person that I've ever known. But lately, things haven't been all that great for her. But in spite of all of the non-greatness, she still manages to hold it together. Somehow. I'm not sure exactly how she does it, but she does.

The point here is this: If there's someone that you love and/or respect who is having a hard time and you have the means or the ability to be able to help them out in some fashion, please do it. Don't do it with any strings attached. Don't do it expecting anything in return. And for cryin' out loud, don't make it about you. Do it because the person is awesome and because it would mean a lot to them. Do it because they deserve it. Do it because it will help them. Do it because you can. And do it because the enjoyment that you will get from watching them be so happy will be more rewarding than you ever imagined. You never know; you could just change their life. And that, in turn, will change yours. Trust me. It feels pretty good.

But don't worry. You can go right back to being snarky, surly and pessimistic right after you're done being nice. It's still there, which is a good thing because I'd really hate to make a choice.

Happy birthday, my friend.

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Go Hike By North Korea Next

The two dumbass "hikers" who perhaps strayed over the border into Iran and had been imprisoned for the past two years have finally been released. And let me just tell you that given their apparent attitude about what happened to them and why, I hope their next hiking trip is along the border of North Korea. I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that if I were just freed from an Iranian prison after my country forked over a million dollars for the release (well, $500,000 apiece), I'd be a little more grateful to my country and a little bit less bleeding heart pacifist. Maybe that's just me, but I don't think so. Those people seem to be completely out to freaking lunch when it comes to how country's deal with one another. And their stance on the relationship between the United States and Iran is simply mind boggling.

See, I wasn't going to rip into these people until they were back on American soil. I figured that maybe they had to say certain things when they were still over there. That makes sense to me. Praise the soul of President I'm A Dinner Jacket all you want when you're over there. Compliment his stylish Members Only jacket if you must. But after your $500,000 flight touches down in the United States, I'm going to be expecting you to start singing a different tune. And when you don't then I'm going to be angry when you blame the policies of the United States for Iran's actions against you and your two dumbass friends.

I don't know how many different ways I can say this, but I guess I'm about to try another one. There are people in this world who want to kill us. There are people in this world who do not give a fat rat's ass about our Western democracy and our freedom. It has been that way for thousands of years. And guess what? It's going to continue to be that way regardless of the policies of the United States. I wish that they had been more specific as to which U.S. policies they are so opposed to, but from what I can tell, their statements were their version of "Can't we all just get along?" (And by the way, the answer to that is "No". No, we can't all get along. Yes, it would be very nice if we could. But we can't. It's called human nature; perhaps you've heard of it?)

Let's look at some of their ridiculous statements that they have made since returning to the U.S. (And I'm going to go a little light on Josh Fattal. He seems to be the most reasonable one out of these three delusional idealists. Shane Bauer and Sarah Shourd seem completely clueless as to how international relations work. No wonder they're engaged. They even look alike.) Here's one made by Shane Bauer: "I would like to be very clear: This was never about crossing the unmarked border between Iran and Iraq. We were held because of our nationality." Hmmm. Yeah, see, I've got news for you. It totally WAS about you crossing the border. It was about you crossing the border AS an American. And you knew that the U.S. and Iran are not exactly on friendly terms, yet you chose to hike in a dangerous region anyway. And for some reason, you're surprised at how things turned out for you? Odd. I'm not surprised at all. I'm surprised that you're out as soon as you are, but the other stuff doesn't surprise me at all.

What else does Shane have to say? Well, there's this: "Sarah, Josh and I have experienced a taste of the Iranian regime's brutality. We have been held in total isolation from the world and everything we love, stripped of our rights and freedoms." Yes. That is exactly what has happened. But the part about being stripped of rights and freedoms? See, he's under the wrong impression that the freedoms and rights of the United States are applicable without fail in other countries. That's not how that works. And besides, if you're in jail ANYWHERE you're stripped of you're rights and freedoms. That's how jail works. Moron.

I think this is my favorite little outtake from Shane's speech: "However, we do believe that these actions on the part of the U.S provide an excuse for other governments, including the governments of Iran, to act in kind." Right. So, let me get this straight. If, IF the United States ceases to use prisons such as Guantanamo Bay and other CIA prisons then, THEN other countries will be nicer as well, right? It's only because of the "poor example" that the United States "sets" that makes other countries want to hold idiot hikers in prison for over two years, is that right? Good God, make him go away.

In neither one of their little speeches have I heard nearly the amount of gratitude being paid to the United States as I would have liked. They have a lot of nerve implying that the US policies with freaking Iran (of all places) led to their situation. We the taxpayers paid your bail, you little utopian-building hippies! (Which, by the way, was quite the gesture on our part considering that Bauer and Shourd had been living in Damascus since 2008. That's in freaking Syria! They chose Syria over the United States....except when they needed a little help? Shocking.) How about a little thanks for that?! (And don't tell me that it was Oman that paid the ransom (which is essentially what it was). Oman posted the bail. That means they gave the money to Iran. The U.S. gave the money to Oman as the U.S. doesn't have diplomatic relations with Iran and had to go through other channels. Posting the bail and paying the bail are two totally different things.)

They all act like they're surprised that Iran is big on taking hostages. (Fortunately, neither of the gents made any mention of how they wished that there was a US Embassy in Iran the way that Sarah Shourd did when she was released. I mean, I thought that we all knew how that turned out. Apparently not.) And their vision of how the world works is complete fantasy. I'd really like to know what they would like our policies toward Iran should be. I mean, this is a country that would like to see Israel blown off of the map. It's also a country that is working hard to get a nuclear weapon. (Hmmm. I wonder what they want to do with nuclear arms. I can't imagine, what with all of that built up hatred toward Israel and all.) What do they want our policies to be?

I hope these three go away and are never heard from again. But I know that's not going to happen. I know that there will be a book or a Lifetime movie of the week or a slew of TV appearances. And if I have to put up with that, then I also hope that they'll pay back the money that was spent for their release. Is that too much to ask? Maybe that would help our relations with them. Idiots.

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This Is Why She's Like That

Hey, so, we haven't heard much from Lindsay Lohan in a while. I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm thrilled. But some pictures surfaced of her recently and judging from their content, I'm just going to say right now that Lindsay never really had a chance for a normal life. Given her parents? Not a shot. And from what I can tell, at least her mother isn't really going to be the best influence on fragile little empty-headed Lindsay. And I know that's kind of harsh, but I'd say that about anyone who I saw in pictures making out with their own mom. Wait. What? You heard/read me. Behold!

There you have it. No boundaries. No conscience. No dignity. Just a mom giving her daughter a little tongue while the younger brother tries to ignore it by pretending to text anyone. (Text! Text, little boy! Text like the wind!) It's a wonder that she's lasted as long as she has.

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But She's Rehabilitated

I don't know. Call me crazy, but I kind of think that if you're convicted of a crime such as, oh, say...the "...slaying of a young hooker who was beheaded during a satanic ritual", I'm going to want you to spend as much time in prison as possible. Really. I'm talking a lot of time in jail. I certainly don't want you working for the State Auditor of Massachusetts. According to the Boston Herald, State Auditor Suzanne Bump hired a one Robin Murphy to work in a state office. And that hiring came after "Murphy pleaded guilty to second-degree murder in 1982 for the macabre killing of 20-year-old Karen Marsden of Westport in 1980." And as previously mentioned, part of the "macabre" involved the de-nogginizing of the victim. The de-nogginization, if you will.

Ms. Murphy was sentenced to life with the possibility of parole. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that if you participate in any sort of ritual where someone loses their head in the process, I'm not all that comfortable with you ever having freedom again. Again, call me crazy, but that just doesn't seem like it makes a lot of sense to me. (Don't even get me started on the fairly obvious safety concerns that would also accompany an issue like this.)


Also, "Twice denied freedom in the 1990s, she was deemed “rehabilitated” and released by a 5-2 vote of the parole board in 2004." Really? Just like that? "Rehabilitated"? Well, she wasn't that rehabilitated because she's now back in prison for violating parole. Something about heroin. Shocking, I know. But after her return to prison, Ms. Bump made this statement: "I am sad to learn that Robin Murphy has been arrested for violating a condition of her parole...Three years ago, as labor secretary, I hired Robin to work at the Division of Unemployment Assistance, and she was a valuable employee. After I left, she was promoted.”

Wow. I don't know exactly what's going on here, but that Ms. Bump sure had a lot of faith in someone who had cut off someone else's head on purpose. What do you say in your interview to convince someone to hire you under those circumstances? "It is what it is"? "I was young"? "It was just a bad night. Haven't we all had one bad night?"

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You're Not Gonna Be A Great Breakdancer

Stereotypes have to come from somewhere, right? There's always a little bit of truth within each one. (And it's OK to admit it! No one is going to think less of you!) And what we have below is a video which accurately depicts the stereotypical mother when her wacky child does something that she doesn't quite get/approve of. He's attempting to break dance on a mat in what I can only assume is the family living room. And he's really got a lot of the moves down except for the ones where he can stop spinning and not almost kill himself. The thing is that listening to the mom after she cuts off his music and begins berating him (and extremely agile Asians) in such typical "mom" fashion that it's hilarious. Also, she sounds exactly like Joan Cusack, so that's something to add to the equation.

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And No One Gets Fired

I like to goof off at work as much as the next person. But I've decided that I want to take my shenanigans to a whole different level. And I want to be all shenanigan-y and not have to worry about any repercussions. That's what I want. Ergo, I want a job with the federal government.

I'm sure that by now you've heard the story of how the Justice Department spent outrageous sums of money on minor items. What we're talking about specifically are things like spending sixteen dollars for one muffin and spending $8.24 for one cup of coffee and five bucks for a Swedish meatball. And all of this ridiculous gastronomical spending took place at conferences that the Justice Department held at places like the Hilton in San Francisco. Real smart.

Now look, I've been to plenty of conferences in my time. And this is what I can tell you about them: They're boring as can be. No one really looks forward to them, though they do appreciate a day or two away from the regular grind whilst still getting paid. There isn't a single thing at a conference that can't be conveyed to the attendees in some memo or packet form. Oh, and the notion that you have to travel somewhere to attend a conference? Completely ludicrous. There's nothing that you need/want to "learn" that you need to travel to. Ask anyone. It's all bull.

And after an audit revealed that the Justice Department spends money with less restraint than a drunken sailor on leave (my apologies to all drunken sailors, and thank you for your service), everyone was suddenly up in arms. Arms everywhere! And we heard quotes like this one from a one Charles E. Grassley as quoted in the Washington Post: "Sixteen-dollar muffins and $600,000 for event planning services are what make Americans cynical about government and why they are demanding change." Um, well, yeah. He's partially correct.

See, the follow up to revelations like this, again according to the Washington Post, went like this: "The Obama administration reacted to reports of $16 dollar muffins served at Justice Department conferences by ordering agencies to review the spending of taxpayer dollars at such meetings." Wait. That's ALL?!

ALL that they're going to do is ask agencies to REVIEW the spending of MY money?! Why in the bloody hell are they not doing that in the first place?! Remember all of that hope and change blather? Nothing has changed! Thus, my lack of hope! Don't you think that if "change" was your priority that you would have "changed" things a long time ago? Are you kidding me?! Some softhead out there (getting paid with MY money) thinks that it is OK to spend $16 each on many, many muffins and they don't get fired?!

I think that most people just assume that there is going to be waste. What makes us angrier than the waste is that nothing ever happens to the people who are buying all of these $16 muffins! They get to keep their job. Why is that?! It's MY money! I want them fired! I want people who have not a care in the world as to how they spend someone else's money on someone besides themselves FIRED. I don't want those people working in the federal government and I certainly don't want them in charge of anything having to do with accountability of finances! It's NOT irresponsibility. It's incompetence!

And I swear to you, if I read one, just ONE account of any of this incompetent spending having originated during the Bush administration, I am going to lose it. I don't care. This is what is happening now. And people need to be held accountable...by being fired. Also, if anyone out there has any idea what a $16 muffin tastes like, I'd like to know.

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Really, Fox News?

When I want to stay informed about current events, all I want are the facts of the story. I really don't want it to have a slant. I want the journalists that craft their stories to be impartial. The news isn't meant to be reported as if it were an editorial. If I wanted an editorial, I'd read stuff that I write. I want the news and that's all that I want. That being said...Fox News? What is wrong with you?
::: sigh ::: Behold.

Really? "Impeached President"? Yes, yes. Bill Clinton was impeached. Is there a reason that they felt the need to address him in that manner? That has absolutely nothing to do with the topic that they're about the discuss. And if that's what they're going to be about then really, what's stopping them from using other phrasings that would be technically accurate? Let's see...we could have:

Fellatio Recipient Opines About Something Non-fellatious

Big ol' Liar Is Embarrassed For The Country

Adulterer Wants To Strangle Non-Believers

Yes, we could have any of those headlines, but we don't. You know why? Because it's not good journalism, that is correct. And it really irks me because I try to give cable news the benefit of the doubt most of the time. But a headline like that at the "Fair and Balanced" news station just isn't making that possible for me. Keep it classy, Fox News.

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How Long?!

Let's talk about how government can never seem to get anything done. How's that sound? Depressing? That's about right. So, the other day I was looking for a dog park in Cupertino, CA. I wanted to take my uncle's dog there and let her run around for a while. Sort of like a doggie play date. I went to the City of Cuppertino's website and clicked on "Dog Park Options". This is what greeted me in my quest for an area to run around in that is simultaneously suitable for a myriad of canines: "The issue of off-leash opportunities for dogs has been discussed off and on in Cupertino since 1993. Options suggested by residents over the years include: a dog park, a dog off-leash area, and designated dog off-leash times in neighborhood parks." Wait. What?



1993?! Are you kidding me?! That's almost twenty years! What in the world could these people be discussing for almost twenty years?! It's a DOG PARK. Ever been to a dog park? No? OK, picture a regular park...with dogs! There you go. Why on earth would it take you almost twenty years to make a decision on whether there should be a designated areas where dogs can run around with other dogs?! Honestly, I can't think of more than maybe 5 or 6 questions that you would have to have answers to. And it wouldn't take twenty YEARS for those answers to be revealed! They'd be pretty self explanatory. What are these people doing?!

>

I've been so frustrated with the freaking federal government lately for their inability to get anything done. I guess that inability to make progress (or at the very least, some freaking decisions) has now dribbled its way down to the local level. Great. And I don't live in Cupertino or anything, so I don't know how annoyed this should make me, but if it takes twenty years to make a decision about something concerning dogs, how freaking long is it going to take those people to make decisions regarding people?

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Arrrr!

Arrrrr, matey! That's correct. The day you've been waiting for (or are just learning about) is finally here. It has finally bestowed itself upon us! Today, September 19, as it is every September 19 (and has been since 1995) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr. Avast! Arrrgh again!

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "WTF is Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrgh?" That's pretty much the initial reaction from most people, from what I can tell. Here's the scoop: Back in 1995 a couple of regular guy guys, John Baur and Mark Summers, just started talking pirate talk whilst playing racquetball one day. (No, they're not gay lovers. And never were. Or will be.) After noticing how the pirate talk made the game go by faster while at the same time making it all the more entertaining, the boys decided that there should be an entire day where everyone just speaks like a pirate. (Guys are very into formalizing crazy ideas they come up with. It seems as if that strategy makes their ideas all the more valid. Thus, if there is a specific day for something, well, you have to do it. It's what the day is for, right? Right.)

For reasons that even they don't get, they settled on September 19 because that is the day of Mark's ex-wife's birthday and he felt that was a day he could recall easily. Go figure. And so Talk Like A Pirate Day was kind of born. I say "kind of" because for about 6 years after that, the guys pretty much celebrated it on their own. Just two guys, talking crazy pirate talk together, with or without a racquetball. It wasn't until 2002 when they managed to get hold of Dave Barry's email address and write to him about their day. Their idea was that he would be their national spokesman for TLAPD. And Dave Barry, being Dave Barry and all, thought it was a fabulous idea (even though he used the term "very excellent"). Next thing they know, Dave Barry writes a column about TLAPD which appears in the Miami Herald and an obscure, but fun as hell, quasi-holiday was born.

TLAPD is celebrated in several, yes several different countries and continents including Antarctica (don't ask. I didn't. Frozen pirates. Brrr!). And just in case you're not up on all of your pirate-ese, the Pirate Guys (as they are now known), John (also known as Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark (also known as "Cap'n Slappy"), have a website http://www.talklikeapirate.com/ where they give you tips, answer questions, have pirate vocabulary (in English AND in German!) and have way, way, way more information on this thing that I ever thought there could be. (It's speakin' like a freakin' pirate, for cryin' out loud and...and...shiver me timbers or something like that! How much could there be? A lot, matey. A freaking lot.)

Here's what I've learned:

• Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And my personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
  
  
• These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
  
  
• There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.


• People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.


• Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.


• And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:

• 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  
• 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  
• 8. Come on up and see me urchins.
  
• 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  
• 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  
• 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
  
• 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  
• 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
  
• 2. Well blow me down?
  
• And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
  
• 1. Prepare to be boarded.

And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.

• 10. What are YOU doing here?
  
• 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
  
• 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
  
• 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
  
• 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
  
• 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
  
• 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
  
• 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
  
• 2. RAMMING SPEED!
  
• ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
  
• 1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!

Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell you....it grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!

Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!

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Buh-Bye, Borders

It's over for Borders Books. Done. Finished. They are out of business. And in a lot of ways, it really doesn't surprise me. Every Borders that I ever went into was a complete disaster. And their staff? A bunch of not helpful hipsters is what I ran into more often than not. And this little snotty sign that some of them wrote and posted at a soon to be defunct store would seem to be indicative of just that. I don't know if Borders ever really stood a chance (what with the Kindle and the Nook and the entire World Wide Web to contend with), but when your hired help has this attitude, it isn't going to help much. (Click to enlarge if you don't have a bionic eye and can't read it.)

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Show Me The Money

Remember that story of the three American dumbasses hikers who thought that it would be a good idea to go for a little stroll right there along the border of Iran? And then the Iranians arrested them and accused them of being spies? And they've been in an Iranian prison ever since? You remember, right? Right. Well now, it looks like Iran might be willing to release them on "humanitarian" grounds, but there's kind of a catch. See, "humanitarian" to the Iranians means they want a million dollars and then they'll let them go.

And I really don't care one way or the other whether or not they let those numbnuts go. As much as I dislike Iran, I really don't have any problem with any country enforcing the laws regarding their borders and keeping people out of their country. I know it's a foreign concept (pun not really intended) for the United States, but other countries really do seem to give a fat rat's ass about who legally comes and goes. Go figure. But I digress. Where was I? Oh, right. The numbnuts and their million dollars of humanity.

I keep reading all of these news reports about how their release is imminent as soon as the million dollars ($500,000 per dumbass) is paid. As you'll recall, their companion, a one Sarah Shourd, was released a while back after $500,000 was paid for her release. Now, thinking back on that incident and reading about current events, I'm noticing that there is one small item that no one seems to be mentioning. Where, pray tell, is all of this money coming from?

I don't know about you, but a lot of people don't have half a million dollars just lying around in case their children go off on very inadvisable travel plans along the borders of some crazy sand land countries. Where are all of these miraculous half a million dollar ransoms coming from? I mean, those two chicks who got themselves all locked up in North Korea because they were doing the same thing and hiking near the border of a country ruled by a lunatic, they just had Bill Clinton show up and that was that. (Who knew Slick Willie still had that kind of pull?) It didn't cost anything to get them out. But Iran wants money. And from what I can tell, they're going to get it. I just want to know where it comes from.

Please tell me that the United States doesn't have some sort of Stupid Ass Lost Hiker Fund or anything like that. And if we do, please tell me that it's funded by private donations of those sympathetic to stupid ass lost hikers. Don't tell me that it's taxpayer money or anything like that. Sorry that I'm not more sympathetic, but I don't have a lot of patience for things that are REALLY easy to avoid. Look at me! Here I am! NOT hiking anywhere NEAR Iran! See? Easy.

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Baby Monkey, Baby Monkey

There are many elements to having a successful video. Sometimes, it's not just the video itself that matters. I mean, it has to be kind of good in whatever way it is that makes a good video. (Oh, come on! You can't figure out if something is going to be popular or not just by watching it! There are just too many variables and NONE of them are defined! None of them!) But there are times when music really helps. (Take Nyan Cat for example. I still don't know what that is, but without the music, it would be nothing more than a cat made out of a Pop-Tart riding a rainbow through space.) The video below is one of those videos. The music really makes it. And it will get stuck in your head. Enjoy your weekend with "Backwards on a pig, baby monkey" stuck in your head all the live long day.

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What's The Code For "This Is Ridiculous"?

Let's all give a big welcome to the federal government! According to the Wall Street Journal, there is now a federally mandated version of medical codes. And that brings the total of medical codes up from 18,000 to a whopping 140,000. Let's hear it for the meddling government! Give it up!

Am I the only one who is wondering why the federal government is having anything to do at all with the privatized billing systems of healthcare providers and insurance providers? It's not a federal system, right? Why are there federal regulations all of a sudden? And why in the world did the number of codes suddenly increase by almost eight times? Well, it's probably because the old system didn't account for some of the more serious and obviously likely injuries. You know. Like the perils of crocheting. I s*** you not.

Medical code Y93D1 indicates that you were injured by an activity. Specifically, knitting or crocheting. How is that even possible? Sure, those knitting needles are pointy, but what in the hell are you doing with them that you are going to injure yourself to the point of needing medical attention (and your very only medical code to boot!)? I did a little Googling and I've concluded that it IS possible to impale one's buttocks by sitting on a knitting needle. But that's not the specific activity of knitting which is what the description of the code implies. Wait. Wasn't there a scene in East of Eden where one of the characters tries to give herself an abortion with a knitting needle? That sounds like it would cause injury. But once again, NOT knitting. AND, in this instance, fictional, so that's really a bad example. Let's look at some other new codes.

There are several codes that begin with V9 and they are very concerned with water skis and the accidents that can result from them. If only these accidents made any sense (or had any chance in hell of actually happening) then it might be useful. But seriously, how many times do you think anyone has EVER experienced a V9107XA, "Burn due to water-skis on fire, initial encounter"?! Water skis on fire?! They're IN the WATER. Who came up with these codes? Wile E. Coyote?!

There are also codes in case you're ever bitten by a myriad of animals, including but not limited to turtles and orcas! Look, aside from that chick that got eaten by the killer whale at Sea World a while ago, how often is it necessary that we deal with orca bites? I'm guessing not enough for them to warrant their own code! What's wrong with "Bitten by animal - other"? And I'm dying to know about these people who are getting bit by turtles. I've HAD turtles. Their bite is not code worthy!

I really enjoy that they have not one, not two, but three codes in case you've walked into a lamppost! There's the initial encounter, the subsequent encounter and the sequela (which apparently means that you've suffered a grotesque injury as a result of all of your lamppost colliding). Seems like with something like this that there needs to be a subsection for indicating whether or not alcohol was involved. (And really, if you're bumping into a lamppost more than once and to the point of injury, doesn't alcohol have to be involved? If it's not, you really should be wearing a helmet whenever you leave the house.) There's even a section in case you get crushed between a canoe or a kayak and some other sort of "watercraft or object". I wonder what they'd code it as if the other "object" was that orca I had mentioned earlier. OR the turtle. I guess maybe they cross reference?

Do you see how ridiculous this is? Of course you do! You do. I do. EVERYONE does except for the people who are in charge of this crap. Why is the federal government making medical codes anyway? That's what I want to know. Who bribed who? Who needed to work to do in order to keep their job? Why does this keep happening? And how much did all of this cost?! In case you've been blissfully unaware, we kinda don't have a lot of money to throw around these days! Aren't there other, more pressing items that need to be attended to before our country falls off of a cliff or into the jaws of an orca? Apparently not.

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