2009, Take Jon Gosselin With You. Please!

Let's end this year by one last post (for the year, not forever) about the asshat that is Jon Gosselin, shall we? I should have known that something regarding him was going to surface shortly because things had just been too darn quiet on the guy-with-eight-children-divorces-wife-and-acts-like-an-a-hole-in-public front for too darn long. And if any of Jon Gosselin's other antics were any indication, he's such a media whore that it was likely just killin' him that his self-congratulatory mug of much greater girth was not plastered all over the Internet and the supermarket tabloid covers. What to do? What to do? Slink away quietly into oblivion and try to co-raise your eight children without very many public to-dos? Naaahhh. What say you allegedly fake up a burglary of your New York apartment so that you can blame it on the chick that you've been sleeping with, all right? All right!

Here's the scoop: According to the alphabet folks over there at ABC News, Jon Gosselin had spent Christmas with his children (shocking, I know!) and when he returned home to his apartment in New York, it was to "...find his brand new, Upper West Side apartment burglarized and wrecked beyond belief." Huh. Really? Hmmm. What else?

Well, according to his lawyer, a one Mark Heller (fitting), "he entered his apartment in Manhattan and was horrified, disheartened and saddened to observe the devastation of his furniture, clothing and personal belongings, which were apparently slashed with a butcher knife by a very troubled and sick perpetrator." Um, since when did statements by lawyers turn into Shakespearean soliloquies? "Disenheartened and saddened to observe"? Who in the heck says stuff like that in regard to coming home to find some of your stuff missing and your remaining stuff trashed? Not many people that I know, that's for sure. My reaction upon coming home to something like that would have been, "WTF" and "911". But, according to his spokeshole attorney, Jon's reaction was that he "...immediately contacted me and facilitated the able assistance of the New York City Police Department who immediately dispatched an experienced detective to Jon's apartment." Huh.

Now, maybe it's just because I don't have eight children and haven't recently divorced my wife because I'm such a dill hole that I don't understand that reaction. His first reaction is to call his attorney? Because he couldn't "facilitate the able assistance of the NYPD" on his own? Is he not familiar with 911 and how that whole system works? Did he forget the number to 911? I don't understand why he had to call his attorney first. And what's with the mentioning that they "immediately" sent out an "experienced detective"? Was he afraid we'd all get the impression that the NYPD took their time before sending over a complete idiot? I don't get that.

The spokeshole/attorney claimed that Jon "found a note "speared" into his wooden dresser. His television, CD player, coffee maker, Nintendo Wii, dishes, pots and pans had been taken from his home. Clothing, luggage and bedding were slashed." All right. Hold on a minute. A person who is going to steal a Wii, a TV and a CD player is not the same person who is going to steal pots and pans. What's up with that? And a note "speared" into the dresser? Is this like some really bad, unaired episode of The Sopranos or something? Who does that? Actually, who rips off and then trashes someones apartment and then leaves a note? Um, no one. That's who. No one.

Now, it would appear that asshat Jon Gosselin and his girlfriend or whatever she is, Hailey Glassman, were sharing that apartment. It has since been claimed by Hailey that he was "abusive" towards her and she moved out. Glassman's attorney, a one Anand Ahuja (pronounce that any way you'd like) says, that Hailey "....didn't take anything from that apartment that she was not entitled to take with her." OK, this is starting to make a little more sense. See if you follow me here.

He goes back to Pennsylvania or Transylvania or wherever the heck he's from and while he's gone, she makes like a tree and leaves. She grabs her stuff (hence the disappearance of the pots and pans) and takes it with her. She doesn't tell him she's doing this because, well, why would she? These people haven't been acting like grown-ups since they thrust themselves into the media limelight this entire time, I don't know why we'd expect them to start doing so now. He returns back to his bachelor pad to find her stuff gone. She probably did leave him a note, but I highly doubt that she speared it on his dresser with a butcher knife. (Now that I think about it, that doesn't really sound as much like The Sopranos as it does like Scooby Doo.)

He reads the note and is ticked off that she's gone. He trashes the place himself, perhaps on purpose to blame it on her, perhaps just out of anger and then realizes that he's done something incredibly stupid and, like everything else in his life, refuses to take responsibility for it and has to blame it on someone else. Either way, I would be surprised if it turns out that Hailey had anything to do with the destruction of the apartment.

I'd also be very surprised if anyone else had anything to do with the trashing of the apartment other than asshat Jon Gosselin because it isn't like that isn't a secured apartment building or anything. It's not like there are not cameras and it's not like there is not security and it's not like just anyone could make their way up there. And have you ever tried to break into an apartment from just the hallway? I haven't either, but I would imagine that the logistics of it make it rather difficult. Thus all of this points to one person. That's right. Dumbass.

He might have figured that a little publicity can't hurt him. After all, about every deal that I had heard that he had in the works hasn't gone through. Since their show "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" was cancelled, I haven't heard of any other shows in the works for him. He was so incredibly stupid that he thought that the show worked simply because he was on it. He was so incredibly stupid and full of himself that he thought that even if they were divorced, that he was just so g-d fascinating that the offers would just come rolling in for him. For some reason. When they didn't and he realized that not only did his meal ticket not exist anymore, but he realized that he was the one that tore it up, well, that's when times get tough. And when times get tough, what better way than to continue your delusions of grandeur than to trash your own apartment and blame it on a woman?

And if for some reason you're at this point and you don't quite see how out of touch Jon is with everything in this world, let me share with you another little tidbit that his lawyer, Mark Heller, is quoted by Radar Online as saying: "Jon feels like he was raped." You know what? Guys don't get to say that. Guys don't get to say that they feel like they've been raped, got it? You know why? Because they don't, that's why. Jon Gosselin, you Dip-S, you don't have any idea what it's like to be raped. You don't have any idea what the fear of rape is like. But regardless of that, are you so effing stupid that you can't figure out that having your fairly newly purchased things stolen from an apartment that you've barely been living in for less than six months and that those are not the equivalent of "rape"? If you think getting ripped off is like being raped, you're going to be in for a huge shock if you ever are actually raped one day. A HUGE shock. That's when you'll realize that the two really have absolutely nothing to do with one another at all. Any by trying to equate the two like that, you have really succeeded in doing a couple of things.

One, you've succeeded in completely minimizing the trauma and the brutality of rape. And two, you've succeeded in making it crystal clear what a completely selfish a-hole you really are. If we never have to hear about you or your pathetic, self-serving existence in 2010 or ever again, it will be too soon. Goodbye, 2009! And take Jon Gosselin with you!

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Quotes That Make You Go "Huh?"

So....many...morons! Head...might....explode! You know, it's really easy to narrow things down to just one year. But when you expand that to ten years (because you're falling into the hype of the end of a decade as if it's the end of the world or something) and your list is the worst of something within those ten years? Yeah, if you make a list like that, you must have really done something idiotic. And while some things might be entirely idiotic, sometimes there's just too narrow of a category to warrant making a list (ie, probably should have found those WMDs first and then invaded). That's when what you're going to want to do is to take the contents of your list (ie, "Attack!") and expand the category (ie, Really Moronic Things People Have Said in the Past 10 Years). And while that might seem like a vast and wide topic to try and really come up with an accurate list, trust me. In this case, it can be done. Hoo-boy, can it be done.

I suppose I could start with the Governor of this fine state of California. The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave an interview with right-right-right-right-right-wing radio host Sean Hannity in 2003 when Schwarzenegger was campaigning to be Governor of "Cali-FOR-nia" (as he says). When the topic of gay marriage came up (as it inevitably always will in any discussion about Cali-FOR-nia), the soon-to-be Governator said, "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman." I see. Um, perhaps someone could clue him in on what exactly a gay marriage entails? That would be helpful.

Joe Biden is always good for a really moronic quote and he did not disappoint on September 10, 2008 when he was campaigning in Columbia, Missouri and wanted Senator Chuck Graham to stand up so that he could be recognized for the hard work that he had been doing for the Obama Biden campaign. Biden calls out, "Chuck, stand up, let the people see you." That's easier said than done if you're Senator Graham as the man is in a wheelchair. Now granted, Joe Biden immediately realized all of that standing up that he had requested wasn't going to be happening and he did a pretty good job of backtracking or fast talking or whatever it was that he did to get away from that comment, but still. Always make sure that your constituents have the ability to walk before asking them to stand before a very large group of people. Always.

There's no way I could be compiling a list of most moronic things folks have said over the past ten years without having at least one from former President George W. Bush. The problem was choosing only one. But I think I've done it. I think I can safely say that this is my favorite GW quote ever. The context of the speech he was giving at the time is unclear to me (though it does says "Pledge Across America" all over the board behind him, if that helps anyone out), but the content was very clear. Er, not clear. Er, well, I think we all know what he was trying to say, but no one can quite figure out how he messed it up. He said: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." Um, yeah. What now?

And while that's relatively amusing on it's own accord in print like that, you really can't fully appreciate the beauty of it without seeing/hearing it for yourself. Behold!

Now that's something! I'm not sure exactly what, but it's definitely something!

But enough of politicians already. Let's move onto pop tarts, shall we? First up, we have a one Britney Spears. Now, Miss Spears has never really been known for her intellect. No, she's been known more for her fantastic voice, marrying Fresno's favorite son, Kevin Federline, and also shaving her head bald and attacking some sort of motor vehicle with an umbrella. (To this day, it's still really unclear just what, exactly, the vehicle did to her to warrant such a beating.) Really, it should come as no surprise that she's not all that well versed in the concept of geography, should it? No, it shouldn't. That's how we can explain her statement back in 2004 of "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." Now, now! Before we all rush to judgment, perhaps she was on a boat when she said that. Or perhaps she was in Europe! What's that? No? Neither of those? Smack dab in the middle of the mainland, eh? Huh. Unfortunate.

Well, at least that quotation kind of explains this next quote of Britney's. I don't know what all she was up to in between 2004 and 2007, but it didn't seem to involve any sort of an atlas because she was also heard to say, "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." That's perplexing on so many levels. Japan, a country where the sole activity (pun kind of intended) is eating fish. A fact of which you must be aware of if you're ever traveling...to...Africa? Right. Um...yeah, I don't rightly know what to say about all of that.

But what is it with these pop singers and their lack of geographical awareness? Take Christina Aguilera. Perhaps she was just trying to avoid showing up in the wrong place when she inquired "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" Tell you what, Christina. How about you just give it a moment of thought (we'll wait!) and see what you come up with. Take your time! Sometimes, the most obvious answer is the one that's often overlooked!

I'm kind of going to guess that some of these blonde pop tart singer chicks all know each other? They seem to have a few things in common in the smarts department. Take Jessica Simpson, for example. No, not one of Bart's younger sisters (those are Lisa and Maggie). Jessica Simpson is the hottie who was married to Nick Lachey for a while. (After they split and he realized his meal ticket split with her, he ended up hosting or being on Dancing With the Stars, which isn't bad work if you can get it, from what I hear.) And even though they've been divorced for a while now, and even though it was back in October of 2003 when she became confused over the contents of a can of tuna fish, it is so unbelievable that it's almost like it happened yesterday. Come on! Are you telling me that you thought it was almost seven years ago that she asked Nick, "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.' " That wasn't seven years ago, was it? It was?! It's amazing how some things just stick in your head. Obviously not things like what is chicken and what is fish for some people, but other things.

All I have to say is that it's a good thing those chicks are pretty.

And speaking of pretty chicks, this list wouldn't be complete (actually, it will never be complete; do you know how many morons were out there over the past ten years who couldn't keep their mouths shut?) without my favorite "regular person" quote probably ever. That person was Caitlin Upton. If you're scratching your head (please, just let it be your head) right now and wondering "Who?", I'll bet it would jog your memory if I told you that Ms. Upton was Miss Teen South Carolina in 2007. Ring a bell? Just in case, here's a recap:

During the question-y part (I believe that's the official name) of the Miss Teen USA Pageant, the following question was presented to Ms. Upton:

"Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Now, mind you, if that had been me up there, my response would have been something along the lines of "WTF? Are you kidding me? Who told you that? Where do you get that statistic?!" (Of course, that would have been my response AFTER asking, "WTF am I doing up here in some sort of beauty pageant in the first place?!" But not Miss Teen South Carolina. Oh, no. This is the moment she has been practicing for. This is the moment that she has been going over and over and over in her head for...for...well, I'm guessing for a long time. She should be ready! She should be prepared! She should have thought about it longer because this was her response:

"I personally believe, that US Americans are unable to do so, because, uh, some...people out there, in our nation, don't have maps, and...uh I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here, in the US, should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future... for our children."

Good Lord, miss. It's because some people "out there" don't have maps?! Well, clearly Britney doesn't, but what about everyone else? Is that really the reason? And did she really say "the Iraq"? Yep. Yep, she did! And you know, that was only two years ago, but it's still funny! Still. Very. Funny. I'm not sure if I should hope for an equal amount of amusement from quotable morons over the next ten years or not. (You know how I feel about the morons.) I suppose as long as it's only an equal number of mind boggling quotes and not a greater number, then we'll be OK. After all, I've long given up hoping that folks start wising up. It's better just to keep them at a distance and mock them from afar. It's very entertaining and much safer this way.

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Dear 2009, Bye. Love, JibJab

How much do I love the folks over there at JibJab? I'll tell you what, I love them a whole heck of a lot right now. That's because it's the end of the year and I'll fully admit that I'm half assing it here at best! Don't get me wrong. I'll be giving some attention to the alleged break-in at Jon Gosselin's apartment and what I think went on there (he's a media whore; he staged it himself). But I can't throw myself into that without making sure that proper homage is paid to this fine, fine year that we've just run through. Ahh, who am I kidding? This year blew. But at least the fine folks over there at JibJab have managed to summarize the whole suck-y year in one highly amusing video, complete with catchy tune and wacky lyrics. My favorite part? Probably the homage to the horrible individual, Octomom. Be on the lookout for that, as it is hil-arious. But enough of my rambling. (If I'm going to claim that I'm half-assing it, I've gotta keep it short!) I give to you, courtesy of the geniuses (or is it genii?) over there at JibJab, their original short "Never A Year Like '09". Behold!

PS If the damn video doesn't load (which is unfortunately all too often the case lately), please click here and watch it. I might be half assing it, but that doesn't mean that I won't be bringing you stuff that's fairly amusing.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

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Top Ten Mug Shots of 2009

Since it's the end of the year, it's inevitable that there are going to be a bunch of lists. Being as how it's also the end of a decade (a decade which, after ten whole years, no one still knows what to call it) you're going to run into a lot of lists which try to cram the past ten years into a Top Ten or a Top Twenty or, in some inexplicable cases, a Top Nine. (What's with the nine? You couldn't come up with just one more for an even ten?) You're in luck here because I'm sticking to a nice round Top Ten and the time range is only going to be for the past year. What's that? The content of said list? Why, that would be Top Ten Mug Shots, of course.

First up we have a one Dale Lee (of Flori-Duh, naturally) who was arrested by the Pasco County Sheriff's Office on August 30, 2009 for aggravated battery and sale of marijuana. Yo, Dale! What say you take some of the money you're making on your weed sales and go find yourself a qualified dental professional to take care of those chiclets of yours there, all right? All right. Good Lord man, you're going to frighten small children walking around like that.

Next up is a one Tracy Tredway, the principal of an elementary school in Rochester, Indiana who, according to The Weekly Vice, was arrested for drunk driving after leaving a Halloween party. And while it's unfortunate that he was out driving around under the influence, it's more unfortunate that we aren't able to see his high heeled shoes and his wig that he was wearing with his floral print dress that he was driving around in at the time. Behold!

Nice. Nice touch. Good example for the kids, too! Sure.

As I'm sure you have already guessed from the content of this post, a lot of these folks will hail from Flori-duh. That's the case with Jason Vibber, seen here in his mugshot which accompanied the story over there at WFTV News of him getting arrested for burglarizing an apartment and getting caught wearing latex gloves and carrying a TV. According to the story, "Vibber's mug shot shows the suspect was visibly upset when arrested." There's only one thing that I dislike more than a thief and that's a thief that cries when he gets caught stealing someone else's stuff. Get a job, loser. And while you're at it, get a Kleenex.

Here we have the Bacon Bandit, a one Luann McKinnley (again from Florida, this time the small town of Stuart) who was caught stealing a 3-pound bag of bacon from her employer, a Perkins restaurant. Hey! Wasn't Perkins the same coffee house where one of Tiger Woods's hoes worked? I think it was! I wonder why this chick didn't just hook up with Tiger instead of stealing bacon?

Oh. That's why. Never mind. Carry on.

Speaking of Flori-duh, this one speaks for itself. Don't we all just adore the facial tattoos that people get? Sure! They're all completely upstanding citizens and probably all have above average IQs, right? Um, yeah, not so much I don't think. I don't know, maybe you should tell me. Here is a one 22-year old Sean Roberts and his Flori-duh facial tat. Behold!

Huh. A tattoo of Florida on his face as evidenced by his mug shot which was taken after he was arrested. I'm leaning toward moron with this guy. I mean, it's not even a good tattoo! And do you really want people to know the second that they look at you that you have an intense fondness for America's wackiest state with the lowest cumulative IQ? I don't know why you would, but apparently he did. (I have the feeling that "lowest cumulative IQ" factors in here somehow.)

I don't have a lot of information on the fellow below, but judging from his mugshot, I'm going to have to say that he was either working on one of the world's worst disguises or he was arrested exactly half way through becoming clean shaven. Behold!

I really don't know what else to say about that. Nor do I know what to say about the woman below. She looks awfully confused. I'm not sure if she's confused as to why she's under arrest, how she managed to get arrested or, the most likely, what in the hell happened to her eyebrows.

The chick below, well, I don't even know how she could have stayed awake long enough to commit her crime (which was, by the way, stealing and eating meat and cheese from a deli counter in Dayton, presumedly Ohio). According to WCPO, a one 50-year old (Good Lord! 50?!) Maria Magobet ordered meat and cheese from the deli counter and then walked out without paying for it. She must not have walked very far before chowing it down because when the cops caught up with her, she was still chewing! Maybe if she had better manners she wouldn't have drawn their attention because "officers say they saw bits of lunch meat on Magobet’s mouth and shirt." And I must say that I do believe them...mainly because you can still see crumbs on her mouth that were there when they took the picture for her mugshot!


Then there was Donald Earl Fite, III. Mr. Fite was arrested in Oregon and charged with first-degree aggravated animal abuse, fourth-degree assault and coercion. Those charges stemmed from, among other things, his becoming "angry and violent" when his ex-girlfriend (whom he wanted to get back together with) "...told Fite she had plans that night, and they didn't include him" according to OregonLive.com. The ex-girlfriend managed to flee and when she returned to her apartment, "...she found her fish in the middle of the floor with a knife through it." Upon his arrest, Fite told the officer that he had, in fact, impaled the fish and that he realized that it was a stupid thing to do. But he had a reason! He said that "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish." Huh. I can't imagine why she broke up with him in the first place! It's a mystery all right!


And I'm going to wrap up this list with a one Henry Earl.

Oh, sure, his mugshot might not look like much on the surface. But when you hear of the milestone that ol' Mr. Earl reached this year with that very mugshot, then you'll understand. See, that mugshot marks the 1000th time that Mr. Earl was arrested. That's not a typo. Those are three zeroes. One. Thousand. Arrests. The only thing more surprising than that is that he was arrested all of those times in Kentucky and not in Flori-duh. Aim high, Mr. Earl. Aim high.

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The Lie Of The Year Winner Is....

Apparently, there's a new award that's being awarded (duh) this year. Just be thankful that it won't involve Lady Gaga or Mister GooGoo or anyone like that. No, this is an award that seems to have been dreamed up by the fact-y folks over there at PolitiFact.com. The award is Lie of the Year and according to an article written by a one Johanna Neuman over there in a blog at the LA Times, there was online polling and one lie came out far ahead of the rest (as determined by those who voted in the online poll which PolitiFact just made up, that is correct). Let's see if this sounds familiar, shall we?

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil." Sound familiar? Of course it does. And it was uttered by none other than the one, the only (thank God), former half term Governor from the state of Alaska, Sarah Palin.

Now, I'm not so sure if that's really more of a statement about Sarah Palin or if that's more of a statement about everyone who believed it. Actually, it's probably a statement about both, now that I think about it. And thinking about it would have really behooved some of those who believed it and ran with it before trying to determine if there was any sort of validity to it what so ever (which there wasn't, by the way). But there's no time for thinking when there's a ruckus to start up! Pitchforks! Torches! Everyone with me?! No? What? Good.

But when I compare that statement to the others that were in the running, I find it interesting that it was the Sarah Palin statement that "won". It makes me wonder if that's a reflection of how many people out there are really not buying into the whole charade that Sarah Palin is supposed to be the unnamed savior of this country. (She's not, by the way. She seems like a nice lady and she has a lot of great ideas and does a lot of things is a swell manner, but I don't think I want her as the President of this country. It takes more than being nice to...oh. Wait a minute. Isn't that kind of how President Barry got elected? Yeah, never mind. She'd win. Carry on.) I'm hoping that this "award" will grow some legs and be reported somewhere besides blogs. (Because we all know how blogger can be. Sheesh!)

So who were the runners-up, you ask? Well, I asked! In no particular order, other than the fact that they're all lies told by liars, we have "Glenn Beck's claim that Obama science advisor John Holdren favored forced abortions." Hmmm. Forced abortions, eh? Gotta tell ya, I've met some folks in my time who have reproduced and...well....it's never going to happen and it's a pretty horrible concept, but having met some of the folks that I have, it's not a completely unwarranted thought. (Oh, lay off! You're thinking the same thing! What about that dumbass neighbor of yours with the kid that got your brand new screwdriver stuck in nose? Sometimes the gene pool is just so shallow, it almost makes more sense to just drain it than it does to keep skimming the bottom and hoping for something good to come up.)

Another of the also rans was "Orange County dentist Orly Taitz's claim that Obama was born in Kenya, which helped spark the birther movement." Tell me something. How did this one not win?! That is the most ridiculous thing that anyone has ever come up with and it didn't win?! It's more outrageous than the death panel claim, if you're asking me! It actually scares me that this one did not win because I'm worried that it really grew legs to the point where it couldn't have won (you know, due to all of the people who are still questioning it). Wake up, folks! He's not a Kenyan! And he's not a Muslim! (I always like to throw that last part in there whenever I get the chance. And since it wasn't one of the runners-up in this story, I like to think that I've really been doing some good by always harping on that FACT.)

Finally we have "Vice President Joe Biden's claim that swine flu spread because “when one person sneezes, it goes all the way through the aircraft.” :::: sigh :::: Are we the land of the wacky Vice President now? It used to be just the wacky Presidential sibling and/or child. Billy Carter. Roger Clinton. Patty Reagan. Granted, we had Dan Quayle there for a while. But he wasn't as much wacky as he was just a doughhead, really. Biden misspeaks and says cuckoo bird things almost as much as GW did. (Almost as much. No one can top GW in terms hilarity for what came out of his mouth. Every day that man gave people around the globe new material to work with. I kinda miss that. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss GW. I just miss having instantaneous blog fodder whenever he opened his mouth.)

I'm pretty sure that the Biden quote shouldn't have won for Lie of the Year, mainly because I don't think that he was lying. I think that's what he actually thought. I think that Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and that nutjob dentist chick all know that they're not being honest. Glenn Beck especially. That guy has taken what he does (heighten panic through inducing fear) to an art form. (I don't watch his show very often, but I have to ask this: Does he cry on every episode? Every time I catch his act, his eyes are all red and his face is all damp.)

But the Biden misspeaks at least give us the damage control patrol done by Robert Gibbs, the Press Secretary. I don't know who that guy thinks he's kidding some of the time, but the answer is no one. Gibbsey is an interesting act, but he can't put quite the spin that he wants to on certain things. His response/explanation to what Veep-y Joe said was "I think that what the Vice President meant to say was again, the same thing that many members have said in the last few days and that is if you feel sick, if you are exhibiting symptoms, flu-like symptoms, coughing, sneezing, uh, runny nose, uh, that you should take precautions, that you should, uh, limit your travel, and I think, uh, what he said and what he meant to say." When pressed by the extremely awesome Jake Tapper of ABC News, Gibbsey replied, "Jake, I understand what he said and I'm telling you what he meant to say." That was met with a fair amount of laughter from the press corp there that day. And how could they not have laughed? That's hilarious.

But back to the Lie of the Year...Former half term Governor Palin has responded to her "winning" the dubious distinction by taking to scribing on her Facebook page. (My God, people! Get off of Facebook! Knock it off! I am so sick of hearing the word Facebook! Stop it!) She wrote, in part, "Though Nancy Pelosi and friends have tried to call “death panels” the “lie of the year,” this type of rationing – what the CBO calls “reduc[ed] access to care” and “diminish[ed] quality of care” – is precisely what I meant when I used that metaphor."

Um, Nancy Pelosi doesn't work at PolitiFact.com. I mean, she didn't the last time I checked. No, last time I checked she was ridiculously close to being successor to the position of President of the United States, a scenario which scares the holy S out of me. But here's the thing, Mrs. Palin. You can't use a metaphor unless it is clear that is what you are doing. You can't use a metaphor and totally act like you haven't used a metaphor. You can't use a metaphor and then continue to drive that same metaphor into the ground without clarifying what it is that you were trying to say. You can't just take the one thing that (softheaded) people are really afraid of and then throw it out there in pretty simple terms (so that their soft, soft craniums can absorb it more easily) and not expect it to be taken literally. You just can't. But you did. And that's why you're winning the Lie of the Year award from PolitiFact.com.

And actually, that "taken aback" attitude that you seem to have over your dubious honors might just earn you one of the runners-up award as well! Congratulations!

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The Day After Christmas Craziness

Wow. The day after Christmas and suddenly things are just running amok everywhere. Since I'm still fortified by my holiday egg nog (which, if you cannot read a newspaper through the glass of nog, it's not strong enough), I'll just briefly touch on a few of these rather than throwing a full blown tirade over each one. (For now. There's always tomorrow.)

First up, we have some jackass on Northwest Flight 253 who allegedly (translation: he did it) tried to blow up the plane by attempting to ignite explosives which he had brought onto the plane. Flight 253 was destined for Detroit, having originated in Nigeria, and had 278 passengers and 11 crew members aboard. While this could have been absolutely disastrous had the man succeeded, what struck me as even more amazing was that there were 278 people in Nigeria that wanted to go to Detroit! How does that work, exactly?

According to the account by the huffy folks over at the Huffington Post, the plan was thwarted when "...travelers who smelled smoke and heard what sounded like firecrackers rushed to subdue him." Afterwards "...the suspect was taken to the front of the plane with his pants cut off and his legs burned." (That is known around here as "Friday night".)

Really, all of the circumstances of the whole ordeal are pretty murky, so it's hard to say if this guy was working for ol' Weird Beard over there in Sand Land (Translation: Osama bin Laden in Pakistan) or if he was just a plain ol' lone nutjob. But in the wake of this, you can expect "heightened security" at airports. Just what exactly that means, no one really knows. I'm going to have to guess because they really don't do anything. How were they going to prevent this? They like to tell us (in a ineffective reassuring fashion) that all passengers pass through metal detectors. Yeah, that's not going to help much with the bomb-y folks carry chemicals, now is it? Nope. Not going to help a bit.

And if there isn't better security in these foreign lands, that's not going to help much either. According to the article cited above, in Nigeria "Uniformed federal police officers often focus their time on keeping hagglers and taxi drivers out." Hagglers? Like street vendors? Like hot dog cart dudes? THOSE are the folks that the federal police officers in Nigeria are concerned about?! Tell you what folks? What say you let me fend off the guy trying to get me to buy a poncho or a shawl and you have the federal police officers try and keep nutjobs with bombs off of the planes, all right? All right.

Speaking of nutjobs, some woman managed to jump on or at (it's really not overly clear to me) the Pope just before he was getting ready to do his Christmas Day shout out to his peeps. According to those across the pond at The Daily Mail "Susanna Maiolo, 25, a Swiss-Italian national with psychiatric problems" jumped over a rail as the Pope walked down the aisle. The thing that amazes me is that she tried the same thing last year. (By the way, I really appreciate the Daily Mail folks characterizing her as one with "psychiatric problems". I find that refreshing. Here in the States, that would have read "with an alleged history of possible mental health issues". That's because our media coddles. The media also sucks. Sucks and coddles. Hmm. That's really not a bad name for a band, you know. Whoops. Sorry. I digress. Anyway....)

The Pope wasn't hurt but French Cardinal Roger Etchegaray fell down and broke either his femur or his hip. I've read accounts of both (because the media sucks, that is correct).

Since this woman pulled the same stunt last year, she was known to folks at the Vatican. People really stand up and take note when you jump out at the Pope. And a senior source at the Vatican (aren't they all seniors over there? From what I can tell, the average age is about 92.) said 'The fact this woman is known and was still able to get through security is very, very serious." Has anyone checked to see if she's had recent contact with the Salahis? Just wondering.

The article also mentioned that "All the people who were inside St Peter's had invitations and so would have had to be checked and give their names." Again, Salahis? Anyone? Anyone? But then I saw the photos of the crowd at St. Peter's. You know. That crowd with "invitations"? Behold!

Yeah, right. How do you send out invitations to that many people? How do you verify and/or check that many people and their invitations? I don't think that you can. I'm guessing that you don't. Oh, it's a good line to spew out in cases like this, but I just don't think it's possible. (No offense to the Pope, the Vatican, and/or God.) Then again, I also saw the photo below and have concluded that perhaps in the future, maybe the Vatican doesn't want to employ the court jester as a guard. Behold!

But the statement that indicated that this sort of thing is likely to happen again was when that senior Vatican source said, "This woman was able to get through these checks as well as the airport style metal detectors." Um, sir? Pope co-worker man? Yeah, see, when you're attacking someone, you don't need any metal. I can be metal free and jump on anyone who walks by me. A metal detector isn't going to change that. I appreciate the effort, but that was really weak.

And finally, we learn from the Washington Post that while President Barry and the family went to Hawaii for the holidays, Bo the dog did not accompany them on their vacation. The reason being is that, "Hawaii is rabies-free. Hawaii's quarantine law is designed to protect residents and pets from potentially serious health problems associated with the introduction and spread of rabies." Now, while I understand all of that, they sure do take it rather seriously. (I know that there are rabid animals on the mainland, but are they problematic? Sure, we'd like there to not be rabid animals, but is it such a big deal that is why Hawaii has these seemingly overly stringent rules on animals coming over for a little fun in the sun?)

Basically, if your animal is under 10 months old, there's no way that the animal can be brought to the islands and released to you (as animals usually are) without being quarantined for 120 days. That's right. Animals coming into Hawaii, if they haven't met a boatload of requirements, must be quarantined for 120 days. Wow. Now, while I can understand why the islanders would want to keep the islands "rabies free" how many people are really taking their potentially rabid dog to Hawaii with them? I'm guessing not many. I'm guessing not many at all. And 120 days seems rather excessive. Then again, those folks live in Hawaii. I can't imagine that they're in much of a rush to do anything really.

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