Simulated Sex, But Actual Idiocy at the AMAs

Is it meaningless award season or what? I swear we just had a bunch of award shows that were mockable. Now the American Music Awards occur and we have to do it all over again? OK, if I must. But really, running them all together like this only makes it easier. When you're on a roll, it's so much easier to just continue rolling. And I shall....

Here we have Nicole Kidman and her husband, Keith Urban. In a style similar to, if not exactly the same as, what he wore last week to the...um...other award...show, he seems to be afraid that his wallet is going to escape and feels the need to chain it to his pants. Also in a similar fashion to the other award show, his shirt is opened up just enough to reveal part of the flaming tattoo on his chest. Again, I'm unclear on what the tattoo that he sports actually depicts, but I'm leaning toward the Hot Wheels logo.

But enough about Keith because truth be told, he looks fine. Nicole, on the other hand, well, what happened there? It's kind of like she's wearing a bath mat, but she's not. Or is she? I really can't tell. Overall, it's an unflattering outfit and that's really unfortunate because Ms. Kidman is usually quite hot. This time however, she's quite not.

There was Val Kilmer with his date 50Cent. Yes, they make a lovely couple. According to the Huffington Post, Fiddy has written "...a screenplay and has reportedly gotten Kilmer to star alongside him. The movie is called "The Gun...The pair will play friends involved with illegal weapons dealing." Surprise. A movie written by a rapper that centers around illegal weapons and the dealing thereof. I'm shocked. Actually, what shocked me more was that Val Kilmer's outfit was surprisingly reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter in the last scene of "Silence of the Lambs". Behold!

Yeah, that's just a little weird. But it's not as weird as Bobby Trendy's little outfit. Behold!

Was it Lady GaGa that started this trend of showing up for these things dressed like some sort of parade float? It's ridiculous. No one thinks you're cool. OK, fine. Maybe one jackass out there thinks you're cool, but the rest or the world thinks you look ridiculous. You really need to check yourself if you're showing up for anything dressed like your own personal Cirque du Soleil. Do you going to show up to parent-teacher conferences dressed like that? Just wondering because you're looking like some sort of a Muppet on crack.

Here's the ancient Joe Perry wearing his stunning Amelia Earhart-esque aviator scarf and his seemingly shirtless bare chest. Behold!

There was Rihanna in her outfit that she seemed to have ordered from a Venetian blind factory. Could she be any more revealing without being revealing? Does that even count as being clothed? I'm not so sure that it does.

I'd like to know what Kate Hudson was thinking when she wore a set of curtains for a gown. Seriously, did she think that what little breasts that she does have would not be tempted to make a cameo appearance in that thing? Tell me that isn't just asking for trouble.

Truth be known, that shot looks a little touched up to me. I couldn't find one that definitely exhibited a nip-slip, but I have a hard time believing that at least one of the girls didn't take a peek out to see what was going on.

And finally, for those of you who were still perplexed as to why Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol, his performance at the American Music Awards last night pretty much sums it up. Like it or not, America is a lot more conservative that some folks either want to believe or than some folks would have you believe. Adam Lambert didn't win because his act was a little hard to take all the time. The screeching. The guy-liner. The tongue wagging. Every week? Ugh. No. Did he sing better than that Kris Allen guy? Sure. Should he have won? I don't know if he should have or not, I'm only getting ready to explain why Kris Allen won and he didn't. (And whether he won or not, he seems to be doing just fine. ) Here's Adam Lambert grabbing his sparkly crotch.

Here he is with a dancer who seemed to be outfitted by the same designer who clad Rihanna.

Here's Adam Lambert simulating his receiving oral sex. Quick! Call the kids and have them gather 'round the set for this one! You've just been waiting for the perfect opportunity to explain the concept of a "blow job" to them anyway. No time like the present, right?! Good Lord....

Oh, and here he is full on kissing a male dancer.

And if all of that wasn't enough, here he is flipping off anyone watching. Nice. Real nice.

So, apparently the American Music Awards are not for families to watch. They're certainly not for children to watch (and that's going to be hard to explain to your kids when you have people that kids would want to be watching perform). They seem to be barely for adults to watch. Look, I'm not a against a little skin. I'm not against a lot of skin as long as it's done tastefully. I'm not against any sort of over the top performance. But am I against watching some dude full on simulating getting a blow job on stage and on TV? Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think I am. Actually, I take that back. I am against that. I don't think that simulated oral sex and overt middle finger gestures need to be mainstreamed into our pop culture. I just don't. I don't know what his point was, but if it was supposed to be that he's a grandstanding jackass, he succeeded.

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They Wore What to the Emmys?

My hell, didn't we just have an awards show to mock incessantly? I think we did! And now the Emmys are suddenly here and so here we go again! Quite frankly, it's exhausting. You'd think that they could spread 'em out a little bit and let us find our bearings again. But no. No. Instead one week after some jackass rapper interrupts the greatest moment of some little 19-year old's professional (and probably personal) life, we find ourselves once again in the position of feeling the urge to critique those in the spotlight at the Emmy Awards. How do we do it? Mediocre on most occasions, but let's give this one a whirl and see how it comes out, shall we?

First of all, if your name is January Jones, don't you have sort of an obligation to look good? To look just as sexy as your name sounds? Who would have ever thought that "January" could be thought of as sexy? But it just rolls off your tongue (kind of like you'd wish that she would) and it works. For whatever reason, it works. And so did her dress at the Emmys. Behold!

Yeah, it works. And I don't even care why. You look like that, you can get there anyway that you want. As a friend of mine once said, "I love me some January Jones." Well said.

Drew Barrymore could show up at the Emmys wearing a bathmat and she'd still look good. She'd even make the bathmat look good. Don't believe me? Behold!

Yeah, the Bed, Bath & Beyond folks really should consider getting in touch with Drew. She's just adorable. Even that woman behind her on the left with her boring, white, sleeveless top and her "I'm Michelle Obama" too high waisted skirt thinks so.

Fortunately, these were the regular Emmys where people knew to show up and not bring their pets. That would be as opposed to the Daytime Emmys where not all people knew to show up without their pets. Or without their handbag masquerading as a pet. Or was it the other way around? You tell me. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be a one Stacy Haiduk from The Young and the Restless. I got a little bit restless myself looking at that cat purse there. Even though she was at the Daytime Emmys and not the regular Emmys, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to throw this in. Where else was I going to showcase it? There's hardly a call for this sort of thing...um...anywhere! But wait! As if that isn't creepy enough, how about a frontal shot? Behold!

Man, that weirds me out. As it should anyone! Back to happy! Back to happy!

Heidi Klum never ceases to look fabulous. Even when she is extremely pregnant and looking so huge that it makes me nervous, she is stunning. I want to know where you find a dress designer that can make you look this good when you are that preggers. Whoever that person is, they should get their own Emmy. I wouldn't imagine that it's an easy feat to pull off.

With Heidi Klum looking like she could drop the kid before the first commercial break, you'd think that they might require her to bring along her own, uh, person who supervises things like that at times like those. I don't know what you'd call someone like that, but perhaps Sarah Silverman has one hidden underneath her gown here. Behold!

Seriously, does it not look like she has two elves (I envision them to be the Keebler elves, mainly because it's cuter that way and because they'd likely have cookies to snack on during the down times) underneath there who are just holding up the sides, probably for no other reason than if they let them down they'd suffocate under there? She looks a little dismayed without Jimmy Kimmel by her side. Ooh! Hey! Maybe he's under there with Guillermo, his parking attendant! Um....hmmm. Some things are probably better left unknown. This is one (or two) of them. Moving on!

The disaster above is a one Phoebe Price. I cannot for the life of me figure this one out, mainly because this is her as she is arriving to the Emmys. See, if it were after the Emmys, that would make sense. A drink here, a drink there, a couple of clandestine makeout sessions behind the buffet table and you could easily come out looking like that. Hell, you could easily come out looking a lot worse than that! But before the Emmys have even started? That's perplexing. It's not as perplexing as trying to figure out just how many legs this woman actually is sporting these days. Behold!

She's like an octopus. You can't tell where anything ends and where anything else begins. The arrows all point to different areas that could, in fact, be a leg or some other sort of external appendage which may be useful or, like it's cousin, the appendix, may not be useful. It's hard to say. Your eyes just don't know where to focus. Everything just keeps coming at you from all different angles. It's quite distracting.

I've looked fairly thoroughly online to try and figure out why, exactly, this person is even at the Emmys. Never mind the pink sparkly dress covered in sequined Q-Tips or palm trees or mascara brushes or whatever they are. I know it's hard, but never mind that for right now. Why on earth is Shar Jackson at the Emmys? Wait. Who?

Yeah, that's my point. Who? Shar Jackson is the ex of K-Fed. K-Fed being the now ex-Mr. Britney Spears. That's it. That's all I've got. Oh, sure, she's had TV roles. Let's see, what was she last in? Oh, that's right! Moesha!! Seriously, why is she there? No clue. None. I can't even think of anything worth speculating about because there's nothing! So instead, I'll use this moment to throw in that K-Fed has become K-Fat since his departure from Camp Spears. Behold!

OK, that's enough (clearly) of that. Finally, we have what could possibly be the worst idea in award show dresses ever. If it is not the worst one ever (so far, of course. There's always time for some nitwit to come up with something far, far worse) it is definitely in the running. In the running with...? Glad you asked. It is at least as bad as:

Bjork and Celine Dion in 1999:

Uma Thurman in 2004 (as a cross between what appears to be Aladdin and the Swiss Miss girl):

Cher in 1986: Diane Keaton (as Charlie Chaplin in drag, apparently) in 2004:

Geena Davis in 1992: Yes, quite possibly worse than all of those. That's right. It's Victoria Powell in the Obama Tablecloth Gown. Behold!

I....I....I really don't know what to say. But President Barry is supposed to be on Letterman on Monday night. I'm going to bet that Dave will ask him about it, so I'm deferring to Dave and his interviewing skills (and the fact that he actually gets to talk to him and I, on the other hand, do not) to address this monumental failure of the Executive Branch of Red Carpet Fashion. Good Lord....

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