But It's The Truth

It was probably only a matter of time before we began to hear from the relatives of the chick that slept with Arnold Schwarzenegger and bore his illegitimate miniature bodybuilder offspring with a seemingly inherited giant head. Yesterday, we got to hear from the daughter of ex-Schwarzenegger maid Mildred Baena. That would be a one Jackie Roso. Let's see what drivel she spewed so that people could pretend that they're interested.

She apparently told "Entertainment Tonight" in regard to her mother that "She's like a superwoman, pretty much...She's always been there for us, for me and my brothers. And that's why me and my brothers will always be there for her, no matter what." Yeah, I'd say that she's a superwoman. Anyone who could keep the secret that they're sleeping with their boss (who happens to be the governor of California) WHILE still working in the family home is somewhat of a superwoman. Somewhat of a superwhore as well, but I'm OK with the superwoman moniker.

The best part though, was this: "It doesn't matter what any newspaper says... I know my mom, and her friends and her family, we all know her. The Mildred that they put out there...it's just like...gossip, rumors." Well, I don't know what exactly she's referring to, but pretty much all I've heard is not really as much gossip and rumors as it is the truth. And those "rumors" didn't so much come from the media as much as they actually came from Arnold himself when he admitted to being a lying and cheating scumbag and fathering your child. It's hard to imagine any reason for him to say those things unless they were true. So it's really not so much gossip and rumors as much as it is your mom is a homewrecker.

I'm not quite sure why this chick feels the need to say anything considering that her mom hasn't spoken up yet at all. She also, apparently, hasn't spoken to her mom since all of this came out. She might want to wait just a little bit longer next time she decides to speak out about things that are totally true. Just a thought.

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Toads On Craigslist

Yesterday, we had what might have been the shortest "sex scandal" in Congress ever. Seriously, the only way that you knew that anything had even happened is because suddenly the guy resigned. And it was only 3-1/2 hours after the whole thing came out! Then when you hear something like that, that's when you get to hear why he resigned. It's all just very odd. And I really don't think that it's much to resign about. But then again, at least we won't have to hear about it for weeks on end. I hope.

Here's the deal: There's a New York Representative named Chris Lee. Now, Mr. Lee is a married bloke and he wanted to have an affair. From what I can tell, he did not have an affair...this time. But then again, when you're caught doing something, you're rarely caught on your first time out. Whether or not he had affairs before trying to have this one is beyond me. (Translation: He's been cheating on his wife for a while now. Pig.)

See, he was trolling Craigslist looking for a hookup and ended up being enticed by "...a 34-year-old single woman of "black/Irish" descent, who had advertised online for a "financially & emotionally secure" man" according to the NY Post. (Black/Irish descent? Begorrah, M-F-ers! Yeah, that joke really works best if you use an Irish accent. It's pretty good without it, but the accent really hits it home.) She apparently had written: "Will Someone Prove To Me Not All CL [Craigslist] Men Look Like Toads". Oh. I see. So, you're too good for Craigslist, and yet you're on Craigslist. This woman is bothering me already.

Representative Einstein replied to said ad with: "Hi, Hope I'm not a toad. :)". I can only assume that is when he sent the following picture of himself. Behold!

Good Lord, sir. What is that look on your face? Were you recently anesthetized before taking that pictures? And seriously, when are people going to learn how to take pictures with their phone without actually having to point the phone IN the mirror?! What the what?! I really have no answers. He apparently also included in his reply (along with that sexy, sexy photo): "I'm a very fit fun classy guy. Live in Cap Hill area. 6ft 190 lbs blond blue. 39. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint." Oh. Sure. Yeah, you seem classy. Because nothing says "classy" like a married member of Congress taking a shirtless picture of himself in his bathroom. Oh, yeah. It reeks of class. Reeks. And I guess that "promise not to disappoint" means...can get an erection? I'm a little unclear on that part, so I'm really just surmising at this point. I can't think of much else, though.br>

Of course, we all know now that he is not 39 and he is not a lobbyist. He is 46 and he was a Representative for the state of New York. He was also married at the time. Whether or not that plays out for very long after this fiasco, we'll just have to wait and see. Then again, if I was his wife, it wouldn't be so much about the affairs as it would be about his way of going about them. "Here I am in my bathroom without my shirt. Am I a toad?" Ugh. What a tool.

He did send along an explanation of the photo that he sent, saying: "I just took this one . . . I'm relaxing at home." You're just relaxing at home? Who the hell relaxes at home like that? In their bathroom, still wearing their dress slacks and (probably) their loafers and completely shirtless? Apparently, he wants someone to believe that he does. The woman who had originally posted the ad had similar questions to mine, asking him: "So do you always send shirtless pics to women from cl?" Lady, you're trolling for dudes on Craigslist! You can knock off the little coy act. You're no saint yourself, you know. And while that question was pretty bad, his answer is even worse.

The dude answers her and explains: "Sorry. It's all I had." It's all you had?! You took a picture with your cell phone! What, you cell phone doesn't work any more? The days of those sort of excuses are gone. Long gone. There is NO excuse for not sending someone a current picture of yourself. There's also NO excuse for not sending someone a picture of yourself where you are be-shirted. You could have taken a picture of yourself while your shirt was still on! Does he not get this sort of logic? He apparently did not! Even if you put the cell phone part aside, why would the ONLY picture that you would have of yourself be one where you don't have on your shirt?! Maybe he's just routinely shirtless. "I don't even know where to find a shirt. It's been so long. I haven't worn a shirt in years!" What a maroon.

And that's that. Once word of him and his shirtless stupidity got out (when the chick figured out who he was because he was dumb enough to use his real name, she went running to Gawker.com and I'm guessing sold them her story just like you'd expect a gem like her to do), he resigned. It's over. But there is one little side note I'd like to leave you with. Back in 2009, "...shortly after he helped pass the Student Internet Safety Act" (you read that right), he "...wrote an op-ed piece warning kids about the dangers of the Internet." He wrote: "Responding to what may seem like a friendly e-mail . . . can have serious consequences...Private information and images can so easily be transmitted to friends and strangers alike." That's good advice, son. Good ad-vice.

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The Fiery Unit

Sure, you're going to be a little bit upset when you find out that your husband is having an affair. You might even contemplate some sort of revenge upon him and, perhaps, his straying unit. But if that's going to be the case, you're really going to need to think about what you're ultimately hoping to accomplish, here. Because while you might only set out to simply burn your husband's penis out of rage, should you end up burning down the entire house and killing him in the process, you're going to have a lot of explaining to do.

Let's go to the land down under to a suburb of Adelaide, South Australia called Unley. There we'll find a one 46-year old Rajini Narayan. We'll find her to find her husband has been having an affair. According to news.com.au, for some reason, in December of 2008, Ms. Narayan's husband was lying in the couple's bed and gave Ms. Narayan "...his email password and she found emails detailing the affair." Well. That's one way to do it. Needless to say, his wife was less than thrilled.

After learning of his affair, she allegedly said to him, "You say you loved her. I'm going to burn your penis. I'm going to tell your family what you have done." Shouldn't she have just chosen one? Tell his family OR burn the penis? And did she really say it like that? I mean, that seems rather matter-of-fact. Why would she say that? It really ruins the surprise of all of the penis burning that would take place later if you're asking me.

Now, her attorney claims that "...the words were "spoken from Narayan's heart" because of a "genuine, if wildly misguided" belief she would keep her husband." Hmm. Do you really want a husband with a burned penis? I don't know that you do. I certainly don't know why you would. Granted, it would probably stop him from having affairs, but that doesn't mean that Ms. Narayan, as the one doing all of the burning, is going to be benefiting sexually from such a deed either. But Mr. Narayan apparently didn't seem to care about his wife's plans/threats, as he allegedly "...rolled away from her, turning his back on her. He said: `No you won't, you fat, dumb bitch'." And she wants this guy...why? Burn his weenie off. That's how I feel about the situation right about now.

And that's apparently how Ms. Narayan felt as well, as she doused her husband in petrol and proceeded to have herself quite the weenie roast. However, her act of revenge wasn't just limited to the man's unit. No, she managed to burn him over 75 percent of his body at the same time she burned down the family home. The crispy cheater died a few days later. Whoops.

Ms. Narayan is, of course, on trial for killing her husband. She doesn't appear to be denying that she acted the way that she did. And while one can sympathize with someone who finds out that their spouse is cheating on them, can they really sympathize to the point where they're OK with them burning them to death? Perhaps. Perhaps if, like the prosecutor says, "Ms. Narayan had told a tarot card reader, who she had visited just days before the attack on her husband, that her husband would not let her reduce her working hours because she was paying for the other woman." No pun intended here, but what a dick.

I'm not so sure why Ms. Narayan couldn't just up and leave. There's no way in hell I'm staying with some guy who tells me that my paycheck is helping pay for some other woman that he's having an affair with. Yeah, I know that burning his penis off sounds really great and all. But the thing about fire is that it's pretty hard to contain to just one bodily organ, especially when the whole body is doused in fuel. I can't imagine that she won't be found guilty. Then again, I couldn't imagine that Lorena Bobbitt was going to get off either. Stay tuned!

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Keep Your Second Wife OFF Of Facebook

There's dumb and then there's just asinine. But what is it when you've gone past dumb and past asinine? Are you just so incapable of understanding anything at all and how it works that there isn't really a name for it? Or is the word that I'm looking for as simple as "idiot" or "moron"? It probably is, but this just seems like it require just a little bit more than either one of those. It's almost like the don't do the story justice, especially when the story is how a woman found out through Facebook that her husband had another wife. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to WKYC in Cleveland, the woman, "Megan" as she preferred to be called for the story because she didn't want her real name used (nor did she want her humiliation to be spread far and wide and directly attributed to her), married her husband in 2005 in a ceremony in Italy. (I have no idea why WKYC thought that was relevant to the story, but they included it and so I did the same. If only they had questioned the relevance as I had, they might not have felt the need to include it at all.) After that "She knew her husband took a lot of business trips. Now she knows why." And while that's not entirely accurate (it's not like he was really on business trips, WKYC. Try to pay attention, would you?), his being gone a lot was explained when "Her relatives pointed her to the other woman's Facebook page where Megan discovered multiple photos of her husband and the woman together." Oh. Whoops.

Yeah. Whoops. Now, it's not like "Megan" didn't have some questions about what was going on in their marriage. "Megan said she first became suspicious when her husband claimed to have been in China and even brought back gifts for the kids yet his passport had been at home the entire time." It's unfortunate that the story doesn't delve more into how that was deal with in Megan's household. It seems a little difficult to explain, as that passport for international travel is pretty necessary. (Unless you're going to the United States, in which case just come on in like millions of other folks do every year.) But the media is crap these days, so what did I really expect?

I'll tell you what I expected. I expected people to be a little more discerning about what goes on their freaking Facebook page. But I guess this sort of thing happens all the time. What a weak act you people are. Seriously. You don't have the guts to just leave someone or to tell them that you're leaving? Instead, you leave it up to them to "accidentally" find out through pictures that were posted on Facebook? Seriously. Would you not know that there are people on your Facebook who are relatives or friends with the one of the other people involved in this and who will be seeing what is on your Facebook page? Or that of the whore that you're sleeping with? What is wrong with you people?

And it's not like just having the affair and having those pictures posted was enough for this guy and his extramarital bimbo. No, "A few weeks later, dozens of wedding photos also showed up on Facebook showing Megan's husband and his new bride." Dude. You're already married. You think that isn't going to come out at some point? Let me rephrase that, you moron. You think that this isn't going to come out at some point AFTER pictures of your SECOND wedding are posted on Facebook while you're still MARRIED? How can one be so dense and yet somehow manage to keep themselves alive through adulthood? It's a mystery.

Naturally, Megan wants a divorce. Her husband, not being all that bright to begin with, says "he doesn't believe he needs a divorce because he learned after the fact that the marriage paperwork was never filed correctly in Italy and therefor they were never married." Tell you what. How about if you don't get a divorce, but you let Megan go all Lorena Bobbit on you? That seems fair.

Look, I don't know about you, but I cannot imagine having an affair if I was in a relationship, let alone if I were married. It sounds simply awful to me. Not because of the deceit that is obviously present when something like that is going on, but because of the effort. It sounds positively exhausting. Trying to keep stories straight, trying to keep lies straight, trying not to get caught, trying to keep everyone happy, etc. Good Lord, why on earth would anyone voluntarily enter into such a mess? And this guy got MARRIED. TWO wives! Isn't one wife enough?! Isn't one wife plenty?! Isn't one wife more than enough on some days?

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Sorry, Sorry Tiger Woods

Rumor has it that Tiger Woods is set to come out of his self imposed exile from the world (and from all cocktail waitresses, apparently) and issue a "public apology". This won't be a statement read by someone else, though I have to believe that it will be a statement which has been crafted by someone else. My assumption is that Tiger wants to return to playing golf and there is no way that he is going to be able to do so without saying something more about his "transgressions" (ie, screwing everything in a Waffle House with two legs and a skirt, though the two legs didn't seem like a requirement that was set in stone or anything).

There are very few things that I like about the public apology. First of all, we all know that you didn't write it. We all know that you're just reading words that someone else crafted. Expecting us to believe that those are real words from deep within whatever amount of a heart that you actually possess is rather insulting. We're not idiots. Granted, overall, there aren't a whole lot of shining bulbs on the tree. But we're far from dim.

Second, I don't like how these public apologies are always one way. The wrongdoer comes out, blathers on about something, doesn't take questions, and then departs, usually through some large curtain. (Where do they get those apology curtains anyway? I'm guessing the same place they get the apology podiums and the apology lecterns.) I don't know that public apologies, if they're intended to be sincere, should be any different than private apologies.

Let's really use our imaginations here and assume that I am married to some guy. (I realize that is quite a stretch, but making crap up is half of the fun here, so stick with me!) And let's say that I find out that the guy I married has a seemingly insatiable thirst for dalliances with cocktail waitresses and porn stars (Internet or otherwise). After I crack him in the face with a 9-iron and cause him to attempt to flee from our Florida compound in his SUV, we separate to let things cool off for a while. Then he wants to apologize. Now, I realize that any sane person would tell this guy to go do to himself what he has been doing to all of those bimbos. But, let's say that I decide I'll listen to his apology. He apologizes and then right as I'm getting ready to ask him some questions about what he's just said, he stands up and says, "Sorry, babe. No questions." And then he walks off.

Um, no. That's not how it works. And that is why I hate the public apology. I am a firm believer that an apology is not on the terms of the one who is apologizing. The apology is on the terms of the one who has been screwed over. And for this particular sort of apology, the one who has been screwed over is the public. Granted, the public was rather gullible and allowed itself to be screwed over, but that doesn't really give someone else the go ahead to start the screwing.

See, this whole thing wouldn't be that big of a deal if Tiger hadn't promoted himself as being someone completely different than he was. That's why the Charlie Sheen ordeal isn't getting a lot of press like this Tiger thing is. I mean, seriously, Charlie Sheen gets arrested on Christmas Day for allegedly holding a knife to his wife's throat and then she subsequently checks herself into a rehab clinic for a crack addiction. Holy crap. That makes the fracas over at Tiger Woods's place seem like Thanksgiving at my place (during which no one was arrested, on drugs, holding others at knifepoint or cracked over the head with a 3-wood). But Charlie Sheen has never (to my knowledge) promoted himself as a squeaky clean guy with a squeaky clean image. That's why there is the uproar (pardon the pun) with Tiger. He made us all believe that he was squeaky clean. And now we're supposed to accept his apology, no questions asked? Screw you. Oh, wait. Someone already did. Never mind. Poor choice of words. You know what I meant.

I'd really like it if one of these public apologies would be on the same terms as private apologies are. You know, with all of the questions by the apolgizee for the apologizer at the end of said apology, because I'd really appreciate someone being asked "Why are you apologizing?" Frankly, I'd rather have someone be sorry than say sorry. I also wouldn't mind hearing the answer to "Why did you lie to us? Couldn't you have just done the right thing instead?" But I'd also really like to have them be asked, "Why should we believe that you're sorry?" Because I'm guessing that the majority of the time, if not every time, they're not sorry for what they did. They're sorry that they got caught. They're sorry that their carefully crafted life which they had previously enjoyed so much is no more. They're sorry that they have to deal with stuff. But I think that they're rarely sorry they did what they did.

If someone comes out on their own before being outed by a tabloid or a newspaper (that is, provided that there's a newspaper out there that still does reporting and stuff like that) and admits their own screwups before anyone had ever found out about them, that might indicate sorry. Then again, I don't foresee that happening because why admit something that no one knows about? Well, if you're sorry about what you've done, you do. I guess.

If Tiger doesn't like the public scrutiny, you know what? He doesn't have to deal with it. There is not one thing in this entire world that is making him be a pro golfer. I'd hazard a guess that he has more money than he can spend in this lifetime. (And he's going to have a heck of a lot more money now that he isn't paying off Perkins waitresses to keep quiet about their torrid affairs.) If he doesn't like it, if any of these public figures don't like it, there's a very simple solution. Stop being a public figure. Then you'll have all of the privacy you want and you can be as big of a pig and as big of an a-hole as you want. Enjoy.

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Confirmed Bimbo Number Eight!

I said I'd let you know when I knew! And I know! Well, I know what others are telling me. Others in this case would be The Huffington Post. And they are saying that one of the previously unconfirmed women that Tiger Woods was sleeping with has been identified. And said identification has now upped the total that we're looking at to eleven. (Come on, Tiger! Four more and my guess is dead on! Come on, whores! Come out, come out, wherever you are!)

See, yesterdays roll call of hussies had the number pegged at 10 (but with sadly only 9 spots on my Brady Bunch-esque pictorial scorecard). Today's bimbette is in addition to the throngs mentioned yesterday. So we're still waiting for another pancake house waitress, a Brit and an elderly woman to step forward. But while we're waiting, we can feast our eyes and our waning disbelief on this woman, a one Joslyn James. Behold!

Holy canoli, that's a lot of women. Hey, Tiger. What is it with you and women with the first and last initials of J. Jaimee Grubbs, Jamie Jungers and now Joslyn James. Though of the three double sets of J's, I'm going to have to go with James winning the raunchy contest (if one were being held, of course). She's top ho, that's for sure.

I found a profile/biography/resume for Ms. James over at the LH Talent Casting website. I'm guessing, just judging from the pictures of Ms. James, that the LH stands for "Lotsa Hoes". By the way, that site is SO NSFWAA (Not Safe For Work AT ALL), you might want to make sure that there are no small children nearby when you're checking it out. I know you're going to. Don't lie.

I, personally, have a hard time getting past the heading that says "Seymore Butts Light House Talent Casting". It's certainly not false advertising. You're definitely going to Seymore Butts on that site than you would over here, that's for sure. The woman has a very large set of breasticles implanted. I'm not sure what they implanted, but from the looks of it, I'm guessing cantaloupes. Good Lord, ma'am. Most folks carry business cards.

The resume at the casting agency lists the sort of work that Ms. James is available for. Let's just say that it includes everything except for bestiality. Anything else she seems to be game for. And while I'll agree that most of the time it's a good idea to cast a wide net and expand your horizons in the employment industry, what say if you're a whore, you narrow down that net just a bit, OK sweetheart? OK, then.

Tiger's whores are getting trashier and trashier as this tale drags itself out longer and longer. Again, we're still just limited to this continent. Once the stories start hitting the British papers and his bimbos over there begin to get wind of the amount of money the other whores were paid to tell their story, they're going to start talking in those fabulously accented voices of theirs rather quickly. I guarantee it. If at least one Brit is linked to Tiger, I will guarantee that at the very least, two more will come out of the woodwork and show off their fake breasts.

I've started playing a little game with all of this. I call it "How Many Whores By Morning?" I chose morning rather than at the end of the day because I figured that the women would be rising on the whore-izon. By the time I get up every morning, how many more whores will have come forward and say that they fornicated like crazed mammals with the aforementioned adulterer, Tiger Woods? Because you realize that's what's happened. Almost every day, a new woman surfaces. It's almost unbelievable. And that leads me into my question.

HOW on earth were THIS MANY women able to have kept quiet or been kept quiet for so long? Seriously. They didn't figure that they could have sold their story before now? I don't understand that at all. Was he paying them off to be quiet? Did they all think that they were the only one and when they found out that they were so NOT the only one that they acted out as the scorned ho and told all to the highest bidder? WHY hasn't this happened before the circle of whores became so large and widespread (sort of like all of their legs)? I'm open to theories. Please post them because I'm out of guesses.

Stay tuned for the next round of whores to come out of the woodwork. I'll also take guesses on how long it will be before Tiger finds himself sitting on Oprah's couch, begging for forgiveness and trying to explain his animalistic desire to uncontrollably mate with anything that moves.

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Bimbo Number Ten? Number Ten?

To quote the absolutely adorable Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live last week, Tiger Woods drove his SUV into a tree and a bunch of ladies fell out. I'm well aware that people have affairs when they're married. Those people are known as adulterers. Those adulterers are also known as scumbags. (Look, if you're going to cheat on your spouse, what say you don't do that and you don't humiliate them and instead you just divorce them, OK? OK, then.) And seriously folks, I can understand cheating on your spouse with one person and I can sort of comprehend cheating on your spouse with two people. Anything over two and you're a certain kind of scumbag. But Tiger Woods is closing in on double digits. Right now, we're up to seven confirmed bimbos and two semi-confirmed bimbos. Sources over at MSNBC say that "The number of women connected to Tiger Woods could top a dozen by week’s end." Could top a dozen. A dozen. A dozen is twelve the last time I checked. Really, Tiger? Twelve?

What is wrong with you that you've been married only since 2004 and you have two very small children at home with your Swedish bombshell of a wife and you're sleeping around with at least twelve different women. Well, for starters, you're an egotistical pig. To quote Keith Olbermann, we now know what Tiger's handicap is. It's cocktail waitresses.

I've composed a grid, a la Brady Bunch style, of the currently confirmed mistresses and the two alleged mistresses. Behold!

God, I love Photoshop. Let's take a gander at the sort of woman that Tiger sleeps with, shall we? Oh, wait. Pretty much his type of woman would be simply those who are female. There is sort of a theme with these chicks. See if you can figure it out before we get to the end here. Thank God that the Herald Sun down there in Australia put together a comprehensive list of where we're at so far. That was really helpful to me.

Bimbo Number One is Rachel Uchitel. (You can pronounce these chick's names any way you'd like. That's the least of my concerns here. On with the bimbos!) So far, Uchitel has continued to deny that she is linked to Tiger Woods. Granted, she has latched onto despicable human being and sensationalistic media whore attorney Gloria Allred, so you really can't believe that she is completely innocent. Word lately is that she was paid at least a million dollars by Tiger's people to keep quiet about her affair with him. Pretty easy money for her, but money not so well spent by him, I'm thinking. I mean, big deal. She's quiet, but the other eight (so far) are talking. What? You think that his wife is going to be OK with only eight mistresses, but if she had found out it was nine that she would have flipped out? I don't think that's how these things work.

Bimbo Number Two is Jaimee Grubbs. If you're spelling your first name with two e's like that, you're a certain kind of chick. Admit it. Think of anyone you've ever known (if you've had such a pleasure) that has spelled their name with two e's at the end like that. Yeah. Them. Got it? All right. Now I know we're on the same page. Ms. Grubbs, who claims to have had a 31-month long affair with the philandering golfer, sold a voicemail that Tiger (aka, the Cheetah) left for her, desperately asking her to take her name off of her voicemail so that it was just a number. She sold that voicemail for a reported $150,000. She didn't make out quite as well as Ms. Uchitel did on her deal. She should have bargained more. Never take the first offer. That's just the rule!

Bimbo Number Three is a one Kalika Moquin. She is 27-years old and manages some sort of a club in Vegas. According to the Herald Sun, when asked to comment on her alleged affair with Tiger Woods, "She would neither confirm nor deny the report." She was doing him.

Bimbo Number Four is a one Cori Rist. The first name ending in a single i tends to follow the rule of the sort of person that name is attached to as does the double e rule, though the single i rule is not quite as strict as the double e. Ms. Rist is apparently a swimsuit model who flew to various junctures around the globe to engage in various sexual trysts with Mr. Woods.

Bimbo Number Five is a one Jamie Jungers. Congratulations to Ms. Jungers for spelling her first name in a way that is traditional and normal. Not so much congratulations for having previously made her living as an employee of Trashy Girls Lingerie. Sounds classy, doesn't it? She is rumored to have sold her story to a British paper and that story should be coming out sometime this week. They'd better hurry. With the number of chicks coming out of the woodwork, no one is going to care if it....oh. Wait a minute. I'm not so sure that anyone cares now.

Bimbo Number Six is 33-year old Mindy Lawton, a waitress at the Orlando pancake house, Perkins. She's a coffee house waitress? Really, Tiger? Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with being a coffee house waitress. It's honorable work. I guess I just...I don't know. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how he would think it would be OK to have tawdry sex (and it was tawdry...apparently in his car outside of her trailer park) with just a plain ol' waitress and have her not talk about it. Actually, I'm kind of wondering that about all of these women. But more on that later. By the way, she has earned the nickname in the media as the Flapjack Floozy. I like it. It's funny.

The seventh confirmed Bimbo is Holly Sampson. Ms. Sampson, according to The Sun, has starred "...in a string of fetish movies, including bondage flicks." What was that word I used a moment ago? Oh, that's right. Classy. She's starred in films such as "OMG, Stop Tickling Me" and "Flying Solo 2." Huh. Wow. So, that Stop Tickling Me movie, does that have Elmo in it? Like Tickle Me Elmo? Is it for the kids? And I don't recall having ever seen Flying Solo 1, the original, but I'm guessing it must have been pretty darned good if they made a sequel, wouldn't you agree? I'm guessing it must have been some sort of aviation instructional film, so it might not have had a widespread audience. That must be why I've never heard of it! Of course!

Unconfirmed Bimbo Number Eight is "...a former cocktail waitress from Orlando, Florida she was 20 years old and met Woods at the Roxy in Orlando, where she was a VIP server." What, exactly, is a VIP server? Escort? Whore? I don't think that she was serving up just cocktails, I'll tell you that much. I'll also tell you this much: The "unconfirmed" part of Bimbo Number Eight's moniker is not long for this world. Her story sounds completely plausible, as it is exactly like all of the other stories that have come forward.

And finally (for now), Unconfirmed Bimbo Number Nine is "... a “sexy” British TV presenter who was single at the time, but is now married." See, this is what I was waiting for. Let's just assume that the first eight are all legitimate, as we have no reason to believe that they're not. That's just on this continent. Tiger has played in the British Open for the last 13 years (excluding 2008 when he was injured or something). Can we expect at least eight more bimbos across the pond to pop up? I think we can!

Wait! This just in! Unconfirmed Bimbo Number Ten! We have hit unconfirmed double digits of whores that Tiger Woods is cheating on his wife with! This one "...is reported in a UK paper to be a “sex-addicted cougar.” Hmmm. That one seems a little vague, but I am admittedly intrigued by the "cougar" label. Just exactly how cougar-ish are we talking? 40+? 50+? The elderly? What gives?

No one has seen this lying, cheating scumbag since the night of his unfortunate accident when he plowed into the tree after bouncing off of several hedges and a fire hydrant. I can only hope that he has been enduring many more beatings at the hands of his current (but I'm guessing not for long) wife Elin. Any guesses as to how many bimbos we're going to end up with as a grand total? I'll say 15. Minimum. If it hits 20, we might have hit a new low as far as cheaters go. Cheating in and of itself is pretty low, but with 20 different women? All I can say is that I hope Tiger catches something and his own personal driver shrivels up and falls off, if you know what I mean.

By the way, I need to thank my good friend, AliceAmplified, for providing me with the above image. I love Photoshop and all, but I can't take credit for this one. Thanks!

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