Who Cares WHERE He Found It?!

Here's a story that I don't understand at all. I feel like I'm missing an integral part of the whole thing because it doesn't make a lick of sense. It starts out cool and then becomes unbelievably ridiculous. I guess I'm just amazed at some of the opportunities in which certain people choose to be incredible jackasses. In this case, the jackasses seem to be the Rolling Meadows Police Department who got their uniforms in a wad when someone lied about where they found seventeen thousand dollars that they turned in.

According to the story in the Chicago Tribune, a one 54-year old Robert Adams "...found a Chase

Bank bag full of cash totaling about $17,000 near a Walgreens ATM in Midlothian". (By the way, I'm guessing that all of these places are somewhere around Chicago. It's their Tribune, after all.) Holy canoli! Seventeen grand! That's a lot of cheese. I have to admit that if I found that sum of money, I would be giving some serious thought to what I would be doing with it. I'd like to think that I'd do the right thing, but would I really? I have no idea. But for some reason, this guy, Mr. Adams, "...drove to Rolling Meadows and turned in the bag at a Chase Bank." OK. I don't get that, but at least he turned it in. It's seventeen grand, for cryin' out loud. What more do these people want? And apparently Mr. Adams "...later told police he found the cash outside a newspaper stand in Rolling Meadows."

OK, look, I don't know why he told the police that. But if it were my seventeen thousand dollars that I lost, I wouldn't give a fat rat's ass where someone SAID that they found it. Someone gives me my seventeen grand back and they can say that they found it wherever they want. Where they actually found it is the least of my concerns after I have received it back. Funnily enough, I'm like the only one who sees it this way because the police decided that he needed to be fined for his horrible misdeed. Wait. What now?

That's right. He was FINED $500 for filing a false report! And look, I don't know why he did it. According to him, he said "...he felt more comfortable turning the cash in to Rolling Meadows officials and filing the report with Rolling Meadows police." OK. I don't get that, but I'm OK with it. He says that "...It was a hot day and he just wanted to get home". I totally get that. Whatever. Seriously, who the hell cares WHERE he found it?! He RETURNED seventeen THOUSAND dollars and he was under NO obligation to do so. And he was really fined five hundred bucks?!

What is wrong with you people? Why couldn't that have just been let go? This is Illinois, where four of the last seven governors have ended up in JAIL for various convictions for corruption, bribery and the like. And they're going to get all bent out of shape and actually fine someone $500 for returning a boatload of money but not being totally honest about where he found it because he said it was hot outside?! Note to self: If ever running across large sums of wayward cash whilst in Illinois, keep for self. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT turn it in...especially if it's hot outside.

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Fictional Newsweek

What is wrong with people? I know that's a question that this blog asks more than it answers, but I still want to know. This time, the questionable action in question involves the surprisingly still published Newsweek. And the cover story that they went with in this week of news? Are you ready? If Princess Diana were still alive, she would be turning fifty on Friday. What would she be like? Behold!

Are you freaking kidding me?! First of all, they have her strolling along on the cover next to her daughter-in-law who she never met (and who was something like 11 when Diana smashed into that wall). I don't know why that's a little weird to me, but it is. Fortunately, her headwear apparently withstands the test of time. Silly things on top of your head continue being silly.


But the article (or fable, whatever) goes on to imagine how Princess Diana would be today. The story is written by a one Tina Brown and she apparently envisions a Princess Diana who tweets the Dalai Lama and who has "...a deliriously designed Facebook page" complete with "...another age projection of Diana clutching an iPhone." Of course. An iPhone. God Forbid if the not-dead Princess Diana were to have learned the wonders of the Android operating system or the smartphone awesomeness that is the HTC EVO 4G. (Um, yeah, I might have one. Why?) It continues to speculate without any basis (or point) that "Imaginary Diana has a lofty apartment in New York, a strange but comforting friendship with ex-husband Charles, Prince of Wales, and naturally a front-row next to Victoria Beckham at Fashion Week." Of course. Or not. (Really? She didn't think that she'd still be hanging out with some rich Egyptian dude in Paris? She's just going to plop her down in New York for some reason? Oh, that's right. This is pure fiction with no basis in fact at all, so I guess that the author could have had Diana as some sort of circus performer or Wall Street banker because it doesn't matter!)

How does something like this fit into a magazine called "Newsweek"? It's not news. It is rather, however. Unfortunately, that's not the kind of week that we're talking about here. I didn't know that it was OK for a major publication to run a cover story that is completely made-up and has absolutely no purpose what so ever. Does anyone really care all that much anymore? Yes, yes, it's sad that she met an early, untimely and likely horrific death. But what purpose does imagining what her life would have been like for a news magazine? None. No purpose! However, if they had shown her without that ridiculous hat, perhaps I might have been more on board.

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A Wife Sentence

Well, here's a match made in heaven for you. What we have here are two people who are currently incarcerated (and don't seem to be getting out any time soon) who have fallen in love and have taken the plunge and married each other. All from behind bars. For some reason that I'm not quite clear on. Meet Marissa Star Bilotti the love of her life, Iftekhar Murtaza. (You can pronounce that however you'd like.) Their whirlwind romance began in January when they were both behind bars. I should mention that they're both still behind bars and will both likely continue to be behind bars for years to come. And trust, it's not a tragedy.

According to the OC Register, these two lovebirds met when "...Bilotti sent Murtaza a letter at the suggestion of another female inmate". Of course. Because that sounds like a good way to hook a fella. Find another inmate. He will probably be more likely than a free, law-abiding man to understand how she came to be in her predicament. What is her predicament you ask? Let's see...oh, here it is! She is charged with "...first-degree murder, burglary, and robbery." See, she allegedly helped her boyfriend kill some guy in 2010. She allegedly "...concealed a folded knife in her vagina while waiting in a getaway car." Sure. That's real normal. I'm sure she's a peach.

But what about him, you ask? Again, an upstanding citizen. This gentleman is charged with "...abducting the father and sister of his ex-girlfriend, beating them to death, and then setting their bodies on fire in an Irvine park in May 2007." Now, now. Let's not judge right away. Maybe there wasn't any kindling available. And besides, what if it's a misunderstanding? She doesn't want to take the chance of not marrying this prince based on a simple misunderstanding, does she? Apparently not.

"They got to know each other through a furious exchange of letters, sometimes six a day." See, I don't get that. Six a day? I understand that they don't have much else to do in there, but why not just shove the rest of the letter in the same envelope? It's certainly not very thrifty the way that they're going about it. I hope they take a look at that as they begin their life as a lawfully wedded couple. An efficient running household is really something to strive for.

From what I can tell from reading the article, there was an awful lot of red tape that had to be gone through in order to make it so that these two felons could be joined in felonious matrimony. Why this was even an option is beyond me. I certainly hope that it didn't cost the taxpayers any money. It's bad enough that the public is already likely paying for these scumbags lawyers. (Oh. Sorry. Alleged scumbags.) Why should anyone give a fat rat's ass if these guys get married or not? They're in freaking jail! For killing people! How is their being able to get married any sort of a priority for anyone?! Keep your eye on the ball people! For cryin' out loud.

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It's Almost Everyone, So Fix It!

I ran across a fascinating Gallup poll the other day. Why more politicians aren't talking about this poll is beyond me. Why more regular people aren't talking about this poll is also beyond me. Even if you disregard the poll topic, the sheer fact that almost EVERYONE in the poll agreed on one thing is astonishing. You can't get almost everyone to agree on anything. Why isn't that news? Because the media sucks, that's why. I mean, based on the results of this poll, certain things should be reported in completely different ways. But alas, they are not. I can only assume it is because they're morons.

Here's the question: "How important is it to you that the government take steps this year to deal with controlling U.S. borders to halt flow of illegal immigrants into the U.S." Your choices are: Extremely important, very important, moderately important or not that important. To me, extremely and very are pretty close in meaning. I wish they'd go with things like Super-Duper vs. Very or something like that. I am pleased to not see "hella important" as a choice, however. Ready for how people answered? The result will shock you. (No, they won't. They won't shock anyone who is intellectually honest AND who has a pulse. It has to be two out of two or else it doesn't count.)

"53% say the need for government action this year to halt the flow of illegal immigrants at the borders is "extremely important". Huh. Over half. Not much over half, but over half none the less. That's something. But wait! There's more! Those who thought that it was "very important" (which, essentially, sounds pretty much the same) totaled 29 percent. Huh. 29 percent. That's almost a third. But there's still more! Those who thought that it was "moderately important"? That would be 12 percent. Only seven percent said that it is "not that important". There's no telling what's wrong with those seven percent.



But back to the other percentages. So, with 59 percent in the "extremely important" camp, 29 percent are going with "very important" (both of which sound awfully similar, probably because they are) and another 12 percent bringing up the still important category of "moderately important". I'll do the math for you and tell you that adds up to a whopping ninety three percent. You do realize that's damn near everyone, don't you? Yeah, it is.

Ninety three percent think that it is some degree of important to stop the flow of illegal immigrants at the border. Ninety three percent! You can't get ninety three percent of people to agree on anything. I think that even the percentage people dislike syphilis only clocks in at only ninety percent. This is ninety three! It blows syphilis out of the water. (Which might be how they got that in the first place.)

So if almost everyone feels this way, why is there so much tip-toeing around it in the media? Why are these permanent visitors to our fine land referred to as "immigrants" or "undocumented workers" or other pansy ass terms that leave out the term "illegal"? Seriously, the next person who says to me that a person can't be illegal? Yeah, they're going to get stabbed. The next person who says to me that we're all immigrants or that we're a nation of immigrants? Yeah, that's a stabbin', too. Clearly, by the results of this poll, we are all perfectly OK with calling this what it is AND, more importantly, with some politician standing up and saying something and doing something about it! What are they afraid of? With ninety three percent of people behind the idea, it's not like it's going to be a political downfall to endorse something like this!

Then again, maybe it will be. I have to hand it to that seven percent with their head up their arse. For only being seven percent, they sure have been able to manipulate the media into only covering their point of view and also getting the media to portray this issue from their angle of "it's not important". I mean, if you're part of the 93 percent (and if you're reading this blog, I have no reason to believe that you would not be), are you going to be entirely comfortable using the terminology "illegal alien" (which is the correct term, by the way) or "illegal immigrant" or simply just "illegal"? Heck no, you're not. That's because the only point of view that seems to get any (hot) air time is that of the seven percent. And they try to make their point by calling the other ninety three percent racist if they bring it up. It's ridiculous.

Now that we know that ninety three percent of Americans think that something needs to be done about this ridiculous illegal flow of people largely from a specific foreign land, I wonder how long it will be before a politician grows a pair big enough to do something about it. Even if they just mentioned this poll and put their support behind the issue of trying to do something about illegal immigration, that would be good enough for me. (Yes, I intentionally set the bar quite low in instances like these. I'm tired of being disappointed by setting a reasonable bar.) But considering that the results of this poll were released six days ago and I haven't heard word one about it, I'm not holding my breath.

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Yes, Please Learn To Swim

I saw the sign below today and I have questions. Behold!
In case you can't totally see the text, it reads: "Prevent Drowning: Tip #2 Learn to Swim". That's tip number TWO?? What the what is tip number one?! Live in a desert?!

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Like A Lion, Only Less Hairy

Warning: This isn't my usual witty fare. But it's important. Granted, I think that other things that I put on here are important as well, but seriously, are they? Kinda. But still not as important as this. Look, my very good friend's father died from melanoma about five years ago. It's not good. But there are things that you can do to catch melanoma early and improve your chances of survival. This video gets to the heart of those things that you should probably know. I know it runs a little bit long at just over five minutes, but give it a watch. If you knew that you were going to be attacked by a lion one day, wouldn't you want to know what to do about it when that lion finally jumped out at you? Of course you would! (Just ask Siegfried and Roy.) Think of melanoma as that lion, only with less hair. And if the video doesn't load, click here.

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They're Not In There

There are several ways to tell if you might have a drug problem. If you start missing work or going to work high, you might have a drug problem. If you start avoiding things that you once found pleasurable so that you can do drugs instead, you might have a drug problem. If you find yourself cutting open your acquaintances rectum with a straight razor to look for drugs, you might have a drug problem. Wait. What?

Correct. Meet Ethan Adam Younce, a 22-year old lad from Elkton, MD. According to something called The Dreamin' Demon, it seems that ol' Ethan and a bunch of his buddies were at a house at around 4AM. (Nothing good happens after midnight, folks. Nothing. I know that it seems like there's a lot of stuff going on, but there isn't. Nothing good, anyways. Take this story for instance. It happened after midnight and there isn't one good thing about it.) I'm assuming that young Ethan and his friends were just as high as could be because after one of the lads at the house passed out, "Younce and two others at the party believe that the man passed out has either drug money or drugs shoved up his ass." Of course. Because...well...why wouldn't he? Or something.

Naturally, Ethan and his friends, a one 27-year old (and old enough to know better) Eric Edward Allen and a one 18-year old) and also old enough to know better) Maurice Helton, woke the sleeping man up by beating him. While that does seem like an effective way to roust someone from their slumber, it really doesn't seem necessary. Oh, and speaking of things that don't seem necessary, you know what else fits into that category? What happened next, that's what!

See, because there was, by all reasonable calculations (coming from the geniuses who were convinced that this guy had a stack of drugs in the suppository position) at least FIFTY dollars worth of drugs, they decided to go looking for them. So "Younce’s accomplices held him down while Younce stripped him". And here's where it gets a little oogie. This is not for the faint at heart. It's really not for anyone, but if you can read this without squirming in your seat at least once, then you have nerves of steel at the very least.

With the guy completed naked, Younce decided to carve up his anal region like a Thanksgiving turkey. Using a silver-and-black folding razor, Younce began cutting away...down there! And of course, his friends helped him in this endeavor because they must have thought that it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do to someone who might have all of FIFTY DOLLARS worth of drugs in their rectum. Fortunately, one of the people in the house realized that nothing good happens after midnight and ran "...shrieking to a neighbor to call 911." The cops showed up. Younce was arrested. His victim went to the hospital for "...emergency butt reconstruction surgery". He made it through the surgery and surprise! No drugs were found. Shocking, I know.

I have yet to read in any of the accounts of this fiasco exactly what Mr. Younce was high on in the first place. There's no way he was sober. That sort of information could prove helpful in the war on drugs. Listen, if I were a youngster and someone was talking to me about the dangers of this Drug X that Mr. Younce was on and they mentioned that this particular drug could make someone think really crazy thoughts about what was up my butt and want to carve it out of me with a razor, you can be damn sure that I wouldn't be around anyone who did that sort of drug EVER! I highly doubt that I would be doing that drug EVER as well. It sure as heck beats that "This is your brain on drugs" campaign with the fried eggs. I don't want to turn into the person that thinks that everyone's ass is a drug pinata. That's no way to go through life, son. No way at all.

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Coming Soon!

Need something to wash down that s*** sandwich that I discussed a couple of days ago? How about an apple flavored shot of horse semen? No? Are you sure? Because they're out there and, apparently, there are people who are paying to have this...experience? I don't know what to call this at all. Really. I'm running out of words to describe the idiotic.

According to the Dominion Post, "...Apple-infused horse semen shots...are part of the central Wellington pub's entry in the nationwide 14th annual Monteith's Beer & Wild Food Challenge". Wow. Challenge accepted, eh? Holy crap. How this made it onto the menu at the Green Man Pub after the "challenge" is beyond me. But apparently, people (mostly women) want to try it.

It is what it says that it is. It's horse jizz with the lovely taste of apples infused in it, presumably ruining the lovely taste of apples. And according to the article, "...the drink was proving most popular with women." Jesus. Ladies, you're not helping anything by drinking one of those. Not helping a thing. This just turns the whole thing into one big game of "Let's see what else she'll buy!" And I'm pretty sure that's how the world ended up with thousand dollar purses and fifteen hundred dollar shoes! And considering that 20 vials of the...stuff costs $300 dollars, this sort of stupidity isn't going to come cheap. (Pun SO not intended. I barely want to write about this, let alone brainstorm up witty little mannerisms.)

The chef at the Green Man Pub, a one Jason Varley, "...admits to trying the drink himself which he said was "ok", and "like custard"." No, it doesn't. I haven't tried, nor am I going to. But I can tell you right now that it does not taste "like custard". You know what does taste "like custard"? That's right. Custard! Not...this. Or...that. You know what I mean! It does not taste like custard! It doesn't taste like chicken, either, so don't even go there! If something has to taste "like" something else, why don't you just eat the something else? That's why I don't eat things that are made out of tofu. "It tastes like chicken, but it's really tofu." What's the point in that? Just eat some damn chicken. Same with this...stuff. If it tastes like custard, dear God, please have some custard instead.

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It's A Trap!

I don't have any children of my own that I know of. And I'm a chick, so I think it's pretty much a given that there aren't any. But if I were to even remotely ponder birthing another human being (in a process that seems to be akin to shoving a pot roast out of one's nostril), it would be for utilitarian purposes. You know, a little extra manual labor around my walled off compound. Someone to load the catapults, keep the alligators fed, oil the drawbridge pulleys, maintain an appropriate amount of water in the moat. Stuff like that. Those gators aren't going to feed themselves. Wait. Yeah, they are. Scratch that. But the other stuff? That's what you have kids for.

It's either for manual labor or for teaching them awesome things to do when they're super little. Take the little guy in the video below. His parents are clearly Star Wars nerds. And they also seem to have a pretty strong grasp on the noises that various animals make. The doggie. The kitty. The monkey. Admiral Ackbar. Wait. Admiral Ackbar? Correct. I said that they were Star wars nerds. And if you're going to like Star Wars and you're going to have kids, you had better teach your kids who says what. And Admiral Ackbar realizes that it's a trap. And these two did one heck of a job with their...son? Son. They did one heck of a job with their son. Behold!

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Dunn For

When I'm finally done on this planet (and some days, that could not come soon enough), I'd like to be remembered for some of the good stuff that I've done. (Hey! I've done plenty of good things! Don't judge! What have YOU done?) I mostly try to keep the stupid things that I've done completely under wraps. And I'm hoping that when I do finally go, it isn't due to one of my stupid things.

Do you know who Ryan Dunn is? He is apparently one of the chaps that participated in MTV's Jackass movies. You remember those movies. They're the ones where a group of guys spend the entire movie just doing really stupid and really dangerous feats. Turns out, he doesn't just do stupid things when he's making a movie or a TV show. He does them in real life, too. Well, he DID them in real life. And the last one that he did, according to NBC Philadelphia, was to drink a whole bunch (that's him on the left in the picture above that he tweeted before the wreck) and then get into his Porsche and drive it at ridiculous speeds until he flipped over a guard rail, causing the car to burst into flames and kill Ryan and his passenger. Smart, eh? Yeah, not so much. Here's a picture of his car after the wreck. How they figured out it was a Porsche to begin with is beyond me.

But here comes the part about remembering. See, I was vaguely aware of the Jackass franchise, but I never spent any time watching it. And quite frankly, I had never even heard of Ryan until this happened. So everything that I learned about his life, I learned from reading about it on the Innerwebs. I read one particular highlight repeatedly. And according to TMZ (and a bunch of other sites), "34-year-old Dunn appeared in all of the "Jackass" movies -- famously shoving a toy car into his rectum in the first flick back in 2002." Um, what now?

THAT is how he is going to be remembered? As the guy who shoved a toy car up his arse?! Good Lord, man. Does anyone really want to be remembered for shoving anything up them? (If you're thinking about a Richard Gere joke right about now, just stop. That's most likely not even totally true.) Maybe he was a really good guy when he wasn't sending Hot Wheels to the land of no return. I have no idea. I'm sure that his family and friends will miss him. (I'd like them to be a little bit angry at him while they miss him since he would most likely be alive had he not decided to get "over-served" and then drive a Porsche at unthinkable speeds along a winding road at 2:30am.) Choose your actions wisely. (ie, Don't purposely insert die-cast vehicle into your rectum.) You never know. One of them might be the thing that people are talking about after you're gone.

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Don't Waste Your Waste

Ever just feel the need to tell someone to "eat s***"? Well, now you can do that and it's actually a possibility for them, thanks to some Japanese scientists who "...have actually discovered a way to create edible steaks from human feces." Oh, Japan. Is there anything that you can't do?

According to an article over at Yahoo! News, a one "Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement." That's right. There are proteins in your poop. It's really not so much "Who knew?" as much as it is "Who cares? But I'll tell you who cared. Tokyo Sewage, that's who. Well, they might not have cared about the protein part, but they were concerned about the poop part. They had too much sewage mud. So they went to a wacky Japanese scientist and asked him what he could do with it. I don't know that they were expecting to get lunch out of the deal, but that seems to be what has happened.

I'm going to just interject a thought right here. What's wrong with fertilizer? Isn't poop good fertilizer? Don't they have crops that need...boosting or whatever you want to call it? Why wasn't fertilizer this scientist's first thought? How come he went right to"I wonder if we could eat it?"

I guess the poop, er, sewage had a lot of bacteria in it because there was a lot of protein in it. That's when they "... extracted those proteins, combined them with a reaction enhancer and put it in an exploder which created the artificial steak." OK, I think that someone is taking their liberties just a bit too far to start describing this stuff as "steak". Seriously? I'm thinking that if you're going to go with anything other than poo, you really can't just jump to "steak". They claim that "The “meat” is 63% proteins, 25% carbohydrates, 3% lipids and 9% minerals." Hmm. Now, if I read that right, the sewage is where the protein was. So that means that almost two-thirds of this little treat comes from waste. I don't even want to KNOW where the carbohydrates come from, so don't bother asking. I am NOT researching THAT.

And get this: "The scientists hope to price it the same as actual meat, but at the moment the excrement steaks are ten to twenty times the price they should be thanks to the cost of research." Ten to TWENTY times MORE than REAL meat?! No thanks! I don't care how many greenhouse gases this would eliminate! I'm not paying twenty times more than I need to in order to eat a burger made out of poo! What say I pay twenty times less than that and get a meal with NO POO in it? OK?

This scientist claims to understand "...the psychological barriers that need to be surmounted knowing that your food is made from human feces." Wow. Psychological barriers. That might be the understatement of my lifetime. But do you know what they're hoping will persuade people to dive right in? They're hoping that "...people will be able to overlook that ugly detail in favor of perks like environmental responsibility, cost and the fact that the meat will have fewer calories."

Environmental responsibility? I recycle, for cryin' out loud! I feel as if I'm doing my part. I am not going above and beyond sorting out my cans and bottles by eating a s*** sandwich! Al Gore weighs four hundred pounds and I'll bet that he wouldn't eat one of those things either. And are they really going to throw the "fewer calories" at us? Seriously, this thing could make me drop twenty pounds each time I ate it and I still wouldn't touch it. You know why? Because it's made of human excrement, that is correct! And do you know what has even fewer calories than eating the Japanese s*** sandwich? NOT eating the Japanese s*** sandwich.

This is a terrible idea that needs to be filed away in the "They Mean Well" category. There are plenty of other examples out there of things that were made, but they just didn't turn out so well. The Yugo. A McPizza. Geometry. All had humble beginnings but just never really panned out. This needs to go in that category. Immediately.

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Happy Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. Not exactly my most favorite day of the year, but at least the corporations don't cram it down our throats the way that they do Mother's Day and Christmas. (It's not always joyous!) I don't know why I feel the need to do this, but I do and I'm gonna.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

I just wanted to tell you thanks for being my Dad. I pretty much scored on that deal. OK, granted, when they called and told you guys that you could have me if you wanted, it did help things a bit that you said yes. (I didn't really have a lot of say in that whole deal, so the ball was really pretty much in your court at that time. And well played!)

You did a really good job. You taught me a whole lotta stuff. And I apparently still could have learned a bunch more, as evidenced by a couple of weeks ago as I was attempting to assemble a bicycle. Let's just say it did not go well. All I kept thinking was how if you were around, you'd know how to do it. (But I did remember about always saving the box until you know that you're not going to have to take something back! THAT was helpful!)

I still have that Father's Day card that I never got to give you. I don't really know what to do with it, so I'm just gonna hang onto it. I think it's a Daffy Duck card. I'm pretty sure you'd like it.

I really miss you and I sure do wish you could come back. Happy Father's Day.

Me.

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Give Me Your Cash

All rightee now. Perhaps Jon Huntsman had the right idea when he went about making an innocuous campaign video. (At least, I think it was a campaign video. There are still a few days left and in the latest one that I saw, that little dude was still riding his motocross bike through the desert, so I'm not totally positive.) At least he didn't make a video like the one I'm about to show you. Holy crappings. And let me just tell you that while there are a lot of things out there that people are shouting are racist, almost none of them actually are. But this video? I think it might be just a little racist. And by "a little", I mean I think it totally is.

The video is made by something called Turn Right USA. According to their website, their mission is "...to expose and lampoon the typical politico’s microscopic brain through cutting-edge viral videos with guts and humor!" OK. I'm good with that. I like humor! I like cutting-edge! But that doesn't mean that we see those two things in the same way. In fact, I'm pretty sure that we see them in a totally different manner altogether.

Turn Right USA decided to make an attack ad against a one Janice Hahn. She appears to be a Los Angeles Councilwoman. The ad alleges that she hired "...hard core gang members with taxpayer money to be gang intervention specialists." The ad also alleges that "She even helped them get out of jail so they could rape and kill again." That seems kind of unlikely, but I'm still listening. After those allegations, the ad takes a turn to a place that you just shouldn't go. It shows a scantily clad woman who seems to resemble Ms. Hahn walk up to a stripper pole. That's when the rapping black guys emerge.

That's right. Rapping black guys. They're supposed to be the thugs that allegedly worked with Ms. Hahn. And they rap a catchy a little tune. It goes like this: "Give me your cash, bitch, so we can shoot up the street. Give me your cash, bitch, so we can buy some more heat." And these rapper thug guys with their guns are imposed over the fake Ms. Hahn on the stripper pole who is shaking her buttocks rapidly as the gentlemen place dollar bills in her panties. It's a class act. Watch: (And if it doesn't show, click here.)



Impressive, eh? Am I saying that they shouldn't be allowed to air that piece of s***? Of course not. I'm a big proponent of free speech. But there are some things that are just in poor taste and I think that is one of them. Were all of the thugs that she allegedly let out of prison black men? Or is that just how the ad wants to portray the black men? I don't get it. It's weird. Granted, I would like to know a little bit more about this program that she allegedly instituted by working with gang members and allegedly getting them out of jail. It seems to be something that, if she was involved in it, people should probably know about. But do they need to find out about it by portraying her as an agile cheeked stripper with thug customers. (I really wish that when people portray strippers that are getting a lot of money that they show them with more than a few ones strategically tucked into their outfits. You people can't throw a five spot in there?) It's in poor taste. I'm pretty sure it's at least a little racist. And if she hasn't actually ever been a stripper, I'm pretty sure that it's a little sexist as well. I'm actually at a loss as to what to say about this. It's just wrong, is what it is. Hopefully Turn Right USA will navigate itself into a dead end and this will be the last of this crap that we have to deal with from them.

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What Was That?

I realize that the next Presidential election isn't for about seventeen months, but that doesn't mean that people aren't already starting to declare that they're going to run against President Barry. That also doesn't mean that people aren't already starting to talk about people as if they are full-blown, nominated candidates. It's not even CLOSE to nomination time! And really, I'm still kind of recovering from the 2008 election. Seriously, when did that start getting coverage? 2006? Yeah, I knew I was exhausted for a reason.

I don't think that you need a fancy ad to announce that you're going to seek the nomination from your party. Just announce it, already. But wait. If you're going to just announce it already, have it make some freaking sense, would you? Take the ad from a one Jon Huntsman. If this thing makes any freaking sense to you, I'm ready to hear all about it because I am stumped. Seriously, watch this: (And if it doesn't load, click here and watch that.)

6 Days from Jon Huntsman Jr. on Vimeo.

See what I mean? What the hell was that?! "In 6 days." I got that part. "Did not become famous with his band 'Wizard'." Wait. What now? His band Wizard? He's 51 years old and he's still touting his high school band? That NO ONE has ever heard about or knows about? And what's with the motocross racer? Was he in the band, too? Why does the motocross racer who may or may not have been in a band 35 years ago have anything to do with announcing that you want to make a run for a nomination to run for President? I don't know what I just watched. I hope that Mr. Huntsman hones his communication skills "In 6 days". And he might want to ditch the motocross guy. And for the love of God, don't talk about your high school band when you're 51. (Also, if you're IN high school, don't name your band "Wizard". Wizards are cool, but naming your band after them is not.)

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It's NOT Offensive!

With so much asininity going on all over the place today, I decided to flip a coin. Then I flipped it again. Then I flipped it again. Then I flipped it yet again. Finally, I got bored flipping the coin and decided I needed to pick a topic. I went with one of my favorite occurrences, one I love to despise. I went with a company pulling an ad because A group complained about something that doesn't even exist to complain about.

The gutless, spineless, wussy-ass company in the spotlight this time is General Mills and the commercial for the product that shouldn't even be in question is for Yoplait yogurt. According to the Huffington Post, a group called NEDA (the National Eating Disorders Association) believes that the commercial "...could trigger dangerous behavior in those suffering from eating disorders." Wow. That's a pretty powerful commercial. Or not. Let's see what the commercial entails.

According to the article (well, and the commercial), what we have is a young woman who appears

to be of regular weight standing in front of an open refrigerator. In front of her is a massive raspberry cheese cake with a huge slice taken out of it. The woman does what a lot of people (not just women) do when they're looking at a delicious freaking dessert like raspberry cheesecake. She starts to figure out how she could eat some. She thinks first about how it would be all right because she had been "good" that day. (I'm assuming that is referring to her eating habits and not some sort of willfull disobedience of the law.) Then she ponders whether eating celery sticks along with the slice of cheesecake would balance it out. (I'm pretty sure that works.) Then she comes up with the idea of jogging in place while she eats a large slice. (I'm pretty sure that would work too.) Then she wants to jog in place AND eat the cheesecake AND eat the celery sticks. She's just full of ideas, that lady is.

That's when a co-worker or some other mystery woman comes up behind her and exclaims, "Oh! Raspberry cheesecake!" And she reaches into the refrigerator and grabs a container of Raspberry Cheesecake Yoplait yogurt (which is delicious, by the way). The would-be-jogging woman notices that the yogurt woman looks like she has lost weight. Cut to a picture of the product and then back to the woman who has decided upon the Yoplait yogurt for herself instead of the cheesecake and is sitting happily at a table eating her yogurt. The end. Do you feel like developing an eating disorder now? No? Huh. I guess that's because NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS!!

HOW on earth is that supposed to trigger something in people with eating disorders?! Well, if you ask the president of the very annoying NEDA, a one Lynn Grefe, she will tell you "[For those with eating disorders], opening a refrigerator is like walking off a bridge. And to see this behavior in a commercial tells people with eating disorders, see, it's even on TV. It's ok and normal for my head to go through all these mental exercises." Oh, for Christ's sake.

Soooo....God, I don't even know where to begin. I guess the obvious. Does that apply to any depiction of an opening refrigerator on TV? Because if it does, half of the TV shows out there and half of the commercials out there are going to need to be cancelled. And don't forget about the movies! My GOD, the movies! And if this applies to food, of course it must apply to other things. For example, people who are violent. If they see violence being depicted somewhere, they must automatically think that it's OK. Same with drug users. Same with people who are knocked up. All just fine because, by using the NEDA logic (which I can't not recommend enough) if it's "even on TV" then "it's normal for my head to go through all of these mental exercises." Oh, there's something mental going on here, that's for sure. But I'm not so sure that it's exercises.

Why does this have to be about eating disorders? Why can't this be about eating healthy and being a reasonable weight? Isn't that what

Michelle Obama has been trying to drill into the soft, soft heads of the American public? We need to make better food choices? How is that commercial anything other than a woman trying to make a good food choice? She isn't saying that she wants to eat the entire cheesecake and then vomit it up in the company bathroom five minutes later! She isn't saying that she has starved herself for the past two months, eating nothing but dust and Chiclets because she feels fat. No, she's trying to figure out how she can justify eating something that probably isn't the best choice all the time. How is this commercial about anything other than selling yogurt and trying to make responsible eating decisions? I don't get it.

According to various sources on the Innerwebs, it is estimated that approximately 8,000,000 people have some sort of eating disorder in the United States. With a population of approximately 307,000,000, that amounts to about two and a half percent. But if those two and a half percent complain, by God, you had better do something about it, right? Wrong! There isn't any INTENT in this instance! There isn't even any SUBSTANCE in this instance! The VP of Corporate Communications for General Mills, a one Tom Forsythe, responded "We had no idea...The thought had never occurred to anyone, and no one raised the point. We aren't sure that everyone saw the ad that way, but if anyone did, that was not our intent and is cause for concern. We thought it best to take it down."


You thought best to take it down WHY? Because you're spineless? Of course that thought never occurred to anyone. Why would it?! It's a non-issue. No one raised the point because there wasn't a point to be raised! And while he's right that everyone did NOT see the ad that way, he's totally wrong when he says that "We thought best to take it down." NO! That's not best. That's not best AT ALL! ALL a company needs to do in this situation is simply say, "We're sorry you're 'offended'. That wasn't our intent. We don't see the commercial as 'offensive'. We're not taking it off the air because there is nothing wrong with it." That's it. For a long time I have said that the first company to actually take this sort of a stance on an issue like this will see a windfall of profits. I guarantee you that if that article was about how Yoplait was NOT pulling their ad because a bunch of tight asses thought it would do...something....(I'm still not clear on their actual complaint)...I guarantee you that people would take notice and would buy that product. I don't even eat yogurt that often, but if Yoplait had kept the ad on the air, I would have made sure than whenever I did eat yogurt that it was Yoplait. The non-offensive video is below. But be warned! You could develop some sort of eating disorder by watching a woman open a refrigerator and try to decide what to eat. Lord only knows what other conditions you could come down with after watching it and I won't be held responsible. It's your doing, really.

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