The Fuzzy Pack Is Backy Back

As yesterday was Memorial Day over here in the United States, it's been an extremely slow news day. (But if you want to read a moving article and look at some pictures that will remind you of the ultimate sacrifice of a soldier, then please click here and read Larry Downing's article over at Reuters. It's riveting.) I've got nothing. Seriously. So here's a preview for a movie that I will definitely be going to see when it comes out somewhere around the end of November. I don't know why they feel the need to show us previews this far in advance. What's the point? I'll still want to see it if you just give me the trailer a few weeks before it opens. I swear. Six months ahead of schedule really does nothing for you.

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She Won't Win, Old Man

Well. Pretty much, I can't stress enough how glad I am that we did not elect Old Man McCain as President and instead went with now-President Barry. Who knew that McCain would turn out to be as delusional as I think he might have proven himself to be yesterday? (Don't get me wrong. I don't think that the guy is senile or anything like that. But I was never fully convinced about how in tact all of his critical thinking faculties really were. I have a much better idea now and the answer is "not entirely".)

It's pretty easy to see. Here's what went down": McCain was on something called "Fox News Sunday" yesterday and was asked if former almost-half-of-a-term governor of Alaska, the super hot Sarah Palin, could beat Barack Obama in a 2012 Presidential election. Let's not forget that Palin was McCain's running mate in 2008. Let's also not forget that they lost fairly handily. President Barry won with about 66% of the vote. I know that from all of the pre-election hooplah with how he was supposed to be our savior and all that you would have thought that it would have been around 96%. But still, 66% of the vote is a pretty good ass-whooping.

According to the Political Ticker blog over yonder at CNN, McCain responded "Of course she can. She can. Now, whether she will or not, whether she'll even run or not, I don't know...But she certainly is a major factor and I believe she can be very competitive." Wait. Those...those are just a bunch of words and I'm not sure that they make a lot of sense. Let's break that down a little bit and try to figure out what's going on there.

So he starts out stating "Of course she can. She can." Sooo...is he saying that it was HIM who was the problem in 2008? Because if I had to pick an office for Sarah Palin to be in, I sure as hell would rather have her as a Vice President than the freaking President. It's nothing personal, but she just doesn't have the knowledge that she would need to be President. You could have someone who is comatose for your Veep and it'd be all right. Look at Joe Biden. He looks barely conscious most of the time and I'm perfectly OK with that. If he was President though, I'd be moving to Canada, America's Hat.

So McCain has just stated that Sarah Palin can win against Barack Obama. Then, in the very next sentence, he says "...whether she will or not... I don't know." What does that even mean? He's not even a sentence removed from saying that she can win before he says that he doesn't know if she will win?! That's not flip-flopping. That's putting your opinion in a blender and watching it go 'round and 'round really fast and when it stops, it ends up resembling nothing like what you shoved in there in the first place. He JUST said he thought that she could win! I guess it's the little things that start to go first.

And what's all this about her being a "major factor"? A major factor in...what? Yeah, a lot of people like her. I get that. She's very likable. (Even if you don't personally like her, you can't argue that she's not likable. She is. You might not agree with some of the things that she says (like if she insists that it's Tuesday when it's really Friday), but she's likable.) But what is she a major factor of? An election? Her own candidacy? I don't know what that means. Could her endorsement of a Republican candidate help boost that individual to a victory over President Barry? I doubt it. If it could, then Old Man McCain would be President right now. If you can't boost the guy on your own ticket into office, good luck doing it with someone else.

Seriously, if McCain is this delusional, not just about Sarah Palin becoming President, but about Sarah Palin beating President Barry in the next election, then we really dodged a bullet with that guy. Again, I like John McCain. But it won't take many more statements like that one for him to go from being the aging Senator of Arizona to that doddering old man in the desert. I'm just saying.

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A Memorial Day Book Recommendation

In the United States, Monday is Memorial Day. And if you're looking for something to read that could mark the occasion, might I suggest "War" by Sebastian Junger. It's just come out in paperback and it's a pretty easy read. It's about the war in Afghanistan. And as the review over at The New York Times explains, "...he uses the platoon (the second of Battle Company, part of the 173rd Airborne Brigade) as a kind of laboratory to examine the human condition as it evolved under the extraordinary circumstances in which these soldiers fought and lived. And what a laboratory it is." What it does not do is "...attempt to explain the strategy behind the American war in Afghanistan, or the politics of Afghanistan, or even the people of the Korangal Valley". I really appreciated that because it's such a fustercluck over there that it's pointless to even try and explain anything at this point. The book is good. And reading something is a pretty good way to celebrate Memorial Day if you're asking me. We need to know what those soldiers go through and even though we can't know exactly, reading things like Sebastian Junger's "War" at least help us keep things in perspective. And that's always a good thing.

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She Won't Be The President

Sarah Palin's back. I don't know why, exactly, but I have the feeling that it has something to do with trying to run for President in an election that she will surely lose. And truthfully, I don't know how much of her I can take. Don't get me wrong; I think that I like her as a person. I think that she'd be a swell neighbor. But those people that are just so gung-ho about anything that she does need to be realistic. She's not qualified to be President. Do I think that she was qualified to be Vice President had Old Man McCain won? Let me put it to you this way: When was the last time you heard about Joe Biden doing anything? That's my point. She would have been fine as Vice President because the Vice President doesn't DO much. The President? He's got stuff to do.

She currently seems to be on some sort of a schizophrenic bus tour. She doesn't appear to really have a list of the states or the places that she is planning on visiting. She kind of just seems to be showing up at things as they happen. I guess that's one way to do it. And due to the lack of letting anyone in on where she plans on going, I find it hard to make a guess as to what she's really doing. I mean, I could guess that she's seeing how much support she might be able to drum up from the various places that she visits. But I would think that if someone was being genuine about something like that that they would go to places where they aren't sure if they are loved or not. It's one thing to do a book tour and know that everywhere that you go the people that are there want to see you. It's a completely different thing to just show up to someone's house at dinner time and see if you'll be invited in.

And while I can't judge what she's doing, I can assess the bus that she'll be traveling in to do this little jaunt. You know how rock stars always have those enormous tour buses? OK, now imagine Thomas Jefferson doing one of those tours. This seems like the kind of bus that he'd be riding around in. Behold!
Well, it's very patriotic. And gaudy. I guess it's a pretty good way to announce yourself, but only if people know that you're coming. Look, I really don't understand the point of any of this, so I'm going to keep making fun of her ridiculous bus. And here's a close-up picture of it to aid me in that goal:
That's a mighty fine lookin' Constitution you've got there. Can I just ask a question that I haven't heard anyone ask? And I'm sure that I'll sound incredibly un-patriotic, but I'm willing to risk it. When did the Constitution get so darned popular? How many of those folks who are Sarah Palin lovers (not literally, I hope) who go around spewing all the time about the Constitution and our rights have any idea as to what they are talking about? Is it even that important to mention when you're running for President? I suppose some aspects of it are. I don't know. How about more bus pictures? Behold! See, that's why I don't give to any sort of political person. That's quite the bus. Paid for by her PAC. She made about $20 million in the six months after she bailed out of being the governor of Alaska. I know that it's all fine and good that donations to a PAC can be used for something like this. I guess my issue is more with folks who donate to these things. You want to give you money away, you hit me up instead. It would probably be about as well used. Well, I just hope that she figures out that she isn't going to be President any time soon and disbands this little project. It's over 500 days until the Presidential election. I can't have all of those days being taken up with talk about Sarah Palin. I can't. Do you hear me? I can't.

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But It's The Truth

It was probably only a matter of time before we began to hear from the relatives of the chick that slept with Arnold Schwarzenegger and bore his illegitimate miniature bodybuilder offspring with a seemingly inherited giant head. Yesterday, we got to hear from the daughter of ex-Schwarzenegger maid Mildred Baena. That would be a one Jackie Roso. Let's see what drivel she spewed so that people could pretend that they're interested.

She apparently told "Entertainment Tonight" in regard to her mother that "She's like a superwoman, pretty much...She's always been there for us, for me and my brothers. And that's why me and my brothers will always be there for her, no matter what." Yeah, I'd say that she's a superwoman. Anyone who could keep the secret that they're sleeping with their boss (who happens to be the governor of California) WHILE still working in the family home is somewhat of a superwoman. Somewhat of a superwhore as well, but I'm OK with the superwoman moniker.

The best part though, was this: "It doesn't matter what any newspaper says... I know my mom, and her friends and her family, we all know her. The Mildred that they put out there...it's just like...gossip, rumors." Well, I don't know what exactly she's referring to, but pretty much all I've heard is not really as much gossip and rumors as it is the truth. And those "rumors" didn't so much come from the media as much as they actually came from Arnold himself when he admitted to being a lying and cheating scumbag and fathering your child. It's hard to imagine any reason for him to say those things unless they were true. So it's really not so much gossip and rumors as much as it is your mom is a homewrecker.

I'm not quite sure why this chick feels the need to say anything considering that her mom hasn't spoken up yet at all. She also, apparently, hasn't spoken to her mom since all of this came out. She might want to wait just a little bit longer next time she decides to speak out about things that are totally true. Just a thought.

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It's Dead And It's Funny

This one speaks for itself. It's a little girl whose dog has just killed a squirrel. Or, as she says it, a squeel. Yep. Cute kid playing with a dead rodent. Try not to crack up right around 1:30 when she starts making the dead creature's head bob up and down. Apparently, there are people out there (ie, on the Innerwebs) who are freaking out that this guy would let his daughter play with a dead animal. Hey, kids need to strengthen their immune systems. I'm not saying that they should always go about it by toting around furry animal carcasses, but a few germs are only going to help them in the long run. It wasn't foaming at the mouth or anything. She'll be fine. And if she isn't, then all of the people who were freaking out about it can say "I told you so", which really seems to be what they want, more than anything for some odd reason. Anyway, here's a cute little girl playing with a dead squirrel. Enjoy!

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Worst Defense Ever

The Casey Anthony trial has finally started. In case you're not familiar, Casey Anthony is a 25-year old scumbag (I'm being subjective here, but it's likely to turn out to be a factual subjectiveness) who claimed that her 2-year old daughter was abducted by a babysitter in 2008. Yet she didn't call the police. In fact, she never called the police. (There was also never a babysitter.) She admitted to her mother that her kid was gone and then her mother called the police about a month later. Then about a bazillion people spent about five months looking for the little girl, only to find her dead. Shocking, I know. Casey Anthony has been appropriately charged with multiple atrocities like capital murder, aggravated child abuse, aggravated manslaughter of a child and misleading law enforcement. Naturally, she does what scumbags of her type tend to do and has pleaded not guilty this entire time. The prosecution is seeking the death penalty. And fortunately, since this is all in Florida, they actually execute people down there. So if the jury can do its job effectively, this chick is going to get what is coming to her.

Opening statements roll around yesterday and her camp offered up a rather surprising and excruciatingly lame excuse for all of these shenanigans which resulted in one dead toddler. See, the defense said that the little girl drowned. And instead of calling 911, Casey just panicked. Oh, and they're also claiming that her dad was there and helped her dispose of the body. Wow. Way to go. Try and bring down your dad in the process. OK, then.

What kind of an excuse is that, anyway? I guess it's the excuse of someone who is extremely desperate. It's lame as hell, though. Are they aware that the standard is "reasonable doubt", with the key word being "reasonable"? Idiotic, mouth-breathing, paste eating doubt is not a standard. And that's what you would be upholding if you were to actually believe that load of crap. But I guess if you're a defense attorney and your client is so obviously guilty that you know that it's a lost cause, I guess you just say whatever you can .

That's probably the reason for her defense attorney saying, "We're not here to talk about how inappropriate Casey acted." Hmm. You know, you can say that, but in reality, it is exactly why you are there. All of the inappropriate murdering of your own child (allegedly) is exactly what you should be talking about. CBS News also reports that their case "...will have a lot to do with the meter reader who found Caylee Anthony's remains". Oh, good. I'm sure that he'll enjoy that. I'm sure that he'll enjoy being made out to be something other than just the guy that found the body of a toddler. As if that wasn't bad enough, now he gets to listen to some defense attorney make up stuff (allegedly) in order to try and save his seemingly obviously guilty client. Nice.

Apparently, the proceedings are being televised. I'll be tuning in every now and then to see how this goes. Especially when the defense has their turn. That should be entertaining. I'll definitely tune in for the verdict. Watching that chick find out that she's guilty and no one bought her unlikely tale of events will be very enjoyable for me. You go, Florida. This might be the one thing that I can count on you for.

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Why So Convincing?

You know, I would have thought that trying to get people to believe that the end of the world was coming would have been a more difficult task than it apparently was. I mean, I would have thought that it would take someone with Oprah-esque charisma to convince people of such a fairlky whack-a-doo idea. Apparently not. Apparently, all you need is some really, really old guy who is vaguely aware of his own consciousness to spew out his theories and you've got yourself the makings of a doomsday prediction that is actually taken seriously by a lot of people.

The oldster to which I refer is a one Harold Camping. He's been telling folks since 1994 that the world was going to end on May 21, 2011. He came to that particular date by using some made up mathematical formula to decipher things that he made up in the Bible. And his formula made no sense. It was something ridiculous like "Every 'thou sayeth' means fifteen" and "Always double down when talking about sin" or something equally hokey. But regardless of the unlikelihood that this guy was right, he convinced many, many people to send him money and to spread the word of the end (that never came). I figured that he must be pretty charismatic to accomplish something like that. Yeah, not so much.

Naturally, since the end of the world didn't come, he had some 'splainin' to do. His explanation to the non-Rapture and to the questions that were asked of him by reporters were less than stellar. I don't understand. He claims now that "...he was not incorrect his in math, just his interpretation about how May 21 would play out. He calls the day "an invisible Judgment." No, no! It wasn't invisible! It was non-existent! There's a different, you old coot! A HUGE difference! Why do people listen to this guy?! That makes NO sense!

Here's some more of his nonsense. One of the reporters asked him "...if he is saying that "we as humans are not capable of understanding the Bible?" Camping said yes. Then he went on to tell a Bible story about Saul. Which, I assume, that we as humans are not capable of understanding. And I'll be honest and admit that I'm not totally sure who Saul is. So that could make him kind of right on that point, but he shouldn't have told the story if that's factually the case.

Now, some of his followers gave away all of their worldly possessions in anticipation of this guy's Rapture. One guy spent his entire 401k on billboards that proclaimed the end of the world. So many other people donated a ton of money to this guy. Oh, but he doesn't plan on giving it back. No, because according to him, he didn't tell those people to do that. That was their decision. Uh-huh. And now that he's moved his date of doomsday to October 21, 2011, he was asked if he is going to give away everything that he owns on October 20. Let's see if you're surprised by this answer: "What would be the value of that?...If it's Judgment Day, it's the end of the world." Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Nothing that comes out of this guy's mouth makes any sense! And yet he has followers all over the place just throwing money at him and his Family Radio radio station. I don't get it. He appears to have the intellect of a turnip. What makes him so appealing to people? I don't get it. But I sure do wish that I could come up with some sort of a ruse like he did and not feel bad about it so that I could help all of those fools part with their money.

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I Don't Know What Not To Like

I'm not quite sure why I'm going to take this time to talk about Newt Gingrich because he will never be President. But it does seem like he might be positioning himself for a run at something, so I thought that I'd just get my dislike of him out of the way.

While I know that intellectually, a candidate's personal life shouldn't factor into whether or not the position that they're running for can be performed, I have a hard time getting to that point emotionally. Newt's a cheater. No one likes a cheater. And he didn't just cheat on one of his wives. He cheated on both of them. No one likes a serial cheater. Not even a little bit. Does his being a cheater impact how he would do his job if elected? Intellectually, I wouldn't think that it would. Emotionally? It seems like whatever he said would not be able to be trusted. Especially when he gives lame excuses for why he cheated.

Let's go over to New York Magazine for an explanation of his cheating. "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate." That's right. He was passionate about 'Merika, so that's why he cheated. Intellectually, should that matter? Considering that it's a dumbass excuse and is not very intellectual? Maybe it should!

Then there's the latest dust up that he's answering for. According to Politico, he had "...a “revolving charge account” at Tiffany and Company" with a liability somewhere in between $250,001 and $500,000. At freaking Tiffany's. Tiffany's, known equally for their breakfast as well as their jewelry, is about as uppity as you can get. Now, it could be that he has this account because he buys his wedding rings in bulk. But regardless, does anyone really need over $250 grand in jewelry? I don't think that they do! Should that disqualify someone from being a legitimate candidate for office? I want to say yes, but why does that feel wrong?!

He kind of made a good point on Sunday when he said that "...the spending was his "private decision." He does have a point. He can do whatever he wants with his money, no matter how idiotic I think it may be. (Or no matter how idiotic it just is. And come on! Who needs $250,000 in jewelry? No one! There are SO many other things that one could purchase with that kind of cash! So many BETTER things!) He also claims to be debt free. Should it make a difference if he is able to manage his money to where he incurs a debt and then pays it off? That's sort of the point of having good credit, isn't it? I'm so confused!

Let's review: I can't decide if people who are despicable individuals should be automatically discounted from running for or fulfilling a public office. Emotionally, I say screw 'em. Intellectually, I say it maybe shouldn't matter. Why is emotional me winning?! Why isn't intellectual me dominating this issue?! What is wrong with me? Am I missing something?

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You Can't Run And You Can't Hide

World didn't end. Gotta mow the lawn now. I guess that without the Rapture happening yesterday that this means that Harold Camping (the nutjob who was predicting all of the demise and luring an uncomfortably large number of softheads into believing him as well) is now the leader of a non-prophet organization? (Aside from not wanting to meet my demise just quite yet, the other reason I was hoping that it wasn't going to be the end of the world was mostly so I could use that joke today. It would have been such a waste if it had to go unsaid.)

While I'm relatively sure that it's a good thing that the world did not come to an end, there were certain people that I was looking forward to either never seeing again or knowing that they would meet a fiery and painful doom. The guy in the article below is one of those folks. You'll know which one I'm talking about when you read it. (Click to enlarge the photo if it's just too danged small.)

I'm not quite sure that he totally understood either the question that he was asked or the concept of the Rapture. He "...would run if it was serious." Um...it's the end of the world, sir. Where, exactly, would you be running to? Mars? I don't think that you can outrun Jesus. Or the end of the world, really. It's just really not possible. Sooooo...yeah. OK. I'm just going to leave it at that and see about buying more alligators for my moat that protects me from the thinking of people like Mr. Wilson. It seems like a pretty good investment, given his statement and all.

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Rapture Is Here

You know, when I first heard about the Rapture I thought it sounded pretty cool. But then I realized I was thinking about a raptor and that's a totally different thing all together. And when I realized what it actually was, I started thinking. How much effort am I really supposed to put into today's post anyway? I'm assuming that people will be spending their last hours doing something besides reading my rantings. But just in case, I've settled upon this (it can't hurt):

In the meantime, whilst you wait for your doom, enjoy this appropriately titled classic by Blondie.

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He Shouldn't Be Using Food Stamps

Contrary to my tone and demeanor around here, there are very few people and/or things that I actually hate. Sure, I despise things. Many, many things annoy the holy hell out of me. But I don't hate a lot of things or a lot of people. This Leroy Fick guy in Michigan, though? Yeah, I might hate him.

Here's the story: Leroy won $2 million dollars in a Michigan state lottery game called "Make Me Rich". Interestingly, the show is hosted by Peter Knight who played Peter on "The Brady Bunch". Good to know that he could find work. But back to Mr. Fick. You know. The guy I might hate? Yeah, him.

After Mr. Fick won his two million dollars, it appears that he was given the option of having it paid to him in installments (which usually are spread out over a ridiculous number of years, like 20) or taking the lump sum payment. He took the lump sum payment. Now, while you get a big pile of cash all at once, they do take out a boat load of taxes. It ends up being right around half. So, Mr. Fick still won about a million dollars. He's a millionaire. On food stamps. Wait a minute. He what?

That's right. He still uses food stamps. According to WNEM, there is some sort of idiotic loophole in the federal regulations that are used to determine who is eligible to receive food stamps. For reasons which I cannot even begin to fathom, the system does not take into account your liquid assets when you are applying for aid. Soooo...they don't ask you if you have any money to spend? Thus, if you have money, it doesn't matter because they don't ask you that? What in the hell are the requirements based on? With that low of a standard, I can't imagine that ANYONE would not qualify. Who's idea was THAT?!

He's not breaking any laws by doing what he's doing. He's just a jackass, that's all. A rich jackass who doesn't want to pay for his own food even though he is perfectly able to pay for his own food. And he apparently doesn't care, as he told the reporter guy, "Well, I think it's fair because of the way that they took the taxes." They're supposed to take out taxes, you moron! That's how the system works! Just because they take taxes out doesn't mean that you don't have to pay for your own food when you have the means to do so! He also thinks that using the food stamps instead of his own money is the "prudent" thing to do. Uh, listen here, sir. If you were so worried about being "prudent" with your money, you shouldn't have been spending the pittance that you did have every month on the freaking lottery! Playing the lottery is the absolute opposite of freaking prudent!


The reporter who spoke to this asshat continues to probe into what other services Mr. Fick receives a(s someone who has about a million dollars) and Mr. Fick tells him that he is also on disability. (I could say that he looks like he's fine, but I know that there are things that can be wrong with a person that you can't see. For example, this guy has the moral compass of a jackrabbit in heat. You can't just tell that simply by looking at the guy.) And from his point of view, he thinks that all of this is ethical.

The reporter asks him what he thinks that a single mother with two jobs and working eighty hours a week would think about him and all of his money collecting from social services that are offered.
"If you're going to sit there and try to make me feel bad, you aren't going to do it. It ain't gonna happen. So you might as well just ship on out. Goodbye." Do you hate him yet? Because I'm pretty sure that I do.

If this guy is able to totally take advantage of this system with as much money as he has, you know that there are others doing it. The country is going freaking broke and yet we have a system that allows for loopholes like this one. The guy drives a convertible Audi and is on freaking food stamps! We are so effing screwed and doomed. We're scroomed.

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Oh, No They Don't

I've gotta say that I'm kind of surprised at the restraint that almost all of the news and tabloid outlets have shown by not publishing a photo of Arnold's newly announced illegitimate child that he fathered with his maid at his house when he was cheating on his wife and the mother of his four legitimate children, the lovely Maria Shriver. If only some of the media could refrain from making idiotic comparisons and/or analogies, then we might very well be on our way toward some responsible reporting of an issue that really kind of doesn't matter. But no. Leave it to ABC to ruin the very, very short streak that we were on. I present to you THEIR way of framing the story. Behold! Utter crap!

Good Lord. Really? Who thought that was a good idea? Well, over at ABC, it would be the director of Yale University's Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, a one Dr. Alan E. Kazdin, as he is actually quoted using the phrase "This event is like a personal 9/11." I know that 9/11 was almost ten years ago, so I'm guessing that he WAS, in fact, around for the events that took place on that day. That's why I'm so perplexed as to why anyone would make such an idiotic statement. ( was about to say "And he's a doctor!" Then I realized that might actually shed some light on his thinking patterns as opposed to confusing me even more. He should step out of his ivory tower once in a while and see how the real world thinks of 9/11. Because while it's thought of in a lot of ways, one of those ways is not when your husband/father turns out to be a lying, cheating, seed-spreading scumbag. It sucks, but it doesn't 9/11 suck.

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The Sperminator

By now, I'm sure that you've been made aware of the extramarital dalliances of the ex-Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not only did he screw around on his wife, but he fathered a child with this other woman (who was a member of his household staff, otherwise known as a maid) about TEN YEARS ago. Holy cow. And he managed to make it through an election not once, but twice and not have this discovered? Amazing.

That's really the most amazing thing out of all of this. Well, and that Maria didn't just castrate him on the spot after she found out. She went out on a limb as she vouched for his character during the election in which he became the Governor of California. Little did she know that as she was telling everyone what a great guy he was and how well she knew him that he had an illegitimate child (with his maid) that would have been about three or four years old. Sure, he's a great guy.

See, it's one thing to cheat on your wife. It's a completely different thing to be spawning children with the hired help. And it's in a totally different league when you wife is humiliated in the public eye when all of this finally comes out. It still hasn't come out exactly why he told her, either. Considering that he was able to keep this under wraps for ten years, I can't imagine what happened at this point. He must have been paying off his mistress-maid quite well in order for her to have not even said a peep.

Cheating on your wife is just a scumbag thing to do. Not being a responsible and involved parent once you've fathered a child is an even more scumbag thing to do. Translation: Arnold is a scumbag. I hope Maria takes him for everything that he is worth and then some.

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That's Not Racism!

Oh, most of news media. How I despise you so. Please stop feeling the need to make things that are completely innocent into something that is falsely inflammatory. David Gregory, I'm talking to you.

Fox Nation gives us the low down of when Newt Gingrich was on Meet the Press on Sunday with Mr. Gregory. Gregory played a clip from a speech that Newt gave in Georgia on Friday. The gist of the whole thing was jobs. This is what Newt said: "You want to be a country that creates food stamps, in which case frankly Obama's is an enormous success. The most successful food stamp president in American history. Or do you want to be a country that creates paychecks?" OK. Seems like a bit of a slam, but I'm OK with it. I know what he's trying to say. (He can't blame it all on President Barry though, even though he's trying.)

You want to know what David Gregory thought he was trying to say? I don't know if you do. Let's find out. David Gregory actually had the nerve to say: "First of all, you gave a speech in Georgia with language a lot of people think could be coded racially-tinged language, calling the president, the first black president, a food stamp president." Oh, for cryin' out loud. WHAT?!

Racial?! Racially tinged language?! How do you figure, Dave?? Because it was in Georgia? Well, that doesn't make any sense. Because there are a lot of black people in Georgia? No, that doesn't make any sense either. Is it because David Gregory is trying to start some sort of racial controversy that does not, in any way, shape or form even exist? I don't know if that's the motivation behind it, but it's more logical than the other two possibilities that I mentioned.

I am appalled. That's one of the more ridiculous and inane things that anyone has ever implied racism to be. Do I have to keep reminding people that he's HALF WHITE?! He's the first half white president, NOT the first black president! And if you do want to go with his being partially black, why don't you call him the first half black president?! Oh, because that wouldn't have enough opportunities to imply racism now, would it? Morons. Knock it off, David. You know better than that. The video of this asininity is below. It should make you angry and annoyed. If it doesn't, you're doing it wrong.

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That Didn't "Just Happen"

I was going to post a video of some guy on the New York City subway vigorously licking his own shoes. Yes. Shoes. Yes. Licking. But I decided against that in favor of a completely different kind of crazy. Let's meet the woman who has had some plastic surgery to enhance her bosom. And by "some plastic surgery" I mean several operations. And by "bosom", I mean...well...I guess I mean her breasts. Oh, did I mention that her breasts are now a 164XXX? They are. Behold!

Good Lord. I didn't even know that you could go that big and I HAVE breasts! Meet Chelsea Charms. If you think that it sounds like a stripper name, of course it does! What do you think that this woman does for a living with those things?! Oh, wait. But she calls herself a "feature dancer". As in "A feature dance in layman's terms is a professional exotic dancer. You've still got agents and things like that." Honey, you can call the pole whatever you'd like. That's not going to change the fact that you're a stripper.
According to The Sun, this woman is 5'2" tall and each one of those suckers (pun probably not intended) weighs 26 pounds! That's fifty two pounds of JUST BREASTS! How she manages to stay upright and not topple over forward is beyond me. She has named these monstrosities Itsy and Bitsy, which I find odd because they're neither one of those things. Naturally, "...she loves the attention her massive chest brings her."

And believe me when I say that this woman has a ridiculous answer for damn near everything. Think her back hurts? She claims it doesn't. Why not? She says it's because "... because she did a series of back exercises to build up her muscles." Ummm...no she didn't. There aren't enough exercises in the world to build up muscles to constantly work all day long at holding up a couple of watermelons. I'm sure that her back constantly hurts...and well it should.

Here's the part that blows me away: She says "I didn't plan on going this big that just happened on its own." Wait. What in the world is she talking about? She HAD the surgery, yes? OK, then. It didn't just HAPPEN ON ITS OWN. I'm pretty sure that she didn't just wake up one day with beach balls growing out of her chest. It happened on it's own?! Please. Does she really expect people to believe that it just HAPPENED?! If 164XXX can "just happen", then I will not be sleeping well at night for quite some time.And I realize that people like big breasts. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Big breasts, provided that they're cared for, are simply lovely. But hers are not. Not at all. I don't get how that is supposed to be anything but a freak show. I'm willing to hear out other opinions, but I'm truly afraid that there are going to be people out there who do find this attractive. Truly afraid.

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Run For The Border

I went to Taco Bell yesterday. My companion, who has been starving herself for a date on Monday, finally caved into her famishment and was in dire need of a taco salad. Thus, we went. And as I'm sitting in the drive-thru, looking at their offerings and waiting for the minion with the microphone to take my order, I noticed that they have a special going. And their wording of that particular special bothered me. Behold! Do you see the problem? Yes, I realize that the one burrito looks like it has tater tots in it and that's a little concerning, but that's not my main concern. (Also, I'm pretty sure that the Cinnamon Twists are merely sugar coated pork rinds.) No, it's the name of the thing. $5 Buck Box. Doesn't that read "Five Dollar Buck Box"? Why isn't it simply 5 Buck Box? Never mind that if you have five of a buck that you now have bucks (plural). It makes no sense. It makes even less sense than food that is under a dollar. If I ate red meat (and if I could narrow down what those tater tot lookin' things actually were), I might have ordered that just on principle so that I could say, "I'd like one Five Dollar Buck Box, please." Who do I take this up with? Where's that little dog? Would he know?

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The Situation Room Meets Photoshop

Remember how about a week ago everyone was a-clamoring to see the photos of Osama bin Laden with his head all blown to smithereens? (Insert Osama bin Laden joke here: What happens when Navy SEALs find Osama bin Laden? It's a no brainer. End joke.) There were a few reasons thrown around as to why that wasn't going to happen. But do you know what it came down to? Us. You. Me. That's right. The Internets.

According to Politico, Defense Secretary Robert Gates told a bunch of Marines at Camp Lejune in North Carolina, "One of the things that I think concerns Secretary [of State Hillary] Clinton and I is the risk not only of the pictures themselves inflaming people who were bin Laden's adherents and radical extremists, but we were also worried about the potential for manipulation of those photos and doing things with those photos that would be pretty outrageous in terms of provoking a reaction that might in fact put our troops at greater risk in both Iraq and Afghanistan." You know what that means don't you? Photoshop.

The Internets are creative places. And Gates knows it. First-hand, it would seem, as he went on to say: "I have gotten from friends all over the country copies of the picture that was this iconic picture taken in the Situation Room while we were watching the operation. And they have been photoshopped in every way you can imagine, including putting you know, coming after the royal wedding, one of these had all of us in one of these big, wide-brimmed hats from the wedding." Huh. I wonder what ever he could be referring to?

No, I don't. I knew. I knew all along. He also went on to say: "Another had various football players seated at the table that had been photoshopped in." I know what that's in reference to also. Behold!

At least, I think that's the one that he's referring to. They're not really seated at the table, per se, but there are football players there, so I'm going to green light that one. If those are the only ones that he's seen, however, he's really missing out. I call this one "SNAFU". Behold!Then there's the Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino Room:Then there's "Everybody Get In The Situation Room":

And my personal favorite, The Hall of Justice:I really enjoy seeing Hillary as Wonder Woman. I don'tknow why they made Joe Biden The Flash. He looked so complacent in the original photo. It seemed like he was thinking about trains and not much more. I think the point here is that if Bob Gates was afraid that the Internets would Photoshop the hell out of the bin Laden death photos, he's probably got a pretty good point. And I'm OK with not seeing them. Dead is dead. I'm good with that. Photoshop on!

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