Perhaps A More Timely Messenger Next Time?

All right, I'm done. I have had enough of this enamorment that the White House seems to have with celebrities. I've also had enough of President Barry acting like a rock star as he climbs higher and higher up atop his homemade pedestal so that all of his loyal subjects may worship him appropriately. Or inappropriately. Whatever it is, I'm freaking sick of it. Oh, and I'm sick of G-D Ashton Kutcher, too.

Look, I'll give Ashton this much: He does seem to have somewhat of a following with those in the 25 and younger crowd. I think. And while being able to reach a specific audience of people is commendable and definitely desirable, is there a reason why President Barry feels that it should be Ashton Kutcher? Because while I like the idea of an individual being able to engage the masses, I'd prefer it if I actually had just the slightest notion that the person in that position actually knew what in the hell they were talking about and could present such viewpoints in a clear fashion.

Actually, in the case of Ashton Kutcher, I'd like it if he could present his viewpoint at all. I have NO idea if he knows his ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to some of the country's more pressing issues. But yet he just continues to amass a bunch of sheeplike followers who will, in turn, continue to spread whatever message it is that he wants them to in a similar sanctimonious manner. Sure, that sounds like a great idea. Just blindly follow someone because they're "famous" and you won't go wrong! Good message to send. Yeah, that should help.

Tonight as I was perusing the Internet (that's right, for porn) I saw this headline over there at Politico.com: "New White House Messenger? Ashton Kutcher" Now, because of the question mark after 'Messenger', I initially thought that it was going to be about Ashton lobbying for himself for something, anything to do with President Barry and his staff of obedient minions. Turns out that the question mark should have been after "Kutcher" as that's how you end up saying the whole sentence after you've read that the White House tapped Ashton Kutcher to (wait for it) "...help get the word out about National HIV Testing Day." ::: blink ::: ::: blink ::: What now?

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. They wanted him to help get the word out....by using Twitter.

Wait. Twitter? Twitter?

Oh, my GOD!! We are freaking doomed!! WHAT?!?!!?

Correct. According to those Politico folks, on Sunday, June 28, Ashton tweeted: "I've been asked by the white house to twet this" and then he a link to a White House blog post which had a video mentioning the 14th commemoration of National HIV Testing Day. The Politico guys seemed to have the same thought that I had which was WTF? Seemingly aware of how much Ashton digs his own act, they checked to see if the White House had really stooped to a level that is unprecedented, if my recent memory of how Presidential administrations "get the word out". Turns out, sadly, they did.

Their answer was given by a one Reid Cherlin who is the White House assistant press secretary. He said, "As technology impacts how and where people are communicating online, we are constantly looking for new ways to engage with the public. Our efforts to promote National HIV Testing Day included participation from popular users of Twitter, as well as broad social media engagement by agencies across the government.” It's over. We're putting messages to be delivered via mass communication methods in the hands of Kelso.

Might I make the suggestion that if you're interested in ways to "engage with the public" you might want to try using someone other than a celebretard to do so. You're not so much "engaging" the public as you are trying to render them starstruck.

But wait! There's more! How effective is this strategy going to be? Hard to say. But I'll tell you this much: I think his "message" might have held a little more weight with those who are over 25 (and even with those who think that Ashton is a moron, and there's no age limit for that!) if he hadn't whored himself out as the White House messenger boy. Did he HAVE to mention that our Presidential Administration is so pathetic that they're calling him up and asking him to Twitter? A bunch of Twitiots are running the show. Great!

But you know what else? You know what I would have appreciated even more than that? I would have really, REALLY liked it if he had sent the tweet BEFORE National HIV Testing Day was OVER! Wait. What now?

Correct. National HIV Testing Day was June 27, 2009. According to Politico, he sent the tweet on Sunday which was the 28th. So.....I'm still trying to figure out the purpose of all of this. You're sending Ashton Kutcher as the messenger, but he's a day late. Is he playing the part of the village idiot as well? Seems to me it was more about show than about any sort of real investment in the promotion. Oooh!! But it was a 'celebrity' who brought the message twenty four hours late, so it's OK! He's famous! He was in the movie "Dude, Where's My Car?" I'm so glad that the White House has his cell number! Otherwise, how else would we the public have known that we totally MISSED National HIV Testing Day?!

If I never see or hear about Ashton Kutcher on my Internets ever again, it will be too soon. And if I ever see or hear about Ashton Kutcher "tweeting for Obama", I'm movin' to Canada, America's Hat.

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An Infomercial Disguised As A Statement

I tried to watch the BET Awards last night because I was curious as to the 'tributes' that would be given to Michael Jackson. I can only give my opinion on the parts that I saw and since those were so horrible, I maybe watched a grand total of ten minutes, if that. Perhaps BET stands for Better Enlarge Teleprompter because it didn't seem like very many folks could follow along at all. It was either that or they were all drunk. And it was kind of pathetic. I mean, if you're going to give a tribute to someone whom y'all claim was all of y'all "inspiration" for your particular style of craft, you could at least try a little harder for it to come off as being genuine. (You know, I can't recall a single one of you EVER mentioning Michael Jackson was your "inspiration" EVER when he was alive. Maybe one of two of you did (maybe Justin Timberlake has mentioned Michael before last night. Maybe.), but it certainly wasn't everyone in that room who ever dared proclaim publicly that Michael Jackson "inspired" them. Ugh.) BET really stands for Black Entertainment Television. Entertainment. Shouldn't they be good at entertaining? They weren't. They sucked.

It's possible I'm being too hard on the show overall. I was a little cranky after seeing an interview with Joseph Jackson, Michael's father, which was conducted by Don Lemon from CNN on the red carpet or whatever color carpet they have outside the Shrine Auditorium. Let's just say that he didn't exactly strike me as the grieving father. (And you have to remember that this is the guy who MIchael said physically abused him when he was growing up. Not only did Michael say it, Joe himself admitted it! Though he claimed that he didn't "beat" Michael because when you "beat" someone, you do it with a stick and Joe never used a stick. He just whipped him with a switch and/or a belt. Seriously.)

When Don Lemon starts the interview, he asks him how he's doing and how the family's doing. Joseph Jackson responds with a very chipper, "I'm great! My family is doing pretty good." Don didn't really know what to make of that and probably hoped he'd elaborate so he said, "Yeah?" And Joe responded with an assertive, "Yes they are!" So there!

Let's just contrast that remark with those of Janet Jackson who spoke near the end of the BET Awards and could barely refrain from bursting into tears when she said: "My entire family wanted to be here tonight. It was just too painful, so they elected me to speak. To you, Michael is an icon. To us, Michael is family. And he will forever live in all of our hearts. We miss him so much."

Let me just say that Janet Jackson is absolutely the sane one in that whole clan. She seems like she has her head screwed on pretty straight. The look on her face after she was led out to speak was one of someone who was annoyed. She looked like she couldn't believe that she had to stand up there and say something. Before she even said anything and everyone was continuing to clap and cheer (for her dead brother), she glared. She was not a fan. And do you blame her? It's only been three days! When everyone was clapping, the look on her face just said, "My God, would you people stop already so I can get the hell out of here?" And her words seemed carefully chosen and subtlely direct. She seemed to be reminding people that this is her brother who has just died and not just some superficial 'inspiration'. It was a classy thing what she did there. Three days, that's pretty soon. It makes me wonder how her speaking up there came about.

(And to the person who yelled out something as she paused (probably to compose herself), you're an ass.)

By "us" she must mean "everyone but Joe" because he spoke of his son as that icon. Don went for the follow up question, something along the lines of "We know it's been really tough for you guys" and Joe (who was wearing sunglasses that reminded me of the ones that Doc wore in "Back to the Future") said in a snotty voice, "And?" As if there was going to be something after that! It took him a couple of seconds to figure out that was the question and so he said, "Remember, we just lost the biggest star in the world, the biggest superstar in the world. So it's tough." You know, I hear that and I think "What a prick." He shouldn't be a freaking 'superstar' to you, sir. He should be your G-D son!

Don asked him why he showed up to the BET Awards. "Was it to pay tribute to your son?" I'm not kidding you when Joe said, "Yeah! To pay tribute to my son! Michael!" I fully expected him to throw in a "Yeah! That's it! That's the ticket!" But instead he just went with the pathetic, "Yes. We did. I did." Translation: Dude, I'm on TV! I'M the star now! It's all about me! Now I get to be the famous one!

Next question: "Is there anything you'd like to share with the world about your son and about his legacy?"

Next pathetic answer: "Yeah, I wanna, gotta statement here...." And then he pulls some chick out of nowhere who starts reading this prepared statement. The gist of the statement was to let everyone know that Joe Jackson was large and in charge and that everything would go through him. He also let everyone know the name of his attorney (L. Londell McMillan). He mentioned how he and his wife, Katherine, would be taking care of Michael's children. But basically, it sounded like he was letting folks know that Michael was gone and that's that. It was disgusting to say the least.

Up until after the statement was read, it was just Joe and Don. When Don started to ask, "We've been hearing from the Reverend Sharpton, the Reverend Jackson, that you had some concerns..." the attorney, Mr. McMillan, was walking by, hear the names of the two media whores, whipped his head in the direction from whence they came and jumped up right next to Joe for the remainder of the question. It was hilarious! Anytime you hear your client being interviewed and you hear the names Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton, you'd better make sure that you're right there to see how the rest of that question goes!

Don talks to the attorney for about a minute, getting no definitive answers from him (what a shocker). Then turns the questioning back to Joe and asks about funeral arrangements. Joe responds with a rather matter-of-fact "We haven't gotten to that yet. We're working on that." Haven't gotten to that yet? Perhaps you could have made a little time in place of the BET Awards ceremony, sir?

Next thing you know, a pimp shows up! Behold!

Well, he's pimp-ish. Looking. I saw him and I thought, "Why is there a pimp there?" And this is the part of the interview where I became inconsolably cranky for the remainder of the Joe Jackson Show. Don asked him about his wife and his daughters and how they were doing. Clearly, Joe wasn't in the mood to discuss trivial matters such as the well being of other family members. No, he had something else on his mind that he wanted to discuss. So he brushed off that question with a very flippant, "They're fine. They're all doing fine." And then, he drops this:

"I want to make this statement. This is a real good statement here. (Places hand on the shoulder of pimp hat guy.) Marshall and I (I'm assuming that's the pimp's name. Marshall. He might have said something else, though. Joe Jackson always sounds like he's talking with his mouth full of gravy from that train he's been on) have been...we owned a record company called.....(silence from Marshall) ....tell him!" At this point, it sounds to me like Marshall says "Ranch Records" and then it sounds like Marshall says, "OK? It's truly about Blu-Ray. Technology. And that's his next step." :::: blink :::: :::: blink :::: Um, WTF?

That's the statement that you wanted to make? Your son has just died, perhaps due to an overuse of painkillers, and you have a pimp by your side, plugging Blu-ray technology during your interview with CNN? Huh. Have you ever wondered what human scum looks like? Wonder no more and look no further! Joe Jackson is it.

Don's final question, after Joe got done rambling about his 60th wedding anniversary celebration in Las Vegas (where he ended his rambling proclaiming how great their first wedding anniversary celebration in Las Vegas was! He also had to stop himself from saying that there were a lot of people there that he didn't know, which I found amusing. Of course you don't know them, you A-hole. They were there with people who had to be there and sure as hell didn't want to go to anything involving you by themselves. Maybe if you weren't such an A-hole you'd know more people.), was "What's next for you guys?"

Now, I know what that question means. You know what that question means. But I don't think Joe knew what that question meant. That's because he answered it as if he was Steve Jobs on the day the iPhone was first released to mobs of frenzied phone buyers. As if he had just created some amazing product that the whole world was in love with and the reporter wanted to get the inside scoop on what consumers could look for in the future. That's the frame of mind it seemed like Joe was answering from when, after a long pause, he said, "We've got a lot we're fixin' to happen, but I can't really announce it right now, OK?" Then he pats Don on the shoulder and gives a quick smirk. Don wraps by managed to not slap him upside the head and instead somehow snaps out of his disbelief long enough to tell him thanks.

Many accolades to Don Lemon for not strangling the guy right there at the BET Awards and on camera, mid-interview. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have been able to keep my composure as well as he did. Yeah, I think I'd have to knee him in the groin. So, pretty much the stories that had been floated around over the years about Joe Jackson being a cold hearted, son of a bitch who just rode the gravy train his children were running over the years would seem to be backed up by that little performance on CNN. What a jackass. At best, this guy sounded completely indifferent over the death of his son. He also seemed a little annoyed that he even had to field any questions that were not about himself. But the sickest part of it all is that he seemed like he was controlling all of his joy that Michael Jackson was, once again, huge.

Perhaps the doc that was allegedly prescribing all of the painkillers, Demerol, etc. for Michael could do the same for his Dad. If it has the same effect on Joe as it appears to have had on Michael, well then, so be it. And while I don't ever wish ALL ill will on someone, the thought that Joe Jackson could possibly profit from this makes me need to end this post so that I may go vomit.

The Don Lemon interview with Joe Jackson on CNN is below. The plug for the Blu-ray project between him and the pimp is right around the 3:17 mark. You know, just in case you're interested in their new venture that he announced to the world in a 'statement' after being asked how the women in his family were doing. Yeah, that's it.

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Gravy Train du Jour

So this is the third Michael Jackson post in just as many days. But look, I received more hits just from yesterday than I did from all last week. When I mentioned to a friend of mine that the blog was 'on fire' and she put it together that it was because of the current domination of Michael Jackson in the media. That's when she called me a whore. And be that as it may (I'm not very proud), I looked at this gravy train with biscuits for wheels and I'm riding it for a little while longer. And while I'm not apologizing, I will ask you (sort of in my defense), where else are you going to find angles like the ones that I pull out of thin air? Ah-HA! So there. Or something.

Clearly, since Thursday, Internet traffic has detoured itself largely toward one topic - the newly deceased Michael Jackson. In the second hour after his death was announced, I checked the semi-useful, often frustrating Google Trends to see how big this was going to be. Out of the Top 100 Trends, there were only five that were not Michael Jackson related. So which five topics were big enough to break through the Michael Jackson Death Trend Domination?

• Suzanne Saperstein (I didn't know who she was either. Apparently, she was married to some billionaire whom she divorced in 2006 and is now selling the house that she had built to be almost an exact replica of Château de Versailles. By the way, that sort of thing? Yeah, that's a sign you have too much money.)
  
  
• Farrah (also searched for as fara fossett and phara faucet. If you're one of those folks who is spelling her name like that, what in the hell are you even searching on her for? There's only ONE way to spell FARRAH FAWCETT and if you know who she is, you know how to spell it! What is wrong with people?)


• Vince Carter (Nets player. Was traded to the Magic on Thursday. There will always be sports.)
  
• Maria Belen Chapur photo (She is the Argentinian chiquita whom S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford is having an affair with. He disappeared last week and allegedly didn't tell any of his staff where he was going when he jetted off to see her. That prompted some to label him with the awesome nickname of Fled Sanford.


• Jeff Goldblum (This was before the "Harrison Ford is also dead" rumor had begun.)

Hey, wait a minute. What was with that whole "Jeff Goldblum/Harrison Ford/Joe Pesci is dead" rumor that folks tried to start in what has to be the most feeble and pathetic attempt at derailing publicity from something. Seriously, was that the best you could do? Jeff Goldblum? I mean, no offense to Jeff or anything, but it was Michael Jackson who died. I don't think that people are going to stop Googling Jacko and shriek "Oh, my God! Jeff Goldblum! Michael who?" Ain't happenin'.

What would it have take to get the Jacko story bumped off of the front page of every newspaper, the cover story of every magazine, the lead story of every newscast? Aside from having the President assassinated, unless Michelle was found on the grassy knoll, I don't even know if that would have done it. MAYBE if President Barry was mauled to death in the Rose Garden by Bo. That might be over the top enough. Jeff Goldblum dying isn't anywhere NEAR the top. (And people thought that Jacko was out of touch with reality. Sheesh.)

The graph of Michael Jackson searches over the 30 days before his death looks virtually the same for every region that is available on Google Trends. There's a long flat line for 29 days and then on the 30th day, ZOOM! Straight up! That was Thursday, of course. I'm writing this about 64 hours after Jackson went to the top of the charts for probably the last time. (When it's the top of the Google Trends chart, it's likely not going to be good for anyone in that position.) How long does it take to relinquish those 95 spots? Less than 64 hours, apparently. At midnight, Sunday, Michael Jackson related searches on Google Trends were the exact opposite of what they had been on Thursday. Five Trends related to Michael and ninety five Trends about something else. (Most often it's something that people have seen on a TV show that they are SO endlessly fascinated with that they start Googling that interest en masse. It's odd.) And I'm probably stretching it a bit on two of them.

Coming in at...

• 23 is michael jackson death photos
  
• 43 is michael jackson autopsy results
  
• 47 is dr. deepak chopra
  
• 69 is michael jackson children pictures
  
• 100 is jesse jackson (That's Jesse "Inject-Myself-Into-Every-Media-Story-Involving-A-Black-Person" Jackson, not some long lost brother of Michael's that we'd never heard about until now. But it wouldn't surprise me if he was. A death like this and they start crawling out of the woodwork.)

In those first few hours after the news broke (and we were subjected to non-stop commentary from people who probably weren't even qualified to offer commentary on their own lives) I hopped on eBay to see what was going to happen there. From what I could tell, the official time of death was 2:26pm and the next Michael Jackson item listed on eBay was done so at 2:54pm. 28 minutes later. So, what took y'all so long? Wow. And at the time, there were somewhere around 1,407 Michael Jackson items for sale. There are now 47,873. No s**t. One guy was selling car window decals for $2.99 each. All they said was simply "God Bless Michael Jackson". He sold over 100 of them in an hour. Then again, he was the only one who was selling something like that. There are currently 250 listings for Michael Jackson decals, so business dried up a little bit for that guy.

But if you want to see some of the stupidest people on the planet at their prime, look through the things that are being offered for sale on eBay during "this troubled time" without Jacko. First of all, at least 300 auctions are for domain names. And most of them are really stupid sounding and most of them the folks want around half a mil for. Oh yeah, and most of these people have never sold ANYTHING on eBay before. And if someone has that kind of money that they want to spend on something that stupid, it kind of makes me wonder how they came to have that much money in the first place.

But then come the auctions that are one of two things and often a combination of both. They're either fraudulent/misrepresented/over-hyped items and/or they're ridiculously priced. If you're in the market to blow about two hundred grand on something and you'd like it to be something authentic, let me give you a few tips.

First tip: DON'T (I could stop here and feel pretty good about things, but I'll continue.)

Second tip: If it seems like something that everyone else has, even though the seller is insisting that it's "original" (you know, like the Thriller album. Come on! How many people have THAT?!?!), DON'T.

Third tip: If things are misspelled in a grotesque fashion, DON'T. (An example of 'grotesque fashion' would be: "This is the original 1982 copy of Michael Jackson's Thriller in almost new condition. We will pay for insured shipping to you. I only played it once to get Eddy Van Hallen with Michael Jackson on Beat It. Great for collecting. I got it to listen to Eddy Van Hallen play with Michael Jackson on Beat It. It has sat on a self since then. It even has the inside paper sleeve with lyrics. We will pay for insurance and shipping."

That bozo would like $100,000 for the album that everyone else already has. Or do we? Wait a minute! Eddy Van Hallen didn't play on MY copy of Thriller! Should I bid???? Ewww. Wait. I just read there that it had "sat on a self since then". Whose SELF? Ick.

Among some of the stranger Michael Jackson branded items for sale on eBay:

The Michael Jackson Fishing Lure. "While this lure was designed to be a GREAT GIFT it actually catches fish. It is effective on Bass, Pike, Musky/Muskie, Trout, Salmon, Stripers, Walleye, and many others. It may be especially effective on KING Salmon." (Uh-huh. You prove to me first that thing isn't going to scare all of the fish off and then we'll talk.)

The Michael Jackson Cross Stitch Kit. The Michael Jackson Dog Tag (that you can wear with your Admiral's jacket)
And what eBay auction list would be complete without the inclusion of the image of Michael Jackson on a piece of cake. Behold!

I'm pretty sure that the folks with some of these auctions on eBay are also the same folks who are kind enough to inform me that I've won the lottery in Nigeria AND they're willing to help me collect my winnings! So they MUST be good folks, right? Especially this one. This guy has outdone himself. His auction items include several things found outside of the home Jackson was renting in Hombly Hills:

A hamburger found outside the gates

A White glove found outside the gates

A bubble maker found in the bushes.

A penny found on the street.

What a maroon.

And since I'm still doing a Michael Jackson post because it's how people are finding this blog, I should mention some of the keywords that have been used for searching for particular information about Michael Jackson and all of the dying.

Why were Liza Minnelli and Usher together? (Ah-HA! I knew I wasn't the only one thinking, "WTH?"

Liza Minnelli high on Larry King Michael Jackson (Hasn't she been high since the 80s?)

List of words Michael Jackson made up (Um...Sha-moe?)

Inspiring words of Michael Jackson

say say say video michael jackson awful (And again I say Ah-HA!! I knew it was terrible

jacko means jocko chimp (What? You found this blog with that search? Wow. I love those Google boys.)

the words to sing i will be there by michael jacson (Huh. You wouldn't be able to figure out that there was a 'k' missing somewhere, eh?)

did michael jackson sing to his parrot (Why wouldn't he have? Because it would have been too strange? I don't think that's it.)

why doesn't michael jackson like speaking to adults (Do YOU like speaking to adults? I rest my case.)

what happened with michael jackson and the kid from home alone (Um, he was found 'not guilty'.)

how did he lose the neverland (Maybe it had something to with The Iraq and such as.)

And I shall wrap up this edition of the Michael Jackson Gravy Train Post Du Jour with some photos of Jacko's children because that's the other thing that folks are really flocking to when they stop by. The folks want to see pics of the kids. There's the youngest, little Blanket, and then the two older children, Pillowcase Prince Michael Jr and Dust Ruffle Paris Michael Katherine. Behold!

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Michael Jackson - Still Dead

Well, so far there's been an awful lot of speculation as to what actually led to the death of Michael Jackson. And when I say 'speculation' I mean 'it was likely the prescription painkillers that he was taking for years that finally did him in, a la Elvis.'And all of that is pure extrapolation on my part, of course. (But I find it strange that a rumor such as "Jackson received an injection of Demerol before he stopped breathing" to be something that would be fabricated. That would be the thing that I would think you would want to steer clear of if it weren't true.)

Autopsy results came back today and of course they didn't show anything definitive so subsequent toxicology reports were ordered and we should have those results right about, oh, say...yeah, in about four to six weeks. Dear God.

Four to six WEEKS?! What in the hell is going to take so long?! Can't they put a rush on it or something? I'm not usually in favor of people using their social status or whatever their degree of fame may be (pop superstar, Skippy Peanut Butter commercial star, whatever) in order to get special privileges, but what say we just do it this one time in the instance of Michael Jackson's toxicology reports so that we don't have to be subjected to FOUR TO SIX WEEKS of endless blather on cable TV from the clueless (but hot) news chicks. It would definitely test our strength as a nation, that's for sure. (Seriously. I watched Larry King for the second night in a row. Tonight his guests were Miko Brando, Liza Minnelli and Usher (together in Europe for the first (and hopefully last) time!), Deepak Chopra and Mark Geragos. Talk about your celebrity salad!)

The general theme of the evening (other than that Larry King always seems like he isn't listening to any of the answers to the softball questions that he lobs at guests) attempted to center around whether or not Michael Jackson had an issue with painkillers. And by "an issue" I mean "was pretty much high 24/7 since his hair caught on fire in that Pepsi commercial fiasco back in 1984". Wait. What now? 1984? That was 25 YEARS ago? Huh. I would have thought I would have gotten more during that time. 25 years seems like plenty. What have I been doing anyway? Oh, sorry. I digress. Michael Jackson's dead!

Liza Minnelli started out by saying that when the toxicology reports come back that "all hell will break loose". Meaning that she has known that he's been a walking pharmaceutical time bomb for years. (I'll go on record right now and surmise that those reports will show that there were no less than four different drugs that had been coursing through his veins right up until the unfortunate incident known as his death.) But by the end of the show she was practically berating Larry for talking about it at all. Usher uttered a similar sentiment, saying something to the effect of "It's unfortunate that on the eve of his death we're here talking about addictions." Why, yes! YES you are! Why do you think that is, Usher? Could it possibly be that (shakes Magic 8 Ball) "All signs point to YES" that his addiction to prescription drugs killed him? (Man, if everyone enabled him the way that comment from Usher enabled/justified/ignored a main aspect of this story, then it's no wonder that he was able to keep himself nice and high for 25 years.)

And I didn't expect TONS of new information to come out yesterday. It hadn't even been 48 hours. But I was kind of hoping that some of my general questions about his life could be answered through the various news outlets talking with...well...with anyone who had the ability to speak. They didn't seem to be all that discriminate about their interview subjects. But none of them told me stuff I kind of wanted to know. Things like:

What branch of the military did he actually serve in? Clearly from the uniforms he always wore, he was some sort of a really sparkly Admiral or something, but it's hard to tell. Upon further reflection of this topic, I'd also like to know if some of those jackets were borrowed from Captain Crunch. They seem to have a similar style to them.

And what is up with that Say Say Say video he did with Paul McCartney? I would really love it if some historian could explain why it was that when music videos were first being made it didn't matter what the video was about and artists could make up any little three or four minute skit about anything and act that out to their song and voila! They made absolutely no sense at all. You know how if you're watching a movie on TV at home and when the credits roll at the end they cut to a half screen and lower the volume of that credit music and start showing a commercial for something else? You can still hear the credit music and you're not paying attention to the credits (because who does when they're at home) and you're watching the commercial instead? That music doesn't match that Tide commercial! It's the same with 80s music videos. Only without the Tide. Usually.

When I saw that video yesterday, I found it odd that in a couple of the 'scenes' it appeared as if Michael Jackson was sort of trying out his Thriller look. He looks SO out of place and you wonder if someone spliced the film and just grabbed the wrong strand there or what. But it's very Thriller-esque. And SO odd.

What'd I tell you? Verrrrrrrrrrry similar.

As far as the theme for that particular video goes, I guess Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson were these two snake oil salesmen turned miscreant vaudevillian performers who ended up on the run and trying to escape from...people? WTH? Who was it they were running from again? Oh, that's right! Probably all of the creditors and one legged ex-wives right? I thought so! It's very strange.

And I'd really like to know what it is about what would seem to have been his fondness for much older "servants" and "artificial companionship". He had several full-sized, wax statues of people throughout his Neverland mansion. Some are very real looking and not creepy at all. Others would be the opposite of "not creepy at all." You decide. Behold!

See what I mean? Is that Agatha Christie? She looks very pleasant and all, but why is she there? I'm assuming just so he could feel like there were people around him. And really, if you're Michael Jackson, people made out of wax could end up being the best friends you could ever have or even worse, ever hope for. And why is his chauffeur giving him his glitter glove on a tray? Does he need the glitter glove to sit in the back of his limo? How come it's on one of those trays that they serve food on in cartoons? It's not a sparkly snack is it?

You can click on the photo below and it should make it larger. She seems like a kindly old white woman servant with a lovely tatted lace hair/hat piece there. I don't know why the auction folks put her next to a grand piano. Maybe she was there to dust the keys.

And I also really appreciate his sense of humor with this lady/fellow below. It kind of reminds me of the crazy aunt that snuck out of the attic to steal teabags from the kitchen.

But the question that I really want to know the answer to is Who the heck is Greg?

It seems that over there at Julien's Auctions they're having a little auction consisting of 928 celebrity items, less than twenty of which were Michael Jackson's. Item Number 324 is described as "MICHAEL JACKSON HANDWRITTEN LETTER", the description of which reads "A single sheet of paper from the Pan Am in-flight duty free shop with a note written with black ink in the hand of Michael Jackson on verso, reading in full [sic]:

'Greg thanks for a magic moment in my life, I hope it was the same for you, please come to visit me at Neverland. Lets hope this is the beginning of a long friendship and never lose your boyish spirit its imortal. Love always M. Jackson.'

8 1/2 by 11 inches PROVENANCE The Collection of David Gest.

Behold!

Seriously. Greg who? Louganis? Brady? That's all I've got. Actually, on second thought, maybe I don't want to know. That whole "magic moment" sentiment there kind of oog-ed me out, you know what I mean? Perhaps it's better if I just forget about it and not wonder who Magic Moment Greg is. Perhaps somethings are better left unsaid or unknown? Sure. That's it.

Who am I kidding? WHO THE HECK IS GREG??

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