People On Drugs Need Sleep Too

I started this year off with a post about some dumbass who fell asleep with a meth lab in his car. Thus, I find it fitting that I end the year with a post about some dumbass who fell asleep with a meth lab in his car. Actually, this guy fell asleep with his meth lab in a cab. But really, for the sake of the argument, isn't that pretty much the same? I'm thinking that it is.

Here's the scoop: According to the Chicago Sun-Times, what we have is a one 25-year old (and old enough to know better) Joseph Hoffman, hailing from the fine Vancouver, Washington area. Mr. Hoffman, who was in the Chicago area for some unknown reason, decided to take a cab. I guess it must get tiring walking around a city carrying your possessions. I guess it must get really tiring if your possessions that you're carrying happen to be your meth lab. That's when Mr. Hoffman decided that it would be a good idea if he and his meth lab took a cab. (By the way, that's Mr. Hoffman over there on the right. He looks about like you'd expect him to.)

The cab driver took him somewhere (where isn't exactly clear because the media sucks) and when the cabbie went to collect his fare, he encountered a problem. The guy didn't pay up, but not because he had a problem with the fare or bolted or anything like that. No, he didn't pay up because he was asleep. SOUND asleep in the back of the cab. Yeah, it's problematic when you're trying to get money from someone and they aren't conscious. It makes it a little tricky.

The cabbie decided that he'd just take his slumbering passenger to the police station and see what they could do about it. Well, they couldn't get him to wake up either. Not knowing who Rip Van Winkle really was, they decided to search his bag for some identification. They found some, all right. He is now known as "Guy who fell asleep in a cab with a meth lab in his duffle bag."

Yep. They found three pounds of meth (which the cops claim is about $448,000 worth), and "chemical bottles holding a clear, crystalline" substance, wired to a power source." Again, it's unclear what the "power source" was because the media sucks and that was not addressed. The story goes on to say that "Police said the duffle bag included a "mobile meth lab". Wait. What was the substance wired to the power source? Wasn't that the meth lab? Are these separate things? Was the power source an alarm clock, powered by a liquid methamphetamine? I'm so confused.

But I'm not as confused as Mr. Hoffman. After he "... was taken to St. Francis Hospital in Evanston for treatment...when he woke up he allegedly gave police permission to search his temporary residence". What in the world is a "temporary residence"? Hotel room? Back alley? Pup tent at the KOA? Hard to say. Because why? Because the media sucks, that is correct. But I digress. Inside the "temporary residence" "...officers found "a gallon-size bottle of crystal material suspected to be GHB, or the so-called date rape drug, small blue pills suspected to be ecstasy, and a bag of cannabis". Wow. No wonder he was asleep. Mr. Hoffman seems like a very busy man. Naturally, Mr. Hoffman was arrested and charged with five felony counts of asshattery and dumbassed-ness.

When in court, Mr. Hoffman "...allegedly shook his head...when prosecutors said methamphetamine was worth $448,000 on the street." And while I think that Mr. Hoffman is a complete moron, I'm going to have to agree with him on this one. I've done a little research. Three pounds of meth isn't going to get someone almost half a million dollars. I'd really like to know what street that's on. According to the Department of Justice, "...methamphetamine prices nationwide range from $6,500 to $20,000 per pound, $500 to $2,700 per ounce, and $50 to $150 per gram." It's unclear to me when this was written, but even if we assume that prices have tripled since whenever and is now $60,000 per pound, they would still only be looking at $180,000. That's a far cry from $448,000. By their estimation, a pound of meth is $149,333. That's $9,333 per ounce and $333 per gram. A gram isn't a whole heck of a lot. I'm having a hard time that meth users are coughing up over $300 for a gram of stuff. I'd really like to know how the prosecution arrived at their estimate. I'm sure that Mr. Hoffman would too.

Why does one need a travelling meth lab? Is he like the old timey Fuller Brush man or the Hoover vacuum people? They just show up at your door out of the blue and start demonstrating their product right there on your porch? That seems like an odd way to run an illegal drug business. Then again, falling asleep in the back of a cab with your illegal drug factory in your duffle bag seems like an odd way to do things as well. So what do I know?

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This Stuff Writes Itself

Sometimes, I read stuff that will practically write itself on this blog. Today was no exception. I read this little gem over at Roanoke.com: "A man who hung his GED certificate above his methamphetamine-cooking rig, then fled police by taking to the woods with a tent and a bowl of macaroni and cheese, pleaded guilty today to charges that could send him to prison for years." Seriously, does it get much easier than that? Not by a lot it doesn't.

Here's the scoop: A one 29-year old and old enough to know better John Thomas Nelon Jr., had been making meth in his garage. That alone shows he's not all that bright to begin with. And when police received tips and conducted a search back in May, this genius left little doubt as to who the police were looking for. That's because this proud, proud scholar had conveniently hung his freaking GED certificate on the wall directly above his meth making contraption. (Is it a contraption? Or a process? I'm a little unclear on all of the particulars of the methamphetamine-production-out-of-your-garage gig.) And by the way, he looks just about like you'd expect him to look. That's him over there on the right.

Wow. 29 years old and proudly displaying your GED. I wonder when he got it? Being as how it was so prominently displayed, I would just gather he's a recent recipient of said GED. I can't figure why you'd put something like that above your meth maker. (That's what I'm going to call it since I don't know what it is.) Maybe he was doing it to impress his girlfriend. Because, you know, girls who are only fifteen are quite impressionable. Wait. What?

Correct. He has a fifteen year old girlfriend. Nice life she's living there, eh? I wonder what her story is. Actually, I can kind of probably guess what her story is and my guess would be sad. There didn't seem to be any charges relating to his having a 15-year old girlfriend, so I guess that sort of thing is just fine and dandy in Virginia. I mean, he basically admitted, by pleading guilty, that he had "...manufactured meth and that he did so in the presence of a minor." I had not idea that was even a charge. What about the other things he probably did with said minor? Y'all don't have anything for that?

Apparently, after Einstein made a break for the woods with his tent and his trusty bowl of mac n' cheese, he relied upon said girlfriend to resupply him. And with her being about as smart as he was, she apparently did not notice (or didn't even consider the possibility) that she was being watched by officers when she trotted back into the woods with...I don't know what. More mac n' cheese? Some Spaghettios, perhaps? When officers went in to apprehend him, "Nelon tried to run, but he did not outrun the police dog". I wonder what he took with him during his run that time? His peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

See, I never understand what these folks who run from the authorities are thinking is going to happen. Did he really think that his ingenious plan of fleeing into the nearby woods with A tent and A bowl of macaroni and cheese was going to help him foil a fleet of cops that were going to be looking for him? Was he hoping they were just going to give up like it was a game of Hide and Seek? Did he really think that this was going to help him in any way? He must have, but I just don't get that way of thinking. Then again, I fancy myself a tad more intelligent that a carrot, which might be a little too generous of a vegetable to compare Mr. Nelon to.

When in court, after a description of what went down was presented, "Nelon chuckled at (the) account and told the judge he did not dispute it." Even he knows how ridiculous he was! And I'll be that the wasn't the only one in that courtroom laughing. What a maroon.

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Pawned Spawn

Hmm. It's been a while since I've done a Walmart post. It's also been a while since I've done a post about people trying to sell their baby. Oh, if there was only some way that I could catch up on both of those topics at the same time. Oh, wait! There is (unfortunately).

Meet a one 20-year old (and old enough to know better) Samantha Tomasini and her obvious soul mate a one 28-year old (and definitely old enough to know better) Patrick Fousek. They look just like you'd expect a couple of people to look if you were told that they were trying to sell their 6-month old baby outside of a Walmart. Behold!

Told you. Here's the story: In the hole of the central part of California, otherwise known as Salinas, the male asshat in this story approached two women and asked them if they would be interested in taking his baby daughter for a small fee. And by "taking" I mean "purchasing". Now, that's pretty gutsy. Not half as gutsy as it is stupid, but still pretty gutsy.

The women, obviously being smarter than the doorknob who was soliciting his offspring, "...said they didn't know if Fousek was joking or not". And while I understand that line of thinking, that's a heck of a thing to be joking about, not to mention extremely odd. But "...he was insistent and kept telling them 'No, I want to sell you the baby.' " It was likely that very persistence which is why "...they reported the incident to police with a description of Fousek's (the male asshat's) car." To my complete amazement, the police were able to trace the car to his apartment. I don't know why I find that so fascinating, but I do.

Now, I know this next part will come as quite a shock to you, but when the police went to his house, they found the aforementioned parents to be (I hope you're sitting down) high on meth. I know! Shocking! Who would have thought that two people who tried to sell their kid for $25 would be high on meth?! I did not see that coming. And I...wait. $25? What the what?

Correct. According to KSBW, the asking price for a 6-month old baby outside of the Westridge Walmart in Salinas is twenty five dollars. Cash money. American. Twenty five bucks seems awfully low. Was that the rollback price? Seriously, what can you buy for twenty five bucks? Not much, can you? I mean, I don't know what the going price for meth is these days, but I'm guessing that it's more than $25, isn't it?

Naturally, these two Einsteins were arrested and charged with a variety of things, all of which were probably a) appropriate and b) not enough. But here's a weird little tidbit that I did not expect. The guy's brother talked to the news people at KSBW. He didn't give them his name, but he said "...that he was he, not Fousek, who tried to sell the child to the two women outside Walmart for the price of $50, and that it was all a joke."The girls knew I was kidding. Who's going to say you want to buy a baby for $50 to strangers at a Walmart? That's preposterous." And while I commend him on his use of the word 'preposterous' and for charging $50 instead of $25, that's the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard.

And he sort of trips up himself in his own explanation. First he says that it's him who is trying to sell the child. He's the one who says that the girls knew he was kidding. But then he turns around and asks who would say such a thing! Well, you would, sir! You just said that you did! And on top of that, what in the world kind of a joke is that? Offering to sell a baby? It doesn't sound very joke-y to me. Asinine, yes? Joke-y, not so much. Try a knock-knock next time. I can almost guarantee no one will go to jail over a knock-knock joke.

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The De-Evolution of Sleepy Meth Man

Wow. It is only the third of January, a mere three days into a brand new year and I think that we have a front runner for Dumbass of the Year. And I'm not trying to get your hopes up or anything here, but this guy could be hard to beat.

Surprisingly, this formidable candidate does not hail from the great state of Flori-duh, but rather it's a place called Murfreesboro, Tennessee which he calls home. According to WSMV-TV, a 31-year old and old enough to know better Nathan E. Beasley decided to put his love for chemistry to use by cooking himself up a batch of methamphetamine. Crystal meth, if you will. That's dumb in and of itself. But Mr. Beasley must have been an aspiring chemist with a rather busy schedule and didn't appear to have the time (Translation: He's King of the Morons) to set up a proper stationary meth lab in his parent's basement (I'm picturing parents with a basement in this scenario). What to do, what to do? It's a head scratcher all right. But leave it to Mr. Beasley to come up with a solution. That's right. He just put the meth lab in his vehicle. Wait. What now?

Actually, let me clarify that statement a bit. He didn't just put the meth lab in his vehicle and toted it around town with him. No, he was operating the meth lab in his vehicle. That is correct. Making meth on the go. For that drug fiend with a tight schedule. Seriously, sir, what in the world is wrong with you? Well, plenty from what I can tell (and I'm not done yet)!

This little stunt alone would put Mr. Beasley in the running for Dumbass of the Year. He's clearly a contestant. But what has him as the easy front runner on the third day of the new year is that he was operating his mobile meth lab whilst he was parked at a gas station. That's right. He pulled this vehicle, which was chocked full of chemicals that were combining and reacting with each other in a process that can cause things to get a little explode-y from time to time, right up to the gas pumps. Gas. Hmmm. Hey, wait ! Isn't gasoline another highly flammable and highly explosive chemical? I believe it is! A genius this man is! Sheer genius. But wait! There's more!

Wait. More?

More. Much, much more.

Methamphetamine is known for its ability to keep its user awake for days on end. Thus, in a twist of irony that probably no one saw coming, while pulled up at the gas pumps and cooking meth in his vehicle, Mr. Beasley fell asleep. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn!

Are you kidding me?! He fell asleep?! ASLEEP?! You've got a trunk load of meth there, boy! And you're dozing off while your hazardous chemical reaction going on there just bubbles away (I picture it bubbling) and endangers everyone within a five mile radius should that thing explode at a gas station?! You're the worst meth maker on the go ever.

It was when Mr. Beasley had been passed out for over an hour that the attendant at the gas station called the police. According to the Murfreesboro Post, Mr. Beasley was "...unresponsive inside the vehicle in the driver's position" and "...Officers quickly noticed he was in the process of cooking methamphetamine in the rear of the vehicle." Soooo....wait. They "quickly noticed" this incredible show of asshattery going on? Does that mean that it wasn't in the trunk? Does that mean that he was doing this in the back seat?! I ask you again, what in the world is wrong with you, sir?! A spokesman, a one Kyle Evans, said "The fluids in the bottles were in the process of chemical reaction and were actively cooking.” Good Lord. What a moron.

And what I find almost equally moronic (almost equally, but not quite because I don't think that you can really top that) is the headline that the Murfreesboro Post went with. "Police resuce man from meth lab in car". Wait. What? Rescue? Rescue?! They didn't rescue him. They woke him up! It's not like the meth lab was attacking him or anything! He fell asleep! Rescue? Really, Murfreesboro Post? Really?

So what have we learned? Too much, if you're asking me. But basically, the key element that we've learned here isthat if you're going to manufacture methamphetamine in your car, you should probably do a little bit of it first so that you don't fall asleep in front of the gas pumps and then find yourself being awakened by the authorities as the Hazmat folks dismantle the potential bomb that you have bubbling in the backseat. Anything else that you've learned in addition to that is simply gravy. Charles Darwin may now go on vacation. His work is done here.

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