Back To Jail...Eventually

Surprise, surprise. Lindsay Lohan is going back to jail. Not only have I lost count as to how many times she's been to jail, I've also lost interest in how many times she's gone to jail. This chick has way too many problems to even make it enjoyable any more. (And can you blame her for being screwed up, what with her screwed up family and all? Of course you can. She's twenty five or something like that. Time to grow the eff up. Hmmm. It appears my sympathy has waned a wee bit.) But even after all of this time (this BS has been going on since 2007 for cryin' out loud) she still seems to get preferential treatment because she's a drugged out, semi-washed up celebrity. How is that even possible?

See, she went to court yesterday for a hearing where they were to address her not showing up for a bunch of community service and for not going to a bunch of therapy. And the judge sentenced her to a meager 30 days in jail. It's even more meager when you realize that, because of overcrowding at the jail and because she's a non-violent offender, she's going to do substantially less time than 30 days. It would appear that she could expect to do anywhere between a couple of hours up to a whopping six days. Seriously, why even bother? A couple of hours? Talk about just going through the motions. I'm kind of thinking that after almost 5 years, you make them do more than just a couple of hours.

But here's the thing: Instead of having to go to jail right away (like she did a few weeks ago before she posted $100,000 and was released) the judge gave her a break (as if she's never had one before) and said that she has a week before she has to surrender. Why? Well, because she is apparently under contract with Playboy to have her nude photo shoot (and we're talking FULL frontal here) done this week and if she doesn't do it, then she is in breach of the contract (which is supposed to be paying her a million dollars). I don't know how I feel about this, but I don't think that I like it. While I agree that, theoretically, the chick needs to make money (she's probably snorted and drank her way through most of the money that she had made up to this point), I kind of think that the legal system should come first at least once in this ordeal! Maybe if she missed out on making a million bucks for showing everyone her lady parts, maybe then she'd take this next round of reparations seriously. (Stop laughing. I said 'maybe'!)

And really, I have a hard time believing that Playboy would not reschedule with her. But even if they wouldn't, at least by breaking the terms of the contract because she was in freaking jail (for the sixth time) she might begin to realize that there actually are repercussions for being a huge jackass. I highly doubt that someone who was not a celebrity would be getting this many chances. I have no idea what this is costing LA county or the city or whatever it is to repeatedly keep going back to court to deal with this dimwit. But I'm pretty sure that if it was you or me that was in this position that we wouldn't be getting all of the breaks that Lindsay has gotten. Pretty sure.

moreless

Of Course That Happened!

I don't understand why some people feel the need to make stuff up to get all worked up about. There are plenty of things out there that are extremely irritating and bothersome. And they're not hard to find. It's not like you have to look for them or anything. They're right there. That's why I'm a little perplexed about the latest details coming out about the Amanda Knox ordeal/fiasco.

She still hasn't said much since she was released from an Italian prison where she spent the past four years for maybe/maybe not murdering (or at least taking some part in) her roommate. And really, what is there to say? ("Yeah, I was in jail. Yeah, it sucked. Oh, wait. You're not expecting me to tell you that I was really guilty now that they've let me go, are you? I didn't think so. So, we're right back to 'it sucked'.") And since there isn't a lot to say, the media is now taking what has been said and they are running with it as if she was in Abu Ghraib. Here's their latest over-compensation: Amanda Knox was sexually harassed in prison.

Um, OK. Harassed? That's it? In prison? Personally, I don't think that I'd be complaining if that's the worst thing that happened to me if I was in prison. (Why might I be in prison, you ponder? Come on. We all know that one day I'm going to twist off, probably when California is completely insolvent, and do something nutty. I don't know exactly what form my discourse will take, but it will likely be spectacular. And personally, I hope it involves fireworks. They're pretty. But I digress.) So...what? She had to put up with a bunch of "Hey, baby" and "Lookin' good"? In prison? I'm OK with that. No complaints here. Granted, she doesn't seem to be the one complaining. The media is falling all over itself trying to act like that was so outrageous that it happened. What's amazing is that more didn't happen to her. Seriously, have you seen her? She's kinda hot. Of course she was sexually harassed!

I'm curious as to why there is a different standard or why there was a different stance taken with Amanda Knox than there was with the three idiot hikers that got themselves arrested in Iran. In both instances, an American was jailed in a foreign land for a crime that they said that they did not commit. (Granted, Iran is run by a crazy man, but Silvio Berlusconi isn't exactly the epitome of leadership over there. He appears to be about as mobbed up (not to mention horny) as they come.) But with the idiot hikers (their new moniker), the money that needed to be forked over to pay their ransom was paid for by the United States (aka, you and me). Amanda Knox needed attorneys and legal assistance when she was imprisoned abroad, but you didn't see the country forking over the money for that. No, her family mortgaged their houses and forked over the cash that they raised. Why was it different? I don't get it.

But whatever the reason, I doubt that it will be any different the next time something like either one of the above scenarios happens again. In the meantime, I think that Amanda Knox is going to be just fine. I'm sure that she'll get over her "sexual harassment" she experienced in the Italian prison. Now if only the media could get over it just as easily, then we'd be in a lot better shape.

moreless

A Wife Sentence

Well, here's a match made in heaven for you. What we have here are two people who are currently incarcerated (and don't seem to be getting out any time soon) who have fallen in love and have taken the plunge and married each other. All from behind bars. For some reason that I'm not quite clear on. Meet Marissa Star Bilotti the love of her life, Iftekhar Murtaza. (You can pronounce that however you'd like.) Their whirlwind romance began in January when they were both behind bars. I should mention that they're both still behind bars and will both likely continue to be behind bars for years to come. And trust, it's not a tragedy.

According to the OC Register, these two lovebirds met when "...Bilotti sent Murtaza a letter at the suggestion of another female inmate". Of course. Because that sounds like a good way to hook a fella. Find another inmate. He will probably be more likely than a free, law-abiding man to understand how she came to be in her predicament. What is her predicament you ask? Let's see...oh, here it is! She is charged with "...first-degree murder, burglary, and robbery." See, she allegedly helped her boyfriend kill some guy in 2010. She allegedly "...concealed a folded knife in her vagina while waiting in a getaway car." Sure. That's real normal. I'm sure she's a peach.

But what about him, you ask? Again, an upstanding citizen. This gentleman is charged with "...abducting the father and sister of his ex-girlfriend, beating them to death, and then setting their bodies on fire in an Irvine park in May 2007." Now, now. Let's not judge right away. Maybe there wasn't any kindling available. And besides, what if it's a misunderstanding? She doesn't want to take the chance of not marrying this prince based on a simple misunderstanding, does she? Apparently not.

"They got to know each other through a furious exchange of letters, sometimes six a day." See, I don't get that. Six a day? I understand that they don't have much else to do in there, but why not just shove the rest of the letter in the same envelope? It's certainly not very thrifty the way that they're going about it. I hope they take a look at that as they begin their life as a lawfully wedded couple. An efficient running household is really something to strive for.

From what I can tell from reading the article, there was an awful lot of red tape that had to be gone through in order to make it so that these two felons could be joined in felonious matrimony. Why this was even an option is beyond me. I certainly hope that it didn't cost the taxpayers any money. It's bad enough that the public is already likely paying for these scumbags lawyers. (Oh. Sorry. Alleged scumbags.) Why should anyone give a fat rat's ass if these guys get married or not? They're in freaking jail! For killing people! How is their being able to get married any sort of a priority for anyone?! Keep your eye on the ball people! For cryin' out loud.

moreless

Intestinal Fortitude

The other day we learned about a woman in Scranton, PA who was arrested with something like 51 packages of heroin, 30-some odd drug baggies, 8-1/2 prescription pills and fifty-two dollars and twenty two cents, all conveniently packaged within the warmth and comfort of her own vagina. Well, if she's looking for a date or something, I think I have found the perfect person to hook her up with.

Meet Neil Lansing. Mr. Lansing resides in Sarasota County, Florida. According to the blog Jonathan Turley (Mr. Turley is a "...nationally recognized legal scholar who has written extensively in areas ranging from constitutional law to legal theory to tort law." I find his blog to be very interesting.), when Mr. Lansing was being booked into jail, a "virtual Cornucopia" turned up during the cavity search. In case you're unfamiliar with a cavity search, let me just say that those doing the searching were not dentists. I'll let you noodle the rest of that through.

Inside of his rectum (for those of you still noodling, you can probably stop now, as I'm sure you can figure out which cavity we are referring to here) they found some contraband. Let me take this opportunity to mention that I am really glad that my career path has taken me in directions so that I will never have to be in the position of discovering items that someone has shoved up their bodily cavities that are supposed to be "Out Only". But I digress. They found the following items:

17 Oxycodone pills

1 cigarette (Really? Up...there? You can't tell me that thing was still in tact after all of the...inserting and...removing. Cigarettes are kind of fragile. They're certainly not meant for deep drilling purposes.)


6 matches (It doesn't specify what kind of matches. I'm hoping that they were waterproof.)

1 flint (A flint?!?! Was he expecting to be participating in some sort of Boy Scout Jamboree? Having a flint up your ass is probably the epitome of the slogan "Be prepared".)

1 empty syringe with eraser over needle (Of course. An eraser. For protection. Safety first! What, pray tell, what he planning on injecting with said syringe? Never mind. I don't want to know.)

1 lip balm container (It doesn't say if there was any lip balm actually in the container. I could see not wanting chapped lips, but considering where the balm would be coming from, I think I'd tough it out.)

1 condom (Again, safety first! I certainly hope that he was planning on removing all of his supplies before he would be taking one for the team. I'm guessing that there's not much room in there for anything else, let alone Bubba's penis.)

1 CVS receipt (For tax purposes. Sure. That makes sense. It's either that or he was planning on returning something. Please, sir. For the love of all that is good and has not been up your rear end, please don't try to return any of that. )

And finally, one...coupon? (What the what? OK, I understand being frugal and thrifty, but in jail? What's he planning to save a dollar on? Is that where he normally keeps his coupons? What's that like when he goes to check out? "Just a minute. I have a coupon for that. Where is it?...Let's see...I know I brought it with me...Oh! That's right! I have inserted it into my rectum!"

Mr. Lansing was subsequently charged with being a dumbass. OK, that wasn't the official charge, but do you have a better name for it?

moreless

A Festivus For Anyone

I'm not really a proponent of giving inmates behind bars a bunch of privileges. I'm more in favor of hard labor. Chain gangs, to be precise. I think we could get a lot of stuff done with inmate labor. If nothing else, I'm at least in favor of having them crush up big rocks into little rocks, complete with that big heavy ball chained to one leg. It'd give a nice old-timey feel to incarceration! So, given my outlook on the coddling of inmates, you can imagine that I built up a full head of steam after reading that one inmate managed to get special meals because of his religious beliefs. And before you go off telling me that they're allowed special diets for religious reasons, let me tell you that his "religious belief" was Festivus. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to my local San Jose Mercury News, a one Malcolm Alarmo King (Alarmo? Really? Is he supposed to be some sort of superhero?), currently behind bars at the Theo Lacy Jail down there in Orange County, was not a big fan of salami. (I'm merely guessing that the meals were heavy on the salami, as that's the only basis that the article gives for what transpired next.) He had originally "...asked for kosher meals at the Theo Lacy jail to maintain his healthy physique." Yep. One must be in tip-top shape to prepare for all of the drug dealing that they do when they're not behind bars, don't you know?

But, alas! His kosher meals were not to be, for simply wanting to be healthy, as "...sheriff's officials reserve kosher meals for inmates with a religious need." Now, apparently, this sort of thing has to be OK'ed be a judge. The judge that was apparently involved in this instance was a one Judge Derek G. Johnson and he "...demanded a religious reason for King to receive the meals and defense attorney Fred Thiagarajah cited his client's devotion to Festivus". Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Just in case you were living under a rock during most of the 1990s, allow me to explain Festivus to you. It derives from the TV show "Seinfeld". According to Wikipedia, it was a holiday that Frank Costanza invented "...as an alternative holiday in response to the commercialization of Christmas." Sure. That seems reasonable.

Festivus doesn't have a tree. Instead, there is simply an unadorned aluminum pole (Frank found tinsel to be distracting). According to Frank, the aluminum provides a "Very high strength-to-weight ratio", an important factor to consider when choosing any holiday centerpiece. Some Festivus traditions include "Airing of Grievances," where one lashes out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year, and the "Feats of Strength" where "...the head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match." My point with all of this being is that it sounds absolutely ridiculous. It also sounds just like something that would have been made up by someone.

Unfortunately, the judge didn't seem to see it that way. Nope. He saw celebrating Festivus as a perfectly legitimate claim and granted the inmates request. This went on for two months before "...the sheriff's food services staff, who interviews those needing special diets, realized Festivus sounded phony." Good Lord. It took the food services staff to figure this farce out?! I'm not trying to belittle anyone with this next question, but what is their highest level of achieved education as compared to that of the freaking judge who gave this thing the green light?!

What was that judge thinking? Even if he hadn't heard of the Seinfeld episode, wouldn't you think that if he heard "Festivus" that he might ask something to the effect of "What the hell are you talking about?" Apparently not. And that's why an inmate got kosher meals for two months that the taxpayers footed the bill for. Now...where do I air my grievances?

moreless

Non-Torturous Jailhouse Movies

If you're in jail, it's not supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be enjoyable. You're not supposed to be having a good time. So if you're not thrilled with the television programming that your particular place of incarceration is providing you with, please do not write letters to your local news source and complain. James Poulin, I'm talking to you.

According to something called TCPalm, Mr. Poulin, who has spent the last "...four years awaiting trial for driving-under-the-influence manslaughter", wrote to something called Florida Today complaining of "torture". Now, normally, claims of torture would be taken quite seriously. But when you realize that Mr. Poulin's definition of "torture" is that at the Brevard County Detention Center, where he is currently a resident, the "...inmates are forced to watch the same movies over and over and it is taking a toll." Wait a minute. Movies? What the...?

Correct. According to Mr. Poulin, the Sheriff of Brevard County, a one Jack Parker "...gathered up a bunch of old (movies) he had laying around and played them over and over for the next year," Poulin wrote to Florida Today. "I have seen 'Black Hawk Down,' 'Pearl Harbor,' 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'Battle Front' hundreds of times each, sometimes two or three times a day. . . " Um...OK. Hmm. Anything else?

Of course there's something else! He's an inmate who is bitching about what is on TV! You think it's going to stop there without some sort of ridiculous comparison to something that doesn't even make sense? Of course not! He includes "Like the old Chinese water torture, the inescapable sounds of these movies over and over works on nerves and psyche." Hey, could someone actually perform the old Chinese water torture on this guy and see how he likes his movies then? Or better yet, just waterboard the moron. I'm sure that he'll want to watch nothing but 'Saving Private Ryan' all day, every day in lieu of being waterboarded.

In case you were wondering, Mr. Poulin has been in jail since 2007 "...for allegedly driving and crashing his car while intoxicated, an accident that killed his female passenger." What's the hold up? Well, from what I can tell, he is the hold up. "There have been 14 motions for continuances in his case and six federal lawsuits against the jail, all of which have been dismissed." OK. I've got it now. As if it wasn't clear before, now I'm relatively sure that this guy, aside from being a cretin, is just a pain in the ass. And the same sentiments go for his lawyer, a one Assistant Public Defender Randy Moore. Mr. Moore said that "...the continuances are a strategy." I see. I'm guessing that Mr. Moore and Mr. Poulin get along just swell together. What a scumbag.

You know, having to watch the movies that he's "subjected" to over and over doesn't seem that bad. It's not like they were being subjected to anything with Jennifer Aniston in it or something like that

moreless

I Forgot They Were There, Officer

You know it's a bad day when you're booked into jail. And sure, we can all think of ways that the day that one is booked into jail can get worse. For instance, you could end up being paired with an extremely randy cellmate. Hmm. Really, that's probably about as bad as it could get for most people. But if you're a one Elizabeth Athenia Progris, who was booked into the Martin County jail somewhere in Florida (of course), it got worse in a rather unique fashion when, according to the TC Palm, "...a bag of generic Xanax tumbled "from her genital area." Oh, my.

Apparently, the 22-year-old was booked in and showered on August 13. Her occupation was apparently listed as being "dancer/housewife". How very versatile of her. Anyway, before she was all booked in, the detectives at the jail asked her if she had anything illegal on her person or in her possession. She, naturally, said that she did not. The detectives informed her that if she did, she could be charged. No problem. She still said that she didn't have anything.

I'm kind of wondering if she would have been charged if she had confessed to having anything illegal on her at this point. I guess if she would have been charged anyway, she might as well try to see if she can get it into the jail. And she absolutely did. When she was "...drying off when a deputy noticed a clear bag drop "from her genital area to the floor by her feet." Whoops! Where did that come from?!

Yep. You guessed it and I'm not going to repeat it. Because this chick couldn't do without her generic Xanax, she now "...faces felony charges of possession of a controlled substance and introduction of contraband". Really? Hoo-ha Xanax is a felony? I knew that it was untoward, but felonious?

But the best part of this article is where is tells us: "The affidavit didn't specify whether Progris simply forgot the pills were in her genital area, or how they got there." Wait. Are you serious?! It didn't specify if she forgot they were there?! Do you think that just might be because NO ONE could forget if they had a baggie full of narcotics shoved into the insides of their nether regions?! I'm guessing that's why it wasn't specified. Does the affidavit need to specify how they got there? Can't we all just put two and two together and get a uterine cavity full of contraband? Good Lord, people.

Oh, and by the way? Yep, this chick looks just like you would think that she does. Behold!

Told you so.

moreless

That's Just A Sketch

I will admit that I feel a little cheated with this whole Lindsay Lohan going to jail dealio. I was expecting (and hoping) that the whole thing would be a spectacle. And I love a good spectacle! But this was far from. There was no Paris Hilton-esque crying. There were no throngs of helicopters. Sure, there were the dingbats outside of the courthouse, but they paled in comparison to, say, the people outside of the courthouse when Michael Jackson was on trial. Amateurs is all that I saw.

Today, I thought that I was finally going to get a glimpse of all that I had longed for when I saw a link over at People.com that said "See Lindsay Lohan Getting Handcuffed". Now, I got pretty excited because from what I had read, the judge had ordered no pictures or video be taken when she was getting cuffed. I figured that this had to be some sort of rogue photo that someone managed to sneak and then promptly sold to People for a gazillion dollars. I couldn't click fast enough. I was, as you can imagine, sorely disappointed. Not to mention, I was a little irritated as well. This is what they showed me. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That isn't a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting handcuffed! No, THAT is a sketch. I could have drawn a sketch! ANYONE could have drawn a sketch. And, well, someone DID. But that's not the point. It's not the same! Way to go, People. That's pretty weak if you're asking me. And I'm not even sure that it's all that accurate. Her lips appear to be normal sized in that sketch. And clearly, from the footage that was shot in the courtroom before she was cuffed, her lips are far from normal size. Behold!

Those are not the normal lips of a normal human being. She looks sort of like a duck. It's like her lips are too big to close on their own and so she ends up seeming like some sort of collagen-filled mouth breather. Whose idea was it that big, fat lips are attractive? I do not see the allure in any of it. None. Although I will say that her mugshot is one of the better photographs that she has taken in a while. Behold!

It's just unfortunate (or maybe not so much depending on how you're looking at this) that she had to go to jail to have a semi-flattering picture taken of her. Whatever. It's only been a little over 24 hours. Word is that she'll be doing between 14 and 23 days of her 90 day sentence. There's still plenty of time for spectacle and drama. And if it happens, I'll be enjoying every moment of it.

moreless

LiLo Is All A-Twitter

As much as I loathe Twitter and think that it is absolutely ridiculous, it is times like this which I am grateful for its existence. And by "times like this" I mean "the day after Lindsay Lohan found out that she's going to be going to jail and has taken to Twitter to express her outrage".

Here's the scoop: Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan was reminded that she is just like everyone else when it comes to the legal system when she was sentenced to 90 days in jail for failing to comply with the terms of her probation that were set back in 2007. She cried. She freaked out. She whined. And that was before she knew she was going to jail! After she found out about all of the jailing that was going to take place, that's when the real drama started. That's also when she did what any other self-absorbed, semi-celebrity would do in just such a situation. That's right. She took to Twittering.

Mind you, this is like 6 tweets all strung together since you can only tweet 140 characters at a time. But it is what it is. And what it is, is absolutely hysterical. Here we go:

"It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that....No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment. this was taken from an article by Erik Luna..November 1 marked the 15th anniversary of the U.S. Sentencing Guidelines. But there were no celebrations, parades, or other festivities in honor of this punishment scheme created by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission....Instead, the day passed like most others during the last 15 years:Scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules."

It's hard to know which part of that whole screed she sees as being relevant to her own situation. Perhaps she feels that she is being subjected to "torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment". Perhaps she feels that the system has sapped its "moral judgment through its mechanical rules" and that's why she is going to jail. Someone should probably tell her that her issues are not part of the Federal court system and that there are NO sentencing guidelines in her situation. I mean, it's an interesting point of view and all of that, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the mess that she got herself into. Nope. Nothing.

But wait! There's more! Her latest tweet read simply: "http://tinyurl.com/29kxdyf -- please RT". If you're unfamiliar with Tweet-Speak, RT means re-tweet. That's Twitter's way of saying "Psst! Pass it on!" If you click on her link, it takes you to a Newsweek article about an Iranian woman who is a mother of two and who is likely to be stoned to death as her punishment for committing adultery. (Nice system you have over there, Iran. Nice system, indeed.) Wait. What?

Is she comparing her plight to that of the condemned Iranian woman? I...I...I think she is! Hey, does someone want to tell her that it's not the same?! A spoiled, over-partied actress who can't figure out how to complete 13 alcohol awareness classes in 3 years is NOT the same as an Iranian woman who is about to be stoned to death for adultery that she may or may not have committed! No wonder she can't figure out how the whole court system and probation apply to her. My God, is she delusional or what? Holy crap. Well, whatever it is, it's definitely entertaining. And I'm sure that there's only more to come. Stay tuned!

moreless