Bad Website Design 101

Today's topic is introduction to bad website design. I'll be your host. What you are about to witness is real. Frighteningly real. I don't know who ever thought that any of these websites were good ideas, but someone must have because they're out there and they currently exist today. Granted, I realize that people got all gung-ho with things that you could do to websites when the Internet first started becoming accessible to folks who really probably shouldn't have ever had access in the first place. But even still, wouldn't you know from looking at some of these that they are just not a good idea.

Let's start with Bobdul Johnson, Attorney at Law. (You're going to have to click and then come back. Sorry about that.) You're really missing out if you don't at least skim through his FAQs. It probably doesn't bode well for this guy that when you click on the link that says "List of cases won/settled out of court" that the link is broken. Not surprising or anything like that. Mostly just amusing.


Now we're going to take a look at what appears to be the personal website of a chap named Govind Tiwari. Mr. Tiwari seems to really enjoy Photoshopping his image into and onto just about everything. He also is a very proficient blinker. The most pressing question that I have is why his cell phone number only works on Sundays. I'm contemplating calling on Sunday and asking him.



Here we have a website by a one Michael Blount. His site was created during the dawn of the Internet. Michael obviously realized that the Internet had a huge potential when it came to meeting chicks and forming relationships with them, so his eleven year old self set up a page where his "future girlfriend" could hear what he sounded like and see what he looked like and then she could send him a message and their lives of bliss together could begin. (Yeah, that never happened. And not because his site wasn't a success, but because Mike turned out to be gay.) You'll want to have your speakers on so you can hear his soft, creepy little voice.


Yvette wanted to sell bridal dresses. I guess she must have gone insane in the process because her website, Yvette's Bridal Formal is, well, insane. Oh, and if you still have your speakers turned up from the last one, you might want to turn them down just a bit, lest you be bombarded with the ragtime piano music that constantly plays in the background of this disaster.Over here, we have Mahir. Mahir seems to want to meet a woman. I guess that's why he opened with "I KISS YOU!!!!! It's kind of forward. Maybe he might want to consider toning it down just a bit. Or removing the website altogether. Whichever.



And finally, we have this weird Peter Pan guy. And as weird as that is, somehow, the guy manages to make some money off of it. I guess he sells his "music" and various other items like mouse pads and what not. The whole thing frightens me, really. And it's weird. But really, to each their own, right? Right. But could they at least do "their own" with better web design? Please?

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They're Not In There

There are several ways to tell if you might have a drug problem. If you start missing work or going to work high, you might have a drug problem. If you start avoiding things that you once found pleasurable so that you can do drugs instead, you might have a drug problem. If you find yourself cutting open your acquaintances rectum with a straight razor to look for drugs, you might have a drug problem. Wait. What?

Correct. Meet Ethan Adam Younce, a 22-year old lad from Elkton, MD. According to something called The Dreamin' Demon, it seems that ol' Ethan and a bunch of his buddies were at a house at around 4AM. (Nothing good happens after midnight, folks. Nothing. I know that it seems like there's a lot of stuff going on, but there isn't. Nothing good, anyways. Take this story for instance. It happened after midnight and there isn't one good thing about it.) I'm assuming that young Ethan and his friends were just as high as could be because after one of the lads at the house passed out, "Younce and two others at the party believe that the man passed out has either drug money or drugs shoved up his ass." Of course. Because...well...why wouldn't he? Or something.

Naturally, Ethan and his friends, a one 27-year old (and old enough to know better) Eric Edward Allen and a one 18-year old) and also old enough to know better) Maurice Helton, woke the sleeping man up by beating him. While that does seem like an effective way to roust someone from their slumber, it really doesn't seem necessary. Oh, and speaking of things that don't seem necessary, you know what else fits into that category? What happened next, that's what!

See, because there was, by all reasonable calculations (coming from the geniuses who were convinced that this guy had a stack of drugs in the suppository position) at least FIFTY dollars worth of drugs, they decided to go looking for them. So "Younce’s accomplices held him down while Younce stripped him". And here's where it gets a little oogie. This is not for the faint at heart. It's really not for anyone, but if you can read this without squirming in your seat at least once, then you have nerves of steel at the very least.

With the guy completed naked, Younce decided to carve up his anal region like a Thanksgiving turkey. Using a silver-and-black folding razor, Younce began cutting away...down there! And of course, his friends helped him in this endeavor because they must have thought that it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do to someone who might have all of FIFTY DOLLARS worth of drugs in their rectum. Fortunately, one of the people in the house realized that nothing good happens after midnight and ran "...shrieking to a neighbor to call 911." The cops showed up. Younce was arrested. His victim went to the hospital for "...emergency butt reconstruction surgery". He made it through the surgery and surprise! No drugs were found. Shocking, I know.

I have yet to read in any of the accounts of this fiasco exactly what Mr. Younce was high on in the first place. There's no way he was sober. That sort of information could prove helpful in the war on drugs. Listen, if I were a youngster and someone was talking to me about the dangers of this Drug X that Mr. Younce was on and they mentioned that this particular drug could make someone think really crazy thoughts about what was up my butt and want to carve it out of me with a razor, you can be damn sure that I wouldn't be around anyone who did that sort of drug EVER! I highly doubt that I would be doing that drug EVER as well. It sure as heck beats that "This is your brain on drugs" campaign with the fried eggs. I don't want to turn into the person that thinks that everyone's ass is a drug pinata. That's no way to go through life, son. No way at all.

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Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, etc.

What we have today is a video. It's a video that is without splick. That is to say, it is inexplicable. Actually, the video itself isn't so bad. It's the song that accompanies said video that I'm having a problem with. And it could be that I just don't get it. I'm not dismissing any possibilities. But I really think that I am being fairly accurate when I say that this might be one of the biggest piece of crap songs that I have ever heard in my life and I cannot for the life of me understand how in the world the video has garnered over 19 million hits on YouTube AND has made it into the top fifty downloads on iTunes! Since Blogger is being super fabulous this evening and may or may not be letting me put up the video (check at the bottom of this post to see if it's here), you might just have to click on the YouTube link above to check out this atrocity. I'll wait.

Are you back? How are your ears? Have you stabbed them out with sporks yet? The chick singing is a one thirteen year old Rebecca Black. And that brings me to some of my questions. (Trust me, there isn't enough room here for all of my questions.) Question one: Why does she feel to sing a song that is basically telling us the days of the week and the mundane-mess of her days? And in such a matter of fact way. She gets up. She goes downstairs. She eats cereal. And then comes the real pickle of her day...trying to make that gut wrenching decision as to whether she should sit in the front seat or the back seat! Then comes our lesson on the days of the week. Well, most of them. Thursday comes before Friday. After Friday is Saturday. After Saturday is Sunday. Thank God that her week in her song only seems to have four days as I don't think that I could have stomached hearing about Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Seriously, I've heard songs that were basically about nothing, but this takes nothing-ness to a whole new level.

But wait! There's more! Suddenly, right in the middle of this debacle, a 30-year old rapper (for some reason) pops up in the middle of the video and begins his own matter-of-fact lyrics about absolutely nothing. Then after he's done, it's back to the thirteen year old white girl to continue singing about how it is Friday and "We so excited...We gonna have a ball today." Painful lyrics and poor grammar. Fabulous. What's with the rapper? What's he driving? Why is he having anything at all to do with a little 13-year old white chick? He seems to be chasing down the middle schoolers in the bus so that he can party it up with them. Why? Because it's Friday, that is correct.

I can only assume that this is some sort of quest to try to find the next Justin Bieber or something like that? I don't know where else this chick came from, nor do I particularly care. I wish that she'd go back there and take her song with her, though. And I don't necessarily care what day of the week that she does it on. She doesn't even need to sing to me about it. Even though she probably would and it would probably go something like this: "And Mary didn't care for me or my little song. So I went back from whence I came. My song was never played again. Not even on Friday. Or the day after that, which happens to be Saturday. Or the day after that, which I will tell you is Sunday. Now I am going to go upstairs to my room and never come out again. I don't know what to tell you about the rapper. My Dad wants to hurt and maim him, though. I think I smell biscuits."

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Uncomfortably Numb

This is clearly the worst cover "band" on the planet. And if any of their other songs that they "play" are anything like this one, they're moving closer toward the worst band on the planet, period. I realize that I'm using the term "band" loosely, as they're absolutely horrible. Towards the end, the look on the singer's face makes me realize that even he knows they couldn't place last at a 4th grade talent show.

If the video below doesn't play, you can try clicking here to watch it over at YouTube.

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Go Directly To Hell

Today's senseless baby death comes from (of course) Flori-duh and involves a *rolls dice* woman who was *rolls dice* angry that her baby was crying while *rolls dice* she was playing Farmville on Facebook and so she *rolls dice* shook him to death. Dislike.

It's just as sick and disgusting as it sounds. According to the New York Daily News, a one 22-year old (and old enough to know better) Alexandra V. Tobias has has pleaded guilty to second-degree murder in the shaking death of her 3-month old son, Dylan Lee Edmondson. See, she was playing freaking Farmville on Facebook and eventually "...confessed to losing her temper while trying to concentrate on the game." Trying to concentrate on the game? It's freaking FARMVILLE. But regardless of how much concentration it did or did not require, shouldn't you have been paying more attention to your baby in the first place? Yeah, I think you are. Moron.

Just so it's clear what a piece of shoe scum this woman is, "...she confessed to shaking the baby, smoking a cigarette to calm down and then shaking the baby again." Sooo, apparently that cigarette didn't do a whole lot of calming down, eh? Wow, lady. You really are a nutjob. But, really, have I been clear enough on what a horrible and useless individual this woman is? Not quite? Well, when the baby was taken to the hospital, he was found to have "...head injuries and a broken leg". And "Doctors said the infant died from "abusive head trauma." What in the hell is wrong with you?

You shook the kid so hard that you broke his freaking leg?! He was three months old, you bitch. And all because you had to "concentrate" on your G-D farm that isn't even real! There's a special place in hell for people like her and the sooner she gets to it, the better as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, and by the way, she looks just about like you'd expect her to. Behold!

By the way, cupcake...there isn't Farmville in prison. Enjoy!

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The Worst Cartoon Ever

The awesome folks over there at Urlesque had a little feature called "13 Old Cartoons You Didn't Think Anyone Else Watched". It was awesome. But after reading it and watching some of the old cartoons, I'm fairly convinced that no one watched them. That is, except The Ant and The Aardvark, which aired during episodes of The Pink Panther. That was awesome. The rest of those cartoons are simply crap.

But the one which I found to be absolutely awful as well as inexplicable was The Gary Coleman Show. Yes. That is correct. The Gary Coleman Show. From what I can tell, the Gary Coleman character is an angel that is sent back down to earth by some school marm looking angel who wears gladiator sandals (which is strange since she's an angel and lives in the clouds where there really isn't a pressing need for footwear). I guess he's supposed to do good deeds. I'm not really sure. I'm more interested in what the story was behind the dead kid, but I don't really think that they got into that very much back then. (By the way, I'm merely assuming that he's a small child in this cartoon. For all I know, he could have been an adult. Hard to tell with that guy.)

The point here is that is appears to have been terrible and I cannot believe that anyone watched it. Actually, I can't believe that anyone thought that this thing was a good idea in the first place. Who comes up with these things? What was it that made someone think that what the world was clamoring for at the time was a Gary Coleman cartoon where he's an angel? And after whoever it was voiced this opinion, who in the world was it that agreed with that individual?

I've included a sample of this madness below. It's only the opening credits, but it's enough for you to grasp just how horrible it was (and still is, in a way). If you need some of the actual crap show, do a You Tube search. There are a few on there for you to gape in amazement at.

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Remedial Tattooing 101

Why do people get tattoos that suck? I don't mean that they're just weird or not my type or something like this:

Clearly, that man is getting ready for a crime spree like no other. That is, assuming that he hasn't just finished one. What the flock is that all about? Regardless, the point here is that even though I don't quite understand the meaning of it all, nor why someone would want to get that tattooed on their body (much less their head/facial region), it's not poorly done. Poorly thought out? Absolutely. Without question. But there is some effort that went into it. Can you say the same for this?:

I'm guessing you cannot. There are several issues with this tattoo, first and foremost being this chap's proclamation of his small unit. But it's just all wrong. The spacing between the "I" and the "HAVE" is almost non-existent. The font or the printing looks like my dog did it. What were you thinking, sir? (I'm guessing he was either really drunk or he lost a bet.) And who is that for, really? I don't want to know. Kind of like how I don't want to know what's going on with this tattoo. Behold!

Can you come up with any reason why there is a mohawk-ed creature with possibly only one arm, one leg and a misshapen manhood curled up underneath someone's man teat while flying saucers attack from the left? I'm only guessing about the flying saucers. I suppose they could be piles of poo. But the thing is that if it weren't so poorly drawn, there wouldn't be all of these questions. OK, fine. There'd be less questions. If your tattoo artist can't draw, what say you just forego any illustrations and just stick with text, like this bad boy did:

Hmm. I suppose I should have also added to make sure your tattoo artist is older than five and isn't using what appears to have been a sharpened Bic ballpoint. Was this picture taken before it was totally done, or is this it? I'm confused as to why the D in "bad" isn't finished yet. It looks like BAC BOYS FOR LIFE. What's a bac boy? Wait. Maybe that's how the subject of this next tattoo says "bad boy". Meet Asian Elvis!

I have no idea what went wrong there. Did the person want an Asian Elvis tattoo? I'm having a hard time imagining what would possess someone to want something like that on purpose. Granted, I am totally guessing that it's even supposed to BE Elvis. I have no idea. It could be anyone. Asian Elvis. Asian Nixon. Asian Bono. I have no idea. At least this guy didn't have a tattoo artist who couldn't draw or print. No, that was the case of this next unfortunate dimwit.

OK, I don't even know what that is, much less what in the heck it is supposed to mean.

You ate McdoNald2

2

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What is that creature underneath there? Half rat, half reindeer? Two-legged sloth? It looks like alcohol was involved in more ways than one with that tattoo. It's really not making his bacne look any better. Just as the one below isn't doing much to detract from the guy's male pattern baldness.

I...I...I really don't know what to say. Was this man getting too much sex and so he had to take action to make sure that he never had any ever again? I can't imagine. Just as I can't imagine what possessed someone to get this on his ankle:

That is one sad snowman. "F**k no" is what that sign should read. Did someone pee on him? That's just wrong. And horribly done. As is this homage to the American porch sitter:

Yes, I realize that we can tell what it is, but that doesn't make it right. It looks like hell and the proportions are wrong. Not to mention that I'm sort of wondering why it only has three legs. But it's the same reason why I'm wondering why this next one only has one arm, not to mention what appears to be some sort of crown in what has to be the saddest kingdom ever.

That dragon thing looks stoned. Is he chewing gum? Where's his other arm? So many questions...so, so many questions.

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Who is Old? The Who, That's Who

The Super Bowl was played yesterday. Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints on their amazing victory! The game itself was superb. It was very exciting and I'm really glad that I watched it. What wasn't so exciting and what I wasn't so thrilled to have been subjected to was the halftime performance of The Who.

If you were wondering just how old the members of The Who are, you weren't the only one. The number four most frequently searched topic of yesterday according to Google Trends was "how old is roger daltrey". Roger Daltrey is 65 and Pete Townshend is equally geezer-ific at 64. Now, I'm not saying that if you're old that you still can't bring the rock like you did when you were younger. But before decimating this particular performance, I want to point out that the song "My Generation" was conspicuously absent from the song list. There's a reason for that and it lies somewhere in the lyric of "Hope I die before I get old." Well, that didn't happen, as they're clearly old and clearly alive. The lyric could have easily been changed to "Hope I die before I make an ass out of myself by performing at the Super Bowl when I am clearly past my prime and unable to fake it any longer."

I'm not sure exactly who the chap was that was seated behind the drums. All I know is that is was not the original drummer of The Who. The original drummer was Keith Moon and he died in 1978. I'm pretty sure that he was one in a long string of musicians that was unceremoniously found face down in his own vomit. There's a lot of ways that you can leave this world, but I've gotta think that head first in a puddle of your own excrement is one of the least dignified methods available, wouldn't you?

I will credit Roger Daltrey with continuing to have an enormous lung capacity to belt out these songs, as it was evident during his performance that he was capable not so much of carrying a tune as much as he was simply shouting the songs. He was sporting some sort of pale blue eyewear that wasn't always evident that is was, in fact, a pair of glasses. For a good three minutes, I thought the man had way overdone it on the eye shadow. (Also, his harmonica playing days seem to be behind him as well.

And old man Pete can definitely still play that axe of his. They music part was fine. It was the singing/yelling part that wasn't so fine. Oh, and the sheer terror that Pete Townshend's shirt, which began to unbutton at the bottom, might actually come flying all the way off, leaving viewers to gape at the spectacle of a bare chested, 64-year old British man surrounded by several colorful laser beams and a vast array of pyrotechnics.

Overall, it was probably the worst Super Bowl halftime show I have ever seen. It was one of the worst live musical performances that I have ever seen outside of the Super Bowl as well. I don't have any problem with the elderly performing their classics, but only as long as they can actually perform them. Who was last year's entertainer? Bruce Springsteen? He's an oldster and he did just fine (right up until he slid across the stage in his too tight leather pants and plowed into a cameraman). Prince was awesome. I know he's not old, but it has been quite a while since he's had a hit (and if that song that he wrote for the Minnesota Vikings is any indication, it's going to be quite a while before he has another). He did fine. Was it Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction that caused the halftime entertainment to veer from something that people enjoy watching to something that has people who are under 25 just cringing and confused? Was that it? Nipplegate? Was that the problem?

All I know is that if we never see The Who perform live again, it will probably be for the best. I'm happy and thankful for all of the songs that they have given us over the years (most notably those that were written and originally performed when they were just kids and likely high as freaking kites), but there's no need for me to actually perform the songs any longer. I know it's them. Isn't that good enough. Man, I hope so. I certainly don't want to be subjected to anything like that anytime soon. The video of a large portion of this debacle is below. See for yourself.

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Worst Graduation Song Ever

With the return of American Idol this week for it's ninth season (and the last one with my beloved Simon Cowell), I thought that it would be appropriate to explain just how important it is to be honest with people in your life. Wait. What? Honesty and American Idol go hand in hand? Correct.

See, a lot of the "hopefuls" that tryout for American Idol are not very good. Fortunately, I don't have the "privilege" of listening to all of the auditions. If I did, they never would have been able to hold the auditions on one of those upper floors of whatever building they were at over there in Boston because the temptation to hurl myself out of one of those plate glass windows would have been too strong to overcome at times. But when you hear how horrible some of the "hopefuls" are, you wonder why they are there in the first place?

Now, I firmly believe that some folks know that they are awful and that they are there simply to get on TV (because apparently, it doesn't matter what you're on TV for, if you're on TV, then that is automatically supposed to be "good". Armed robbery, horrible singing, kicking bunnies, etc. It doesn't matter. But if you're on TV, then you've scored! Idiots....)

But I also firmly believe that there are folks who think that they are fantastic, which is why they're trying out for American Idol in the first place. They are convinced that they are going to go into that audition and come out as the next heir to the American Idol throne (which is currently occupied by....um....Kris Allen? Yeah! That's it! Kris Allen!). And the reason that they are convinced of this is because their entire family has lied to them over the course of several years and told them how "good" they were, when in reality nothing could be farther from the truth.

Those people are awful. They should never sing again for the rest of their lives and with some of them, it's really questionable as to whether or not they should ever talk again either. So why are they trying out for American Idol? Because they think that they can sing because (probably well-intentioned) folks have lied to them their entire lives and told them that they're good. And when you convince someone of something that isn't true and then it has to come to light that it isn't true, well, there are consequences, my friend. There are consequences.

And in the case of those who think that they can sing, the main consequence is that the rest of us have to be put through the trauma of having to listen to them attempt to croon some sort of melody that only comes out sounding like a cat in a blender. (No offense to any cats in blenders out there.) Who is that good for? It's not good for me. It's not good for you. It's not good for them. And it certainly isn't good for the cats.

And this is what can happen when you don't quash someone's dreams and/or delusions at an early stage. Below is, quite possibly, the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life (and I've watched American Idol since Season One!). Seriously, who thought that this was a good idea? The band director should be fired...at. That's right. Physically shot. What did Journey ever do to that band?! I'm guessing nothing! There's no reason for this. None. It's horrible. Did anyone think it wasn't horrible? I can't imagine.

See what I mean? You cannot tell me that the chick singing that song is going to be watching that video the day after and thinking, "Man! I rocked!" No. That can't happen. (The fist pumps only made it worse for me.) Who thought that was a good idea? You know, to have her sing. (She was singing, wasn't she? It's so hard to tell.) Were there no other aspiring "singers" in that graduating class? None? What about a trained seal? Some sort of barking dog? Anything really.

But why did it happen? Likely because someone (lots of someones, probably) couldn't tell someone else "no". No one could find the guts to say to anyone "Um, she can't sing. You? Yeah, you! You can't sing." NO one could say that. I find it astonishing. She was SO bad, wouldn't the thought of not saying anything and the realization that you're going to have to actually listen to that be motivation enough to pipe up and say something?! I guess not, but it's a shame. And let this just be some sort of lesson or reminder or incentive to all of you out there who are tolerating a horrible singer in your life. Say something now, lest the rest of the world be subject to that same sort of otic atrocity.

One more thing. Kudos to the band for being able to play at all with that singing right in front of you. I don't know how you guys did it. You're amazing. Happy graduation. It's over.

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