Posts That Practically Write Themselves

I swear, some days, this thing practically writes itself. With a headline of "Sexy dancer too old, man tells police", I can practically take the day off. It's one of those rare times when snarky commentary almost isn't needed. Almost.

According to the citrus-y folks over there at the Orange County Register, "A man...called police at about 4 a.m. Monday after a woman he found on Craigslist took money from him without "providing proper services and he feels this is improper". A woman he found on Craigslist? Well, this can be nothing but untoward, can't it?

Correct. According to the article, "The man had contacted a girl from a Craigslist ad with a picture and a phone number. She was to perform a "sexy dance" for $200, money paid up-front". Uh-huh. A sexy dance, was it? For $200, cash money, was it? I see. Soooo, she was a hooker. What else?

Well, this may shock you, but sometimes, those pictures that people post of themselves all over the Internets? Yeah, sometimes, those pictures don't look anything like the actual people themselves! I know! Who'd a thunk it? That kind of seems to be the case here. See, "The girl that arrived was older than the girl in the picture, "causing the informant to reconsider". OK, that part I kind of get. I really wish that I knew "older than what", though. I mean, if he was expecting Rue McClanahan and ended up with Betty White, I think that's about even. But if he was expecting Lindsay Lohan (who seems to be running out of cash and might just find herself in the "sexy dance" category on Craigslist sooner than we might think) and he ended up with Courtney Love (who actually might end up with Lindsay Lohan the way things seem to be going for her lately), well, then I could see the reconsidering. Actually, any one of those four women showing up at my front door would have me heading for the hills. Especially if it were Rue McClanahan, considering she just died a few weeks ago.

But here's the part that I don't really get: "When he told the girl to keep $20 for gas and give him back the rest of his money, the girl refused and left with the entire $200." So, let me get this straight. He's expecting a young woman who is going door-to-door and performing "sexy dances". He gets an old woman who claims to be able to perform a "sexy dance". He PAYS her $200. And then what? Then he opens his eyes?! Why did he pay her at all if she wasn't what he expected? Was there some sort of magic that was promised along with this "sexy dance"? I mean, I could see paying $200 for something that was a little more than just a dance, and magic would be worth it. Changing from an old broad into a hot, young, dancing chick would seem to be worth at least $200. But since there has been no mention of any anticipated magic up to this point, I'm going to have to assume that was not the case.

Strangely, however, "Police said no one was arrested because there is no law against a "sexy dance." Deputies did not make contact with the woman from the ad, and it appears she kept the money". Yes, I realize that there are no laws forbidding the "sexy dance". But she didn't dance! She showed up and took $200 and on top of that, she was old! Very strange indeed.

But wait! There's more! "The man – whose mother was there and was "angry about it as well" – decided not to file a report". Oh. My. God.

How old IS this man, exactly? And why was he ordering a Craigslist sexy dancer when his mother was there? And why was his mother informed of said sexy dancer that he would be paying $200 for? She was angry about it as well? Did she help pick her out? What the hell is going on down there in Orange County? You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know. I'm suddenly on the side of the elderly sexy dancer.

Let me tell you what really happened. The guy hooked up with this chick on Craigslist who was a hooker. I'm going to have to guess that his mother wasn't home at the time. The mom must have come in shortly after the money exchanged hands, but definitely before any swapping of bodily fluids (and most likely chlamydia) took place. The dude came up with the "sexy dance" story because that would be more acceptable to his mother than "I got a hooker". He wanted his money back. The chick knew that he'd never say that she was a hooker because of his mom being there and all, so she just took off. Seems reasonable. Yeah, I'm definitely on her side.

And this, kids, is why you never order women off of the Internets, especially if you're expecting your mother to return home shortly. Back to you.

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Father of the Year Front Runner

I believe that we have a front runner candidate for Father of the Year. I mean, it's really going to be hard to top a guy who takes funds that were donated to his only surviving son (after the rest of his family, his girlfriend and two other children, were killed in a house fire) and spends all of the money within three months on such expenditures as hookers. Um, wait. What now?

Correct. Meet Tubal Eduardo.

Mr. Eduardo experienced an unbelievable tragedy on March 12, 2007, when his girlfriend, Heather Marchie and two of his three children, Tubal Jr., 5, and Angelina, 4, were killed in a fire in the home that they shared with Mr. Eduardo and with his third child, a one Noah (who appears to have been around 3-ish). Now, according to NJ.com, after said tragedy, there was a fundraiser that was arranged by the "...parent-teacher association at the Weston School". Apparently, one of the children who was killed in the fire had been attending that school prior to death. The funds raised were to go into an account for Noah and were to be used so that Noah would be able to have something for his future. It was a very nice gesture, really.

But what was not so nice of a gesture was this alleged scumbag allegedly siphoning the funds for his own personal use. According to WCBS-TV, there was $38,000 raised for little Noah. As of the filing of court papers for this unimaginable act, there was $114.27 left in that account. Hmm. Seems to be a little short, doesn't it? Yep. It does. I wonder where it went?

Well, if you consult another article by the fine folks over there at NJ.com, you'll learn that allegedly some of the funds, "at least $7,107 went to First Professional Referral Services." Um, what's a professional referral service? "I believe it’s an escort service," said a one Detective Michael Schutta in court. Oohhh. I see. (Referral service? What are they referring people to? Free clinics? Penicillin, perhaps?) I wonder what kind of hookers these were? I mean, were they regular, couple hundred bucks an hour, hookers? Or were they like Eliot Spitzer's whores who could run thousands of dollars? It's hard to say which one would be better if you had to choose. The whole idea is completely reprehensible.

So, let me get this straight. This guy loses his girlfriend and two of his kids in a fire. He and his little baby son survive. The kind, kind people at his deceased child's elementary school hold a fundraiser for the surviving child. They raise 38 grand. (They do allot 5 grand for the father, by the way.) And this guy takes the money and buys hookers with it? Are you kidding me?! How does one excuse that sort of behavior?

I don't know how "one" excuses it, but I know how his defense attorney is excusing it and it is absolutely despicable. According to a one seemingly horrible individual, a one defense lawyer Maureen O'Reilly, "...her client had just endured a tragedy. " Huh. When my dad died, I considered that to be a tragedy. I didn't siphon money from a (non-existent) fund and go get myself a bunch of hookers. I mean, I was pretty overwrought at the time, but not money-stealing, hooker-hiring overwrought, you know?

This awful human being also makes sure that we understand that after the fire, "Eduardo had nothing" and that"A good part of his family was gone." Yeah, I understand that. Get to the part where it's OK to steal from your son in order to buy yourself some hookers. Get to that part. "Mr. Eduardo used the funds in order to live," she said. Among the purchases was an 8-year-old car. "I hardly believe that's living the high life." That's not the part I was expecting.

I don't give a crap as to whether he purchased an 8-year old car or an 8-year old child! (He had just lost almost his whole family, don't forget. Child purchasing, while wrong, might have seemed more warranted.) The point is that it wasn't his money! What part of that don't you understand, you soul-less, reptilian, defense attorney, you?!

Aside from the hooker funding, there were also "$14,346.75 in cash withdrawals, and $2,472.22 for food, gas and lodging." That "food, gas and lodging" I'm assuming is hooker related. I'm wondering if the whole "He bought an 8-year old car" defense is what explains the nearly fifteen grand in cash withdrawals. Do we next get to hear about how stupid he was that he paid that much for an 8-year old car? I can't imagine that we will (and I pray to God that we don't).

It would appear that all that this scumbag can get is a five year jail sentence if he's found guilty. Granted, anything can happen (innocent until proven guilty, remember!). But if he's found guilty, it's up to five years in jail. That seems like an awfully short period of time for someone who was stealing from his little boy who had survived a fire that killed the majority of his family. It seems like not quite long enough. Definitely the front runner for Father of the Year. Definitely.

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Odd Keyword Searches

People find this blog by a variety of means. (And God bless those Google boys.) But regardless as to which search engine they are using (and the majority of the time, it is a search engine), they have to put in keywords to find what they're looking for. As I have a little program called Stat Counter which keeps track of a multitude of things for me here at the blog, I am privy to what the keywords are that people are searching for. It's usually pretty easy to tell what's in the news on certain days because a lot of searches will have keywords pertaining to a hot news item. But other days, the search keywords just look like a cornucopia of crap with a one way ticket straight to this blog. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm going to share with you some of the search terms that brought folks here yesterday. Let's begin.

I had two requests for "rachel raye naked red tube". I don't even know what in the hell that could possible mean. Red tube? I can assume that they mean the cute and perky little cooking chick, Rachel Ray, but I have no idea what in the world the "red tube" is referring to. I can't even guess. Whatever. I certainly hope that this blog post helped them out: The Possibility of the Misperception of Scarves

I had a couple of chicken queries yesterday. One was for "chicken says weatherforcast". (Thank God that people don't need to know how to spell, nor separate words in order to find this blog.) The other was for "one legged chicken". Oddly enough, both of those inquiries were likely directed to this post: Today's News - Now With Chickens!

I receive an unimaginable number of hits from people looking for whores in London. Whores in London. Hookers in London. Prostitutes in London. People want to pay for sex when they're in London, that's for sure! Cheap whores in London. Cheapest hookers in London. Oddly enough, I get almost no inquiries for things like "How to tell if I'm riddled with chlamydia after a trip to Europe." Almost never. But I have gotten plenty of mileage, thanks to the wonderment that is the European hooker, out of this post: Economical Hookers In London. (In fact, if you Google "hookers in london" the first result will be this blog! That's a fact that brings me an equal amount of pride and shame at the same time.)

There's not a day that goes by that someone doesn't inquire as to whether or not Annette Funicello is dead. I don't know why that is. Seriously. No other celebrity on my end of things has had their mortality wondered about than Annette Funicello. I cannot explain it. Nope. Can't even come close. And the post that folks are directed to, Who Are These People & Why Are They Hot?, isn't really going to help you understand that either. But I'm here to tell you, she's alive. And I'm also here to tell you, you'll know when she's dead.

Sometimes the search terms just make me laugh. There was "i got tricked to pose nude on chatroulette" that just made me howl with laughter. Really? Tricked? By a computer? Man, do I want to know the back story on THAT one. What really has me confused is that came up not once, but twice. There are at least TWO morons out there who, inexplicably, took off their clothes with their webcam activated as they were logged onto Chat Roulette. Wow. Who are you people? And why are you looking to blogs for what to do about what ails you? Put your damn clothes on and read a book, for cryin' out loud! "what do you mean by nope" was another one that was quite a head scratcher for me. What does that even mean? Nope means nope! Nope! It's not like it's all cryptic or anything. It means nope! Odd, yet hilarious.

Look, the point to all of this is that regardless as to how you found this blog and whether or not you found it with or without your clothes on, I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks

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