Please Win

The 49ers play today. The last time that the 49ers were in the NFC Championship game, it was 1994. So while I have technically been waiting for this game for the past week, theoretically, I have been waiting for this game for the past eighteen years. And I don't want to do anything to jinx it. I'm just going to have happy thoughts. And what better way to induce happy thoughts than a golden retriever who likes guitar music. Behold! (And please win.)

moreless

Rare Halloween Sightings

I am borrowing liberally (Translation: damn near stealing) from Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live for this one. Things that we will get to see on Halloween will include pets dressed up in costumes. That provides us all with the rare opportunity to see a bumblebee taking a dump. Behold!

moreless

Have You Seen My Dog?

It's not very often that I read a headline and really don't know where to start. I mean, I know there has to be a starting point somewhere in the midst of all of it, but it's like my brain demands to know everything all at once! Such was the case with a headline appearing across the pond in The Telegraph, which read "Transvestite had sex with a dog at English Heritage castle". Ah-HA! See? You felt the same way, didn't you? Had to know it all at once, didn't you? I knew it!

I found the sub-heading to be of little help, as it read "A transvestite had sex with a dog in the moat of an English Heritage castle". Yes, we know that. We just read that. OK, the part about the moat was new. But other than that, it's pretty much the same. No need to repeat. But, my God, what is wrong with you, sir?

According to the article it would seem that the owner of the pet was with a friend and taking a stroll around the castle. The article states "...the pair spotted the lone transvestite on the morning of Saturday July 10th at around a quarter to twelve." The lone transvestite. That was important because...they usually travel in packs? What's more than one transvestite? It can't possibly be a pride, can it? Not much there to be proud of. Um...a gaggle? A gaygle? Help me out here!

In case you were wondering, said transvestite "...was wearing a black dress and walking around the steep-walled, empty moat." No word on what kind of shoes or bag, if any. But a black dress on a beautiful Saturday morning? Seems a bit somber to me. Not as somber as what was about to happen, but still pretty somber. When the transvestite saw the two women, he ran away (as they are known to due in their natural habitat). But it's later where things really start to pick up. That's when "...one of the dogs chased after the man; by the time the women had caught up, the man was having sex with the pet." Good Lord. So many questions. So, SO many questions.

I'm going to assume that this was a rather large dog. Though I don't know why I'm jumping to that conclusion. I think it's because as unpalatable as human-dog sex is, it is somehow more tolerable when it's a larger creature. Something small like a chihuahua just seems especially wrong. Huh. You wouldn't think that there would be varying degrees of wrongness when it comes to having sex with a dog, but apparently, there are.

My main question is how long did it take these women to find the dog? That is one dog-screwing transvestite that doesn't mess around, let me tell you. Gets right down to business, that one does. Did the mood just strike him or something? Seriously, who sees a dog running past them when they're cross dressing in a black dress whilst wandering about the outside of a castle and thinks, "I'm gonna get me some of that!" Holy canoli, man. And what do you say when you encounter something like that. "Stop that" just doesn't seem like enough, you know?

The article goes on to say that the man was restrained by the castle staff while they called the police. That'd be hard to do. I don't know that I would want to physically restrain someone who had just been making sweet, sweet love to a canine beast. I realize that it was completely necessary, but I wouldn't have liked it. Those staff members should have got the rest of the day off after that. Or a particularly tasty scone to go with their lunch or something.

In case you were wondering the castle in particular was Pendennis Castle. That's too close to some weird spelling or insinuation of "penis" if you're asking me. I'm not implying that they were asking for it. I'm merely noting the coincidence of it all. Regardless of the name, Pendennis Castle "...is a popular family tourist attraction and was heaving with visitors in high season." That's not all it was heaving with. It seemed to also be heaving with a fair amount (in this case, ANY is a fair amount, even if it's only ONE) of animal fornicators.

But get this: "He was escorted home and later made a "full and frank confession", and received a caution for outraging public decency." Escorted home?! That's IT?! A guy wearing a dress does it with a dog in the moat of a castle and he gets a ride home?! What on earth is going on over there?! You don't lock up or at least arrest your petophiles over there? (I know. Bad pun. But I couldn't resist.) Just drove him home and gave him a stern talking to, eh? Wow. All right then. Anything else we should know?

Just that "A spokesman for English Heritage said: "This was a very rare incident". You think?! Did he feel the need to say that because he was worried that Pendennis Castle was going to get some sort of misappropriated reputation for being the sort of establishment where transvestites do it with dogs all the time?! Was that the fear? A very rare incident. Well, I should certainly hope so! Good Lord....

moreless

Bork, Bork, Bark!

I think we've all been lonely at one point or another in our lives. But now, with society immersed deep within The Internets, there are plenty of cures or solutions for that loneliness. There's craigslist. There's Match.com. There's eHarmony. And in the case of one fellow, there was the pound. Wait. Ew! Wait. Wait! What now?

Meet 21-year old (and old enough to know better) Laszlo Arsenio Horvath. Behold!

According to the Orlando Sentinel, Mr. Horvath was arrested back in July after he took his dog, an 8-year old whippet named Silvy, to the vet. The dog was suffering (probably literally) from various injuries (of which I will let you connect the dots provided forth in this tale) and Mr. Horvath, rather than pay to have the dog cared for by the vet, declined to do so and instead abandoned the dog. Silvy was later put down.

Apparently, when an animal croaks it in the care of a vet, the do a pet autopsy (a necropsy) on the creature to determine the cause of death. In this case, there was an unexpected twist in the investigation when the necropsy revealed human DNA inside of the dog (again, I'm going to let you put two and two together). This, aside from being unexpected, was illegal. I realize that may be surprising to some of you considering it was in Florida that this sordid tale occurred, but apparently they do have some common sense down there and they actually do forbid this sort of activity. Thank God. (Again, however, you wouldn't really know it if you've either a) encountered many Floridians or, b) read this blog.)

Anyway, Horvath was subsequently arrested for sexing up his whippet (and not in a good way) and was sentenced to house arrest. That was in July. Fast forward to October 22nd when he went back to court. Well, good news! He gets to attend culinary school! Wait. What??

Correct. Culinary school. See, apparently, being on house arrest was a bit of a cramp in Mr. Horvath's style. See, he claimed that by having to stay at home all of the time, it didn't enable him to get a job or attend school, specifically culinary school. To which I say, by God YES!! YES, that IS what "home confinement" or "house arrest" means! It means, by the nature of the term "home" and/or "house" that you do not get to go anywhere! Good Lord, was I just almost defending Flori-duh a few moments ago. I believe I was. I take that back. It's still Flori-duh and there's a reason why stories about dog rapists come from there. What is wrong with people?

You know where else would have made it difficult for Mr. Horvath, the dog rapist, to attend culinary school? That's right, jail! JAIL makes it really difficult to go out and attend culinary school! How come this guy isn't in jail?! That guy in South Carolina who was serial raping that horse was in jail! Why isn't this guy in jail? Oh, right. Flori-duh. Duh.

The Sun-Sentinel reported that Mr. Horvath, after confessing to sodomizing the unsuspecting whippet, said that he did so "because he was lonely". That, naturally, leads back to my opening statement of how there are services out there for the lonely that do not involve canines nor the sodomization thereof! But I guess perhaps the "loneliness" might have been taken into consideration when allowing this sickass to attend culinary school. Perhaps the hope is that he'll meet some two legged mammal there which will willing have sex with him. Granted, if they ever find out about his previous girlfriend, there probably won't be a huge chance for a whole lot of sweet, sweet lovin' in his future, but you never know. Again...Flori-duh.

But before I get to the best part, let's briefly review. We have a guy fornicating with his dog to the point where the dog needs to be put down. The guy is on house arrest for said doggiemization. Clearly, this is an individual with some serious issues and the apparent lack of ability to distinguish between man and beast. Now he's being sent to culinary school where he and all of his good judgment will be surrounded by knives and other sharp objects (hopefully which his fellow classmates will use to arm themselves with after julienning their carrots). With me so far? Good.

During the hearing, "prosecutor Steve Kerestes asked that Horvath receive a mental evaluation. The judge agreed, asking that it be done within the next two weeks." Wait. What? Two...two weeks?! But you're letting him roam freely about NOW!! Why hasn't this been done before now? How time consuming can it be to do a mental evaluation with a man who has sex with his dog because he is lonely?? I realize the courts are backed up and all, but seriously, Flori-duh! This evaluation couldn't possibly take more than five minutes. Here, let me help! Let's see...um...21-year old...male...Flori-duh...ooh....what's this?....sex with a dog?....Demented, perverted, serious sexual issues, severe mental issues, inability to care about right and wrong. Evaluation done! Defendant is hereby banished to a desert island. Next case!

moreless