He Doesn't Have Cats

There are a lot of different people in the world. Some are nice, some are not so nice. But here's my take on all of them: Just be who you are and don't try to hide it and while I might not like you, I will at least respect you. You could be the world's biggest bitch or biggest d**k and as long as you don't try to pretend like you're not, I'm good. It's when people who are clearly d-bags try and act like they're not. Those people I have a problem with.

Take Newt Gingrich. His giant pumpkin head aside, he is one who will not embrace his d**kishness. And it's nothing new. Let's remember that at the time of the Clinton impeachment hearings (which you'd have thought were about Clinton getting all Lewinsky-ed in the Oval Office, but were actually not about that at all), Newt was being extremely sanctimonious about the whole ordeal and the entire time that he was doing so, he was cheating on his wife! That's a d**k move if there ever was one. Does he hang out with John Edwards? I think that the two of them would get along just swell together.

Well now, one of his ex-wives has come out with a 'revelation' that she thinks will ruin his quest for the Republican nomination for President. This would be a one Marianne Gingrich, also known as Wife Number Two. (I think she was the second wife. I'm just not sure if she was the wife that he left when she had cancer or if she was the wife that he left when she had MS. See why I think he'd get along so well with John Edwards?) Why she is just coming out with this now is beyond me. But I'm guessing that what she has to say is probably true since after she announced that she was going to make an announcement, Newt swung into full PR mode and had his daughters make statements. One usually doesn't call out the daughters unless they're worried about something. And I could see why this might worry him a little.

The point here is that Marianne Gingrich said that when she was married to Newt and found out that he was having an affair, he not only declined to end the affair, but he also asked her to agree to an open relationship. That's right. Oh, and did I mention that less than 48 hours after asking her to agree to this (she declined, by the way) "...he gave a lecture to the Republican Women Leaders Forum titled, "The Demise of American Culture" in which he decried the way liberals "talk about values." Yeah, he did.

Look, there are a lot of reasons why Newt is un-electable and this is just one of the reasons why he can't be trusted with the nomination. He had to step down as Speaker of the House because of ethics violations, for crying out loud! Does this open marriage request thing surprise anyone? It doesn't surprise me. What surprises me is that people are surprised that someone who has proven himself to be grossly unethical, cheated on his wife and wanted an open marriage, all the while preaching morals and values to the rest of the world. I wonder why she's coming out with this now. And really, I'm a little disappointed that this is all that her information holds. I think I was hoping she'd say something like Newt was a cat hoarder and had 100s of cats living with him. That would have been awesome.

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E! Channel Presents...

Last night, Saturday Night Live covered Kim Kardashian's 72-day marital union. It was highly amusing (which is why I've included it below). I was really glad that they at least touched on the fact that Bruce Jenner's face never moves. (Where are all of these celebrities finding the worst plastic surgeons ever? Down by the docks? In a van down by the river? All of them look permanently surprised.) And when you watch it and it seems really bizarre and comical, it becomes even more so on both counts when you realize that it's really not too far from the truth. It's practically a documentary.

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72 Days Of Cluelessness

Let's start off November with Kim Kardashian, shall we? Well, you and I will be starting November off with Kim Kardashian. Kris Humphries on the other hand, will not. Kim, as you may or may not be aware, is famous for being famous and has parlayed that oddly established fame into somewhat of a money machine. At her wedding just a mere 72 days ago, she actually made money on the nuptials as all of the businesses and people that do weddings wanted to essentially sponsor the grand event. But here's the kicker: After 72 days of wedded bliss, Kim has decided that she's had enough and has filed for divorce. 72 days. That's all she could muster up. Just a little over two months. On one hand, it's hardly impressive. On the other hand, it's pretty impressive. Her last marriage lasted four years. To give up on this one after barely nine weeks is definitely something.

The rumor mill (aka TMZ) claims that the reasoning behind the divorce is that her soon to be ex-husband, a one Kris Humphries, wanted to live in Minnesota and she wanted to stay in Los Angeles (to further her 'career', whatever it is). Call me crazy, but shouldn't they have maybe talked about this before all of the getting married took place? But here's my favorite part: Kim issued this statement about the marriage: "After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best.” OK, look, I don't think that you can say that you had hoped it was "forever" when you didn't even make it to Thanksgiving. Seriously, my Halloween pumpkin is going to have a longer shelf life than that sham of a marriage did. Forever? Please.

I'm also quite fond of "...sometimes things don't work out as planned". But that was the problem, cupcake. You didn't plan for anything. You planned to stay in Los Angeles and he planned to live in Minnesota. That's not much of a plan when it comes to a marriage. In fact, that's the opposite of a plan. I also don't buy the part about how it "...was not an easy decision". Of course it was an easy decision. Not an easy decision would be being married for twenty years and then having to decide if you're going to get divorced. I'm thinking that only being married for 72 days would make it really easy. ("Eh. Whatever. It's not like I wasted a lot of time on this marriage. I say I move on. Wow. That was an easy decision. Next!")

Uber-superficial people like the Kardashians amaze me. Don't get me wrong. Kim has done a fabulous job of building up brand name recognition for the Kardashians in general. Maybe she's a genius business woman. Then again, maybe she's just hot and she knows how to work it. I'm voting on the latter. And I'm also hoping that her failed marriage will send her into hiding for a while. Ah, but to dream....

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Which Will Last Longer?

I didn't have any Internet last night (it was like living in Darfur), so my apologies for today's lateness. Now, in case you've been living under a rock somewhere (and really, I would have rather been under that rock with you), you know that Kim Kardashian got married over the weekend to some basketball guy who spells his name like a girl (Kris). Behold!

Yeah, that's not a wedding picture because they sold the "exclusive" rights to their wedding photos to People magazine. So, there's that to look forward to. Or not. But here's where you, the reader, come in. I have a question for you: Which will last longer? Kris and Kim's wedded, blissful union....or this bag of spinach salad that I have in my refrigerator. Behold!


I haven't decided what the winners will get. Maybe the salad. It should still be good then, right?

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The Sad Cheater

Tiger Woods is just completely void of any human emotions, isn't he? Well, wait. Is horny an emotion? What about jackassery? OK, if those two count, then he has two human emotions. But if they don't, then he's just a freaking robot. A lying, cheating, home-wrecking, whore-loving, freaking robot.

Elin's divorce from Tiger was finalized a couple of days ago. Immediately afterward, People magazine announced that she had done an interview with them. There don't seem to be any huge revelations in the interview, just more of what we had all pretty much surmised. After all, how many ways are there to feel when you find out that your husband is a scumbag who has cheated on you with every porn star he could find? Not many ways that people aren't going to be familiar with, that's what I'm guessing.

And naturally, Tiger felt the need to address the issue in the only way that he seems to know how. That is, without any sort of feeling or emotion being expressed and by completely minimizing the entire situation. Here's what he had to say at a press conference at The Barclays golf tournament in New Jersey, according to People Magazine:

"It's a sad time in our lives. And we're looking forward to how we can help our kids the best way we possibly can. And that's the most important thing." Um, are you kidding me? It's a sad time? SAD? I don't know if sad is the word that I would choose. It's so minimal, considering that he slept with every whore out there (and even a few whores in there). I'm also taking issue with how the most important thing is his kids. Hey, Tiger! If the most important things were your kids while you were still married, perhaps you would have been such a man-whore and been doing the Perkins waitress! What a buffoon.

He didn't stop there with his hollow statements. "Asked if he was "relieved" with the split, Woods paused. "I don't think that's the word...I think it's just more sadness. Because I don't think you ever – you don't ever go into a marriage looking to get divorced. That's the thing. That's why it is sad." Good Lord, sir. Does he not understand that this isn't something that has happened to him?! It's not like you just suddenly found yourself divorced, you cheater! And you're right! No one expects what you bestowed upon your completely clueless and rather hot Swedish wife! Did you go into the marriage expecting to never get caught, cheater? He's so in love with himself, he probably did.

He did semi-allude to this possibly being his fault when he said, "My actions certainly led us to this decision...And I've certainly made a lot of errors in my life and that's something I'm going to have to live with." Once again, it's all about him. You know who else has to live with your "errors", you cheater? Your now ex-wife AND your children! And I don't know that they're going to grow up thinking that their father made some simple "errors" and that's why mom and dad divorced before they had even entered kindergarten. Cheater.

And in his final statement (for now) of completely not accepting responsibility OR reality, he said, "I certainly understand that she is sad...And I feel the same way." Oh, my God. Really? Really, cheater? I don't know that sad is a completely accurate description of how she is feeling. Betrayed? Lied to? Cheated on? Humiliated? Embarrassed? Duped? Deceived? I think she feels all of those in addition to being sad! And if Tiger does feel sad, it's simply because he got caught. Cheater. Are you going to dig up your dad's ol' bones again to ease some of your pain? Cheater.

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Keep Your Second Wife OFF Of Facebook

There's dumb and then there's just asinine. But what is it when you've gone past dumb and past asinine? Are you just so incapable of understanding anything at all and how it works that there isn't really a name for it? Or is the word that I'm looking for as simple as "idiot" or "moron"? It probably is, but this just seems like it require just a little bit more than either one of those. It's almost like the don't do the story justice, especially when the story is how a woman found out through Facebook that her husband had another wife. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to WKYC in Cleveland, the woman, "Megan" as she preferred to be called for the story because she didn't want her real name used (nor did she want her humiliation to be spread far and wide and directly attributed to her), married her husband in 2005 in a ceremony in Italy. (I have no idea why WKYC thought that was relevant to the story, but they included it and so I did the same. If only they had questioned the relevance as I had, they might not have felt the need to include it at all.) After that "She knew her husband took a lot of business trips. Now she knows why." And while that's not entirely accurate (it's not like he was really on business trips, WKYC. Try to pay attention, would you?), his being gone a lot was explained when "Her relatives pointed her to the other woman's Facebook page where Megan discovered multiple photos of her husband and the woman together." Oh. Whoops.

Yeah. Whoops. Now, it's not like "Megan" didn't have some questions about what was going on in their marriage. "Megan said she first became suspicious when her husband claimed to have been in China and even brought back gifts for the kids yet his passport had been at home the entire time." It's unfortunate that the story doesn't delve more into how that was deal with in Megan's household. It seems a little difficult to explain, as that passport for international travel is pretty necessary. (Unless you're going to the United States, in which case just come on in like millions of other folks do every year.) But the media is crap these days, so what did I really expect?

I'll tell you what I expected. I expected people to be a little more discerning about what goes on their freaking Facebook page. But I guess this sort of thing happens all the time. What a weak act you people are. Seriously. You don't have the guts to just leave someone or to tell them that you're leaving? Instead, you leave it up to them to "accidentally" find out through pictures that were posted on Facebook? Seriously. Would you not know that there are people on your Facebook who are relatives or friends with the one of the other people involved in this and who will be seeing what is on your Facebook page? Or that of the whore that you're sleeping with? What is wrong with you people?

And it's not like just having the affair and having those pictures posted was enough for this guy and his extramarital bimbo. No, "A few weeks later, dozens of wedding photos also showed up on Facebook showing Megan's husband and his new bride." Dude. You're already married. You think that isn't going to come out at some point? Let me rephrase that, you moron. You think that this isn't going to come out at some point AFTER pictures of your SECOND wedding are posted on Facebook while you're still MARRIED? How can one be so dense and yet somehow manage to keep themselves alive through adulthood? It's a mystery.

Naturally, Megan wants a divorce. Her husband, not being all that bright to begin with, says "he doesn't believe he needs a divorce because he learned after the fact that the marriage paperwork was never filed correctly in Italy and therefor they were never married." Tell you what. How about if you don't get a divorce, but you let Megan go all Lorena Bobbit on you? That seems fair.

Look, I don't know about you, but I cannot imagine having an affair if I was in a relationship, let alone if I were married. It sounds simply awful to me. Not because of the deceit that is obviously present when something like that is going on, but because of the effort. It sounds positively exhausting. Trying to keep stories straight, trying to keep lies straight, trying not to get caught, trying to keep everyone happy, etc. Good Lord, why on earth would anyone voluntarily enter into such a mess? And this guy got MARRIED. TWO wives! Isn't one wife enough?! Isn't one wife plenty?! Isn't one wife more than enough on some days?

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No Divorce For You!

Slowly, but surely, the government is injecting itself into almost every aspect of our lives. How we do things. When we do things. Why we do things. When did the American people suddenly become so incompetent that they couldn't make a decision on their own? I don't know either, but if we're not careful, we're not going to be able to decide when we want to get divorced if we live in Arizona. Wait. What?

Correct. According to the azdailysun.com, a one Rep. Nancy Barto (R-Phoenix) has sponsored a one bill HB 2650 which basically makes couples who want to divorce wait four months longer than they already have to wait. See, her theory is "....that requiring couples to wait 180 days will result in more people deciding they actually should stay together." Um...why?

She claims that in states where there is a longer waiting period, the divorce rate per 1,000 is 3.6 whereas in not-thinking-things-through-long-enough Arizona, the divorce rate per 1,000 is 3.9. OK, so that may be true. But thank goodness for Rep. Phil Lopes (D-Tucson), who piped up and said that what she's doing is that she's "...confusing correlation with actual causation". He also said that despite the statistics that "...there is no hard evidence that delays in granting divorce decrees actually keep couples happily married." And do you know what Rep. Barto had to say to that? You guessed it. She agreed with him. Wait. What?!

She agreed. There's no hard evidence that making people stay married longer when they're already expressed a desire to get divorced is going to actually make them decide to stay married. And Rep. Balto has been warned by a one Colleen McNally, a presiding family court judge for Maricopa County said "...that stretching out the process actually could be dangerous...domestic violence attacks actually increase the moment a spouse tries to get out of an abusive marriage." Yeah, see, I think that would be a problem. If you're forced to stay in a marriage and endure some beatings for an extra four months, that's not going to help the situation.

Adding to the ridiculousness of this idea (because you know there are supporters of it out there) are people like Deborah Sheasby, a despicable lobbyist. (I think all lobbyists are despicable, so it's not like I'm singling her out for anything, I just don't like lobbyists.) She claimed "...that in about four out of every five divorce cases, one spouse does not want out of the marriage." Yes, but see, that's why the marriage has to end! Because, in case you were absent on the day when we went over what a marriage entails, it would seem that both people need to want to be IN the marriage in order for it to be successful. Just because only ONE person wants to stay married is not really a very good reason in favor of the whole staying married idea. It's actually more of an argument for why they should get divorced.

Look, even though you can technically be granted a divorce in Arizona in as little as 60 days, that doesn't mean it's going to happen. The 60 days scenario is the "best case" scenario. If there is any negotiation, if there is any discrepancy as to who should get what, if there are children and/or property involved, or any number of other factors, you are not going to be fully divorced after the minimum 60 days has passed. Do the people that propose asinine legislation like this not see where the problem lies? I guess not. Perhaps I'll share it with them.

How about this idea instead: How about instead of making it so damn difficult for people to get divorced, why don't you make it a little more difficult for them to get married? Why is it so easy to get INTO something that is likely going to end up being the most life-altering decision that you can possibly make? Shouldn't that require a little bit more thought? Shouldn't that require a little bit more time to ponder and to plan for? How about this idea: People who go through pre-marital counseling BEFORE they get married get some sort of a tax break? People who are married and take some sort of marriage-stayin'-together class every other year get some sort of a tax break? I don't know. I'm just throwing stuff out there. It could be that requiring folks to wait before getting married is just as dumb as making folks wait before getting divorced, but I'm not so sure that it is.

If I thought that it were possible, I'd just say that the government needs to butt out of marriage all together. But since I know that's never going to happen (revenue, doncha know?), it makes more sense to me to have a longer waiting period before getting married than it does to have a longer waiting period to get divorced. I guess since it makes sense, that'll never happen either. Shame, too. I kinda thought I was onto something.

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Do You Have Any Jewelry? Nope, Go Fish.

Many relationships are unequal. Sometimes the guy puts more into the relationship than the girl. Sometimes the girl puts more into the relationship than the guy. Sometimes both are just lazy asses and nothing gets put into anything. (Wait. That sounds bad. Just by the nature of the relationship, you'd think that something has to get put into something. I mean, that's just....oh, look. Never mind. Where was I? Oh, right! The woman whose former common-law husband put more into the relationship than she did so that when they broke up, there wasn't anything for her to take back and so she fried up and ate his goldfish instead. That's right.

Wait. Wh...wha...um....what now?

Correct. Welcome to Pasadena, Texas, where the women are scarce and the cows are afraid. (OK, so maybe that's not the official motto, but it was probably in the running when they were trying to decide!) Now, you know that when a sentence contains the term "former common-law husband/wife" that it's going to be a tale of class and dignity. Of course it is. No, actually, when you hear the term "former common-law" anything, it's usually going to be a tale of the sort of domestic altercation that takes place in mobile home parks and involves individuals doing what is known as the "whiskey tango". Although this little gem of a story didn't involve the particulars, I have every reason to believe that at least one of the participants has danced the whiskey tango on at least one other occasion.

What we have here is a couple who have broken up after an elongated period of time spent living together until it became sooooo long that the state of Texas just considered them to be married. (It's like Texas's way of just saying, "Fine! You don't have to get up off of your ass and go down and get married. We'll just do it for you. OK, we're done. Congratulations.") And after the break-up, the guy did what a lot of immature individuals in a break-up situation did and he took back some of the jewelry that he had given the woman.

Oh, come on, man! You're going to give her jewelry but you're not going to give her a wedding ring and make an honest woman out of her?! What is wrong with you sir? Are you not familiar with the term "a gift"? "A gift" doesn't mean that you're letting someone borrow something of yours. It means you gave it away to them! Then again, he's probably unfamiliar with the concept of something being "given away". It's not like anyone "gave away" the woman to be his bride or anything.

The woman, being fully aware of what a gift is, went over to his place to reclaim her gift (also known as "what is hers"). The man, being fully aware of what a jackass does, refused. That's when the woman decided that what's good for the goose is what's good for the gander (or is it that it "takes one to know one"?) and probably would have taken back jewelry that she gave him, only I guess that there wasn't any. So she did the most reasonable thing she could in that sort of an awkward situation and took his seven goldfish.

Wait. She what? Took his goldfish? Took his goldfish how? Took his goldfish why? Is she a mermaid? Were they their children?

The "how" is unclear, but I'm guessing that she just picked up the bowl and carefully ran away with it.I don't know how you don't stop a woman from running off with a bowl full of your goldfish, but he didn't. Instead he called the police and they went over to the woman's place in search of the abducted water creatures.

According to the Houston Chronicle, Officers went to the woman's home to see if they could retrieve the fish. A one Pasadena Police Department spokesman Vance Mitchell said that the woman said, " ‘They're in there,' and pointed to the kitchen." Finding a plate with four fried fish, officers asked where the others were. The woman answered, “I already ate those." Well, then!

Seriously, what do you say about that?! Offer her some tartar sauce? A lemon wedge perhaps? Apparently, if you're the Pasadena Police Department, you don't say much. The fish, it would seem, were bought by the couple during happier times. Thus the fish were considered to be community property. Huh. Most couples buy houses or cars together. These folks bought seven goldfish. Either that or did really well at seven carnival games. (I'll bet her ex-common law husband can flick a mean ping-pong ball into a cup of water on a rotating tray. She's probably not too bad herself!) Mitchell said, “There was nothing we could do. If he wants to pursue it, it's a civil case.”

Are you sure about that, Officer? Are you sure it's a civil case? Sounds like it might be a bit of a psychiatric case to me. Definitely a nut case!

If I were to bet on this one, I'd bet heavily that she didn't really eat the other three. It's not like it isn't easy to dispose of goldfish. They're a disposable animal to begin with. I mean, I know that there's all different kinds of crazy out there, but is there really the goldfish eating kind of crazy? There might be, but I'm guessing that this is just the goldfish stealing kind of crazy that's going on here.

Say, where's PETA when you need them?! Though even if they showed up in this instance, the woman could have thought that PETA stood for People Eating Tiny Animals and it still would have turned out the same. Guess that man knew what he was doing when he didn't marry her-marry her, eh? If only he could have warned the fish.

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Family Man Jon Gosselin

If all goes well, when Jon & Kate Plus 8 returns to the programming schedule of TLC (formerly "The Learning Channel", but due to the minimal amount of actual "learning" taking place, it is now known simply as The Freak ChannelTLC) people will be so sickened by this whole debacle that the plunge in ratings will boot this exploitative freak show off of the air.

In case you're blissfully unaware of who these people are, well, I envy you. Jon and Kate are Jon and Kate Gosselin, a 30-something couple residing in Pennsylvania with their eight children, 8-year old twin girls and their just turned 5-year old sextuplets. The new season (which is inexplicably the FIFTH) was supposed to have kicked off in June and ran for 46 episodes (again, another inexplicable number), but instead the first episode aired and Jon and Kate announced that they were separating and would get a divorce. Talk about your plot twist!

Leading up to the non-shocking announcement, Jon and Kate were able to experience what it is like to become media and tabloid fodder, with rumors of Jon cheating on Kate with the 22-year old daughter of the doctor who did Kate's tummy tuck for free (after hauling six kids around inside of you for months on end, your skin tends to stretch out a bit, apparently). Jon, of course, vehemently (as much as a liar can be vehement about anything, that is) denied these allegations pre-separation. Post-separation he's been spotted canoodling with his little tramp in public. Oh, but wait. It was a DIFFERENT little tramp than the one that had been alleged when all of the alleging was going on.

The reasons for the divorce stemmed from Kate being a shrew and wanting to be this famous person who would do her globetrotting to various speaking engagements to talk about how wonderful of a parent she is and if she needs to give you proof then you can conveniently purchase her book at the same time that she is telling you how great she is. The reasons for the divorce also stemmed from Jon being less than enthusiastic about the television show and possibly even less enthusiastic than that about being a father to eight children at the ripe old age of 32. You could just tell that the guy's heart wasn't quite in it, but what was he going to do?

He was going to leave, that's what. And that he did. He seems to be awfully pleased with his own act, having finally learned how to "stand up for himself" instead of letting Kate just walk all over him. And at the same time, judging from his post separation behaviors, he also seems to have taken up new residence right smack dab in the middle of Fantasy Land.

Not only has Jon been out in public with the 22-year old Hailey Glassman, they went to St. Tropez together! Meanwhile, back at the sprawling family home, Kate was tending to their eight (yes, eight!) children. What's wrong with that picture? Plenty more than just him off in France with his free whore while his still-wife is at home with the kids. Whilst in the South of France and speaking with People Magazine on the phone, Gosselin had these heartwarming words to say about his family: "Every 10 minutes I keep thinking about the kids and missing them. Mady keeps calling me and asking me if I'm in France, but she doesn't understand where France is." Um, you sir, are a jackass.

So good to know that you keep "thinking about" your kids every 10 minutes. That TOTALLY makes up for you not being there! Sure! And your kids? All eight of them? They're TOTALLY fine with it. Right? NO!!! Of course not you idiot! And while I'm on the subject, your daughter doesn't need to know where France IS, moron! That's not what she's saying! She's saying that her Dad isn't there and she wants him to be! Are you really THAT out of touch with what your kids want and need?

He must be because it apparently isn't enough for the eight children to have to have their parents go through a divorce AND do it on national TV in front of the country, not to mention on the Internet in front of the entire world. I hope that TLC is not only compensating them fairly for this show, but also providing them with free lifetime therapy, as they're going to need it.

Now their Dad gets to run around with his little tramps in public and I'm sure that they'll be able to view that on the Internet if not currently, then someday. That'll sure be a treat for them, won't it? Oh, yeah! And as for Hailey Glassman, well, let's just say that she's the anti-Kate. Naturally pictures of her in all of her glory finally surfaced. Just wait until the children run across these online one day. Behold! Glory!

But wait! There's more!

More? More whores! Let's see how many chicks Jon Gosselin can bed in the first few months after separating from his wife, Kate! In fact, let's see how many chicks he can miraculously cajole into sleeping with him that have the same name as his wife! Well, we're up to ONE so far (which is a little creepy, if you're asking me). Next in line after the 22-year old! Someone a little bit older! This one is 25!! Woot! Woot! A one Kate Major! Behold!


(What's up with the hair? Does she carry a wind machine around with her in case a photo op should happen to take place? Whose hair does that?!) Where'd he come up with this one? Would you believe me if I said that she was a reporter for Star Magazine that went to do a story on him and, in her words "I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did. I went to do a story on Jon and ended up falling for him." That according to The Hollywood Gossip. Is it any wonder that she's denying that she used to work as a call girl?

Yeah, he goes for the folks who just SCREAM 'classy'. Which is the ONLY thing that can explain who Jon was hanging out with last weekend. That's right. The name that is synonmous with classy, Michael Lohan. Behold!

If that isn't proof enough as to what a media whore Jon Gosselin has become, then I don't know what else to tell you. Michael LOHAN?? Are you kidding me? That man is sludge. But he does know a thing or two about exploiting his children, that's for sure. Him and Jon should be able to swap stories for hours on end (probably in a jail cell if they follow Michael Lohan's usual path to greatness). Meanwhile, evidence of his continuing to live in a fantasy world presents itself when he told People "I'm just trying to concentrate on my family first, second my career. That's what I have to do."

Riiiiight. And the way to do all of that concentrating is to be hanging out in the Hamptons with Michael Lohan and an ex-stripper, ex-tabloid reporter blonde chick that you're shtupping. (She quit her job at Star Magazine so that she could be with Jon. Apparently, a tabloid like Star Magazine has some sort of ethical code or something and they felt that her boinking Jon would be a conflict of interest or something like that. Odd, eh? I thought so too.) Still in Fantasy Land, he added "I don't want to introduce anyone to my kids." Again, because there is NO way that they'll ever find all of this stuff on the Internet. It's so...obscure! Yeah, uh-huh. You sir, are a jackass. And not a very bright one at that.By the way, it was news to Hailey Glassman that Jon was with Kate Major. I know that's just a complete shock to the system to hear that, but apparently it's true!

I wonder if this is what he had in mind when he said that he's just trying to concentrate on his family. You know, do what's best for them. Like taking up smoking! Excellent choice! Very family oriented!

So, I think I've done a fairly good job of summing this one up for you. Jon Gosselin is a pig. Kate is still a shrew, but she's looking a hell of a lot better these days than her loser still-husband. Get a grip on yourself, Jon. (At least then you wouldn't be needing to sleep with any female you encounter.) Please disappear from the public radar and slink back into obscurity by just being a Dad to your kids so that they don't grow up to be more screwed up than they could possibly already be. And stop hanging around Michael Lohan, for God sakes. Have a SHRED of self-respect, would you? (Though if you must insist on hanging out with him, see if he can hook you up with Lindsay. I hear her and Samantha Ronson are back together and Sam Ronson would kick your doughy ass to the curb and I'd just really like to see that. Thanks!)

In the meantime, we'll all just hope the show gets cancelled, the kids get therapy and that Jon gets a life. Or at least a clue.

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