Toads On Craigslist

Yesterday, we had what might have been the shortest "sex scandal" in Congress ever. Seriously, the only way that you knew that anything had even happened is because suddenly the guy resigned. And it was only 3-1/2 hours after the whole thing came out! Then when you hear something like that, that's when you get to hear why he resigned. It's all just very odd. And I really don't think that it's much to resign about. But then again, at least we won't have to hear about it for weeks on end. I hope.

Here's the deal: There's a New York Representative named Chris Lee. Now, Mr. Lee is a married bloke and he wanted to have an affair. From what I can tell, he did not have an affair...this time. But then again, when you're caught doing something, you're rarely caught on your first time out. Whether or not he had affairs before trying to have this one is beyond me. (Translation: He's been cheating on his wife for a while now. Pig.)

See, he was trolling Craigslist looking for a hookup and ended up being enticed by "...a 34-year-old single woman of "black/Irish" descent, who had advertised online for a "financially & emotionally secure" man" according to the NY Post. (Black/Irish descent? Begorrah, M-F-ers! Yeah, that joke really works best if you use an Irish accent. It's pretty good without it, but the accent really hits it home.) She apparently had written: "Will Someone Prove To Me Not All CL [Craigslist] Men Look Like Toads". Oh. I see. So, you're too good for Craigslist, and yet you're on Craigslist. This woman is bothering me already.

Representative Einstein replied to said ad with: "Hi, Hope I'm not a toad. :)". I can only assume that is when he sent the following picture of himself. Behold!

Good Lord, sir. What is that look on your face? Were you recently anesthetized before taking that pictures? And seriously, when are people going to learn how to take pictures with their phone without actually having to point the phone IN the mirror?! What the what?! I really have no answers. He apparently also included in his reply (along with that sexy, sexy photo): "I'm a very fit fun classy guy. Live in Cap Hill area. 6ft 190 lbs blond blue. 39. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint." Oh. Sure. Yeah, you seem classy. Because nothing says "classy" like a married member of Congress taking a shirtless picture of himself in his bathroom. Oh, yeah. It reeks of class. Reeks. And I guess that "promise not to disappoint" means...can get an erection? I'm a little unclear on that part, so I'm really just surmising at this point. I can't think of much else, though.br>

Of course, we all know now that he is not 39 and he is not a lobbyist. He is 46 and he was a Representative for the state of New York. He was also married at the time. Whether or not that plays out for very long after this fiasco, we'll just have to wait and see. Then again, if I was his wife, it wouldn't be so much about the affairs as it would be about his way of going about them. "Here I am in my bathroom without my shirt. Am I a toad?" Ugh. What a tool.

He did send along an explanation of the photo that he sent, saying: "I just took this one . . . I'm relaxing at home." You're just relaxing at home? Who the hell relaxes at home like that? In their bathroom, still wearing their dress slacks and (probably) their loafers and completely shirtless? Apparently, he wants someone to believe that he does. The woman who had originally posted the ad had similar questions to mine, asking him: "So do you always send shirtless pics to women from cl?" Lady, you're trolling for dudes on Craigslist! You can knock off the little coy act. You're no saint yourself, you know. And while that question was pretty bad, his answer is even worse.

The dude answers her and explains: "Sorry. It's all I had." It's all you had?! You took a picture with your cell phone! What, you cell phone doesn't work any more? The days of those sort of excuses are gone. Long gone. There is NO excuse for not sending someone a current picture of yourself. There's also NO excuse for not sending someone a picture of yourself where you are be-shirted. You could have taken a picture of yourself while your shirt was still on! Does he not get this sort of logic? He apparently did not! Even if you put the cell phone part aside, why would the ONLY picture that you would have of yourself be one where you don't have on your shirt?! Maybe he's just routinely shirtless. "I don't even know where to find a shirt. It's been so long. I haven't worn a shirt in years!" What a maroon.

And that's that. Once word of him and his shirtless stupidity got out (when the chick figured out who he was because he was dumb enough to use his real name, she went running to Gawker.com and I'm guessing sold them her story just like you'd expect a gem like her to do), he resigned. It's over. But there is one little side note I'd like to leave you with. Back in 2009, "...shortly after he helped pass the Student Internet Safety Act" (you read that right), he "...wrote an op-ed piece warning kids about the dangers of the Internet." He wrote: "Responding to what may seem like a friendly e-mail . . . can have serious consequences...Private information and images can so easily be transmitted to friends and strangers alike." That's good advice, son. Good ad-vice.

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A Lesbian, A Ferret And A Missed Connection

I've always wondered if the 'Missed Connections' section of Craigslist ever works. I mean, if you happen to bump into someone in the grocery store and you think they're hot but you're too nervous to say anything to them and so you go home and post the basics of the encounter in the 'Missed Connections' section, does anything ever become of that? I can't imagine that it would. Sure, there's the whole blind squirrel finding a nut once in a while thing (and really, all that does for me is conjure up some image of this little squirrel wearing dark glasses with a white cane), but it is even that frequent that one would find who they are looking for via Craigslist in 'Missed Connections'?

Not only do you have to use Craigslist, but the person that you're looking for also has to use Craigslist. Then they have to be able to noodle through that you are, in fact, the person that they are talking about. I guess that the more detail that the searcher puts in his post then the more of a chance that the searchee would recognize themselves in said post. I suppose that if you do that, you're not supposed to worry about what everyone else will think if you put down those details that the object of your desire would connect with.

What is all of this leading up to? Naturally, it's a post on Craigslist in the 'Missed Connections' section. This particular post is out of Cleveland. I don't know if this sort of thing is common in Cleveland or what the deal is there, but it's definitely one of a kind, I'll tell you that much. If you can figure out what has gone on in this instance, more power to you. I'm still noodling the whole thing through, myself. Here's what we have: The post is titled "Britney with the ferret - m4w (Cleveland westside)" and it reads as follows:

I feel so stupid doing this

I am the ugliest guy you ever met and old

and you are the prettiest gal I have ever met and young

I know you are a Lesbian and have a wife

I am so attracted to you with my head, heart and................... well other parts as well

please tell me your ferrets name so I know its you

Um, OK. Wait. What now? So...it's a stupid old guy trying to find a married lesbian named Britney with a pet ferret? Is that what I'm getting from this? Wow. OK. I have SO many questions, I don't even know where to start. I mean, kudos to the guy for going out on a limb like he did. That takes guts. Now here come the real questions. How does he know all of this about Britney? Did she have her ferret with her during their encounter? Was her wife there? Is he aware of what a lesbian is? Does he know there is no need for capitalization? How old is old and how ugly is ugly? Am I the only one dying to know the name of the ferret?

I have to say, I really hope that this chick gets back to him. Britney, if you're out there, contact the old and ugly guy who has a thing for you (and possibly your ferret). It would make his day. And if you don't want to contact him, how about contacting me?! I'd love to know the name of your ferret, not to mention what in the hell went on over there in Cleveland between you two! Or I could just be your go-between. I will make this work! Drop me a line!

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Posts That Practically Write Themselves

I swear, some days, this thing practically writes itself. With a headline of "Sexy dancer too old, man tells police", I can practically take the day off. It's one of those rare times when snarky commentary almost isn't needed. Almost.

According to the citrus-y folks over there at the Orange County Register, "A man...called police at about 4 a.m. Monday after a woman he found on Craigslist took money from him without "providing proper services and he feels this is improper". A woman he found on Craigslist? Well, this can be nothing but untoward, can't it?

Correct. According to the article, "The man had contacted a girl from a Craigslist ad with a picture and a phone number. She was to perform a "sexy dance" for $200, money paid up-front". Uh-huh. A sexy dance, was it? For $200, cash money, was it? I see. Soooo, she was a hooker. What else?

Well, this may shock you, but sometimes, those pictures that people post of themselves all over the Internets? Yeah, sometimes, those pictures don't look anything like the actual people themselves! I know! Who'd a thunk it? That kind of seems to be the case here. See, "The girl that arrived was older than the girl in the picture, "causing the informant to reconsider". OK, that part I kind of get. I really wish that I knew "older than what", though. I mean, if he was expecting Rue McClanahan and ended up with Betty White, I think that's about even. But if he was expecting Lindsay Lohan (who seems to be running out of cash and might just find herself in the "sexy dance" category on Craigslist sooner than we might think) and he ended up with Courtney Love (who actually might end up with Lindsay Lohan the way things seem to be going for her lately), well, then I could see the reconsidering. Actually, any one of those four women showing up at my front door would have me heading for the hills. Especially if it were Rue McClanahan, considering she just died a few weeks ago.

But here's the part that I don't really get: "When he told the girl to keep $20 for gas and give him back the rest of his money, the girl refused and left with the entire $200." So, let me get this straight. He's expecting a young woman who is going door-to-door and performing "sexy dances". He gets an old woman who claims to be able to perform a "sexy dance". He PAYS her $200. And then what? Then he opens his eyes?! Why did he pay her at all if she wasn't what he expected? Was there some sort of magic that was promised along with this "sexy dance"? I mean, I could see paying $200 for something that was a little more than just a dance, and magic would be worth it. Changing from an old broad into a hot, young, dancing chick would seem to be worth at least $200. But since there has been no mention of any anticipated magic up to this point, I'm going to have to assume that was not the case.

Strangely, however, "Police said no one was arrested because there is no law against a "sexy dance." Deputies did not make contact with the woman from the ad, and it appears she kept the money". Yes, I realize that there are no laws forbidding the "sexy dance". But she didn't dance! She showed up and took $200 and on top of that, she was old! Very strange indeed.

But wait! There's more! "The man – whose mother was there and was "angry about it as well" – decided not to file a report". Oh. My. God.

How old IS this man, exactly? And why was he ordering a Craigslist sexy dancer when his mother was there? And why was his mother informed of said sexy dancer that he would be paying $200 for? She was angry about it as well? Did she help pick her out? What the hell is going on down there in Orange County? You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know. I'm suddenly on the side of the elderly sexy dancer.

Let me tell you what really happened. The guy hooked up with this chick on Craigslist who was a hooker. I'm going to have to guess that his mother wasn't home at the time. The mom must have come in shortly after the money exchanged hands, but definitely before any swapping of bodily fluids (and most likely chlamydia) took place. The dude came up with the "sexy dance" story because that would be more acceptable to his mother than "I got a hooker". He wanted his money back. The chick knew that he'd never say that she was a hooker because of his mom being there and all, so she just took off. Seems reasonable. Yeah, I'm definitely on her side.

And this, kids, is why you never order women off of the Internets, especially if you're expecting your mother to return home shortly. Back to you.

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Holy Crap! Best of Craigslist!

I have written before about how I love craigslist. It's the posts that make it into the "Best of Craigslist" section that are really more of an art than they are an online classified ad of some sort. I have figured out that in order for a post to make it into the "Best of" section, it really seems to help if the author is any combination of the following:

Frustrated

Funny

Desperate

Angry

Also, an extensive vocabulary is a must if you're striving for "Best of". Very extensive. Like the post below which makes use of the term "loquacious". I love that. It's hard to fit "loquacious" into everyday conversation, so I appreciate that this person managed to incorporate it into her ad.

On a first date: I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.

I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".

I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date: I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.

I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.

Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...

YOU MUST BE

of the caucasian persuasion

funny

loquacious

driven

single (that means not LEGALLY married)

under 38

over 23

not a baby-daddy

drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)

sarcastic

well-mannered, for appearances

able to leave work at work. this implies employment

educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)

NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE

act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...

Over one-night stands.

Very comfortable in my skin.

Unafraid.

Equally unashamed.

Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.

Able to say "no" and scream "yes".

Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL

bowl

play trivia

act like raging dickheads in public establishments

giggle at midgets

fornicate regularly

discuss books

drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often

laugh at others and harder at ourselves

one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT

involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.

yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset

be dishonest

care what everyone else thinks

do any activity with one another's family more than once a month

act like something doesn't bother us, when it does

throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

Bring your A-game, bitches.

No, I do not know what "Dirty Sanchez" is. Please don't ask. Hmmm. And after a moment of ponderance, please don't tell me what it is either. I don't think I want to know anything more about Sanchez and why he may or may not be dirty.

Over here in Minneapolis, one fine ad writer is offering up his services at the low, low price of only fifty dollars. Fifty dollars? To do what, you ask? Why, to teach your cat to walk on a leash. Maybe.

Well, there are no guarantees, but it can be done. I am a dog person by nature, but have slowly taught my cats to walk on a leash outdoors. So many people have stopped and said, "'I've always wanted to do that, how did you you do it?" that I figured I might try to pass on some knowledge for a minimal fee.

Walking your cat is great fun, and they love it. One of mine took to it right away and still sits meowing at the door to go out; the other, who I got when he was older, was terrified of the outdoors at first, but has come to love it. Most felines would love to be outdoors, smelling and feeling new things, even if they're scared at first. Most people just don't give them the chance.

Cats after three years old may not be able to acclimatize to the outdoors and all of its stimuli; some cats hate the harness; and others may just be housecats, pure and simple. Them's the breaks.

Teaching them how to walk takes time and patience, but it is rewarding. I should add that they rarely walk completely like a dog (i.e. your cat won't jog next to you), and will sometimes decide, "Hey, let's slow down and lay down here for a while, this bush smells good," you can train them to walk alongside you on a leash for long periods of time. Once they get that first taste, they love it.

And once you can do that, you can take your cat to the beach, to the park, to the lake, etc. A whole new world for them, and fun for you.

My fee for an hour or so of instruction is fifty dollars. I will bring one of mine over as a demonstration and talk to you about the various steps to take. I can't guarantee that your cat will learn to walk on a leash, but if it does your fifty will be well spent.

While I can appreciate the entrepreneurial nature that the above post comes with, if I'm going to spend fifty dollars for something that only might happen, I'm going to spend it in Vegas. At least then, even if what might happens doesn't, it will still have been enjoyable.

But what we have below is pure genius. What a guy. Sounds like he'd be a blast to have as a roomie. Click the image to make it larger. If it's not large enough, try over here at BuzzFeed and that should be plenty big enough for you.

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