Flying High

More drug smuggling. More things I don't understand. Seriously, how do people think that they're going to get away with such an asinine plan? More importantly, how do they even attempt to pull it off?

Case in point is these two dimwits who got arrested at Lima's international airport on Saturday. According to Yahoo! News, a one 37-year old Roxana Laercia and a one 28-year old Michael Eguonoghen were trying to board a plane. The problem is that most airlines have a problem with you bringing illegal drugs onto the plane. And they don't care what amount of drugs that you have. Drugs on a plane are frowned upon. That's why I'm guessing that those folks were none too happy when this chick tried to board with 24 pounds of cocaine that was stashed "...between her clothes". I'm afraid to ask how they found out that the guy had swallowed 3.3 pounds of heroin capsules.

HOW on earth does one shove 24 pounds of cocaine "between her clothes"? Twenty four pounds of anything is a lot of that thing! Think of a five pound bag of flour. They're heavy, right? Of course they are! They're five pounds of freaking flour! Now, substitute cocaine for the flour and try toting around five of those bags. Good freaking luck! And swallowing 3.3 pounds of anything is a lot of something to swallow. Wouldn't it have been easier for him to simply shove it up his out door cavity? I don't know if my stomach could handle 3.3 pounds of something in it. That's like thirteen Quarter Pounders. Granted, you couldn't get me to eat even one Quarter Pounder. I was merely making an analogy. It's a lot of heroin to down at one time!

Anyway, they got arrested and I got confused. It's not that I don't understand why people smuggle drugs. I do. I don't understand why they do it in such dumbass ways like the one described here. Oh, wait. They do drugs. That explains it. Don't do drugs, kids. One minute, you think you're just taking a harmless toke off of a joint. The next minute, you're downing 3.3 pounds of heroin and hopping a Peruvian plane to London. That's no way to go through life, son.

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Security Gropes Explained

Worried about flying somewhere for Thanksgiving? Not sure how to feel about getting groped by the TSA? Luckily, there's this handy video (who I must thank my friend, Julie, for posting on Facebook, otherwise I would still be in the dark about all of the procedures) to let you know what to expect when you're expecting to get felt up. You're welcome.

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Is The Groping Worth It

Way too many news stories focusing on the new TSA searches and pat downs. Way too many stories about people who are not happy with the more invasive body searches down by TSA employees. Way too many stories about the upcoming royal wedding. (Seriously. Does anyone really care about that sort of thing anymore? We were all duped into feeling like we should have given a fat rat's ass when Chuck married Di and look how that turned out.) But there aren't near enough stories about what the new TSA searches are supposed to accomplish.

All I read about is how passengers hate them. I have yet to read if they actually do any good. Now, maybe you have more faith in the TSA than I do and think that of course they do some good. But do they really? Seriously, the United States seems to be a bit reactionary whenever it comes to air travel regulations. Some guy tries to blow up a plane with his shoe? Next thing you know, we're all taking our shoes off. Some guy tried to put together a liquid bomb in mid air? Next thing you know, we can't take more than three ounces of any liquid on a plane. (No one has ever explained why three was the magic number in that instance. No, instead they just settled upon three and that's the way it has been ever since.) It's like there has to be an attempt first and then the policy will be fashioned. I'm not so sure that's the best way to go about this.

Here's the thing: All of these more invasive searches that they've been doing lately? Yeah. Those. Tell me, would they have been able to stop, say, the Grundle Bomber? You might also know him as the Underwear Bomber. Can they see stuff like that? I don't know. The reason why I don't know is that no one has answered that question. I'm guessing that they probably couldn't do much about something like that, but that's purely a guess based upon the little faith that I have in most government operations.

If the TSA would just come out and explain why these extra measures are necessary, perhaps some of the uproar would die down. The bottom line is that we all want to be safe, but we don't necessarily want to be groped by a stranger in order to be safe. And mind you, so far, none of the implements that have been, well, implemented have thwarted anything. Not one thing. All failed attempts haven't been taken down by the TSA. No, all failed attempts have been taken down in the air by other passengers. So, I'm not sure how feeling up my breasts, no matter how soft and supple they may be, is going to help thwart future attacks...especially since I'm not a terrorist.

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You Gotta Get Two Beers And Jump

Yesterday, it was all about my new hero, Steven Slater. I realize that 'hero' is probably not exactly the most accurate word to describe what he has become. He's more just like a guy that I really wish I knew and that I really wish I could have a beer with (preferrably the beer that he grabbed right before he slid down the emergency chute of that plane he had been working on). And I think that Jimmy Fallon felt the same way about the guy, which led to him composing and performing this lovely ballad in honor of the man. Enjoy it. Just be warned that the tune is going to get stuck in your head for at least a day and quite possibly for the rest of your life. It's catchy and repetitive (as is the unwritten requirement for ballads, apparently). And if anyone could explain to me what was with the woman who couldn't remember the line, I'd appreciate it. It wasn't that hard. In fact, it was downright simple. Was it stage fright? The pressure of the crowd? She seemed to be enjoying herself and she managed to get out almost half of the line before she lost confidence in herself. What happened there? Hard to say. Hard. To. Say. Oh, and if the video below doesn't play, click here to check it out. You won't be sorry. (At least, you won't be sorry until the 300th time that you've sung that song in your head. Then you might be a little sorry.)

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Steven Slater - My Hero

If you haven't heard the name Steven Slater by now, you will. And you will be glad that you did. This guy takes awesome to a completely different level. If you're going to give an impromptu resignation from your job, take some tips from Steven on how to go out in style.

See, Steven was a flight attendant working for JetBlue. The flight he was working had just landed at JFK when some idiot passenger does what at least one person does on every single flight that I've taken. They get up the second that plane hits the ground. Where do you people think that you're going? You're trapped inside of a metal tube. You're not going anywhere for at LEAST another five minutes and you're not getting OUT of the plane for at LEAST another eight minutes. Sit your ass down and wait until the freaking plane has at least stopped, you morons.

Seriously, you people jump for that overhead compartment as if it was on some sort of 'first come, first serve' basis, what are you thinking? It's not like there is going to be a better selection of luggage for you if you get the first. It doesn't work like that. It's not a sale. Generally speaking, you're supposed to exit the aircraft with the exact same bags that you brought onto the aircraft. What's your hurry?

According to the NY Post, Slater had an "...argument with a passenger, who sources said told Slater "to f--- off" after being told by Slater not to remove baggage from the overhead compartment." Granted, this flight originated in Pittsburgh and landed in New York, so I'm not overly surprised that this sort of individual was on the flight, but still. Do you really need to tell anyone that you don't know to f**k off? Especially when you're the one in the wrong? I don't think you do.

After that "The passenger insisted on opening the overhead compartment, hitting Slater in the head with the door as it dropped down." See?! This is why we don't do that. You moron. That was apparently the tipping point for our hero, Steven. As passengers were herding themselves (likely as always in the most ineffective fashion ever) toward the exit, our boy Steven got on the intercom and bellowed, "I've had it! To the f----ing ass---- that told me to f--- off, it’s been a good 28 years!" And it only gets better.

He then pulled the lever that activates the plane's inflatable evacuation chute. Nice touch. He then threw his bags down the slide, but before he slid down after them, there was one more thing he needed to make sure he took with him. That's right. He grabbed a beer off of the beverage cart and then slid down the slide to freedom. How awesome is that?

The tale doesn't quite end there. Steven grabbed his bags and kept a firm grip on his beer as he ran across the tarmac and caught the AirTrain to the employee parking lot where he got in his car and drove home. Just picture this in your head. Let's say your on the flight and you've just heard an airline employee cuss someone out on the intercom. Your interest would be piqued. Imagine how great it would be when you turned around to see what was going on and saw our hero, beer in hand, go sliding down that inflatable chute and then run across the tarmac! That might be the best thing I had ever seen in my life! It's one of the best things I've ever read about, I'll tell you that much.

Sadly, Steven's tale doesn't end there. No, according to the NY Post again, Steven had "...raced home to Belle Harbor, where he hopped into bed with his boyfriend." It is there and presumably in that position (or at least in some sort of position) that the cops arrested him and charged him with criminal mischief and reckless endangerment. Not a bad end to a pretty good day if you're asking me. You quit your job in style, get laid, get arrested and become an instant folk hero in the process. Well done, sir. Well done, indeed.

I hope that the tool who wouldn't sit down and who just had to get her bags out of the overhead compartment and told Steven to "f**k off" will face some sort of charge as well. Isn't that interfering with a flight crew or something like that? There has to be something. But even if there isn't, I think Steven is going to be OK. And I'm pretty sure that in the end he'll be a lot better off with this sort of a tale to follow him around. Who wouldn't want to be able to say that's how they quit their job? No one.

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If This Cockpit is a-Rockin....

Tell me something. When did it become permissible or acceptable or perhaps even advisable that one tell a lie that is so far from what the truth could possibly be that everyone knows it is a lie from the get go? You know the ones I mean. The lies that when we hear them, the first thing that we think is, "Yeah, right." Things like, "I haven't had plastic surgery." "My son is in a balloon." "I'm neither a Muslim, nor a Kenyan and can be your President." You know them. I'm going to give you a new one to add to that list. "We were having a heated discussion about airline policy." Wait. What now?

Correct. Let's go over to Minneapolis, Minnesota where Northwest flight 188 was supposed to have landed at 8:01pm last night. The plane was an hour and fifteen minutes late when it finally landed. And during that time there were many attempts to try to contact the pilots in the cockpit, but to no avail. The pilots weren't responding.

So what gives? There weren't air traffic problems. There weren't mechanical problems. There hadn't been a delay. There wasn't some strong headwind. But there's some wind blowin' now. According to the fine folks over there at MYFox - Twin Cities, the explanation from the two pilots (the regular and the co-) was that they had "...stated they were in a heated discussion over airline policy and they lost situational awareness." Um, wait. They lost what?

Lost situational awareness. It's a term that is used when you have just done something or are supposed to do something but don't remember doing it or having to do it. We've all probably done something sort of like this. Like if we're driving to work or to go home and we're thinking about something other than driving and suddenly, there we are! Home! We have no idea how in the heck we got there, but yet, there we are. We clearly drove ourselves there, but we "lost situational awareness" and were surprised when we realized we were home.

Say, Captain Words-A-Lot, are you trying to say "forgot"? The pilots forgot to land the plane? I don't think that happened. Seriously. How freaking heated could a discussion over "airline policy" actually get? Tell me this: What part of the "airline policy" were they in such a heated discussion over? I'll tell you what part of "airline policy" I wish they'd been in a heated discussion over. It's the part of "airline policy" that tells you to land the damn plane in Minneapolis and not fly 150 miles past the airport before you finally realize that you're in Wisconsin!

That's right. Wisconsin. Numerous attempts to contact the pilots failed and so the plane just kept right on flying until it was somewhere near Eau Claire (home of that tasty, creme filled donut. Oh, wait. That's eclair. Never mind. Carry on!), Wisconsin when the pilots finally responded. Wisconsin. What the hell? And you expect us to believe that they were arguing with each other? I can't possibly imagine. There are quite a few things that I can get into a passionate discussion with someone about, but I highly doubt that the discussion is going to cause me to completely ignore the twinkling lights of Minneapolis and not cause me to realize that the discussion is going to have to wait because we have a plane to land!

There is speculation that the pilots may have been asleep. Um, perhaps. Now, this is where I'd like to make the disclaimer that there are few things in life that I enjoy more than wild, rampant, irresponsible speculation and I will commence doing so now. Sure, they could have been asleep. I kind of don't have too much of a problem with that. I mean, there is that "auto-pilot" thing that seems to work pretty well and that's kind of what it's for; to pilot the plane automatically. However, the fact that no one else could get into the cockpit (to tell these dumbasses that those pretty lights down there are where they want to put the plane) because it was locked during this time, yeah that's troubling. But it's also...convenient. Hmmmm.

Now, I'm not saying that they weren't sleeping. They absolutely could have been. And nothing makes most people more tired and in need of a nap than a good heavy dose of fornication. Let's look closer at the statements of one of the pilots, first officer Richard Cole (brother of Nat King Cole, of course), who said that falling asleep "...wasn't the case. He also said an argument wasn't to blame." This according to MetroNews.ca up there in Calgary, Canada, America's Hat. Anything else you'd like to share with us, Rich? "All I'm saying is we were not asleep; we were not having a fight; there was nothing serious going on in the cockpit that would threaten the people in the back at all," he told The Associated Press in an interview at his home in Salem, Ore." And....? "He declined to discuss what exactly happened but did insist "it was not a serious event, from a safety issue." "I can't go into it, but it was innocuous." Um, right.

You dumbass! It's "innocuous" now! But that's only because you didn't a) crash or b) get shot down by military fighters that were standing by. (How a military fighter "stands by" is completely beyond me.) Whatever y'all were doing up there was only "innocuous" because nothing happened! (Note to self: Always check to see who my pilot is on future flights and run like the wind if it's that dude.)

Maybe it's a little bit of everything. Maybe co-pilot Rich and master pilot Timothy Cheney (brother of Dick Cheney, of course) were up there in the cockpit (which is really becoming quite the appropriate term for this little tryst). They were all alone. One looked over at the other. "How you doin'?" Huh? I think I'm close. Not as close as I think that those two probably were, but pretty close never the less.

Their own altitudes become elevated, they're playing with each other's instrument panels, moving joysticks into highly inappropriate positions, keeping their "tray" in the upright position and really hoping to stick the landing. Afterwards, maybe they spooned a bit. You know. A little cockpit cuddle before deciding they could break free from each other's embrace and let those 140 people on the plane go to their destination. First things first, they had to get their "ass" out of "Wisconsin". (Why'd I put the quotes around "ass"? I'm pretty sure that's what I meant.)

This will be interesting to see what comes out as the real story. All I know is that they were not in a heated discussion. A heated moment, ummmmm, perhaps! But a heated discussion? I doubt it. And back to my initial point. Don't lie when you're totally busted. We're going to see right through it. You did have plastic surgery. Your kid isn't in that balloon. OK, fine, you're not a Muslim or a Kenyan, but you do smoke! And you two were making sweet, sweet love at 37,000 feet when you...whoopsie! Overshot the runway by 150 miles. We know. We know. Just admit it. You'll feel better. Not as good as you did in that cockpit, but better.

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Should He Be Wearing That?

I've been following the efforts dedicated to the recovery of human remains and debris from the Air France 447 crash. Since there hasn't been a major-major crash in about eight years (thankfully) I don't really have any recent memories to compare this recovery effort to. So these questions are based purely upon my internal "WTH" mechanism, which can go into overdrive sometimes.

At first, when it was realized that something was definitely amiss with said plane, it was being reported as "Air France jet vanishes" or "Contact lost with Air France jet". I'm more OK with the 'contact lost' descriptor than I am with 'vanishes'. Vanishes? Like 'poof!'? I don't think that it 'vanished'. I never did think that it 'vanished'. Pretty much, from the beginning, when you hear a story like this, you know, unfortunately, that it crashed. You also know, pretty much, that it didn't POOF! vanish.

It was a few days after said 'vanish-ment' that I started seeing headlines like "Air France: Missing plane likely crashed." Really? Now, this was the same day that prior headlines with "Air France flight missing mid-flight." were rampant. Likely crashed? Why jumping to conclusions so soon? You sure you want to rule out "sucked out of the atmosphere by an alien craft" or "rendered invisible by magic moonbeams" so soon? It hasn't even been a day yet. You sure you want to go that route?

Of COURSE it crashed!

Look, I'm not trying to be insensitive here, but really, what other options are there? When was the last time that a plane disappeared from radar that did not crash? Don't give me the whole 'Miracle on the Hudson' dealio, because while that plane ended up making an emergency landing, if it hadn't been for Captain Sullenberger, that plane would have ended up crashing. When it disappeared from radar what was it doing? Crashing, that is correct. So why all of the "likely crashed" scenarios making the headlines second instead of first? I don't know. Do they think that "plane missing" is going to alleviate the fears of the friends and family of those on the plane? I don't think it is! That's all I need! To have in my head that a relative or a friend of mine is suddenly a participant on a real life version of 'Lost'! Actually, I think I'd prefer "Can't find the plane, prepare for the worst."

Do I think Amelia Earhart 'vanished'? I think she crashed. Just because she was never found doesn't necessarily mean she 'vanished'.
Then came the announcements that they had found debris. Buoys that would be from the plane in the event of unexpected contact with the water were found. Cargo pallets were found. A LARGE oil slick in the middle of the ocean was found. White debris, which was never explained, was found. Seats and things that would have been from the inside of the cabin were found. Great! That means that they should be able to find the rest of the wreckage, right? Yes, but only if all of those things that they found were actually from the Air France plane. Which they weren't.

What?! Not from the plane?! Well, then where the hell were they from then!? Buoys that are from airplanes and are in the general vicinity of where the plane 'vanished' are not from that plane? How do you figure that? WHAT ARE THEY FROM?!?! I don't get it.

And while I don't understand how these recovery operations work, I do find them fascinating. I love the pictures of the guys doing all of the work out there in the ocean. I love the ocean and it scares the crap out of me at the same time. I have a buddy (who's likely reading this right now. Hi!) who works with the ocean and she went freaking snorkeling in it in the middle of nowhere last year! On purpose! So while I could never do that, I find it fascinating that others can (and do!). That's why I love the pictures. But this one baffled me. Behold!

First of all, holy cats. That's the big ol' tail they're standing on. It's so odd to see people standing on things in the water that should not be in the water. But I digress. One of those things is not like the others. Can you spot the one? Let me help you. Behold!

I believe that man is wearing a Speedo! Yes, that is a Speedo. WTH?

Since when do recovery divers wear Speedos? Was he vacationing and just decided to come along for the ride with the other divers? A wayward triathlete, perhaps? Is that Michael Phelps? I don't know, but he's in a Speedo and it just doesn't seem right. I mean, it's not wrong, but you have to admit that it's a little bit out of place, yes?

If anyone knows why Speedo-Man is there, please let me know. It's things like this that keep me up at night.

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