Nice Ad

Want a good way to not get elected to a public office that you're running for? Try the Dan Fanelli approach, as seen below. Go with a bunch of stereotypes. That's a good start to not getting elected. Then make sure that you only focus your ad on things that you probably aren't going to have a lot of say in, like how the TSA operates, for example. But I will commend you on finding people to play the parts of the stereotypical terrorists in this commercial. That's pretty impressive. Everything else, though? Yeah, you might want to rethink some of that if you're kind of serious about getting elected. To anything.

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Special Purpose?

I don't know what that's pointing to exactly, but that it has the caption "Special Purpose" doesn't help matters any, that's for sure.

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But It's A Belt

My birthday is tomorrow, so I'm pretty much just phoning this in. (And if I still had dial-up, I'd always be phoning it in. But that just goes to show how old I am. Great. I've resorted to elderly humor. Kill me.) I just wanted to reiterate how much I do not get fashion. Mostly fashion shows, but some fashion. Why can't people just wear things the way that they're supposed to be worn? Why does everything have to be upside down or backwards or falling off your ass for it to be fashionable? And what's with hats that don't really fit on your head? Why have it if it doesn't do anything like keep the sun out of your eyes? But mostly I'm upset with fashion. Take, for example, some of the stuff over in the G-Star Raw catalog featuring accessories for men. You tell me what's going on there. Behold!

See, and I'm not new to the concept of a belt. I AM a little unaware of the concept of wearing a belt draped over your head. Why is that like that? Why isn't it prominently displayed around his waist? That is still where the belt is traditionally worn, correct? The waist? Now I'm afraid that I'm going to have to see a bunch of mouth breathing paste-eaters walking around with their belt on their head like that. I already start to twitch when I see people wearing their hats sideways. I'll go into a full fledged seizure if I have to actually encounter Belt Head in the wild.

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Long Live The Newspaper

Are newspapers still in trouble? I think that they are, but I haven't heard much about it lately. I have noticed that newspapers are kind of becoming a little more Internet-y, though. I guess it's their way of trying to keep up. I can't say I don't appreciate their effort, but we have the Internet for that sort of stuff.

Here's a correction that the New York Times felt the need to make note of. I really don't know that any of us would have noticed the error, nor given a fat rat's ass about it. But for those of you who are really sticklers for things like the origin of the name "Orcrist the Goblin Cleaver" (which was apparently what some Mets pitcher named one of his bats), then this correction is for you.

Coming to us courtesy of the Salt Lake Tribune (and my dear friend Julie on Facebook), we have a little blurb about a woman who used to be a stripper, but now does "Pole Dancing For Jesus". I'm pretty sure that she was dancing for Jesus when she was a stripper, but at that time, it was pronounced "Hay-Seuss".

In need for an invisible man? That's right. An invisible man. According to the newspaper announcement/advertisement/crackpot below, one is for hire. And yes, you bet your ass that I have emailed him and inquired as to his location, his rates and his sanity. I'm waiting to hear back. Feel free to send him your own email with your own requests. We can compare quotes.

Today I learned that the Yiddish language Ultra-Orthodox daily newspaper called Der Tzitung felt that their policy of keeping photos of women out of their publication (for fear of sexually exciting Hasidic men, of course) took precedence over the presence of Hillary Clinton in the photo. So they got rid of her. Personally, I think that our way of getting rid of bin Laden was much more impressive than their way of getting rid of Hillary Clinton. I also think that our getting rid of bin Laden was much more necessary than erasing Hillary Clinton from a historic moment. Ok, then.

The picture below isn't from a newspaper, but it's in black and white and I'm trying to extend the length of this post, so it's being included. From 1982, an advertisement for a 10MB hard disk drive for the extremely outlandish price of $3,495 (which I believe was also the MSRP for the Yugo when it came out).

And finally, not because it has anything to do with newspapers, but just because it's been bugging me and I'm hoping that I will be able to find some answers. If anyone knows who the shirt below is made by, I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know. Thanks.

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Scared Smokeless

I've had kind of a long day and I'm really kind of tired right now, so I'm going to make this one a little short. I just learned that over in Australia, they have made new regulations for what cigarette packages can look like. They're trying to deter young people from starting to smoke. They're method of doing this seems to be to try and scare the holy crap out of kids by making the packages downright scary.

The Federal Government down there in Australia has made it so that companies can no longer display their logo on the packages. The color of the background has to be an ugly olive green color, as someone's research has determined that ugly olive green is the least attractive color to smokers. (I don't know that research was all that necessary, as I think most people are turned off by ugly olive green. Hence the term "ugly".) The name of the brand has to be in a specific font. (They don't mention what the font is, though. From the looks of it, it could be a variation of Arial or the beloved Helvetica. But I only mention that because I'm a nerd and I don't get to throw out my font knowledge...um...ever.) There also have to be huge warnings on the sides and on the front. Also included on the front, a scary ass picture of something horrible that will happen to you if you smoke. The folks over there at news.com.au were kind enough to provide a picture of what the new scary ass cigarette packages will look like. Behold!

Holy S! My God! Why is his eye held open like that?! Shouldn't there be a picture of a seeing eye dog or something else?! Why not a German Shepard?! Oh, right. Because they're trying to scare the holy bejeezus out of folks. Hey, it worked with me. I can't believe that with images like that, they were seriously concerned about whatever font they were going to use. I can tell you right now, I have no idea what any of the wording on the package says. And I am not going to know what it says ever because I will never look at that package again. I will not be smoking in Australia or anywhere else. Granted, I wasn't planning on smoking anywhere to begin with, but that image did deter me from ever thinking about it. Holy crap. I hope I can sleep tonight.

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Unaired But Now Unlocked!

The Super Bowl is tomorrow! And even though I am a die-hard, completely loyal, San Francisco 49ers fan, I will be watching the game. Why? Well, first of all because football is awesome. And second, watching games with good teams remind me of how football is supposed to be played. Being as how the 49ers have been in the tank for the better part of the last 15 years, I tend to forget how the game is supposed to be played if you want to win.

And as I've mentioned before, I do enjoy a good Super Bowl commercial. I still haven't quite figured out why there isn't as much effort the rest of the year put into good commercials as there is for the ones that air during the Super Bowl. It would make me much more tolerant of them, I'll tell you that. And along a common theme with the previously unaired Bud Light commercials that I discussed here, Bud Light has created another one that seems to take place in the same workplace full of Bud Light loving losers. And this one hasn't technically been released yet! Sure, you can find it on You Tube, but you have to know what you're looking for. As a card carrying member of the Bud Light Facebook page (yeah, right, like I'm not going to take an opportunity to click "Like" for Bud Light), I have been given privileged access to this new commercial. And I'm taking the opportunity to share it with you. Enjoy. And behold! (And, as always, if that doesn't work, try watching it here.)

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A Lesbian, A Ferret And A Missed Connection

I've always wondered if the 'Missed Connections' section of Craigslist ever works. I mean, if you happen to bump into someone in the grocery store and you think they're hot but you're too nervous to say anything to them and so you go home and post the basics of the encounter in the 'Missed Connections' section, does anything ever become of that? I can't imagine that it would. Sure, there's the whole blind squirrel finding a nut once in a while thing (and really, all that does for me is conjure up some image of this little squirrel wearing dark glasses with a white cane), but it is even that frequent that one would find who they are looking for via Craigslist in 'Missed Connections'?

Not only do you have to use Craigslist, but the person that you're looking for also has to use Craigslist. Then they have to be able to noodle through that you are, in fact, the person that they are talking about. I guess that the more detail that the searcher puts in his post then the more of a chance that the searchee would recognize themselves in said post. I suppose that if you do that, you're not supposed to worry about what everyone else will think if you put down those details that the object of your desire would connect with.

What is all of this leading up to? Naturally, it's a post on Craigslist in the 'Missed Connections' section. This particular post is out of Cleveland. I don't know if this sort of thing is common in Cleveland or what the deal is there, but it's definitely one of a kind, I'll tell you that much. If you can figure out what has gone on in this instance, more power to you. I'm still noodling the whole thing through, myself. Here's what we have: The post is titled "Britney with the ferret - m4w (Cleveland westside)" and it reads as follows:

I feel so stupid doing this

I am the ugliest guy you ever met and old

and you are the prettiest gal I have ever met and young

I know you are a Lesbian and have a wife

I am so attracted to you with my head, heart and................... well other parts as well

please tell me your ferrets name so I know its you

Um, OK. Wait. What now? So...it's a stupid old guy trying to find a married lesbian named Britney with a pet ferret? Is that what I'm getting from this? Wow. OK. I have SO many questions, I don't even know where to start. I mean, kudos to the guy for going out on a limb like he did. That takes guts. Now here come the real questions. How does he know all of this about Britney? Did she have her ferret with her during their encounter? Was her wife there? Is he aware of what a lesbian is? Does he know there is no need for capitalization? How old is old and how ugly is ugly? Am I the only one dying to know the name of the ferret?

I have to say, I really hope that this chick gets back to him. Britney, if you're out there, contact the old and ugly guy who has a thing for you (and possibly your ferret). It would make his day. And if you don't want to contact him, how about contacting me?! I'd love to know the name of your ferret, not to mention what in the hell went on over there in Cleveland between you two! Or I could just be your go-between. I will make this work! Drop me a line!

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So Gross And So Hazardous To Your Health

The FDA is now going to have more graphic warnings on cigarette packages. That's not a bad idea. You know and I know that no one reads those things. Then again, it's not like you can't figure out that smoking is bad for you. But yet, people continue to do it. I know, I know. Supposedly, quitting smoking is harder than quitting heroin. I don't know about that. I've never smoked and I've never been addicted to heroin, but it seems like a pretty strong comparison, so let's just say that quitting smoking is hard, shall we?

According to The Washington Post, the new warnings will consist of "...images that could include emaciated cancer patients, diseased organs and corpses." Nice. Apparently the new warnings will no longer be regulated to just the side of the cigarette pack. No, now they will take up "...half the front and back of each pack and 20 percent of each large ad." That's a pretty significant amount of space on each pack. And since it's on the front and the back, it's not like there's going to be any getting away from it if your pack is just lying around. It is going to be a bit imposing on ol' Joe Camel, though. (Is he still around? Dead? Lung cancer? I'm not really sure. But I've always thought that his nose looks a bit like a penis. I don't know what that has to do with making someone want to smoke or not, but it's fairly undeniable that that's what it looks like. Penis.)

Here are a few of the proposed images that the FDA is mulling over. This one shows a guy with a tracheotomy hole and he's still puffing away on a cigarette. The caption reads "WARNING: Cigarettes are addictive". Geez. Yeah, I'd say.

This one says "Warning Cigarette smoke can harm your children". What a cute little baby. How much do you want to bet that they don't use that one because it's a black baby and they don't want to be accused of being racist and saying that cigarette manufacturers are trying to kill black babies? That's what this country has come to, so don't be surprised when it happens.

And this one says "Warning: Cigarettes cause fatal lung disease." But then they have a picture of a toe tag on a corpse. How is that helping? Why not show a diseased lung inside of a dead person? That would hit it home for a lot of folks, wouldn't you say?

Most of the ones that I looked at were along these same lines. They're fairly tame. But, then again, we've become a rather soft nation, so it doesn't really surprise me, even though it does sadden me. Then I learned that other countries have been putting gross pictures on cigarette packages for years. And those other countries don't mess around with the pictures that they came up with. Holy Toledo. Let's take a gander over there at Brazil, shall we? This one starts off with "Infarto". (I think we used to call each other that on the playground in elementary school.) Then it shows a picture of a human heart in a human chest with a bunch of cigarette butts put out in it. Good Lord! That's disgusting! And that's on the pack of cigarettes that someone is going to willingly buy? Holy crap. It's a wonder anyone smokes at all having to look at that. Behold! Infarto!

Here's another one from Brazil. It appears to depict a very premature and ridiculously small little baby. It's incredibly sad. I don't understand folks who smoke when they're pregnant. I don't get it at all. Seriously, what is wrong with you people? You can't quit for the sake of your unborn kid? Oh, I'm sure you'll be a great parent. Uh-huh. Let me know how that turns out. Actually, never mind. Don't. I can already guess.


The one below, from the UK, almost caused me to hurl. It is absolutely disgusting. I don't even know what the deal is with the guy on the left, but it appears that the inside of his neck is trying to escape. As for the one on the right, I can barely look at it without cringing. I have awesome teeth and that just makes me want to vomit. It definitely does NOT make me want to smoke. Good job, UK!


Singapore heeded to my picture of a diseased lung idea from above. Here's what they did to their packs. You know, the amount of space that it takes up is stunning. It's not like you can miss that or anything. It's just gross.

And the last one that I'm going to include is NOT for the faint of heart. Holy canoli, I can't imagine why anyone would ever think of starting to smoke if they had seen something like this first. Seriously. Behold! The dangers of smoking!
Wow. Really? Gangrene? I didn't know that smoking could cause gangrene? How does that work? Well, it's not good, whatever the situation. Smoking. Is there anything in your body it can't ruin? Apparently not. I don't know if stuff like this is going to do much for the person who has been smoking a long time. It might help for those who haven't been smoking for very long. I'm really hoping that it helps those who haven't even started yet. Make sure kids see stuff like this often as soon as they're of age to get it. Why would you want to start after seeing in graphic detail what it can do to you?

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She's Not Me

Who is managing wacky Christine O'Donnell's campaign for Senate over there in Delaware? (I think that she's representing the MILF party.) I'd really like to hear their reasoning for her latest TV ad, as I'm not so sure that you need to automatically assume that everyone who watches TV is going to be aware of the fact that she claims to have dabbled in witchcraft (whatever the hell that means) when she was younger and therefore, that justifies having that disclaimer right off the bat. Wait. What?

Correct. See, back in October of 1999 when Bill Maher had her on his show, Politically Incorrect, she claimed "I dabbled into witchcraft. I never joined a coven. But I did, I did. … I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do....One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it. I mean, there’s little blood there and stuff like that...We went to a movie and then had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar." Uh-huh. OK, then. Since I've already been over this, I'll direct you over to the folks at Think Progress for the video of that whole debacle.

Now, maybe you hear that clip and think that she's a nutjob. Maybe you hear that clip and you think that you're not going to vote for anyone that whack-a-do. You know what I'm guessing that you're not thinking? I'm guessing that you're not thinking that she's really a witch. You know. Because of the whole witches not being real sort of thing. Yeah, that. But she apparently seems to think differently. She seems to think that it is really important to point out that she is not a witch. Oh, for cryin' out loud.

So, here's her first ad. First thing she says is, "I'm not a witch." Uh, yeah. We know. No one is. But seriously, if you hadn't heard the whole deal about her and her witchy-poo dabblings and then that commercial came on, wouldn't your head spin around just a little bit as you exclaimed, "What the hell is she talking about?!" I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen with several people over there. Does the ad get better after that? Not really. Next thing she says is, "I'm nothing you've heard." See, I don't know about that one. I've heard she's a little cuckoo and I'm inclined to agree a little bit with that assessment. But what I won't agree with is what she says next. She states, "I'm you."

Yeah. See, you're really not. You're really not me. I'm not the one who stated that I believed that folks shouldn't masturbate. I'm not the one who said she wanted to stop the country from having sex. I'm not the one who said that masturbation was the equivalent of committing adultery. I'm not certainly not the one who said, "We took the Bible and prayer out of public schools. Now we're having weekly shootings. We had the 60s sexual revolution, and now people are dying of AIDS." (I don't even know what that means.) And I don't buy into the theory that "American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains." (Again, I don't even know what that means.)

All of that? That's not me. That's her. And it scares the hell out of me to think that she could be sitting in the Senate helping to decide what is best for the country.

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Enter The Invisible Monkey

Who would have ever thought that those car commercials that we are bombarded with when they're having a "special event" would turn out to be rather amusing? Enter Dodge and enter PETA and you've got yourself a recipe for a wee bit o'hilarity ensuing. The hilarity ensues immediately after the annoyance over the emergence of PETA subsides, by the way.

See, Dodge made an ad that promoted their Dodge tent event. I don't know when the practice of erecting a tent became equated with a good deal on a shiny new vehicle, but it has been that way for quite some time now. They mention what a great deal you can get yourself on a brand new Dodge Charger, Dodge Journey or Dodge Grand Caravan. (What's a Journey? Is it named after the band? Shouldn't they have had Steve Perry in this commercial? I'm pretty sure he's not doing anything these days.) Not only that, they'll give you sixty days to see if you want to keep the vehicle. (There is, of course, no mention of the eight gazillion strings that are inevitably tied to such an offer. Things that I would imagine might include not having driven the car over 30 miles in those 2 months and never having turned on the air conditioning.)

That's when voice-over guy (the lovely and cancer-free Michael C. Hall) says that this whole thing could not get more amazing. He soon realizes that he is wrong when a little monkey wearing an Evil Knievel jumpsuit comes out and presses down on one of those ACME detonator things that Wile E. Coyote was always using to try and do in that sneaky roadrunner. The monkey pushes it down and a bunch of confetti blows out of somewhere. Voice-over guy deadpans, "I stand corrected." Not bad. Funny. I liked it. Maybe you will, too. Behold!

But who did not like it was PETA. PETA doesn't like anything having to do with cute animals being mistreated. I know. I know. All the monkey did was push the lever. But that is bad, according to PETA, because that little monkey had to be taught how to do that. (It's also bad because the little monkey is really a chimpanzee and there is, apparently, a difference. I don't know if it offended the chimp, but it really seemed to rile up PETA.) According to the website "Where's the Monkey?" in which Dodge tries to explain why they altered their commercial, they informed them "...about the poor conditions of working animal "actors." They told us how these animals are usually separated from their mothers at a young age and are usually discarded at seedy roadside attractions after they get too old to act." What sort of "seedy roadside attractions"? The only seedy roadside attractions around here are taco trucks and fruit vendors. None of them have monkeys. I'm not saying that what PETA is saying is false, I'm just saying I want more information of these primate abusing attractions that allegedly congregate roadside.

Dodge said that this made them sad and they took the spot off of the air. They also said that "Dodge is firmly committed to never using great apes in our advertisements again." While I suppose that is good, they don't mention anything about never using mediocre apes in their advertisements, so...fingers crossed!

But, wait! There's more! They took the ad off of the air and tweaked it just a little bit. They removed the chimp from the footage. Oh, don't get me wrong. They left the jumpsuit and the walking over to the blowy-uppy thing and the confetti that booms out from somewhere. That's still there. There just is no monkey. The monkey is invisible. Wait. Invisi....? Behold!

Most awesome! Very amusing! I'm glad that Dodge didn't completely ditch the ad. I'd like to see Dodge keep the invisible monkey in upcoming future ads. I'd also like to see PETA burn off of the face of the earth. I'm all for animals not being mistreated. And with everything that you can do digitally these days, there's probably no reason why Dodge can't just make a cyber-monkey instead of using a real one. But I'm never for PETA making an appearance. From what I can tell, they do one thing really well, and it's not caring for animals. It's their own attention whoring that they're so successful at.

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They Didn't Ask For Signs

I think I love Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. Seriously. This video rules. Way to call out the Federal Government! Nice.

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Heil Hanes!

Usually I take a little bit of time to work up to the point that I'm trying to make. Today, I'm just going to jump right into it, mainly because I have more questions that I have answers. So what better way to start it off than with a question. Ready? Why in the world is Michael Jordan rockin' a Hitler moustache in his new Hanes commercial? Wait. What now?

Correct. Michael Jordan has a new Hanes commercial out. The product alone is perplexing enough to me. It's apparently for some sort of T-shirt that fits snugly against your body when you're wearing in underneath some other article of clothing (like some sort of sweater vest or something, because we all know how popular that look is). According to the commercial, when you just wear a regular T-shirt underneath your sporty sweater vest, you tend to end up with something that they call "bacon neck". In other words, the collar of the T-shirt is wrinkly and looks like a piece of bacon. Um, OK. I guess.

Having spent a lot of time in states that actually have snow in the winter, I am familiar with the layering of clothing concept. But I would just buy a shirt that's a size too small and use that for the underneath layer. I don't recall it having a bacon neck. Then again, I wasn't wearing it with a sweater vest. Whatever. My point here is that I don't understand the product to begin with. Does it have some sort of fake pecs sewn in it? (You know. For those of you who want to look like you work out without actually working out. Or for those of you who want to harkin back to your days of wearing Underoos and pretending like you're He-Man.) They didn't mention any, so I'm guessing not.

But that wasn't the only thing that they didn't address. They didn't address the fact that Michael Jordan, the basketball god of recent yore, is sporting a Hitler moustache. What in the world is up with THAT? Now, I realize that one could argue that "it's not a Hitler moustache, it's a tribute to Charlie Chaplin". One could argue that. One would be very unsuccessful at convincing anyone that it was in homage to the Little Tramp. Admit it. You see that little moustache, you think Hitler. Behold!

Now, does this mean that I think that Michael Jordan admires Hitler? Um, no. No, I don't. (I mean, I hope he doesn't, but I also really don't think that he does.) Does this mean that I think it's really freaking weird that he has a Hitler moustache in a Hanes commercial? You're darn straight I do. What the hell is up with that?! Didn't the Hanes people think it a bit odd that Air Jordan was sporting Hair Hitler? What do they want us to think? "Hey, what a great idea for a new T-shirt! Sieg heil!" That's not exactly what came to my mind! No, it was more like "Why is a black Hitler pitching me underwear?"

As is my practice with all of these things, the video is below. It's Hitler, isn't it? How weird is that? If the video below doesn't play, check it out here.

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Evolution Is OK

I don't get the whole "Creation vs. Evolution" debate to begin with. Seriously, why can't it be both? Why can't there be a supreme being who created everything and whose plan was for it to evolve? Why is that such a leap for people to make? I don't get it. Clearly, there is evolution involved. But look around you! The universe is just too darned orderly to be one big accident!

That's why I don't get this commercial. According to CBS News, a group which calls themselves the "True Republican PAC" (whatever that is) has put out an ad that attacks Alabama gubernatorial candidate Bradley Byrne. It attacks him for believing that "evolution...best explains the origins of life". Not only that, it also goes after him for saying "...even recently, said the Bible is only partially true."

So, when did it come to this? Are these issues that are such a big deal in Alabama that it is considered to be a good strategy to point them out? The announcer guy says these things with such disdain and disbelief in his voice, it's as if he was telling everyone that Bradley Byrne believed he had been abducted by aliens and spent the majority of his adult life cultivating crops on some alien planet in a galaxy far, far away.

It's weird. It's all just weird. I don't know who this Bradley Byrne guy is, but I hope he wins. He has got to be a better candidate for governor than whoever the jackass is that's running commercials denouncing him for believing in evolution. The ad is below. It's still weird.

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