The Sad Cheater

Tiger Woods is just completely void of any human emotions, isn't he? Well, wait. Is horny an emotion? What about jackassery? OK, if those two count, then he has two human emotions. But if they don't, then he's just a freaking robot. A lying, cheating, home-wrecking, whore-loving, freaking robot.

Elin's divorce from Tiger was finalized a couple of days ago. Immediately afterward, People magazine announced that she had done an interview with them. There don't seem to be any huge revelations in the interview, just more of what we had all pretty much surmised. After all, how many ways are there to feel when you find out that your husband is a scumbag who has cheated on you with every porn star he could find? Not many ways that people aren't going to be familiar with, that's what I'm guessing.

And naturally, Tiger felt the need to address the issue in the only way that he seems to know how. That is, without any sort of feeling or emotion being expressed and by completely minimizing the entire situation. Here's what he had to say at a press conference at The Barclays golf tournament in New Jersey, according to People Magazine:

"It's a sad time in our lives. And we're looking forward to how we can help our kids the best way we possibly can. And that's the most important thing." Um, are you kidding me? It's a sad time? SAD? I don't know if sad is the word that I would choose. It's so minimal, considering that he slept with every whore out there (and even a few whores in there). I'm also taking issue with how the most important thing is his kids. Hey, Tiger! If the most important things were your kids while you were still married, perhaps you would have been such a man-whore and been doing the Perkins waitress! What a buffoon.

He didn't stop there with his hollow statements. "Asked if he was "relieved" with the split, Woods paused. "I don't think that's the word...I think it's just more sadness. Because I don't think you ever – you don't ever go into a marriage looking to get divorced. That's the thing. That's why it is sad." Good Lord, sir. Does he not understand that this isn't something that has happened to him?! It's not like you just suddenly found yourself divorced, you cheater! And you're right! No one expects what you bestowed upon your completely clueless and rather hot Swedish wife! Did you go into the marriage expecting to never get caught, cheater? He's so in love with himself, he probably did.

He did semi-allude to this possibly being his fault when he said, "My actions certainly led us to this decision...And I've certainly made a lot of errors in my life and that's something I'm going to have to live with." Once again, it's all about him. You know who else has to live with your "errors", you cheater? Your now ex-wife AND your children! And I don't know that they're going to grow up thinking that their father made some simple "errors" and that's why mom and dad divorced before they had even entered kindergarten. Cheater.

And in his final statement (for now) of completely not accepting responsibility OR reality, he said, "I certainly understand that she is sad...And I feel the same way." Oh, my God. Really? Really, cheater? I don't know that sad is a completely accurate description of how she is feeling. Betrayed? Lied to? Cheated on? Humiliated? Embarrassed? Duped? Deceived? I think she feels all of those in addition to being sad! And if Tiger does feel sad, it's simply because he got caught. Cheater. Are you going to dig up your dad's ol' bones again to ease some of your pain? Cheater.

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He's Not Talking To You, Tiger

So, by now, you've seen or heard or read about the Tiger Woods ad for Nike that he did. It's filmed in black and white and he's just standing there, staring into the camera, a Nike swoosh visible on his sweater and on his hat, as a voice narrates a few sentences. The voice, we've learned, is that of his late father Earl Woods. I'm not sure how we knew that, but someone made sure that we knew. What we didn't know right away was where in the hell that voice footage came from.

And if you think that you're going to get a straight answer from anyone in Tiger's camp or from the Nike fellows, well, you're wrong. It took ABC News to figure out where the voice footage came from. (And yes, I'm as shocked as you are that they were able to uncover it before some blogger did.) According to them, the statements came from "Tiger: The Authorized DVD Collection," distributed by Buena Vista Home Entertainment. But it wasn't Earl Woods speaking to Tiger at all. No, the deal was that "In the original context, Earl was not talking to Woods, but about the golfer's mother Kultida." Soooo...what now?

When they made the ad, they cut off the first part of what Earl had said. Earl's full quote in the film is: "Authoritarian. Yea, Tida is very authoritative. She is very definitive. 'Yes' and 'No.' I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. I want to find out what you're thinking was, I want to find out what your feelings are and did you learn anything?" Earl then adds, "So, we were two different types but we co-existed pretty well." Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight. He wasn't talking to Tiger AT ALL? He was explaining the differences between his style and the style of his wife? So, they edited in the "Tiger" at the front and then made it so it was like he was talking TO Tiger? What the hell is that all about? Was Tiger aware of this? Of course he was.

He was asked about the commercial during his little Q&A session with reporters after his first round at The Masters. The woman who asked him about it asked why, since he has previously said that talking about his dad's death was a private issue, would he allow that to be the basis for a commercial. That seems like a reasonable question. What I didn't find so reasonable was his answer. "Well, I think it's very apropos. I think that's what my dad would say. It's amazing how, it, uh....how my dad can speak to me from different ways. Even when he's long gone. He's still, still helping me. And I think that any son who has lost a father, and who meant so much in their life, I think they would understand the spot.” Wait. What now?

You think that it's very apropos? You DO? First of all, you DO realize that he's NOT actually speaking TO you, right? You do realize that it was a commercial that you did for Nike, right? But all of that aside, he wasn't speaking those words to you when he DID speak them! No, he was speaking them to your mother! It wasn't ADVICE at all! He was just explaining the difference between her and him. He wasn't trying to teach YOU anything!

And I'm going to take umbrage (because I rarely get to do that these days) and I'm also going to get a little testy with his pity comment at the end of his response. Oh, so anyone (excuse me, any SON) who has lost a father wouldn't HAVE to question what the spot means, is that it? So, if you are questioned on the spot, then it's just be insensitive jerks who don't know what it means to have their father die? I don't think that's it at all. Now, granted, I was not my father's son, but it doesn't change the fact that he's dead. And I've gotta tell you, if someone came to me and said that they wanted to take some stuff that my dad said and use it completely out of context so that I could make a few bucks when people see an ad and run out to buy golf shirts, I don't think I'm going to go for that. I think that, out of respect to my father, I'm not going to essentially dig him up in an effort to rebuild my tarnished image. I don't think I'm going to do that AT ALL.

Are you kidding me? There are plenty of cards out there that people like to play, but I think that the one that I hate the most is the dead relative card. Just because you know someone who died, that doesn't mean that I'm going to feel sorry for you. It happens. Get over it. And the other thing that I hate is when people talk about someone that they've "lost". What is that supposed to mean, exactly? I used to really enjoy it when people would come up to me and say something to the effect of, "I hear you lost your father." I enjoyed responding with, "I didn't lose him. I know exactly where he is." My dad would like that I give that answer. And I like that he would like it. What he wouldn't like would be me whoring out his voice so that I could make a buck or two. No, he'd have a couple things to say about that (and none of them are printable).

What a bunch of crap this commercial is. I guess that it has already run its course. From what I understand, it was aired a couple of times before or during The Masters and that was it. I don't expect it to be seen in the future, nor do I care if it is ever shown again. I'm just not real big on using your dead dad to sell shoes or shirts or whatever it is that he's pitching. I'm also not real big on using something that your dead dad said to your mom in order to try to make people forget that you are the nation's number one serial fornicator. How about you leave the dead folks out of it and you just start acting like a respectable human being instead?

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Just Don't

Wow. That's almost all I have to say about this one. Just wow.

Apparently, Nike felt that it would be a good idea to roll out a new Tiger Woods commercial on the day before the Masters begins. Now, I don't proclaim to know anything about corporate advertising. But I think I do know what doesn't seem like a good idea and this commercial would be it.

Here's the gist of it (Well, actually, this isn't the gist. This is IT.): You see a black and white image of Tiger from the chest up just standing there and staring straight ahead at the camera. I don't know if the black and white imagery is to try and trick viewers into thinking that we have magically been transported back to a time before his multiple extra-marital dalliances with cocktail waitresses and porn stars were widely known or what, but it kind of bugs me.

All he does throughout the entire 30 seconds is stand there and stare. The camera slowly moves in closer to his face throughout the spot, but he's just standing there and staring. Meanwhile, we hear the voice of the dearly departed Earl Woods. Now, the only reason that I know that it's Earl Woods is because I read that it was over at The Huffington Post. Otherwise, I wouldn't have had a clue. Don't get me wrong, I follow sports. I know who Earl Woods was. But I don't know if I'm supposed to know that it's Earl's voice when I hear it. It just comes out of nowhere, so are we supposed to think that it's God? Please. That better not be it.

Anyway, this is what he says: "Tiger, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was. I want to find out what your feelings are. And did you learn anything." Are you kidding me?

Are they just begging people to mock the heck out of that or what? He's "prone to be inquisitive"? Like what? "Which Perkins coffee shop did you pick that one up at?" That kind of inquisitive? Or the kind of inquisitive that asks, "Why are you constantly cheating on your beautiful Norwegian wife with all of these porn star skanks? I wonder which one it is.

He wants to find out what his thinking was? Really? Lemme help you out a little bit, Earl. His thinking was "I don't give a fat rat's ass about anything other than myself and my big ol' boner and therefore, I'm going to be having lots of kinky sex with that there cocktail waitress, Pops."

Do they really want to include the line "I want to find out what your feelings are"? I can't imagine that they do. But they did! See, that's where Earl and I differ. Earl wants to know about his feelings. I want to know the total number of bimbo whores he slept with.

Did he learn anything? I don't know. I don't think that he did. Are we supposed to think that he did? Maybe he learned that it's not a good idea to let your wife find text messages from one of your waitress mistresses on Thanksgiving. Maybe he learned to not try and drive his Escalade (unless he can avoid hitting various shrubbery and a fire hydrant) when his wife is chasing after him with a golf club at 2am. Maybe he learned those things. But I'm thinking that the only thing that he might have really learned is that it sucks to get caught.

I don't get the logic behind this commercial. I know that Nike is one of the only two sponsors that he has left (the other one being Electronic Arts, makers of various video games which are seemingly immune from most controversy), but I didn't think that they'd be using him in a commercial again so soon. Then again, I don't know why they'd stick with him at all. Granted, their slogan is "Just Do It", but I don't know that they want a spokesman who really goes with the literal (and the carnal) translation of it.

I guess that they couldn't do a commercial which would have incorporated all of his philandering ways into it, like instead of having gophers pop up across a golf course in all of the holes, have his bimbos pop up. Yeah, I think something like that is probably considered to be "in poor taste". Probably. Whatever. I think that channeling the voice of the dead father is a bit much. The commercial is below. Did you learn anything?

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Lying And Tiger And Bears, Oh My!

If Gloria Allred is involved in something, I usually chalk the 'something' up to really being nothing. Gloria Allred is a reprehensible human being (who probably warms her body by sunning herself on a rock) and a media whore lawyer. If there is a media bandwagon to start up, she will be the first one there to hold a press conference and explain why something has gone horribly awry for her poor, misunderstood and disserviced client. But her latest client might actually have a leg or two to stand on with her claims.

Let's meet Maureen Decker. Ms. Decker was the kindergarten teacher of a one Eldrick Woods, aka Tiger. Now that some of his extra-martial dalliances with any cocktail waitress as far as the eye can see have become known, Ms. Decker has felt the need to set the record straight about a little tale that the aforementioned Eldrick has been telling folks for quite some time. How I missed hearing about this story the first time around is beyond me. But it has apparently been out there since at least 2005, so I'm guessing I must have been extremely busy. It's a whopper.

According to the gossipy folks over there at TMZ, in a "2005 book written by Charles Barkley...the golfer says, "I became aware of my racial identity on my first day of school, on my first day of kindergarten. A group of sixth graders tied me to a tree, spray-painted the word 'nigger' on me, and threw rocks at me. That was my first day of school. And the teacher really didn't do much of anything." Um, wait. What now?

Tiger Woods is claiming that on the first day of kindergarten that he was tied to a tree, spray painted upon with racial epithets and pelted with rocks? And nothing happened?! WHAT?! How is that possible?! Well, if you're asking that very kindergarten teacher, Ms. Decker, it didn't happen. No, she's claiming that it didn't happen at all. Hmmm.

Before I go into why I am tending to believe Ms. Decker, let's look at what the fine folks down under at the Herald Sun tell us about this same incident. They tell us that Tiger also said, "I used to live across the street from school. The teacher said, 'OK, just go home'. So I had to outrun all these kids going home. It was certainly an eye-opening experience." Hmmm again.

So, let me get this straight, Eldrick. I'm supposed to believe that you, a little five year old kindergartener who was attending school at Cerritos Elementary School in Cypress, California, had this happen to him on the first day of school? Really? And I'm also supposed to believe that after you, somehow, managed to untie yourself from the alleged tree, you had to outrun a bunch of sixth graders to get home? And on top of that, I'm supposed to believe that your parents did nothing?! I'm drawing the line right there.

Your parents didn't ask for a conference with the teacher? Your parents didn't go to the police? Your parents didn't go to the media? (This story has all the makings of a national news story if there ever was one. It has at least the makings of a local news story if there ever was one.) Your parents didn't go to the principal? No, you're telling us that instead, your parents (one of whom was Earl Woods, who wanted nothing more than to make his kid a star) sent you BACK to a school where their little golf prodigy was spray painted upon? Really? I'm finding that hard to believe. I don't have children, but I cannot for the life of me ever imagine that if my kid came home from school with the N-word spray painted on him when he was five years old that I would be sending him back to that school ever. Nor can I imagine that I just wouldn't say anything to anyone. That seems highly unlikely. At best.

And speaking of spray paint, what sixth graders were going to school on the first day with cans of spray paint and lengths of rope or string with which to do all of the tying to trees? And where was this tree? Weren't you kind of a little guy, Tiger? Would the N-word even be POSSIBLE to spray paint upon your little scrawny body? How'd you untie yourself? How'd you manage to outrun them? (If he had really outrun them, wouldn't we be hearing today about him being the world's fastest man instead of the world's greatest golfer? That would have been quite the accomplishment, really.) How did any of this happen, really?

I don't blame Ms. Decker for speaking up and saying that this whole thing never happened. Apparently, she's been trying to say something about it for years, but no one would ever listen to her. Now that there is all of this media attention on Tiger, I'd have to say that I agree that the arena is probably a bit more in her favor. But did she really have to get Gloria Allred to represent her? I just can't trust anything that Gloria Allred is involved in.

From what Gloria is saying, all Ms. Decker wants is an apology. That seems reasonable to want, but I certainly don't think that she should be sitting around expecting anything to change. Tiger still won't come out and say what the entire world knows, which is that he cheated on his wife with any and every bimbo that would have him. He can't admit that even though it's beyond common knowledge. And this woman expects him to admit that the whole "first day of school torture story" was a lie? That's not going to happen. And when it doesn't, I guess that's when we'll see what Gloria's next move is. Hopefully, it's to another planet.

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Tiger's String Theory

I don't pretend to be a PR person. I barely pretend to be a good person. All of that being said, I have no idea what Tiger Woods thinks that he's up to. All I know is that Sunday afternoon I heard that he had given two separate interviews to ESPN and The Golf Channel (yep, there's a golf channel) and that they would be airing "in their entirety" Sunday evening. Two interviews? In their entirety?! I immediately cleared my schedule, as I figured that this was must see TV. OK, granted, my schedule was already pretty clear, but I've always wanted to say that. (I also exaggerated with the "must see TV", as it was really "I'll watch it if the re-run of The Simpsons isn't one of the really early ones where all of the characters seem to have just a touch of Cro-Magnon in them.) In reality, even if my schedule was packed, I would have only had to block off ten minutes, as each interview was only five freaking minutes.

Really Tiger? Five minutes each? Who in the world gives an interview that is only five minutes. Way to hype this up, ESPN. "In their entirety". Please. When something is only five minutes long, it's a little hard to not show it in its entirety! They didn't even sit down! He just stood there, uncomfortably close to each interviewer. He was wearing a ball cap with one of his TW logos on it, as he is the only person who will endorse himself these days. First up, the Kelly Tilghman interview.

Kelly Tilghman has apparently been with the Golf Channel since its inception. She's a very attractive woman who might know something about golf. (It's hard to know whether or not they base their hiring practices of very attractive women who will be on TV on whether or not they have an in depth knowledge of the sport itself as opposed to how good they look holding a phallic shaped microphone.) She started off with a fairly reasonable inquiry. She asked, "Tiger, you’ve been a master of control your entire life, how did things get so out of control?" That's when Tiger started off his part of the interview with a fairly ridiculous response. "Going against your core values, losing sight of it. I quit meditating, I quit being a Buddhist, and my life changed upside down." Oh, spare me.

You quit being a Buddhist?! I don't remember Tiger Woods being all Buddhist-y before. And I'm going to disagree that he went against his "core values". It would seem to me that his core values included sleeping with any woman with a sizable rack and carrying some sort of drink tray. Yeah, that's what happened. He quit being a Buddhist and suddenly found himself screwing every cocktail waitress around like he was some sort of jackrabbit on crack. (I mean, you know,if the whole inter special thing was even possible in this analogy, then it would be just like that.)

Question Two from Ms. Tilghman: "Were there moments you thought you should stop, but didn’t?" And ridiculous answer Number Two from Tiger Woods: "Yeah, I tried to stop and I couldn’t stop. It was just, it was horrific." Yeah, it sounds horrible. All of that crazed sex that you were having all the time, whenever you wanted it, with whoever you wanted it. You poor, poor, tortured soul. And without your Buddha to keep you company (as far as we know). Good Lord. Horrific? That's hilarious. He has apparently confused the time when he was screwing anything that wasn't nailed down (and presumedly had an appropriate orifice) and the time when he was finally busted. The getting busted part? That might qualify as "horrific". The rest of it? All of the not stopping? Not so much.

Let's see...oh! Here's one that really exemplifies how Tiger has NO intention of giving any sort of answer with any sort of substance. Question: "For a man who’s so disciplined physically and psychologically, why couldn’t you say no?" Tiger's answer: "I don’t know, now I know. It’s part of what I learned in treatment, being there for 45 days you learn a lot. You strip away the denial, the rationalization and you come to the truth and the truth is very painful at times and to stare at yourself and look at the person you’ve become, you become disgusted." Uh-huh.

Wow, he actually used the word "strip". I guess maybe because he's awfully familiar with things that strip. You might notice that he didn't offer up what he had been in treatment for. No, no. That would be too much. He still thinks awfully highly of himself (and he's one of the few that still do) and he's not about to totally admit that he so screwed up. And down, too, probably. The whole transcript of that interview is available over at something called National Post.

Moving onto the other five minutes of his time that he managed to spare yesterday, we have him speaking with a one Tom Rinaldi of ESPN. (The transcript of those 300 seconds is available over at The Huffington Post.) Tom (I call him Tom) said to him: "Eleven months ago, here at Isleworth, I asked you, 'How well does the world know you?' What's your answer to that now?" His response sounded remarkably similar to what he said to Ms. Tilghman when he said, "A lot better now. I was living a life of a lie. I really was. And I was doing a lot of things, like I said, that hurt a lot of people. And stripping away denial and rationalization you start coming to the truth of who you really are and that can be very ugly." The stripping. The denying. The rationalizing. All very good key words to throw into an interview answer...if you don't repeat them five minutes later!

My favorite part of ESPN interview was actually when he was asked "What's the difference between the man who left Augusta national a year ago and the one who is about to return?" Tiger answer with "A lot has transpired in my life. A lot of ugly things have happened." I don't recall any of this happening to him. I really don't recall these events transpiring. I recall him almost getting beaten senseless by his extremely angry wife (allegedly) on Thanksgiving after she found out about a multitude of strippers that he had been fornicating with, but I don't know if I'd call that "events transpiring". No, I'd simply call that "getting caught".

Rinaldi, er, Tom also asked him, "I ask this question respectfully, but of course at a distance from your family life. When you look at it now, why did you get married?" That seems to be a perfectly reasonable question. But the answer that Tiger gave sounded almost like he was surprised that someone would ask such a question. What?! You want to know why I married my wife? Just because it's been revealed that I've been sleeping with Perkin's waitresses in my Escalade outside of their mobile home?! Is that why you're asking that? Uh, yes. Yes, it is. But his answer? "Why? Because I loved her. I loved Elin with everything I have. And that's something that makes me feel even worse, that I did this to someone I loved that much." Please note the use of the term "loved" as in the past tense. As if we needed to read anything into anything as it was, but whatever.

Seriously, how was he supposed to answer that question? "Uh, I thought it would look good." "Uh, well, I thought she wouldn't find out." Or what I find to be the most plausible: "Dude, she's a Norwegian model who has a twin sister! Do the math!"

Look, I'll give him that he was less robotic than he was during the odd, odd press conference in which he rambled on for 12 minutes (and scolded the media at one point for following his children). It was still pretty robotic and it's still pretty evident that he hasn't internalized anything. (I base that on the repetitive answers and that I don't believe anything that comes out of the serial fornicator's mouth and neither should anyone else.) I couldn't quite figure out what he was up to until the very end of the Kelly Tilghman interview when she says to him, "I noticed you’re wearing a bracelet, can we see it?...What does it mean?" A bracelet? Where? What...that? Behold!

That's a string. Is a string a bracelet? Because that's a string? Guess what it's for? That's right! All of the Buddhism! He told her, "It’s Buddhist, it’s for protection and strength and I certainly need that." Protection from what? Cocktail waitresses? Is that string from one of their thongs? Does is work at fending off porn stars as well? Like those magic bracelets that Wonder Woman wears? Is it like that? Oooh!! Do you have magic lasso, too?!

She continued with the string inquisition by asking, "When did you start wearing it?" ("The second I got it off of that hooker." Oh, I kid! That's not what he said!) "Before I went into treatment." Ohhh. BEFORE the treatment. Of course. Because you sat down and thought long and hard about what you'd done and you decided that a string around your wrist would be in order. Gotcha. Anything else? Why, yes. Yes, there was something else. Apparently, Ms. Tilghman was fascinated by this string. "Will you be wearing it during the Masters?" What do you think he said? Come on! Guess! That's right he said, "Absolutely." And she took it a step further (and thankfully it was the last step) and asked, "For the rest of your life?" And what do you think he said to that? Come on! Guess! That's right. Again with the, "Absolutely." I get it.

So the string is a decoy. It gives people something to focus on. That will be his way of not having to talk about how he's doing in the future. If you see the magic string, you know he's protected from cocktail waitresses. Seriously, what else could it be for (because it certainly isn't for protection from anything)? We (the public 'we') are just so stupid that we're going to believe that if we see the string, that he's a faithful, Buddha loving, family guy once again. Oh, OK! We believe you! Sure! Did Ari Fleischer come up with that one? It's new. Let's see if it works.

Not 'works' in the sense that he'll be protected from hookers or anything, but 'works' in the sense that people will assume that he's not effing anything that moves like some wild beast, but only if he has the magic string on his wrist. Look, just because someone has a string on their wrist, it doesn't mean they're faithful...to anyone. Not to their wife. Not to their mistresses. Not to their hos. No one. String or not.

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