Levi Johnston - King of the Morons

Can I possibly stand to do another post about what a brickhead Levi Johnston is? Can I? I don't know. I'm gonna, so let's find out if I make it to the end, shall we? God, he's a moron.

I take that back. He is King of the Morons. In the Land of the Morons, he is the revered, he is the adored, he is their leader, he is their King. Thus, with that sort of moronism involved, I was not surprised to learn, according to the headline over across the pond at The Guardian " "We're going to court"; Sarah Palin to face legal battle over grandson". Shocking, I know.

Now, before we delve into the "legal battle" part, let's recap some of the choice things that Levi Johnston, completely unprovoked, has had to say about Sarah Palin. In the Vanity Fair article we have Levi claiming:

"The Palin house was much different from what many people expect of a normal family...There wasn’t much parenting in that house. Sarah doesn’t cook, Todd doesn’t cook—the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school."

"Sarah told me she had a great idea: we would keep it a secret—nobody would know that Bristol was pregnant. She told me that once Bristol had the baby she and Todd would adopt him."

"She started talking about how nice it would be to quit and write a book or do a show and make “triple the money.” It was, to her, “not as hard.” She would blatantly say, “I want to just take this money and quit being governor.” "

On the Tyra Banks Show, Levi claimed "...he believed the governor knew he was having sex with Bristol prior to her becoming pregnant at age 17."

And finally, in an interview with Maggie Gonzalez of CBS, he claimed that "Sarah Palin would come home from work and ask, “Where’s my retarded baby?” Um, what?

Look, I find it hard to believe that any mother would say that about their kid. Levi is claiming that she said it all the time. Why things like that don't diminish whatever credibility anyone thinks he has is beyond me. I might only doubt (but barely doubt) that she ever said it, but I can say with great assuredness she never said it "all the time". That's just S***. Here's where it gets entertaining.

Levi is claiming that he is not being allowed access to his son, Tripp. Shocking, I know. I'm not so sure that I'd be letting the sort of guy who is more interested in flying all over the country spreading lies about the grandmother of his child see the child either. Since there doesn't seem to be a legal document in place authorizing specific visits, I guess it would have to boil down to the decision of the mother as to what would be best for said child. Keeping said child away from said jackass seems like a pretty good place to start if you're asking me.

Back to the story in The Guardian where they report "Johnston said there had been times when he had been allowed to see Tripp about once a week, but there had also been periods when he had had virtually no access. He said: "They started letting me see him and everything was fine. But everything got bad again. So I said screw them." Aaahhh. And another piece of the puzzle falls into place. Anything else there, Levi? How do you feel about it going to court?

"It's going to be a tough battle. Basically, it's down to who has the better lawyer. I can just imagine all the cameras that are going to be there – it's going to be crazy." Um, what?

All of the cameras? That's what you're thinking about?! What in the hell is wrong with you? Oh, that's right. You're an idiot.

But wait! Unfortunately, there's more! Media outlets, please take note of this! "Johnston admitted to the Guardian that comments he made to Vanity Fair and other outlets....were partly made in retaliation. "If they had let me see my kid, I wouldn't have done any of that." "

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

IF they had let you see your kid. Do you really think that the kind of father who goes around telling public lies (likely for profit) about his child's grandmother, the mother of the mother of his child (whew! That's a mouthful!) is the kind of person that they would want to see their child? I can't say that it is! But take note media outlets! Please take note!! He didn't say any of it because it was TRUE. He said it because he was RETALLIATING! He LIED. And YOU folks who paid him for his lies and gave him camera time for his lies only ENCOURAGED his lying! He's a LIAR. Please stop putting him on your TV shows.

Seriously though, if I haven't convinced you of what a complete and utter a-hole Levi Johnston is by now, allow me to just ice this s*** cake and put a cherry on top. Here we go. Again (and still) from the article in The Guardian (linked above) "Asked whether he worried that his outspoken remarks about Tripp's grandmother might be harmful to the child, he replied: "I don't know. I hope not, but what else are you going to do?" Um, what now?

What else are you going to do? What in the hell do you mean "what else are you going to do"? You're the one doing it! You're the one making potentially harmful remarks! You're the one out there lying in retalliation for something! I'll tell you "what else are you going to do". You're going to shut the F up is what you're going to do!

"What else are you going to do?" So, basically, you need a weapon and you've chosen the child and if it messes up the kid later on in life, so be it, you needed a weapon. He does realize that when he goes to court, Sarah Palin won't be there, right? He does realize that when he goes to court, it's likely that Bristol won't be there either, right? If I were him, I'd hope to God that when he goes to court that Todd isn't there. Todd seems like the type of guy who really might take the sort of advice given by Pat Buchanan on MSNBC's Morning Joe back in July when he told Mika Brzezinski "Well, first, with regard to Levi, I think First Dude up there in Alaska, Todd Palin, ought to take Levi down to the creek and hold his head underwater until the thrashing stops.“ Well said, Pat. Well. Said.

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Nuts & Nudity - Together at Last!

That's it, people! We have officially, OFFICIALLY come off the rails! It's over! Nothing more to see here! Move it along! That's right. Back you go! Back. BACK! Sweet mother of God, what have we done. What hath we wrought? I'll tell you what we've wrought. We've wrought the worst kind of wroughting you could ever think to wrought. That's right. We've wrought the worst wrought we've ever wrought before. You might have thought we've wrought, but you were wrong. Three words will show just how much wrong we've wrought.


Levi. (That's one.)

Johnston. (That's two.)

Naked. (Threeeeeeeeeeeee!!)

See? This is what happens when we (and by "we" I mean a society that gulps up every morsel of celebrity chum that is thrown into our shark infested waters with a thirst for knowledge about everything and everyone) act like we're interested out of sheer interest in an individual that we are merely interested in because we're making fun of them. While in theory, a perfectly harmless scenario, but in reality, most of those that we mock are not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed. (Translation: Too dumb to know we're dissin' 'em.)

That's what's happening with ol' Levi "Used To Be The Future Son-In-Law Of a Failed Vice Presidential Candidate" Johnston. He came on the scene as the guy who knocked up Bristol Palin and was going to marry her. Then the whole "might end up in the White House" scenario flew the coop and that whole "going to marry her thing" flew right behind it, closely followed by that whole "going to finish high school thing" as well. And for some reason, there was still some sort of odd interest in him. Maybe it's that he rather oddly has a sort of 80s look going on about him.

I think that the interest in Levi Johnston was slightly, just slightly perpetuated by the man-boy himself. I mean, if you continuously knock someone as hot as Sarah Palin, eventually people are going to listen to a little bit of what you say. Or, at the very least, be interested in what's going to come out of your blowhole next. And not necessarily interested out of interest, more so interested out of sheer amazement that someone could be so damned clueless. (For the record and in case you were previously unaware, it's not OK to bash the grandmother of your child in public. It's just not. Unless she's in prison having been convicted of murder, don't drag your family crap around for the whole world to see. It doesn't do a whole lot for smooth family relations, if that's what you were hoping for, either.)

But now this whole fake interest-interest thing has been taken to a whole new level. Levi Johnston is posing for Playgirl. Good Lord, is that necessary? I'm guessing it is, if you're him. Seriously. Let's think about this. I know that there was talk of him having a book deal, but I think that there are enough picture books on the market as it is. Talk shows aren't going to continue to pay him to spit out little tidbits about Sarah Palin that may or may not be true. He has nothing of substance to say. To describe him as slightly vacuous is an understatement. Translation: The gravy train has ground to a screeching halt.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to know what Playgirl offers one to pose nude. I realize some folks think that they're good enough, that they're hot enough that they'd do it for free. Those people are the kind of people that, if naked, would drive magazines out of business if they actually took them up on their free-nude-photos offer. The kind of people that some people (no names) would want to see naked need to be bribed paid and paid rather handsomely. The usual, however, I don't think is more than a million. I say that because it's always a big deal when someone is offered a million bucks to pose nude. If that was typical, it wouldn't generate as much tongue wagging. (Tongue wagging - another high paying position.)

But speaking of how Levi Johnston is trying to make a little money off of some nuts, he's also in a new advertisement for pistachios. I can't say I'm a fan of the ad. I'm all for the whole tongue-in-cheek thing (more so when it's either my tongue or my cheek), but when it involves your family or or your child, I just don't think you should go there. You can decide. Here's Levi Johnston advocating for nuts. And for Wonderful Pistachios.

Yeah, see? Too much. Aside from it making fun/light of the fact that he knocked up his girlfriend when they were both 17, it's a ridiculous premise. There's Levi being flanked on one side by a behemoth of a man while 3 or 4 people off screen say in semi-loud voices while 2 or 3 flashbulbs go off, "Levi! Levi!" It's as if the most unenthusiastic person in the world's dog has just run off and they're trying to get it to come back. "Levi! Levi!" And while that alone could be the punchline, the real punchline is when the announcer voice says, "Levi Johnston now does it with protection." Meaning the bouncer. Implying a condom. Selling pistachios. Hey, whatever works. (Man, I love pistachios. And I'll continue to love pistachios in spite of the fact that Levi Johnston is hawking them. They're good. He is not.)

Once Levi Johnston is naked and in Playgirl, then, then can we please make him go away? Please? What if we buy the nuts? How about the pistachios?

(Side note: Don't get me wrong, I'll be checking out that issue of Playgirl. I'm sure as hell not buying it, but I'm definitely going to see what all the fuss is about. And don't worry. It's not like I'm not going to be sharing with y'all. Oooohhhh, you can expect QUITE the post when THAT issue hits the newsstands. You know it.)

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Your 15 Minutes Are Up, Levi

Why won't Levi Johnston go away?

Why am I still hearing not only about this jackass, but more annoying, hearing FROM him? He's an 19-year old high school dropout who knocked up his girlfriend and wouldn't "grow up" to face his responsibilities as a parent and as a person. He's now working construction somewhere in Alaska (which is not far enough away, if you're asking me). Sounds like just the kind of person that I want to get my information from. Sounds credible, intelligent, honest, sincere. Sure, Levi Johnston sounds like all of those things. (He also sounds like he might have been smoking some of the stuff his mom was arrested for selling also.)

Seriously, is there ANY reason why I should EVER have to read a sentence that begins like the following(this particular one cited from The Sleuth by a one Mary Ann Akers at The Washington Post): "Johnston, the 19-year-old father of Palin's grandson and ex-fiance of the governor's daughter Bristol, said at a news conference Thursday...."

"At a news conference"?? WHY in the name of ALL that is SANE would LEVI JOHNSTON be able to hold a news conference and have people (presumably reporters) SHOW UP to LISTEN TO HIM?? WHY?!?! There is not ONE rational explanation for it. Not one!

The purpose of Einstein's soap box moment was to give his "insight" as to why Sarah Palin is stepping down as Governor of Alaska. The press coverage on this seems to indicate that she has been rather vague about the exact reasons for doing so. Sure, it's a strange move, but I don't know that her reasons can't be surmised from what she has said about doing so. Remember, when you're a politician, anything you say can and will be used against you in the press. She learned that the hard way. (There's a reason why she likes Alaska. My guess would be it's far away from the rest of the country. In the United States, but not of it. That's how I look at it.)

Here's the "inside scoop" from the oh-so insightful Levi Johnston: "She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say 'forget everything else.' " Um, wait. What now?

Are you kidding me? He says that she said something to that effect (we can't really believe that what he said was directly quoting what she said verbatim) and.....what? OH, right! The false implications! The conclusions that Levi Johnston came to! That's right! He concluded that "....he personally had heard Palin discuss the possibility of leaving her state behind to go capitalize off her quick rise to fame." OK, he's done. Someone get him off of that box and ship him back to the wilderness.

He claims that she said that this past winter, sometime between December and January, which would make it after the election. At that point, she's getting plenty of offers (I'm assuming) and at the same time, she's being hounded by the press and by various political outlets and trying to run a state and deal with all of that. (And among the myriad of "issues" that she was dealing with, she was still hearing about the damn wardrobe that the GOP had purchased for her during the campaign. My God, can you people not let anything GO?!) Yes, I TOO would think AND say "Man, I wish I could just have all of the money that I'm being offered without having to deal with all of these idiots around me." HOW is that NOT a reasonable thing to say??

Levi Johnston needs to pipe down. We will, unfortunately, be hearing more from him in the future because he has (wait for it) a BOOK DEAL. He's going to write a freaking book. One with words, NOT pictures! Who's the co-author? Joe the Plumber? I have them at about the same level as far as the book writing skills would go. The boy hasn't even graduated from high school. What say he READ a few books before he goes out and starts writing them, OK?

Are you wondering what the book will be about or are you just wondering how soon it will come out because the sooner it does then the sooner we can stop hearing from this guy (hopefully) once and for all? In another example of how the media will run with anything that anyone says about whatever, we have the New York Post quoting Levi Johnston's bodyguard/publicist (When did those two occupations become something that you could combine?), a one Tank (That's the combination bodyguard-slash-publicist's name. Tank. Perfect.) as having said that the book will be about the "...Wasilla, Alaska political family." Yeah, because the guy who got some girl pregnant is the perfect person to write an entire book about the girl's family. The ins. The outs. (Oh, wait. Never mind. That would be his book on how he got her pregnant. My mistake.) And if that's not enough for you, don't worry because according to Tank, "There are still many untold stories about the Palins." Yes, I'm sure there are many untold stories...that no one wants to hear about! Make it stop...

By the way, I have the feeling that people like Levi Johnston and Joe the Plumber who get these 'book deals' do about as much actual "writing" of the book as I'm going to do "reading" of the book. That is to say "very little". It would seem that all of the book writing, the press conferences, the talking, my GOD, the talking! All of that seems to be Levi's way of doing exactly what he claims Sarah Palin is doing: capitalizing off his quick rise to "fame". The thing that he doesn't quite seem to understand is that the reason that he was ever in the news in the first place was because his girlfriend's mother was the Vice Presidential candidate for the Republican party. That's it. Without that, he's really got nothing. Even with that, he's really got nothing. And we didn't care about him when Sarah Palin was John McCain's running mate and we don't care about him now. So stop going to his "news conferences"!

Go write that book, Levi. Get a nice price for it. The mother of your child is going to need some of that money to raise your son without you.

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