She's Not Me

Who is managing wacky Christine O'Donnell's campaign for Senate over there in Delaware? (I think that she's representing the MILF party.) I'd really like to hear their reasoning for her latest TV ad, as I'm not so sure that you need to automatically assume that everyone who watches TV is going to be aware of the fact that she claims to have dabbled in witchcraft (whatever the hell that means) when she was younger and therefore, that justifies having that disclaimer right off the bat. Wait. What?

Correct. See, back in October of 1999 when Bill Maher had her on his show, Politically Incorrect, she claimed "I dabbled into witchcraft. I never joined a coven. But I did, I did. … I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do....One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it. I mean, there’s little blood there and stuff like that...We went to a movie and then had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar." Uh-huh. OK, then. Since I've already been over this, I'll direct you over to the folks at Think Progress for the video of that whole debacle.

Now, maybe you hear that clip and think that she's a nutjob. Maybe you hear that clip and you think that you're not going to vote for anyone that whack-a-do. You know what I'm guessing that you're not thinking? I'm guessing that you're not thinking that she's really a witch. You know. Because of the whole witches not being real sort of thing. Yeah, that. But she apparently seems to think differently. She seems to think that it is really important to point out that she is not a witch. Oh, for cryin' out loud.

So, here's her first ad. First thing she says is, "I'm not a witch." Uh, yeah. We know. No one is. But seriously, if you hadn't heard the whole deal about her and her witchy-poo dabblings and then that commercial came on, wouldn't your head spin around just a little bit as you exclaimed, "What the hell is she talking about?!" I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen with several people over there. Does the ad get better after that? Not really. Next thing she says is, "I'm nothing you've heard." See, I don't know about that one. I've heard she's a little cuckoo and I'm inclined to agree a little bit with that assessment. But what I won't agree with is what she says next. She states, "I'm you."

Yeah. See, you're really not. You're really not me. I'm not the one who stated that I believed that folks shouldn't masturbate. I'm not the one who said she wanted to stop the country from having sex. I'm not the one who said that masturbation was the equivalent of committing adultery. I'm not certainly not the one who said, "We took the Bible and prayer out of public schools. Now we're having weekly shootings. We had the 60s sexual revolution, and now people are dying of AIDS." (I don't even know what that means.) And I don't buy into the theory that "American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains." (Again, I don't even know what that means.)

All of that? That's not me. That's her. And it scares the hell out of me to think that she could be sitting in the Senate helping to decide what is best for the country.

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Some Things Take Time!

Yes, indeed. Christine O'Donnell is going to be the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you, Bill Maher, for holding true to your promise to show one clip (of when O'Donnell appeared on your show Politically Incorrect) each week until she agrees to come on your current show, Real Time. Maybe she didn't think that he was serious. I don't know. But if that was her mode of thinking, she might want to reconsider what else he might have in his vault over there, as the clip that he released on Friday doesn't exactly paint her as being the brightest bulb on the tree.

According to TPM (and the video below), when Christine O'Donnell was on Maher's show in 1998, she claimed that "Evolution is a myth." A myth? Myth? Myth?! Yes? (Sorry. Couldn't resist a quote from The Muppet Movie for some reason.) She thinks it is a myth? Does she have anything to back that up with? Um, technically speaking? Yes. Well, kind of.

When Bill Maher expressed disbelief at Christine O'Donnell's assertion that evolution was a myth, he asked her in disbelief, "Have you ever looked at a monkey?" She had the snappiest of all snappy comeback when she asked him, "Well, then, why aren't they still evolving into humans?" Good Lord, woman.

Why aren't they still evolving into humans? Does she think that this is an overnight process? Does she think that one generation is going to be able to witness the evolution of a beast into something less beastly? Apparently, she does. And she uses that irrational belief as a basis for her assertion that evolution is a myth.

Look, I don't care if she dabbled in "witchcraft" when she was in high school. You know why I don't care? Because I don't believe in witches. Sure, you can call yourself a witch, but what does that actually mean? It doesn't mean much to me, I'll tell you that. But if you're going to tell me that someone doesn't understand that monkeys do not evolve in the amount of time that you have available to actually watch them, am I going to care about that? I am if the person who thinks that is someone who aspires to be a US Senator. Then I absolutely do care. If she cannot grasp a simple concept such as evolution, am I supposed to have any faith at all that she'll be able to grasp complex economic concepts? Or any complex concept, for that matter? That's right. I won't.

The clip of her making this ridiculous assertion on Bill Maher's show is below. It's breathtaking, and not in a good way. She can't really win, can she?

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Witchy Woman

This Christine O'Donnell woman who won the Republican nomination for the Senate in Delaware might just be the gift that keeps on giving. Apparently, she appear on Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" some 22 times during the course of its run. (Really? 22 times? In my reading up on this woman, it has yet to be explained to me why she was on any show at all. What does she do? What is her habitat? What does she feed her young? So many questions.) And now he wants her on his show. "Maher joked that he’s going to show a fresh clip of O’Donnell every week on his show until O’Donnell agrees to appear again on his show. “I’m just saying, Christine, it’s like a hostage crisis,” he said, “every week you don’t show up, I’m going to throw another body out.” And judging from the body that was thrown out yesterday, she's really going to need to think this one over...and quick.

The latest revelation to come via a clip from Bill Maher is brought to us by the fine folks over there at Think Progress. This was apparently a previously unaired clip. I have no idea why it was unaired, as it is simply fabulous. In the segment, Ms. O'Donnell, the anti-masturbation candidate, talks about her foray into (wait for it) witchcraft. That's right. Witchery. She said, "I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I'm not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do. One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar and I didn't know it. I mean, there was a little blood there and stuff like that....We went to a movie and then had a little picnic on a satanic altar."

OK, hold on a minute there, lady! How does one "dabble" in witchcraft? You had a cauldron, but no stir stick? You had the eye of newt, but not the tongue of frog? What does that mean? And what does it mean that you hung around folks "who were doing these things"? Doing what things? Chanting crazy spells and acting like they have powers? Those sort of things?

I'd also like to know how one goes on a date with an alleged (and likely self-proclaimed) witch and doesn't know it. Seriously, wouldn't the pointy hat give it away? And what movie does one go to see on a witchy first date? I mean, is it a Witches of Eastwick sort of deal or is it more of a Harry Potter-ish genre? I also have several questions about the "little blood" on the satanic altar. Um, so...how'd...how'd that get there? What kind of blood are we talking here? Like, biting the head off of a chicken, a la Ozzy Osbourne blood? Or sacrificing a human being to the all mighty Satan sort of blood? If I had to guess, I'd probably go with the red paint from Home Depot wanna be blood. But that's just a guess.

You know, witches aren't real. There are people who call themselves witches. They're real. But the as for being able to do the real witch stuff? I'm not so sure that there's a lot of validity in their craft. (I mean, flying on a broom? That doesn't seem like it would work all that well.) But I'd really like to know what those two kids did on their second date, I can tell you that. Oh, but in her defense (if there is such a thing in this matter), she did make it clear that she did not join a coven, so that's something! I don't know what, but it is absolutely something. (What would that entail do you suppose? The whole joining of the coven? Like some sort of sorority initiation or something? Is there hazing involved? What about a keg?)

She's only been the nominee for less than a week and we've already be privy to her anti-masturbation stance and her tendency to go on dates with witches atop a satanic altar. (I still really want to know what they ate at the picnic.) And I'm sure that there are more glorious revelations to come. In the meantime, if you're still a little confused on who Christine O'Donnell is and what she stands for (sort of), you can check out the always amusing and sometime enlightening Taiwanese animation of the whole deal. Please do not let the scene in which the young farm boy is choking a chicken go by without acknowledging the double entendre. It's sheer genius is what it is.

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