A Disappointed Idol Fan

You know, I realize that American Idol is one of the top shows on American television. I get that. But when I see videos like the one below, it concerns me about just who the people are who are watching the show. I can only hope (and pray a lot) that the majority are not like the woman below. This woman (seemingly) gets very into American Idol. She seems to have a lot of emotion invested in the show. And it became clear to me after the announcement of the winner, that this woman (with a lot of emotion invested) was not a Lee Dewyze fan. It's hard to say if it was all of the shrieking that she was doing (while her shirtless husband attempted to read on the couch behind her) or if it was her yelling something about how her life was now ruined (and let me tell you, judging from her almost massive girth and the trailer that she seems to live in, I don't know that her life was all that pristine to begin with), but she was upset. Darn near hysterical. You would have thought the Beatles were in town (and that it was 1964).

The entertaining, but slightly unnerving, video of this woman flipping out is below. Please turn your sound down low and make sure that any dogs that have sensitive ears are out of earshot. They'll howl the way that they do when a fire engine drives by. Also, there's a little red box that says "Part 2" that is hovering in the screen the entire time. Don't click on it. It's not a Part 2. It's some sort of "Obama Deception" video. I mean, if you're into that sort of crap, by all means, click away. But if you're clicking because you're expecting to see more of this highly emotional woman, don't bother. You'll just be irritated that the dillweed put it on that video in anticipation that people would click it.

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American Idol And Simon Cowell Say Farewell

American Idol wrapped up the tenth (and possibly final) season the other night by crowning the adorable former paint salesman Lee Dewyze as our new American Idol. And as is the tradition in the final American Idol show each season, the episode took on the characteristics of a mid-1970s variety show, with every sort of imaginable musical act (in theory) taking the stage. Let's take a look at some of those who graced our presence.

There were the remaining two Bee Gees, Barry and Robin Gibb, singing "How Deep Is Your Love" with the seemingly eight-year old Aaron Kelly and quirky glass blower, Siobhan Magnus. Now, considering that American Idol's target demographic is 18-49 year olds, it's kind of an odd choice to have The Bee Gees on there. That song came out in 1977. And I have nothing against The Bee Gees. How they manage to make what they do sound good is beyond me. I'm just saying that I don't think that the majority of the audience watching that was thinking, "Oooh! The Bee Gees!" I'm guessing the majority were thinking, "Why is Professor Frink singing with a gay Kenny Rogers?"

Hall & Oates were there. Hall was looking a little weathered, shall we say. He was kind of sporting a Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart sort of look. That is, if Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart wore aviator sunglasses inside. Oates, on the other hand, had finally shaved off his porn star moustache. Granted, Oates isn't the most attractive fellow out there (which explains the gazillion close-ups of Hall, but only fuzzy, long distance shots of Oates), but losing the moustache really was a plug, so I looked at that as an overall win.

Alice Cooper, whom I thought was dead, but wasn't even though he looked like he was, performed "School's Out" with the Final 12 contestants. I didn't really need to see Crystal Bowersox in a schoolgirl's uniform. I just didn't. It's not that she's unattractive or anything, it's just that there's something wrong with a dreadlocked woman wearing a plaid school skirt. I'm just saying. And Alice was twirling what looked like a baton, but I'm guessing it was his cane to help him walk.

Alanis Morissette was there and sang "You Oughta Know" with Crystal Bowersox. I'm not a fan of censoring song lyrics. Mainly because they sound ridiculous when you do. Such was the case in this instance. "You Oughta Know" is about how Morissette's boyfriend (presumably, and strangely, to have been Dave Coulier from "Full House" fame) dumped her and moved on with some other chick as if nothing had ever happened. And if you think that she took that well, you'd be mistaken. She was angry. It's an angry song. It's a kick ass, angry song. So, when they change the line "Would she go down on you in a theatre" to "Would she go down with you to the theatre" it really loses quite a bit. Seriously. You think some chick is that angry because a guy's new girlfriend won't go with him to the movies but she would? It just doesn't work.

While I wasn't sure that Alice Cooper was still alive, I also wasn't sure that Bret Michaels wasn't going to be dead. As a big fan of the 1980s hair bands, I've been pulling for Bret lately. He came out and sang "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" with who will likely be a future Abercrombie & Fitch model, Casey James. That boy doesn't seem like he could spell "cat" if you spotted him the C and the T. It's a good thing he's pretty. But back to Bret. I really enjoy the bandana and the cowboy hat, but I'm starting to think that he's wearing it to cover up some sort of male pattern baldness or something. He always has one or the other on. And I'm kind of thinking that with his recent brain hemorrhage that there would have been a little scalpal shaving going on. You know. So they could stop the bleeding in his brain.

And in somewhat of a surprise move, Janet Jackson came out and performed two songs with lasers! Ooohhhhhh! Now, you'll remember that it was Ms. Jackson who bore her nipple for 9/32nds of a millisecond during a Super Bowl halftime show a gazillion years ago. Apparently, the folks at Fox weren't willing to risk having one of her breasticles or some other part of female anatomy come popping out during this show, so they had her in some sort of skin tight scuba outfit, as if she were getting ready to dive down and plug that oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. And she may be 44, but she rocked it. Nice job, Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty).

And since this was Simon Cowell's last episode of American Idol (as he's moving on to produce the American version of "The X Factor" and make another gazillion dollars), it only made sense to have the incredibly wacky Paula Abdul make an appearance. She gave a rather flat, yet probably heartfelt (as much as someone that pilled up can be heartfelt) speech which included a line that I'm pretty sure she never envisioned herself saying. She said, "American Idol is not going to be the same without you. But as only I can tell you,it will go on." I really don't think that she anticipated the show going on without her. I think that's why she was holding out for more money. Granted, she deserved it. But I don't think that she thought that they were going to call her bluff. Sorry, Paula. If it's any consolation, I think America misses you and your unintelligible antics.

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Middle Eastern Pop-Culture Poetry

If you ever really want to know just how different American pop-culture is from, say, pop-culture in the Arab world, just take a gander at some of the top rated TV shows in each land and you'll notice some startling differences. Actually, forget "shows" plural. How about "show" singular? Top rated show in America these days? American Idol. Top rated show in the Arab world? The Million's Poet. That's right. Poet.

Here's the gist of the show: While on American Idol, contestants get on stage and sing a song of their choice (which falls under the guides of whatever the ridiculous theme is that week), on The Million's Poet, contestants get on stage and read a poem. My. That sounds...well...simply awful.

First of all, I had no idea that the Arab world was so into poetry. Is that new? I can't think of many things that I would rather do less than go somewhere and listen to someone read their poetry in front of a microphone. Oh, no, wait, wait! I thought of something. Going somewhere to listen to someone read their haiku in front of a microphone. I'd rather hang myself than do that. It's not that I'm specifically against poetry or anything. It's just that I don't think I get it. Maybe it sounds nice, I don't know. But it certainly isn't going to make me all weepy or anything. Now, when some of those American Idol folks try to hit those high notes and they're screaming like someone just nailed both of their feet to the floor, that can get me a little weepy (but that's only because it feels like both of my eardrums are bleeding). But poetry? I think not.

Bottom line here is that I'm not a fan of poetry. But that's not what this is about. No, this is about how the Arab world has found their very own Susan Boyle, so to speak, through their hit show The Million's Poet. They have found this poet whose poetry really resonates with a lot of the folks who are doing the voting, both in the audience and by text message, just like American Idol. (Yes. There is voting. By text message. For a poetry show. This story is so modern and yet, so backwards all at the same time. And this gets weirder, believe me.) There are even three judges, but if you're thinking that you're going to be seeing the Arabian equivalent of Paula Abdul, you're completely mistaken. Here's one of the judges now. Behold!

(I said it got weirder, what did you expect?!) According to an article over there at The Huffington Post, a one Hissa Hilal "...recites poetry that brazenly calls out for women's rights and the end of Islamic extremism." Wow! That's pretty gutsy of...um...Hissa? Yes. Yes, it is. Even more gutsy considering that Hissa is a woman. And even more weirder when you see the show in action. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? THAT is a one Hissa Hilal, "...a housewife and mother of four from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia." She's dressed like that because "As is required of Saudi women appearing in public, she is covered from head to toe in a traditional abaya." Now, I realize that "traditional abaya" is a hard phrase to remember. I have a different name for it which will be much easier to remember. I call it "the beekeeper's uniform". Can you believe that's just a regular part of a hit reality show over there in Dubai and wherever else? Totally expected. Totally "normal". Not a problem for them. Not a problem. Wow.

I'm kind of thinking that she has to be a little bit relieved to be in the beekeeper's uniform, as "Hilal's poetry has, not surprisingly, led to death threats by Islamic extremists." Ah, yes. The ever predictable death threats by Islamic extremists so that they can, once again, show just how completely reasonable they really are. Hilal says of the death threats "Killing a human being is so easy for them, it is always an option." Granted, there have been days when I could only wish that killing a human being was an option. But for it to actually always be an option? It's barbaric to say the least (but I can see the handiness in it all if you don't let it go to your head).

Last week in the voting, "...she received the highest overall score in last week's semifinals, pushing her through to this Wednesday's final (and its $1.3 Million prize for the winner). " Holy crap. 1.3 million bucks?! What do you get if you win American Idol? A record deal? Is that record deal worth 1.3 million bucks?! I guess in some cases (Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson) it could be, but am I really to leave this conversation thinking that Taylor Hicks and Fantasia ended up with anything in the freaking neighborhood of $1.3 million? I don't think anyone could be expected to believe that, really.

Hissa Hilal claims not to be afraid for herself, but says that she is kind of worried about her children. Seems reasonable, considering the beekeeper uniform wearing society that she lives in. I'd be worried as hell about my kids. But she does what she does because "I am hoping my daughters won't have to cover their faces and they'll live a better life." You know what lady? Me too.

Seriously, how insecure must some folks be (Translation: How small must their penis actually be?) that they have to make up some sort of crazy rule for their crazy lifestyle that says that women must wear the beekeeper's uniform? And it is a crazy rule that was made up. The beekeeper's uniform came into existence right about the same time that Star Wars came out. I think some of those Arab folks saw Darth Vader in his little outfit and thought that seemed like a good thing to implement for the women folk. Since that mask and all of that hissing would have been tricky to pull off, they just went with the beekeeper look instead. Darth Vader, the beekeeper uniform, both extremely similar to each other.

I'm hoping that this chick wins the $1.3 million and uses it to get herself and her family the heck out of Dodge. I'm afraid that if she wins and sticks around for very long that she's going to find herself sans head one day. I can understand her wanting to hang around and further her cause, but it's really hard to further much when you're dead. I'm just sayin'.

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Worst Graduation Song Ever

With the return of American Idol this week for it's ninth season (and the last one with my beloved Simon Cowell), I thought that it would be appropriate to explain just how important it is to be honest with people in your life. Wait. What? Honesty and American Idol go hand in hand? Correct.

See, a lot of the "hopefuls" that tryout for American Idol are not very good. Fortunately, I don't have the "privilege" of listening to all of the auditions. If I did, they never would have been able to hold the auditions on one of those upper floors of whatever building they were at over there in Boston because the temptation to hurl myself out of one of those plate glass windows would have been too strong to overcome at times. But when you hear how horrible some of the "hopefuls" are, you wonder why they are there in the first place?

Now, I firmly believe that some folks know that they are awful and that they are there simply to get on TV (because apparently, it doesn't matter what you're on TV for, if you're on TV, then that is automatically supposed to be "good". Armed robbery, horrible singing, kicking bunnies, etc. It doesn't matter. But if you're on TV, then you've scored! Idiots....)

But I also firmly believe that there are folks who think that they are fantastic, which is why they're trying out for American Idol in the first place. They are convinced that they are going to go into that audition and come out as the next heir to the American Idol throne (which is currently occupied by....um....Kris Allen? Yeah! That's it! Kris Allen!). And the reason that they are convinced of this is because their entire family has lied to them over the course of several years and told them how "good" they were, when in reality nothing could be farther from the truth.

Those people are awful. They should never sing again for the rest of their lives and with some of them, it's really questionable as to whether or not they should ever talk again either. So why are they trying out for American Idol? Because they think that they can sing because (probably well-intentioned) folks have lied to them their entire lives and told them that they're good. And when you convince someone of something that isn't true and then it has to come to light that it isn't true, well, there are consequences, my friend. There are consequences.

And in the case of those who think that they can sing, the main consequence is that the rest of us have to be put through the trauma of having to listen to them attempt to croon some sort of melody that only comes out sounding like a cat in a blender. (No offense to any cats in blenders out there.) Who is that good for? It's not good for me. It's not good for you. It's not good for them. And it certainly isn't good for the cats.

And this is what can happen when you don't quash someone's dreams and/or delusions at an early stage. Below is, quite possibly, the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life (and I've watched American Idol since Season One!). Seriously, who thought that this was a good idea? The band director should be fired...at. That's right. Physically shot. What did Journey ever do to that band?! I'm guessing nothing! There's no reason for this. None. It's horrible. Did anyone think it wasn't horrible? I can't imagine.

See what I mean? You cannot tell me that the chick singing that song is going to be watching that video the day after and thinking, "Man! I rocked!" No. That can't happen. (The fist pumps only made it worse for me.) Who thought that was a good idea? You know, to have her sing. (She was singing, wasn't she? It's so hard to tell.) Were there no other aspiring "singers" in that graduating class? None? What about a trained seal? Some sort of barking dog? Anything really.

But why did it happen? Likely because someone (lots of someones, probably) couldn't tell someone else "no". No one could find the guts to say to anyone "Um, she can't sing. You? Yeah, you! You can't sing." NO one could say that. I find it astonishing. She was SO bad, wouldn't the thought of not saying anything and the realization that you're going to have to actually listen to that be motivation enough to pipe up and say something?! I guess not, but it's a shame. And let this just be some sort of lesson or reminder or incentive to all of you out there who are tolerating a horrible singer in your life. Say something now, lest the rest of the world be subject to that same sort of otic atrocity.

One more thing. Kudos to the band for being able to play at all with that singing right in front of you. I don't know how you guys did it. You're amazing. Happy graduation. It's over.

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