Leave Charlie Sheen Alone

There's an awful lot of scary stuff going on in the world right now and I need a break. Thank God for Charlie Sheen. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd type.)

As you may or may not be aware, Charlie Sheen is in rehab. And from what I can tell, he is none too happy about it. I base that solely on a text message that Charlie apparently sent to a one Dylan Howard, the senior editor at RadarOnline which read: "People don't seem to get it.... Guy can't have a great time and do his job also? Bunch of turds." Is it sad that it doesn't surprise me at all that Charlie Sheen has the number of the senior editor at RadarOnline? It's certainly not shocking, that's for sure.

Charlie Sheen is a party animal. He seems to like to work during the week and then turn his weekends into one long, drug fueled, stripper fest with a bunch of mattress actresses. But then on Monday or whenever it is that he is supposed to be back on the set of "Two and a Half Men", he's there! He puts in his time, he does his job and everything is fine. Yeah, not so fast.

"Two and a Half Men" is gold to CBS. That show nets them millions and millions. And they don't want anything to happen to their cash cow. Unfortunately, the cow likes to really party it up in the barn with all of his hooker heifers. This apparently has people worried for his "well-being". And really, in this situation, I don't know if they should get all up in arms about it.

See, some people can really party and still manage to live. Have you seen Keith Richards lately? He looks awful, but you can't tell me that thirty years ago, folks would have bet money that he'd be alive and kickin' it today. No way. But some folks are just like that. The human body is amazing. So many people think that the body is some precious little snowflake, but in reality, the human body kicks ass. It can take an awful lot of abuse. And Charlie Sheen seems pretty bent on seeing what his limits actually are.

On the one hand, I understand why people are concerned about Charlie Sheen. It would appear that he is on the path of self-destruction. On the other hand, as long as he can do his job and function, does it matter? I mean, no one wants to see anyone self destruct. I get that. But is he hurting anyone besides himself? Does he have children? Yes? OK, then. That's not good. If he was child free, I'd be free of criticism (other than the fact that someone with that much money should really find a better use for it other than hookers and blow). But he's not, so let's not overlook that.

Considering that the show is about a drunken womanizer (which is basically what Charlie Sheen is in real life), I don't know that CBS should really be messing with a good thing. After all, the show does seem funnier when you're aware of the back story that goes on in real life. Let him do what he does and leave him alone.

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You Can Eat That? Part Deux

It's really hard to know where to start with this one. I guess I'll start with the obvious and say that I wouldn't have expected this to be anywhere but in the south. Personally, I would have guessed Flori-duh. You can imagine my surprise (but not complete disbelief) when I learned that it actually took place in Kentucky. Apparently, Kentucky has its own special way of working out differences between folks that involve a lot of alcohol and a twenty dollar lawnmower.

Meet Clem. (His real name is Harvey Westmoreland, but I have a hard time calling him anything but Clem when I read this story. It was between Clem and Cleetus, but I think I'll make Cleetus his brother.)

Apparently, Clem's brother, Cleetus, had been doing some work for a one Troy Holt. Now, it would seem that before this incident these guys were friends. I use the term friends loosely, as I don't have any friends that get involved in these sorts of hijinks. Troy and his friend, a one James Hill, called up Clem and asked him to come over to where Cleetus was working for Troy. (He was cleaning out stalls of some sort. I'm guessing that there are horses involved. Fortunately, that's as far as their involvement goes, however. Those horses should consider themselves lucky that they didn't get dragged into this.) And according to Clem, "They called and wanted me to come around there and when I got there, I realized they were already drunk." Of course they were already drunk. You don't get a story like this without copious amounts of alcohol.

For some reason, after Clem gets there, Troy offers to buy his lawnmower from him for $250. I don't know if the lawnmower was already there or if Clem regularly travels on his lawnmower, but drunken Troy wanted to buy his mower. Well, Clem had only paid $20 for the mower, so he thought that he was getting quite the deal and agreed to it. The way things develop after this are a little cloudy, but apparently, drunken Troy felt like he was getting ripped off. Little did he realize that he was the one who was ripping himself off, as he is the one who offered up the $250 for the mower in the first place (which I was imagining to be a push mower, but was apparently was the mower pictured here). That's when, according to Clem, "He thought I was trying to cheat him. One thing led to another, and before I knowed it, there were knives and guns and everything just went haywire." I think that things were a little haywire before the guns and knives came out, but I see his point.

Side note: I'm going to start throwing that phrase into conversation and see if anyone notices. Before I knowed it. I think it'll catch on. What? You don't? People everywhere are saying "Run and tell that, homeboy!" I think "before I knowed it" has a shot.

So, where was I? Oh, right. The haywire. It's at this point that Mr. Holt and Mr. Hill allegedly cut off Clem's beard and (wait for it) forced him to eat it. Now, I'm not exactly sure how that would happen. First of all, what are they cutting it off with? The knives that they pulled? OK, I guess I get that. But like, did they make him eat all of it? From the pictures, Clem has a pretty good sized beard. Had he been forced to eat all of it, it would have definitely constituted a meal. I don't know how much beard I could possibly eat, though I'd imagine that it would be a pretty sizable amount if I had a gun pointed at me.

This is probably the sort of caper that could only occur when alcohol is involved. Who in their sober mind would force someone to eat their own beard? How do you force someone to eat their own beard? It's as bizarre as it is disgusting. And something tells me that there is a little more to this story that ol' Clem there isn't saying. I don't know what it is, but there has to be something else involved here. Mr. Hill and Mr. Holt are to be sentenced on Tuesday. Perhaps after that, they might be able to speak up a little bit about what happened and fill in some of the blanks here.

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J-Lo Induced Arson

I guess if you're going to watch a movie with your wife, it's probably a good idea to make sure that the movie doesn't contain an actress which will cause said wife to burn your boat, burn your go-kart, burn your jacuzzi and threaten to put your dogs to sleep. Wait. What now?

Correct. Naturally, this took place in Flori-duh. And as we learn from the NWF Daily News, there's all sorts of strange going on in this one. What we have here is a one 34-year old and old enough to know better Shannon Wriska of Milton, Florida, who had watched a movie with her husband, a one Robert Wriska. While we do not know which movie they watched, we do know that it starred Jennifer Lopez. We later learn that Mrs. Wriska is not a fan of the J-Lo, as evidenced by her wacky behavior after the unknown movie. (In her indefensible defense, if she was somehow forced to sit through the God awful Gigli, I can understand being a tad bit irate. It's time out of your life that you'll never get back.)

According to the police report, "Robert stated his wife was very jealous of the actress and did not like him seeing her in the movie. He said an argument ensued over the ...and Shannon later left the house". Very jealous of the actress? Look, I'm not defending this nutjob, but did Robert have any part in perpetuating the jealousy? Any comments like "I wish you looked like her" or "I'd divorce you and marry her in a second"? Anything like that? It still doesn't justify what happened later, but it would lend just a bit of understanding to the seemingly disturbed woman. (And she left? Really? Over J-Lo on the TV? It's not like J-Lo was in their living room. But she left anyway. Hmm. OK, then.)

Now, would you think that a normal person would still be mad about this the next day? (It IS a movie, after all. And really, it's Jennifer Lopez. She's hot and all, don't get me wrong, but I just don't see what folks see in her past the obvious attractiveness.) The key phrase there would be "normal person", which Mrs. Wriska does not seem to be. That's because the next day, when she saw Robert drinking over at their neighbor's house (Oh, come on! Like you couldn't figure out that alcohol was going to be involved in this! Please! I've taught you better than that, haven't I?), Shannon then walked outside of their trailer (And don't you even try to tell me that you didn't see it coming that they lived in a trailer, either! You knew it! I knew it! We all knew it! There had to be alcohol AND a trailer involved!) and "...started pulling hoses off of the motor of his go-kart and lit it on fire". (All right. I didn't really see the go-kart coming into the picture, but I can't say I'm overly surprised at this point.)

As Robert tried to put out the flames on his beloved kart "...he saw Shannon drive away in her vehicle with his dogs, saying she was going to “put them to sleep"." Oh, yeah. That's real normal there. What is wrong with you, ma'am? Seriously. What kind of crazy, drunken, J-Lo hating, go-kart torching woman does such a thing? Probably the same kind of woman who also tries to torch a boat after the go-kart owner resumes drinking beer with the neighbor.

Seriously? Seriously. After Robert went back over to the neighbor's (probably for some much, much needed alcohol) "...someone came in the house and said that Shannon was lighting Robert’s boat on fire and that she was attempting to light a Jacuzzi on fire by pouring gasoline inside of it". (I'm kind of impressed (or amused) that they live in a trailer in Flori-duh and yet have plenty of toys. Go-karts, boats, Jacuzzis, the works. Why the trailer, folks?) Can we just presume that the jacuzzi was empty when she was pouring gasoline inside of it? In this case? Umm...probably not.

As you would imagine (or at least, hope) Shannon was later arrested. When being interviewed at the jail, "...she stated both she and her husband had been fighting throughout the night of Sept. 1 and into the following day. Shannon said Robert called her several times, verbally “harassing” her." Oh, no. Not verbally "harassing" her! You're going to get yourself a go-kart burnin' if you keep that up! Or will you? She also stated that "...Robert lit the go-kart on fire, and (she) didn’t admit to lighting anything on fire." Of course she didn't. Noooo. That boat and that Jacuzzi just spontaneously combusted. And of course he would light his own go-kart on fire. Sure, that makes sense. Or maybe it doesn't. What makes more sense is never watching a movie with Jennifer Lopez in it if this woman is anywhere around you. Oh, and by the way. She looks just like you think she does. Behold!

Told you so.

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...Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

From the files of "Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved", we have this tale from somewhere called Spartanburg County, South Carolina: A woman stole a sandwich from McDonald's. How she stole it will shock you gross you out.

According to WYFF4.com, a woman bought two sandwiches and two small coffees. That seems reasonable. What does not seem reasonable is that after she bought them and after she received them, she took one of the sandwiches and shoved it down the front of her pants. Wait. What?

That's right. Shoved it down her pants. For the purpose of what, you ask? Why, for the purpose of getting a free sandwich, of course. See, her story was that "...her order had been shorted" and "...the employees owed her a free one". Granted, the employees were right there. It's not like it was all that hard to figure out what went on. It was probably a little harder to figure out why it went on, however.

Anyway, as these crazy people tend to do, this woman, a one Lori Turner, became loud (ie, swearing). In fact, "The responding deputy said he could hear Turner screaming obscenities at the cashier when he went into the McDonald’s." Wow. OK, lady. Calm down. Or something. Actually, what say you take that sandwich out of your pants and then you calm down, OK? First things first. Oh, and by the way, this woman looks just like you'd expect her to look. Behold!

See? When the officer took the woman outside, he "...said he could see a large grease stain on the front of her pants." Yeah, McDonald's isn't exactly the healthiest place to be pilfering items to shove down your trousers, that's for sure. Maybe if she were stealing sushi rolls or something she would have gotten away with it. But not with the telltale grease stain from the golden arches. No way. And of course, grease stain and all, the woman "...denied having the sandwich until a female officer arrived to search her." Gross. Whoever that female officer was deserves some sort of bonus or day off or something for being called in for that duty. Fortunately for that female officer, "Turner pulled the sandwich out of her pants and put it on the hood of the police car." Finally.

Naturally, she "...continued to shout profanities and smelled of alcohol". I'm dying to know what she was saying. I can only imagine. I just don't understand this entire scenario at all. I mean, she clearly had enough money for two sandwiches and two coffees. As far as I can tell, she was by herself. She couldn't have maybe only ordered one coffee and three sandwiches. And why are they calling them 'sandwiches'. They're burgers, aren't they? I don't think of a sandwich as something that is going to leave a grease stain when I shove it down the front of my pants. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. I don't do things like that. On weekdays.)

But of all of these intricacies that perplex me, here's the one that I really can't fathom: "The McDonald’s refunded Turner’s money and had her put on a trespassing order." The trespassing order I get. The refunding of her money?! What is up with that?! Why would they give her money back? Were they not paying attention? The sandwich was IN HER PANTS! It's hers! She paid for it. She received it. She put it in her pants. There should be no refunding of anything! You can't just put some McDonald's down your pants and not expect to pay for it. Granted, I'm sure that she's paying for this in more ways than one, but you see what I'm saying, right? Good.

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No Husband Is Not An Emergency

Look, I understand that people get lonely. I understand that you feel bad when your relationship or your marriage or whatever you had going on with someone else doesn't work out. It sucks. We all know it sucks. And the sooner that we replace that person that is missing (whether we threw the loser out or whether the loser ran as fast as they could in the opposite direction), the sooner that it stops sucking (or start sucking, which is better in a couple of instances). While I realize that it may seem like something that is extremely urgent that you want to have happen and that it may feel like an emergency, you're going to have to find that replacement mate in some other fashion other than dialing 911 five times in one hour. Wait. What now?

Correct. Let's meet Audrey Kay Scott, shall we? Behold!

According to Fox8 News Audrey "...is going through a divorce...She says the last five weeks have been rough. Last week when she moved into a new apartment, Audrey, who friends call Kay, decided to celebrate." Hmm. I'm guessing that if you're getting divorced and having to move into a new apartment, you're not really going to be celebrating quite as much as you are going to be drinking yourself into some sort of stupor.

Kay explains that "I drank too much vodka and I got lonely and sad because all my friends are with my husband now and I have no family." Yes, that would make one lonely and sad to be in that situation. I'm not saying that it would make one pick up the phone and call 911 looking for a new husband, but I am saying that the lonely and sad part is probably legit.

But legit or not, she did call 911. The call went something like this:

Husbandless Caller: "Get me that husband"

Dispatcher: "You need to get a husband?"

Drunken, Husbandless Caller: "Yes."

Dispatcher: "You're calling 911 to get a husband? Do you know you can get arrested for dialing 911?"

Unremorseful, Drunken, Husbandless Caller: "Let's do it."

Dispatcher: "You want to get arrested for dialing 911?"

About To Be Arrested, Unremorseful, Drunken Husbandless Caller: "Absolutely."

Seems to me that, drunk or not, Kay isn't exactly playing with a full deck. She seems to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Afterwards, she explained, "The officer said you cannot abuse the system we have serious things to respond to and this is not one of them and he said you need to learn this lesson, so I went to prison and I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world." Oh, how I only wish that reporting these days wasn't so completely craptastic that the reporter would have asked her why she wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world. I can think of a whole lot of things that I'd trade three days in jail for. She can't think of a one. Hmmm.

Speaking of craptastic reporting, explain to me what in the world this little tidbit is supposed to mean: "Kay admits she was drinking and says she was looking for her husband, not a love connection." Seriously. What, exactly, does that mean? We know she was looking for a husband. That's the first thing she said. "Get me that husband." It seems fairly clear. Why would we think that she was really looking for a love connection (whatever that is supposed to mean)? Was Chuck Woolery the 911 operator?

Apparently, after appearing in court (having spent those three glorious "wouldn't trade them for anything" days in jail), "The judge ordered her to attend alcoholics anonymous meetings, which she is attending daily." That seems reasonable. Too bad that they don't have any meetings about things that are better than jail. Sounds to me like she could use some of those meetings as well.

But in the end, "Kay says she is sorry she called 911, but says her drunk dial ultimately pushed her toward the straight and narrow." What does that mean? Not the part about being sorry! I know what being sorry means! The part about the straight. And the narrow! I'm not so sure that I consider NOT calling 911 for a husband being on "the straight and narrow". I call that "explaining to a moron what is and isn't OK".

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Lindsay Lohan: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I've been waiting for this day for a long time. In some ways, I had hoped that it would never come. But in other ways (a lot of other ways), I couldn't wait for it to arrive. And now that day is finally here! That's right. Lindsay Lohan is in trouble again. Woo-hoo!

Do I really enjoy watching the fall of the once bright and shining star? Yeah, I kinda do. If they weren't such douchebags on their way up, their fall down might not be so enjoyable. But they are and it is and that's why we're at where we are today. And I think it's only going to get better.

Here's the scoop: According to the huffy folks over at The Huffington Post, Lindsay Lohan "...has been on probation since August 2007 after pleading guilty to misdemeanor drug charges and no contest to three driving charges." Now, see, she was supposed to be in court for stuff related to her probation this last Thursday Yeah, but see, she was in Cannes. Allegedly for the Cannes Film Festival. I don't recall reading anywhere about her actually attending any films. Parties? Yes. Films? Not so much.

Now, she fully intended to be back in the States for her court date. Oh, sure! Of course, she did! Absolutely. But....well....someone stole her passport. Yeah. That's it. Someone stole her passport. Uh-huh. So she couldn't come back. Not without a passport. Yeah, that's the ticket. Dog ate my homework. She lost her passport. But don't worry. She managed to find a way to pass the time. Behold!


Huh. Interesting way for someone who is on probation to pass the time. Is that cocaine? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. It's hard to tell, especially if you're asking Lindsay because she told Radar Online "That's a set up that's so untrue.” Now, she didn't say how it's a set-up or what is untrue, but that's what she said. I'm thinking she would have been better off (and probably more believable) if she had just gone with "Nuh-UH!"

OH, wait! I just read over at Huffington Post that she explains the photo with the "white powder" (and her holding what appear to be short tubes similar to the kind used as substance snorting implements) as "I thought I was taking a picture with a fan." Uh-huh. That's how you pose for your fan pictures? What kind of a fan was this? Ceiling fan?

So, she misses her court date and the prosecutor and the judge are not happy. The judge issues a warrant which is recalled almost immediately because someone posted the $100,000 bond to get the warrant recalled. I didn't know that you could do that. I thought you had to at least show up in person and then get the bond posted. Maybe there are different rules for the has-been and strung out.

And yesterday was court! Woo-hoo! She showed up to court wearing a shirt that was pretty much opened up all the way down to the lower end of her sternum. If she actually had any breasts, they would have been falling out all over the place. The judge ended up ordering her to wear an alcohol monitoring bracelet and also required her to submit to drug and alcohol testing every week. As you can imagine, that did not sit well with Lindsay. Her attorney tried to argue that the alcohol monitoring bracelet would interfere with her plans to shoot a movie (currently titled "Machete" and sounding like quite a winner) in Texas.

Now, I don't know how abstaining from drinking alcohol is going to interfere with a movie shoot in any of our southern states. And fortunately, the judge wasn't aware of any reasons either. When Lindsay's lawyer did protest too much, the judge said "...that she was prepared to spend a half-hour reading Lohan and (her attorney) a list of her reasons for ordering the bracelet, drug tests and an alcohol-education program." Half an hour? That's it?

Look, she's had one of these bracelets on before. That was three years ago back in 2007. She's had plenty of time to continue to wreck the train that is her life. Will she be able to pull it off again this time? She's going to have to go until at least July when her next hearing is. (I think that's when they will be discussing her "losing" her passport.) She's going to be missing at least one of the prime summer drinking months (the prime months being all of them), not to mention all of the prime coke snorting days (those seem to be all of them for her as well). And honestly, I can't tell you which way I want this one to turn out. On the one hand, I'm all for anyone getting their act cleaned up. But on the other hand, this could get pretty entertaining if she keeps going down this road. Let's see if she can make it until July without any problems and then decide, shall we? That seems fair, considering that I'm not sure that she can make it until Thursday without any problems.

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No Eel Zone

Today's lesson is (unfortunately) one in human anatomy. And while anatomy can be a complicated subject at times, this lesson is quite simple. You probably won't even need to take notes. It's one concept and it's so basic I can't believe I even need to go over it here. But, of course, there was an...incident. And I felt that it warranted a wee bit of discussion. Ready? Here we go. Today's lesson is: Some parts of the human body are OUT ONLY.

Let's go to Sichuan, China where a bunch of guys were drinking to excess and one of them inevitably passed out. Now, I'll admit that it does seem kind of amusing to do funny things to people when they're completely comatose on the living room couch, bathroom floor, wherever, really. Put makeup on them. Make funny signs and put them next to them and post the photos on Facebook. Take off all of their clothes and carry the drunkard into the stairwell. Things like that are hilarious. It's when the hilarity tries to involve live aquatic creatures that it stops becoming hilarious and starts to tread down the path of WTF?

Now, according to something called The Shanghaiist, the drunk in this story was a 59-year old man who was a chef (why they felt the need to include that is completely beyond me, as it has nothing to do with this story AT ALL!) who was taken "...to a Sichuan hospital complaining of abdominal pain, dehydration and a great deal of anal bleeding. He was soon diagnosed as being in a severe state of shock." I think I'd be in a severe state of shock as well if I had a great deal of bleeding coming from that particular area. Yes, that IS shocking, I agree.

Now, something called Guanabee tells us since the doctors couldn't figure out what was causing the pain (you know, probably stemming from all of the arse bleeding that was going on) they "...obtained permission from the family to conduct a laparotomy– a surgical incision into the abdominal wall done to examine the abdominal organs." Yipes. Yeah, you think that's bad? Just wait. It ain't nothing like bad, yet.

(WARNING: This is really not for anyone. If there was an "NO" rating, meaning it was for NO ONE, that is what this would be rated. You've been warned.) Once they cut the dude open, it was apparent what had gone wrong. What had gone wrong and what had gone IN. That's right. They found (brace yourself) "...a 50cm long, dead Asian swamp eel stuck in the man’s rectal region. The slithery fish had bit it’s way through the intestine." Oh, my God! Stop it now!

An EEL?!!? FIFTY CENTIMETERS LONG?! I'll do that math and convert that to the English equivalent so that you'll know that we're talking about 25 inches, or just over TWO FREAKING FEET LONG! IN the OUT DOOR!! Good Lord, people! OUT ONLY! OUT only!! NO EELS ALLOWED!

Here's the part of the story where I began to question how good these doctors actually were. I mean, congratulations on finding the eel after you cut the dude open, but, "...According to reports, the chef had consumed copious amounts of eel the day before, but doctors couldn’t figure out how a live eel ended up in his rectum." Wait. What now?

Is that part about the chef consuming the "copious amounts of eel the day before" a necessary part to put in this story? Or did the docs think that somehow, eating eel would cause a live one to grow inside of you? Or get inside of you? What in the hell does eating eel have to do with any of this?! (I will never look at unagi in the same way ever again. Not that I ever thought it looked all that great to begin with, but when you start putting it in this sort of a context, it's really pretty much over for previous thoughts ever returning without thinking about this horror first.)

Wanna know what having an eel that once used to be alive does when it's inserted into the OUT ONLY area of the human body? Well, first of all, the eel isn't going to like it AT ALL. I say that because "...the eel had apparently already wrought havoc on his innards, biting its way through his intestines prior to dying. Internal bleeding and infection rapidly set in." Yes, I imagine those thing WOULD set in when you have a creature inside of you trying desperately to gnaw its way out. I might not make it to the end of this post. I'm not feeling well.

Have all of you eely sleuths figured out what happened yet? Remember, I mentioned the whole drinking and getting passed-out drunk earlier in this story. Yeah, that DID play a part. Shocking, I know. (No pun intended just because it was an eel.) The article state that "The likely cause was eventually established - he had apparently been drinking with friends, and had passed out. His friends had decided it would be amusing to insert a live eel into his anus whilst he was comatose." Oh. God.

The LIKELY cause?! I'm pretty sure that having your friends shove an eel up your ass is the ONLY cause after one has been found in your rectum. LIKELY cause? I understand not wanting to jump to conclusions or whatever, but when there's only ONE conclusion, by all means, freaking JUMP! What is WRONG with you people?!

Now, not to get overly graphic here or anything, but that must have been quite the chore to get that eel up there. Granted, the thing could have done some slithering on its own, but how much is the question. That area is full of rather tight muscles. I mean, they're tight for a reason. They keep things from going out at the wrong time and, most importantly in this case, they keep things from going IN! And if you're so drunk that you don't realize that something of this nature is happening to you, you need to go to meeting or something. Anything! Granted, this guy croaked, but had he lived, I think a meeting or two would have been in order.

I'm going to leave you with one final visual image. Maybe they used a shoehorn.

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