Charlie Sheen At The Oscars

I know, I know. You're expecting a fashion filled extravaganza which reflects last night's Academy Awards ceremony, aren't you? (Don't get me wrong. I see no reason to not include pictures of the astonishingly lovely Sandra Bullock in this post. Different doesn't have to mean crazy or short-sighted!) Well, you would have gotten it if it hadn't been for my cousin who suggested that I pay attention to a little Twitter fad that took off during the Super Bowl. It seems as if someone had started a hashtag on Twitter called JaneAustenAtTheSuperBowl. And it was just what it sounds like. It was Jane Austen musings as if she were at the Super Bowl. (By the way, just so I'm not too hip for the room, a hashtag is this symbol: #. It designates a specific topic on Twitter. And also, just so I'm clear, Twitter is pretty useless most of the time. My participating in this nonsense should not be interpreted as any sort of indication that I think Twitter is cool. I don't.)

Thus, with that sort of seed planted in my often empty noggin, I thought that the Oscars would need a voice. Maybe not a Jane Austen sort of voice, as a friend of mine was completely appalled that anyone would disgrace the works of Jane Austen (she's really into bonnet movies and bonnet books), but a voice none the less. Then it hit me. Or I fell down because I was drunk. Whichever it was, I had a revelation. What the Oscars needed was more Charlie Sheen. Thus, I created the hashtag #CharlieSheenAtTheOscars and twat periodically throughout the telecast which I occasionally watched. What? Twat is the past tense of tweet, right? I will tweet. I am tweeting. I have twat. Sounds right to me.

And don't think that I ever expected anyone to notice this little method of amusing myself. I didn't. And I think I succeeded by setting my expectations as low as I usually do for things like this. So, since I know you missed it, allow me to take you through the Academy Awards show as seen through the tweets of a very real, yet very fictional Charlie Sheen. Behold!

• At Kodak Theater. Walk w/me side by side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Roll out that red carpet if you want, but I'm rolling out magic bro and I must save it for my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one has acknowledged me yet. I should have been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one has even said hello. I feel like an unwelcome relative given cold coffee every night at nine o’clock.#Charliesheenattheoscars


• Showtime! Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch—it’s about to get really gnarly. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Can't believe they didn't ask me to host. These two suck. I've got poetry in my fingertips.
  #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Screw hosting because that’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed. From the prom queen. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• My tux is uncomfortable. It doesn't fit because my chest and my biceps are too big. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I have effortlessly and magically converted your tin can into pure gold statuettes. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• First award of the night handed out. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars


• The first statuette is free. The next one goes in your mouth. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one at my table has won anything. I'm dealing with fools and trolls here. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• To all the losers: I have real fame, you have nothing. You have zero. I probably have syphilis. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I don't care who wins. I will forget about them as the last image of them exits this beautiful theater. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• There's Natalie Portman. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I am special, and I will never be one of you! I will never have an Oscar. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• If they want me in a sequel, it's a smash. If they don't, it's a turd that opens on a tugboat. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one looks happy. Is the rule that we have to all sit in here and touch ourselves and frown? #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• #Thekidsareallright I don't subscribe to any part of the model. They brainwashed my friends and my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Christian Bale freaking won?? Sorry man. Didn't make the rules. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Jesse Eisenberg looks confused. Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh bye #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I could get nominated one day. There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I'm not Mark Zuckerberg. He was a pussy. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Almost three hours of this so far. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I liked #TrueGrit. There's a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom! That’s the whole movie. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Melissa Leo. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Toy Story 3. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars

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They Wore What To The Oscars?

It's Oscar time! That's right. Can you believe it's been an entire year since a bunch of overpaid Hollywood performers with egos the size of Montana stood on a stage in Hollywood and read monotonously off of a teleprompter as if they've never been before a crowd a day in their lives? I know! Time flies, don't it?

And as is (apparently) my Oscar tradition, I shall continue what I've done for the previous few years by assessing what was worn by those attending this ridiculously self-congratulatory ceremony which has been built up to the point that most of us almost believe that it actually means something. I shall start with the outfit worn by a one Zoe Saldana. It looks like she took a bunch of those fuzzy bath maths and wove them all together to form some sort of a gown, but that could also double as a duvet cover in a bedroom in the 1980s. Behold!

Yeah, I'm not really a fan of that look. But the furry/fuzzy/not flat gown look was prominent this year I noticed. There was Elizabeth Banks in this number that, for some reason, reminded me of pigeons. Made me want to strap a note in a tube to her leg.

Then there was Demi Moore who came out onstage to give the prologue for the footage of clips of everyone who has died this past year. It's kind of like the Elizabeth Banks number, only it's a different color. Demi's dress appears to be tinted an odd color of orange so that it will blend perfectly with her skin. (While I'm on that subject, they left out Farrah Fawcett. I know she didn't do a LOT of movies, but she did movies! How can they leave out Farrah?! They better do her up right at the Emmy Awards.)

I don't know, maybe it's the way that Jennifer Lopez is standing. Maybe it's the angle of the camera. Maybe it's something that I'm just unaware of. Whatever it is, it begs the question, Is there someone else underneath there with her?

Here's Mariah Carey in a similar fashion just as she appears at every single other event that she's at these days. She's always wearing something that does not allow the viewer to EVER, not for one second, EVER forget that she's had ginormous breasticles implanted. Behold!

It's just not normal. That's all I'm trying to say. (Well, that and YES! We KNOW! You like your big, fake breasts! We get it! Now put those things away and go sing something somewhere. You could poke an eye out with one of those.)

Speaking of poking an eye out, here's Nicole Kidman accentuating her breasts as if we wouldn't have been able to find them otherwise.

There was the always adorable, questionably sober Robert Downey, Jr. wearing what might be rain boots and looking like he borrowed his tux and tie from Bill Nye the Science Guy.

I don't know what to say about Sarah Jessica Parker. I thought she looked a little bit like she was trying too hard to look like one of those Oscar statuettes. My friend said that she was aging gracefully. Really? That's what gracefully looks like? Hmmm. If that's graceful, I think I'd rather trip and stumble my way up as I age, thank you very much.

I mean, if Sarah Jessica Parker really wanted to go for that statuette look, she should have taken a few pointers from Best Actress winner Sandra Bullock. Now there's a woman that can wear that look well. She was stunning. I'm so glad she won. (And she knows that accepting that award was likely a once in a lifetime event. It ain't happenin' again. I don't mean it ain't happenin' again any time soon. I mean it ain't happenin' again. Enjoy it while you can, Sandra.)

It looks like Maggie Gyllenhall was going for some sort of tropical wrap look. I think I know what she was going for, but I don't think that she executed the idea very well. It looks like a tie-dye factory exploded on her dress. Either that or it's a dead ringer for some sort of bedsheet with a midnight/full moon through the trees get-up. But I do totally appreciate the effort and the attempt at something a little different.

And finally, we have Ben Stiller presenting the award for Best Makeup whilst looking like a crackwhore smurf. Even he knew how ridiculous that was.

And that wraps up the 2010 fashion at the Oscars. It seems that the fashion has managed to keep itself mostly class and that it is (hopefully and thankfully) past the days of Bjork and the swan dress. Now if we can just add Ben Stiller and his outfit (which made him look like Cher after she's stopped breathing) to the list of get ups that we will never see again, we can consider this year a success.

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