Now That's More Like It

You know how the new iPhone 4S has that "cool" Siri feature that lets you talk to it and it will talk back to you with an appropriate response? You can ask Siri questions about the weather or directions. You can also ask Siri to send lovely text messages to other people for you and have Siri read you their responses. Yeah, that all sounds fine and good. But what I'd really like is for the commercials to be a little more realistic. And I guess that the fine folks over there at College Humor must have felt the same way because they have put together a lovely little parody of those Siri commercials that is just what I was looking for. Enjoy.

See all the CollegeHumor Original Videos here.

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Make 'Em Laugh, Patrice

So, this guy died today. Patrice O'Neal. He was a pretty funny guy. I guess that you kind of have to develop a sense of humor about things if you're a dude who is going through life with the name Patrice. (As an aside, he is survived by his wife, Vondecarlo, his stepdaughter, Aymilyon and his sister, Zinder. Huh. I guess being named Patrice wasn't so bad after all.) Anyway, here's a video of him making some pretty good points about some things. It's both amusing and hard to argue with.

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They Got 99 Languages, But English Ain't One

Having spent a lot of time in the last week wandering about in a hospital, I was doing just about whatever I could in order to not be so freaking bored all of the time. Hospitals aren't exactly a hub of entertainment. (Seriously, what would be the harm in putting a bar in a hospital basement? You know, with like a two drink maximum? Besides being incredibly boring, hospitals are really stressful. I'm thinking that a drink or two to relax folks would be welcomed amongst the non-medical attention needing guests.) One of the things I was doing was reading just about every sign that I came across. That's how I noticed this:

OK, first of all, I don't even know what half of those languages are. Hmoob? That's necessary? For reals? In a country where you're supposed to be able to speak the language before you become a citizen? And at a hospital that is insurance premium paying people only? It doesn't seem like it would be necessary, but then again, I didn't think that pressing '1' for English would ever be necessary either. But what really made me laugh was that English is not included on this sign. Oh, sure. They speak my language...just as long as it isn't English.

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Five Missing Calories

Dr. Pepper has a new version of Dr. Pepper out. It's called Dr. Pepper TEN. I guess it's being marketed to men. No, I don't know why. But maybe their marketing department could spend a little more time with the math department next time. Behold!

Let's see..."10 BOLD TASTING CALORIES PER 8 FL OZ". And it's a 20 FL OZ bottle. So that would make 25 calories per bottle, yes? Not if you're the Dr. Pepper people because it says right there on the right "20 CALORIES PER BOTTLE". Are the calories only in the second half of the fluid ounces? So they don't count those four extra ounces in there because the calories are in the other four ounces that aren't in there? Why aren't those five calories listed? Mind you that for me, this isn't a question of calorie counting. This is a question of basic math. Basic, simple, math.

I have no answers, but I will be emailing Dr. Pepper and inquiring where those five calories went to. Let's see if I get a response back.

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Hating In Peace

I'm not a huge fan of rap (or hip hop as it is apparently now being called), but as a lover of pop culture, I do know who various rappers are. Today, we're going to take a look at a rapper called T.I. and what he thinks about gay people who don't like it when other people don't like the aforementioned gay people.

T.I. did an interview with Vibe magazine. During the interview, the subject of all Americans having equal rights came up. Here are his words of wisdom on the subject: "While T.I. makes clear that he supports anyone’s sexual preference, he then connects, in his opinion, a current oversensitivity among gay people with a consequential and ironic offense of the First Amendment. "They’re like, 'If you have an opinion against us, we're gonna shut you down.' ... That's not American. If you're gay you should have the right to be gay in peace, and if you're against it you should have the right to be against it in peace."


Soooo....wait. He's saying that if someone doesn't like you because of who you are that you should just take it? You shouldn't say anything? You should just let them have their opinion even if it's 'wrong'? And what's this about having the right to be against it "in peace"? See, if someone has an opinion of someone else that is hateful simply because of who that person is and then they kept that opinion to themselves, that would be being against it "in peace". It's the ones who are not against it "in peace" that folks have a problem with.


And wait a minute. Does T.I. know that he's black? Because he's kind of sounding like he doesn't. See, because there are and have been a lot of people who are and have been against people just because they're black. Is he saying that folks just should have let those closed minded bigots be that way in peace and not say anything about it? Is it "un-American" (in T.I.'s weird little world) to try and change narrow minded thinking when it's about skin color? It sounds kind of like it might be. And while I didn't really know who T.I. was before reading this about him, I didn't have an opinion about him. Now that I've read this though? I have an opinion, all right.

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Nine Percent And Dropping

The approval rating of Congress is at an all time low. And I mean low. According to something called the Inquisitr, the people that approve of the job that Congress is doing is at a whopping nine percent. Nine. My only question at this time is who are those nine people and what, exactly, are their standards? I'm guessing that they have relatives in Congress or they're lobbyists. Because I can't think of any other reason why their approval rating would be as high as nine percent.

And what have people approved of more than Congress? Plenty of things. And a lot of them might surprise you. For example, apparently, a Rasmussen poll in 2011 had an 11% approval rating of the United States going Communist. Now, I don't think that being a Communist nation is all that great of an idea, but more people thought it was a better idea than approved of Congress.



Remember the atrocious BP oil spill? Right in the middle of that, 16% of people approved of BP. That was a complete disaster and yet more people approved of that than they did of Congress.



Even Richard Nixon amidst Watergate had better numbers than Congress does now. 24% of people approved of Nixon when it became obvious that he was a liar (and contrary to what he said, probably a crook). That's over two and a half times as many people (as a percentage) than those who currently approve of Congress.



Banks in 2011 are not exactly on anyone's Christmas card list. But for some reason, 23% of people approve of those. So banks are on a par with Richard Nixon and both were rated over twice as high as Congress. If you haven't caught on by now that people really think that Congress sucks, I don't think that there's much I can do for you at this point.

And for some reason, 40% of people approved of the IRS in 2009. I don't know why that's so high, but when you compare it to the 9% approval rating that Congress received, it's astronomically high. No one likes the IRS. How did they get 40% of folks to approve of them? Maybe they could give Congress some tips.


And here's the most amazing part of all of this: Even with a 9% approval rating, it seems that whenever elections roll around, the majority of these bozos end up getting re-elected. I'm not sure if that means that polls like these are meaningless or if the average American voter is a dumbass. What I'm afraid of is that it means both. In which case, we're totally scroomed.

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Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!



My mom is out of the hospital and back at home. This is the most thankful that I have been for anything in a long time. Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for a whole lot of things. But knowing that my mom is going to be OK takes being thankful to a whole different level.

I hope that you've had a wonderful Thanksgiving and were able to be with people who were important to you. Or, if you lean toward being misanthropic (as I tend to do), I hope that you had a great day doing whatever makes you happy and thankful.

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Thanksgiving...Turkeys?

(Side note: My mom is out of the hospital and things have calmed down a bit over here. But we're not doing our Thanksgiving until Sunday so that she'll be more up for it and able to enjoy it more. Let the posting resume.)

OK, so I have the best friend ever. And for Thanksgiving, she wanted to make these little candy turkey things for her table. She was going for this:

Cute, right? Yeah, super cute. But when my friend tried to recreate this cuteness, she ended up with a slightly different version.

They're super cute in their own, unique way, right? Riiiiiiight.

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Sometimes Things Suck

Hi.

My mom is in the hospital. Thus, I don't give a fat rat's ass about whether I post or not. Granted, I most likely will, as she seems to be better (pneumonia when you're 79 is kind of a bitch), but if the posts are late or missing in the next couple of days, you know why. I'm now off to the hospital for another nice long day of sitting.

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That's Not A Doctor

I'm always amazed when I hear stories about fake doctors or dentists who have been operating a "practice" out of their garage or their kitchen or something like that. Someone trying to pretend that they're a doctor doesn't surprise me. People actually going to a fake doctor and seeing that their waiting room is a backyard patio and then sticking around for them to do their fake doctoring are the ones who amaze me. Because the way I see it, you can't be a successful fake doctor without at least a few willing participants. Take this dealio that happened in, naturally, Florida.

According to the Daily Mail, a one Oneal Ron Morris is accused of "...injecting a woman's bottom with cement, super glue and tyre sealant to give her a more 'shapely' rear". Wait a minute. How would those things give someone a better looking ass? Tire sealant? Is that Fix-A-Flat?! Just because someone has a flat ass doesn't mean that inflating it with a chemical sealant is going to work! And someone actually hired this guy? I can't imagine why. Maybe he just has one of those faces that you can trust. Yeah, maybe that's it. Oh. Wait. Here's a picture of him. Yeah, that's not it. Behold!
Hold on. That's a dude?! In what way is that a dude?! And if it is a guy, what is wrong with his ass?! Are we sure this is him? We are? Is there another picture just so we can be sure? There is? Behold!


Oh, well, that's not helping. Holy canoli, look at the size of that thing. That's not normal for a man OR a woman (or whatever that is). So let me get this straight. Someone goes to this "guy" for a butt enhancement. The allegedly male "doctor" comes out looking like this and the patient STILL goes through with it?! Are you kidding me?! WHY on earth would you let this individual do ANYTHING to you? If I were looking to have my buttocks enhanced (and I'm not, thanks) and this dude came walking out, I'd run out of his garage so fast. Wow. And I'm guessing that his "patient" is surprised that something went horribly wrong after her "procedure". I'm thinking that person can be anything but surprised. Surprise should be reserved for when one of these fake doctors does something like this and nothing overly bad happens. That's the surprising part.

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Then Don't Say Anything

It was announced yesterday that Joe Paterno has just recently been diagnosed with a treatable form of lung cancer. Now, I'm not going to get all conspiracy theory-ish here and wonder if someone is trying to do a little damage control by making folks feel sorry for Mr. Paterno instead of currently think of him as some sort of vile individual who shields child rapists from detection. And while I'm far from the conspiracy theory type of person,I could see something like that occurring in this particular situation. I wouldn't put anything past Penn State at this point.


But here's my favorite part about this and all stories like this. Joe Paterno's son issued this statement: "Last weekend, my father was diagnosed with a treatable form of lung cancer during a follow-up visit for a bronchial illness...As everyone can appreciate, this is a deeply personal matter for my parents,and we simply ask that his privacy be respected as he proceed with treatment." Wait. What now?


Yes, I would tend to agree that being diagnosed with any form of cancer would be a personal matter for those personally involved. So I asked you...Scott, was it? I ask you , Scott, if this is so flipping personal, why in the hell did you tell the entire world about your dad's condition? Does the world need to know? I'm not so sure that they do if it's as personal as you'd like us all to believe that you think that it is. If you wanted privacy, I'm pretty sure that not telling the entire world you business is a much better way to go about getting said privacy.


I guess I just don't get how those people over there do anything. They hear about child rape and they keep that a secret. They get diagnosed with cancer and they tell the entire world. shouldn't it have been the other way around?

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No Internet Sucks

9I have little to no Internet right now. It's as frustrating as it is disappointing. And while Jimmy and Rajesh (who I think might be the same person) in India are doing their best to get me up and running again, I'm slowly losing hope. Anyway, this explanation is going to have to count as today's post. I'll try and make up for it after my Internet is restored and after my celebration has subsided.

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Black Friday Is Not Important

Black Friday is quite possibly one of the stupidest American traditions that has evolved in recent memory. And as it keeps revolving, it keeps getting more and more ridiculous. This year is no exception as several large retail stores have decided that it's a good idea to open late at night on the actual day of Thanksgiving for "Black Friday". If you've already figured out that opening on a Thursday for an event with "Friday" in the name is asinine, then you're going to love everything about this story.

Wal-Mart has decided that it will open at 10pm on Thanksgiving. There's no real reason for this that makes any sense. It's not like it's going to attract more shoppers. I'm under the impression that you're either the type who wants to go Christmas shopping as soon as you can or you're not. (And really, the Black Friday "deals" that are advertised are really bordering awfully close to being a scam. There are usually only one or two of a certain item at each store for the advertised bargain price. And the items aren't usually as great as they want you to think that they are. You want to pay only $300 for a laptop? Go right ahead. But if you think that your bargain priced $300 laptop is going to work as well as my $800 laptop, think again. That $300 laptop is probably overpriced at $300.) Target is opening at 11pm and Best Buy is opening at midnight. And really, I don't know if shoppers are excited about this or not. But I do know who is not excited about it and that would be the workers.

The employees of Best Buy are flipping out that they have to go into work so that the store can open at midnight. Something about them not being able to spend time with their families. Now, I know absolutely nothing about opening a Best Buy store and I know equally as much about working at Best Buy. But I do know that opening at midnight shouldn't cut into one's Thanksgiving festivities by that much. Should it? I understand not wanting to go into work on a holiday. I also understand that there are jobs out there where you have to go into work on a holiday. (I worked one of those jobs for 13 years. Hospitals don't care if it's Thanksgiving or not. It's part of the job.) And if you have one of those jobs, you shouldn't really be all that surprised when you're expected to be there on a holiday. But apparently, folks who are working at Best Buy and Target feel differently about all of this than I do.

I'm not so sure that when the unemployment rate in this country is still hovering around 9 percent that anyone should be complaining about what their job wants them to do. Shouldn't these folks be happy that they have a job? And really, is going into work at midnight that big of a deal? I don't see how that is going to cut into someone's Thanksgiving time with their family. What time do those people eat, anyway? You have an early dinner, you take a nap afterwards if you're so inclined, and then you show up when you're supposed to. I am not sympathetic to the workers who think that they're being mistreated by having to show up at midnight or 10pm or whatever on Thanksgiving. Yes, I guess it sucks (although I'm still not real clear as to why or how it sucks), but that's kind of how life works. Sometimes, things suck. Sometimes, your work is going to want you to do stuff that you'd rather not do. Am I the only one who understands that concept? I feel like I am.

And really, is anyone surprised that it's come down to this? The way I see it, Thanksgiving is becoming just a huge inconvenience for people who want Christmas to be here NOW. It's become a holiday that everyone just rushes through so that they can get to the Christmas shopping. For years now, people have been lining up outside of stores on Thanksgiving evening to wait until the store doors open at 5am or some other ungodly hour. Those folks don't seem to give a fat rat's ass about being at home on Thanksgiving, so why should the stores? I'm not saying that I agree with that philosophy. I'm just saying that I can see why it's come down to this.

Personally, I think that the whole Black Friday thing has kind of jumped the shark. Trust me, if a store offers a good enough deal but doesn't open their doors until 6am the day after Thanksgiving, there will still be people in line. Do they really think that those extra six hours are going to make or break their bottom line? I don't get it. Then again, the last thing in the world that I would want to do is to line up outside of a store, at night and in the cold so that I can be amongst a swarm of people and attempt to SHOP. Ugh. I don't want shop period, let alone under those circumstances. But good luck to all of you people who think that you're accomplishing something. I hope that works out for you. As far as all of you complaining retail workers, suck it up.

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That's Still Doing Nothing

Back to the Penn State atrocity. Today's focus: Mike McQueary, the graduate assistant who saw Sandusky raping a 10-year old boy in the shower and decided that the best course of action would be for McQueary to just call his own dad. Oh, but wait. Now McQueary is trying to say that what he told the grand jury is not what actually happened. Funny, I thought you were supposed to tell the truth to the grand jury. Huh. Maybe this is being misreported because, as we all know, the media just sucks. Let's see if we can figure this out.

According to ESPN, Mike McQueary had sent an email to a friend who didn't want to be identified. From what I can infer, the email was sent recently. (I'm guessing in light of the many, many people across the country and possibly around the world who would like to see McQueary hanging from his man parts for being someone who would see a child being raped by an old man and not do anything to stop it. Funny how that works.) Here's the text of the email:

"... you are the first person I have told this ... and I don't know you extremely well ... and I have been told bye officials to not say anything ...

I did stop it, not physically ... but made sure it was stopped when I left that locker room ... I did have discussions with police and with the official at the university in charge of police .... no one can imagine my thoughts or wants to be in my shoes for those 30-45 seconds ... trust me.

Do with this what you want ... but I am getting hammered for handling this the right way ... or what I thought at the time was right ... I had to make tough impacting quick decisions.

This is off record ... again ... I have not and will not say anything to anyone else."

I'm just going to start at the beginning and wonder why on earth someone would send this sort of an email to someone that they didn't know very well. That doesn't seem like a very smart thing to do. Then again, this guy isn't exactly Einstein, so I shouldn't be overly surprised. And yet, I am. It's clear, after reading this guy's email, that he thinks that everyone's public perception of him is just a misunderstanding AND a matter of semantics. See, for some reason, he seems to think that he "did stop it". He just didn't stop it physically. Oh. I see. No, wait. I don't. What the hell is he talking about?! He didn't stop anything! He "made sure" that it was stopped before he left the locker room? What, did he poke his head back in there to "make sure" that Sandusky was done?! Is that what he means?!

I think that it's fairly obvious from both his grand jury testimony and his email to his vague acquaintance that he did nothing to stop it at the time. Since (to my knowledge) it is still unknown who Victim 2 (the one who was in the shower) actually was, I'm having a hard time understanding how McQueary thinks that he stopped anything. Had he actually stopped it (and I'm using the sane person's definition of 'stopped' and not that of some moron who doesn't stop child rape when he sees it happening) and called the cops right then, this whole story would have played out a lot differently. He didn't stop anything. And he certainly didn't help the boy. He also still seems to think that he did the right thing, as evidenced by his whining "I am getting hammered for handling this the right way ." No, he is getting hammered for walking in on a horrific act taking place and putting a stop to it right that very moment. That he thinks that he did the right thing is unimaginable to me. Really, dude? Where's that boy? How's he doing? Oh, you don't know because you didn't do anything? OK, then. Pipe down.

Why the media is portraying this as anything other than what it is (which is ridiculous and lame at best) is beyond me. I know that the media sucks, but seriously. This isn't that hard to get wrong. The guy didn't do anything of substance and he thinks that he's being unfairly portrayed because he did just barely the absolute minimum and expects that to count as "something". He's a scumbag. First, he does nothing to help a little boy who is being raped by an old man and then he acts like everyone is so out of line for hating his guts? Please. Get it right, media! Nothing's changed! This guy didn't do anything, regardless of what he says in his email! Please report that!

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My Shortest Written Opinion Ever

This could quite possibly be the shortest commentary that I have ever had on just about anything. AND the most remarkable part about it is that I think I have a point of view that's kind of hard to disagree with. Then again, I think that about a lot of things. What do I know? Now, mind you, I didn't read this entire article. I came up with my opinion based solely on the title. I realize that I'm giving a lot of credence to the person who wrote the title and I'm really hoping that it's accurate. If it's not accurate, I might have to rethink my position, but I don't think that it would alter it by much.

Here we go...Over there at the Huffington Post is an article with the following title: "Sex With Animals Can Lead To Penis Cancer: Study".

My response to the aforementioned study? Good.

The end.

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Good Luck, Players

Well, it looks like there isn't going to be an NBA season. I'm not even sure exactly what the last offer that the owners made to the players, but I know that they should have taken it. And here's why...

You might have a fabulous talent for doing something. Regardless as to what that something is, the value of your talent isn't necessarily determined by you, but rather by others who are in a position to evaluate your talent to see how it may be of benefit to them. Let's say that you can paint pictures of cats really well. You paint pictures of cats so well that no one can tell the difference between your pictures of cats and actual photographs of cats. You're THAT good! But all people who see your pictures of cats only say, "Wow! You're really good at painting cats!" And then they move on. Does that benefit you in any way? OK, your ego gets a little stroking here and there. (That's ALL that gets stroked in this scenario, all right? JUST the ego!) But it's not like you're going to make a living selling your cat pictures when no one is there to pay for your cat pictures. It doesn't mean that you don't possess an extraordinary talent. It just means that other people don't care as much as you might think that they should.


That's how this NBA thing is shaping up to look like for the players. Sure, they can play basketball really well. I don't think that I'd be exaggerating if I said that the players in the NBA were the best basketball players in the world. But that's not going to matter if they don't have a league to play in. And the owners know that. The owners seem perfectly OK with telling the players to take their offer or leave it because the owners will be fine in the end. I'm not saying that the NBA is going to fold because the two sides can't work things out, but if it did, the owners would be just fine. The players, on the other hand, probably not so much.


I've always seen the NBA as the most narcissistic of all the organized sports. (I also see it as the most thuggish, but that's a whole different post.) They seem to think that their outrageous salaries are just not enough. From what I can figure, the average NFL salary is between $770,000 and about a million dollars a season. AND the average NFL career lasts about 3.5 years. Compare that to the average NBA salary which is an astonishing $4.5 million per year and an average career of around five years. That's just absolutely insane and unsustainable in the long run. And the long run is here, but the players just don't want to accept it or something.


So, good luck players. Good luck being the best basketball players on the planet without having anywhere to play or without having anyone to watch you play. Sure, go ahead and start your own league. I'm sure that you'll have that up and running in no time. But if that doesn't work and y'all decide to stop being just greedy babies about everything, let someone know. We wouldn't mind having NBA games to watch this season, but I guarantee you that we're not going to die without them. The ball is pretty much in your court, players. And you can take your ball and go home if you want. It's your choice, but I think that you're making the wrong one.

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When Suddenly...Whales

I am exhausted. This holiday stuff starts early for me for some reason. Anyway, that's the reason for the short posts lately. Unfortunately, today isn't going to be much of an exception. But I do have a boring story and an exciting video for you, so that's something!

There are a lot of whales hanging around delightfully close to the shores of Santa Cruz. I guess that there is an abundance of krill and anchovies or something like that and the whales are just enjoying the abundant buffet. I went down there last week to see if I could see the whales from the shore. I could not. But if I had been like the surfer in the video below, I would have seen the whales up close and then some. Holy canoli. I'm still trying to figure out how no one in the video yelled "Holy s***" or something like that. If the video doesn't load below, try clicking here. It really is quite extraordinary.

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It's A Start

Well, it's a start. Too bad this person couldn't have gotten this message out before a whole bunch of idiot fellow students were out rioting at the firing of their jackass coach who protected a child rapist for many years.

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Hide Your Chickens

A quick note:

I just read over at the LA Times that "Black Sabbath took to the stage Friday at the Whisky A Go Go to announce another reunion tour in 2012". Wow. Well, OK. But if you're expecting me to start bashing Black Sabbath for going on tour when they're all senior citizens (and when Ozzy seems barely coherent on his good days), you'd be wrong. Tour! Tour all you want. I wouldn't mind seeing me some old and withered Black Sabbath. You know why? Because it's Black Sabbath, for cryin' out loud! They tour, you GO! That's how it works with these awesome ancient bands whose members aren't dead (by multiple miracles) from either drug overdoses or multiple organ failures.

But here's the part that annoyed me: "The British heavy metal originators have begun working on an album of new material, their first since 1978." Uh huh. And..."Iommi said the set list will be much more than the usual hour of hits the band has performed since its first reunion in 1997." Yeah...um...no.

See, I don't think that I'm alone when I say that when these old guys go on tour, we want to hear the stuff that made us like them. We don't care about your new stuff. We want to hear everything you did before 1980. We're OK with hearing the individual band members hits (ie, if you leave out Crazy Train, I'm going to be pissed), but we don't care about your new stuff. We're here to hear the old stuff. I don't care about some ballad that one of them wrote after the birth of their child on a stormy night in 2002.

There are a few bands who are the exception to this rule. Not many, but a few. And Black Sabbath isn't one of them. If a band that old wants to play new stuff for folks, they need to have a "New Stuff Only" tour. I have no problem with that. But if I'm going to see a band whose greatest album came out in 1971, don't play me your new stuff because I'm not there to listen to that.

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Rick Perry Is Texas Toast

Wow. Rick Perry is not going to be the next President as his performance during debates has been less than stellar. The guy just can't express himself and since that is one of the most important aspects of debating, he's really not doing himself any favors by getting up in front of everyone who gives a fat rat's ass at this stage in the game and sputtering out whatever he can come up with. Check out his performance at the debate on Wednesday. The real fun starts around 1:00.

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Joe Must Go

(Note: Joe Paterno was fired after I wrote this. Good.)

I'm going to try to make this my last post about the Penn State child abuse cover up atrocity for a little while. We'll see. But I felt it necessary to continue to rip into Joe Paterno for his inexcusable and unforgivable lack of action when he knew that one of his assistant coaches was raping little boys.


You would think that Joe Paterno would be asked to step down immediately. And if he wouldn't step down, you would think that someone would fire Joe Paterno. That doesn't seem to be the case. Joe Paterno thinks that the best course to take right now is for him to continue coaching and then to retire at the end of the season. Seriously. And by the way, someone should mention that he was likely going to retire at the end of this season anyway! He wanted to stick around long enough to become the winningest coach in major college football. He did that by when he got his 409th win in the most recent game. Him retiring at the end of the year isn't any sort of penalty! It's just like it would have been had he not been shielding a child rapist. That's not enough. He needs to not be on the sidelines on Saturday or ever again.


Let's take a look at his absolutely pathetic statement. He said, in part: "That's why I have decided to announce my retirement effective at the end of this season. At this moment the Board of Trustees should not spend a single minute discussing my status. They have far more important matters to address. I want to make this as easy for them as I possibly can. This is a tragedy. It is one of the great sorrows of my life. With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more." Oh, I bet that he doesn't want the Board of Trustees spending any time discussing his status. Who in the hell is he to say that at this point?! If he wanted to make this "as easy for them as I possibly can" then he would have resigned immediately so that they wouldn't have to spend any time on it! (I'm not even going to discuss the part about how it took "hindsight" for him to realize that not going to authorities about a guy who was raping children was a bad idea. Hindsight. Jesus.) This guy is unbelievable.


As far as Penn State goes, they think that the appropriate course of action is to wait until Friday to appoint a committee to look into what in the hell went on. Friday?! They're going to wait until Friday?! They don't think that this is something that maybe should be started immediately?! Sure! Wait until Friday! What in the hell is WRONG with the people over there at Penn State?! Considering that Joe Paterno seems to think that he should be out there coaching on Saturday, I'm thinking that the Board might want to convene a little bit before Saturday. Are they REALLY going to let him coach? They can't, can they? How? How?!


OK, I think that's it for now. Oh, wait. One more thing. Hey, Joe Paterno. Do you have grandkids? What if your associate had seen Sandusky in the shower with one of them? THEN would you have done something? ANYTHING? It's sad that I this question would even have to be asked. It's even sadder that I honestly don't know what his answer would be.

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So Many People Just Don't Get It

(Scroll over the images in this post to see who's who.) Wow. People are really, seriously delusional about this sex abuse horror that involved the defensive coordinator of Penn State football. That so many people did absolutely nothing is astounding to me. But what is even more astounding is the number of people who don't seem to think that anyone did anything wrong. Well, except for the child rapist. Ahem, alleged child rapist. I'm going to assume that people are not defending him. Then again, I can't believe that people are supporting the people who did nothing, so who knows? Maybe they are on the side of a man who sets up a charity for troubled boys so that he can have easy access to fondle and rape them. Maybe.

See, it seems to be pretty well documented that this Jerry Sandusky pervert was well known in his little Penn State football circle for sexing up little boys. And what did these people who were in the know do? Well, some of them did nothing. Some told the college. And some had meetings about it and told him, essentially, "don't do that". NO ONE called the cops. And that's a fact that I find simply astonishing. How could you not call the cops? How could you not alert authorities of one form or another if you had this sort of information? I, personally, don't see how you couldn't. But a whole lot of people who worked with Penn State football seem to have a different opinion on the matter. Seeing as how they actually did do nothing, I'd say that they have a very different opinion of what should happen in instances like these.

And the beloved football coach, the ancient Joe Paterno, was one of those people who did nothing. See, when a one Mike McQueary (who was a graduate assistant at the time, but who is now the receivers coach) saw the sicko Sandusky sodomizing a 10-year-old boy in a shower at the team's football complex, all he did was tell Paterno. Of course, he waited until the next day. Because there's nothing all that pressing or urgent about child rape. Right. Anyway, what did old man Paterno do? Go to the cops? Go to the DA? Of course not! No, he decided he should notify the athletic director, a one Tim Curley, and then the vice president, a one Gary Schultz. Neither one of them felt it necessary to go to authorities either.

Now, if you think that I'm being too hard on Paterno, let me clarify my stance. I don't just want him gone. I want every single person who had even a whiff that this was going on to be fired. Every one. Every one who did nothing needs to go on their way. Doesn't that make sense? Well, to about 300 Penn State students who were outside of Paterno's house last night, it doesn't. They would think that's just crazy. That's why they went to Paterno's house to support him.
According to the Collegian Online, "Nearly 300 students gathered outside Joe Paterno's house" in support of a man who does nothing when he knows that one of his colleagues is raping little boys. And you're not going to believe what he said. (Who am I kidding? At this point, would anything that he does or says surprise you? Naaahhh.) He said, "The kids who were victims, whatever they want to say, I think we need to say a prayer for them...It's a tough life when people do certain things to you." Oh, for cryin' out loud! Are you freaking kidding me?!
First of all, the "whatever they want to say" part disgusts me. I'm pretty sure that I'd call someone who was raped when they were ten years old a victim. Whatever they want to say?! What a joke. And he thinks that they should say a prayer for them?! How is THAT going to help?! Hey, Joe! Were you praying for them when you did nothing?! How about instead of praying you actually get off of your ass and do the morally right thing for once. And while it IS "a tough life when people do certain things to you", it is an even tougher life when other people know what is being done to you and they DO NOTHING! I cannot believe this man. Is he senile? Probably. But it gets even worse.

That's right. After his completely clueless little speech there, do you know what he did? According to Fox News "Paterno held his fists over his head three times and said, "We are ..."And the crowd replied, "Penn State!" Oh. My. God. Is that all it's about with those people? JUST football? I don't get it. THAT'S his reaction?? We are Penn State? I'm sure that all of the victims (and there are plenty) are going to be really comforted to know that, as a football college, y'all are right there with each other! Where's the rally outside of the victims houses? Where's the rally of support for those who were actually harmed by all of these do-nothing a-holes? Oh, there wasn't one? Shocking. You know why there wasn't one? Because those people that were in that crowd are paste eating, mouth breathing morons, that's why.
The New York Times has the grand jury report if you'd like to read it. Be forewarned, though. It's rough. But when you get done, if you still think that it was perfectly OK for Joe Paterno and everyone else who knew about this to do nothing then you will know that there is something wrong with you.

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Speak Up, Cowards

What in the world is wrong with people? Yes, this time I do have specific people in mind. And I don't think that I will ever understand them. I'm open to any explanations that anyone might have for this sort of behavior, though. (The problem is that I don't think that I'm going to like any of the explanations in this instance.)

Here's the condensed version of what I'm referring to: Over there at Penn State where the football program is revered by all. But what probably isn't revered by all are the alleged actions of a one Jerry Sandusky. Sandusky was a former defensive coordinator for Penn State. While he hasn't worked there in an official capacity for a number of years, he had access to all of the football facilities, so it might as well have been like he worked there. Anyway, there have been allegations made and charges filed against Mr. Sandusky that he sexually assaulted young boys in the shower. And 'sexually assaulted' is just the nice way of putting it. He raped little boys. Allegedly.

OK, so that's bad, right? Yes! Yes, it's bad! It's very, very bad! But wait! I'm not done! See, it turns out that allegedly people knew about this and said nothing. That's right. People knew that this alleged pervert was raping young boys (as young as freaking ten years old, for cryin' out loud) and did nothing. Both the Athletic Director, a one Tim Curley and Penn State's senior vice president for business and finance, a one Gary Schultz, have both been charged with perjury and some other things because they allegedly lied to the grand jury investigating Sandusky and because they also failed to properly report suspected child abuse. Scumbags. Oh, excuse me. Alleged scumbags.


And this is where my question comes in. HOW on earth does someone know about something like this that is going on and doesn't do anything about it?! How?! Look, I can understand someone who is a pedophile. There is something wrong with their brain. It's an easy explanation. It doesn't excuse any sort of behaviors that they might have at all. But I understand what is wrong with a pedophile. What I don't understand is what is wrong with someone who allegedly knows that ten or eleven year old boys are being raped and that person in the know does absolutely nothing about it. Oh, wait. I take that back. They did do something. They lied about it.

I don't know that I could control myself if I learned that someone that I worked with was using the facilities at my place of employment as grounds for his molesting and sexually assaulting children. Apparently, at one point, a janitor actually walked in on Sandusky while he had a young boy in the shower up against the wall and was in the process of raping him. HOW do you not just kill that guy right then and there? What is wrong with those people? Why would you lie to protect someone like this? Why would you not help those kids? Pedophiles make me absolutely sick, but I think that the people that stand by and do absolutely nothing when they know that something is going on make me even sicker.


This whole thing makes me absolutely sick. And I wish that the media would stop reporting this as if it's a sports story. It's NOT a sports story. Just because sports are involved doesn't make it a sports story. (That's like saying that the OJ Simpson trial should have been in the sports section. Please.) This is a story about a bunch of abuse that was allowed to continue because of cowards. And there is a name for people like that. The thing is that is won't matter what the name is when they're burning in hell. And that can not come soon enough if you're asking me.

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Sounds Like Oklahoma All Right

OK, listen up, Oklahoma. I'm sorry about your earthquake. I'm sure it was very surprising for all of you...Sooners? ( Yeah, OK. I still don't know what those are.) And look, the truth is that the rest of the country doesn't think about Oklahoma very often. So, really, if you're going to be in the news across the nation because of the 5.2 earthquake that you just had, you're going to want to at least try to make yourselves sound not like the stereotypes that most of the country envisions (on those rare occasions when they pause to consider Oklahoma as a whole). Therefore, take the statement below as an example of what not to do and carry on.

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E! Channel Presents...

Last night, Saturday Night Live covered Kim Kardashian's 72-day marital union. It was highly amusing (which is why I've included it below). I was really glad that they at least touched on the fact that Bruce Jenner's face never moves. (Where are all of these celebrities finding the worst plastic surgeons ever? Down by the docks? In a van down by the river? All of them look permanently surprised.) And when you watch it and it seems really bizarre and comical, it becomes even more so on both counts when you realize that it's really not too far from the truth. It's practically a documentary.

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The McWhat?

The McRib is back. Personally, I couldn't care any less that it ever left in the first place. But there are apparently folks who are really into this thing. It quite possibly has become the most ridiculously over-hyped menu item of all time. It has this cult-like following that seem to hold the sandwich in a higher esteem than that of the Pope. (And with all of that child touching that's gone on in the Catholic church, that probably isn't that hard to do.) I'm going to see if I can knock it down off of its sanctimonious little high horse bun a little bit here.

Do you know what's IN a McRib? I mean, the term 'rib' would imply that it is some sort of pork. (I suppose it could be beef, but it's not the size of a brontosaurus burger, so I'm going to go with pig.) And apparently this thing has seventy ingredients. And while most of those ingredients compose the bun and the sauce, what you really need to be concerned with is the "pork patty". You know the one. It's some sort of congealed meat that is shaped to look like it has bones in it. There are no bones. That's the good news. The bad news is that there isn't exactly all that much "pork", either.

According to KSEE24 News, "The slab of "restructured meat product" consists of salt (980 mg, more than half your recommended daily intake) and pig innards, like tripe, heart, and scalded stomach." Mmmmm! Tripe, heart and stomach. Sounds like a band from 1974 that was modeled after Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Tripe, heart and stomach. So, they take all of that and blend it all up (kind of like a shake), form it into a patty with fake bones and then slap it on a bun with a little sauce, onions and pickles. Sound good? I hope not. And SF Gate is even reporting that Time magazine is reporting that the McRib contains something called "...azodicarbonamide: a flour-bleaching agent that is most commonly used in the manufacture of foamed plastics like in gym mats and the soles of shoes." Huh. I'm going to assume that whatever that stuff is can also be found in several other McDonald's products. There are an awful lot of menu items there whose taste could definitely be compared to that of a yoga mat.

Look, I realize that one can just just about every part of the pig except for the oink. But that doesn't mean that one should. And I also realize that one cannot come to expect a very high quality level of meat in fast food products. But I'd like to think that there is some regular meat. I don't think that one should have to be subjected to innards disguised as pork rib sammies. And apparently, I'm the only one who thinks that as this sandwich has become more popular than God. We are truly doomed.

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Not Sure Why They're At The Port

Well, the Occupy Oakland folks are in full moronic swing right now. I know I'm not the only one who doesn't understand exactly what it is that these folks have a beef with. And I'm starting to think it's because there isn't really any sort of particular beef. It's looking more and more just like an opportunity for folks who aren't real happy with the way that their life is going to get together and bitch about it. Oh, and to drum about it. (What is it with these sorts of movements/protests and drums? I'm guessing it's because drums playing doesn't really require a whole lot of training and/or musical talent. Hell, the guy from Def Leppard can play the drums with one arm, so it's not even a requirement that someone have all of their limbs in order to actually drum. But that guy from Def Leppard really does kick ass, so let's really try not to impugn his character and talents during this little screed, shall we?)

The current plan of action for the occupiers appears to be to shut down the Port of Oakland for some reason. Now, I understand most of their frustration with Wall Street. Why they expect Wall Street to do anything about their behavior is beyond me. Why they aren't occupying capitols and Senate buildings is beyond me as well. If the politicians could do a little more regulating of certain things, then perhaps all of the scumbag moves that the bankers make would be curtailed a bit. But if you think that someone who is making a gazillion dollars a year (possibly multiple gazillions) is going to stop doing that because there are a bunch of hippies in the street, well, I admire your magical thinking abilities.

So they've all meandered down to the port because I guess they all got together and thought, "I'm pretty unhappy with what's going on over on Wall Street right now. You know what would fix it? Shutting down port traffic in Oakland for a night. Yeah, that should do it. Damn importers/exporters of a variety of goods through one of our many ports. We'll show them! Thinking they can just import and export like that! Who do they think they are? Wall Street! Are you listening?!" Does that sound ludicrous? So does shutting down port traffic when you're allegedly upset at bankers. You're with me, right? I thought so.

Nooooowwwww...pictures! The following pictures were taken by a very talented photographer and humorous captioner, a one John V. Robinson.

"This chick was slicing the bologna pretty thin." She might be demanding structural change, but she probably should have first demanded a bigger sign.

"Ronald McDonald crucified on a cross of dollar bills." Are they against the makers of the glorious Shamrock Shake? That's weird.

"This kid in the kitchen was being bitched at for being a freeloader." Shocking, I know.

"The dude with no shirt was angry at the revolutionaries: "We been chillin in the park for years, drinking and smokin weed. And y' all mother fuckers is bring the heat down on us." He socked one of the young revolutionaries." I gotta say that I'm kind of on the side of the drinking weed smokers. They were there first.

"Waving a Palistinian flag and yelling things like: "Death to Capitalism; Death to Isreal...ect" I never have a Rocket Propelled Granade when I need one." Right. Because doing things the way that the Palestinians do them is going to fix things. Then again, maybe they have a point. I don't think that Palestinian bankers were writing up thousands of sham mortgages. Granted, that's because those things don't really exist in Palestine, but I guess it's something to wave a flag about.

"Good work if you can get it." God, I do not even want to think about where that mattress has been.

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