Charlie Sheen At The Oscars

I know, I know. You're expecting a fashion filled extravaganza which reflects last night's Academy Awards ceremony, aren't you? (Don't get me wrong. I see no reason to not include pictures of the astonishingly lovely Sandra Bullock in this post. Different doesn't have to mean crazy or short-sighted!) Well, you would have gotten it if it hadn't been for my cousin who suggested that I pay attention to a little Twitter fad that took off during the Super Bowl. It seems as if someone had started a hashtag on Twitter called JaneAustenAtTheSuperBowl. And it was just what it sounds like. It was Jane Austen musings as if she were at the Super Bowl. (By the way, just so I'm not too hip for the room, a hashtag is this symbol: #. It designates a specific topic on Twitter. And also, just so I'm clear, Twitter is pretty useless most of the time. My participating in this nonsense should not be interpreted as any sort of indication that I think Twitter is cool. I don't.)

Thus, with that sort of seed planted in my often empty noggin, I thought that the Oscars would need a voice. Maybe not a Jane Austen sort of voice, as a friend of mine was completely appalled that anyone would disgrace the works of Jane Austen (she's really into bonnet movies and bonnet books), but a voice none the less. Then it hit me. Or I fell down because I was drunk. Whichever it was, I had a revelation. What the Oscars needed was more Charlie Sheen. Thus, I created the hashtag #CharlieSheenAtTheOscars and twat periodically throughout the telecast which I occasionally watched. What? Twat is the past tense of tweet, right? I will tweet. I am tweeting. I have twat. Sounds right to me.

And don't think that I ever expected anyone to notice this little method of amusing myself. I didn't. And I think I succeeded by setting my expectations as low as I usually do for things like this. So, since I know you missed it, allow me to take you through the Academy Awards show as seen through the tweets of a very real, yet very fictional Charlie Sheen. Behold!

• At Kodak Theater. Walk w/me side by side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Roll out that red carpet if you want, but I'm rolling out magic bro and I must save it for my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one has acknowledged me yet. I should have been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one has even said hello. I feel like an unwelcome relative given cold coffee every night at nine o’clock.#Charliesheenattheoscars


• Showtime! Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch—it’s about to get really gnarly. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Can't believe they didn't ask me to host. These two suck. I've got poetry in my fingertips.
  #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Screw hosting because that’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed. From the prom queen. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• My tux is uncomfortable. It doesn't fit because my chest and my biceps are too big. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I have effortlessly and magically converted your tin can into pure gold statuettes. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• First award of the night handed out. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars


• The first statuette is free. The next one goes in your mouth. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one at my table has won anything. I'm dealing with fools and trolls here. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• To all the losers: I have real fame, you have nothing. You have zero. I probably have syphilis. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I don't care who wins. I will forget about them as the last image of them exits this beautiful theater. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• There's Natalie Portman. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I am special, and I will never be one of you! I will never have an Oscar. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• If they want me in a sequel, it's a smash. If they don't, it's a turd that opens on a tugboat. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one looks happy. Is the rule that we have to all sit in here and touch ourselves and frown? #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• #Thekidsareallright I don't subscribe to any part of the model. They brainwashed my friends and my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Christian Bale freaking won?? Sorry man. Didn't make the rules. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Jesse Eisenberg looks confused. Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh bye #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I could get nominated one day. There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I'm not Mark Zuckerberg. He was a pussy. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Almost three hours of this so far. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I liked #TrueGrit. There's a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom! That’s the whole movie. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Melissa Leo. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Toy Story 3. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars

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Step Away From The Chicken

I think that it's safe to say that most of us here have been drunk at one point or another. Like Thursday, for example. But timelines aside, I think that for those of us who have been overserved (by ourselves or by the kindness of others), we've all done things that we weren't exactly overly proud of the next day. And while I might have had some...interesting antics, I've gotta say that I have never been so drunk that I defiled the poultry section of a Kroger. Wait. You never...what now?

You heard me. I never defiled the poultry section of a Kroger. Then again, I am not a one 58-year old (and old enough to know better) Jerry Patterson of North Little Rock, Arkansas. According to MSNBC, "Police were called to the (Kroger) to investigate a report of a drunk man who was being verbally aggressive with store workers." You know, the being aggressive with other folks really isn't compulsory drunken behavior. Why must so many people behave as if it is? Be happy drunks! Don't be mean. Mean behavior only results in the cops being called and you likely going to jail.

When the cops got there, they found what many would consider to be your typical drunken symptoms. The unsteadiness on one's feet. The reeking of alcohol. The incredibly bloodshot eyes. And in this case, they also found an individual with a recently emptied bladder and ham breath. You see, it would appear that Mr. Patterson had allegedly "...urinated on $500 worth of chicken". Five hundred dollars worth? That's an awful lot of chicken. If it weren't so disgusting, I'd be pretty impressed.

The police report also indicted that Mr. Patterson "...also ate a large package of ham". OK, see, the chicken peeing? That I don't get. Being famished when drunk? I totally get that. There's something about all of the drunkenness that makes feel as if they are absolutely starving. And that's when everything sounds good. Hershey bars dipped in marinara sauce? Delicious. Frozen fish stick sliders (with the fish sticks still slightly frozen)? Awesome. Low-fat potato chips dipped in a jar of pre-made gravy? Breakfast! The behavior itself is totally understandable and acceptable. The arena in which this chap chose to practice this behavior, while still understandable, is not quite as acceptable as when you're doing it in the comfort of your own drunken palace.

Mr. Patterson was arrested and charged with a variety of offensive offenses, including "...public intoxication, theft of property, and criminal mischief." Criminal mischief? Geez, I'd say! I wonder when he ate the ham? Do you think he was peeing at the time of the ingestion of one of the tastiest of all of the cured and salted meats? Sometimes when you're drunk you get really obsessed with multi-tasking. Maybe he thought that he'd just go to the store, get something to eat and relieve himself all at the same time. And it worked, but it got him arrested in the process. Always thinking ahead. Always. And never pee on the chicken in the grocery store. Once you get home with your chicken, you can do whatever you'd like to it. Just don't get caught and don't be telling me about it. Weirdo.

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Not Working Means You Don't Work

If you ask anyone other than Charlie Sheen, they will tell you that Charlie Sheen seems a little crazy these days. In fact, most folks will tell you that it sounds as if Charlie Sheen has gone completely off the rails. But they would only say that because he sounds exactly like that is what has happened. He sounds like a crazy man. And he keeps calling into various radio talk shows to try to profess that he's not a crazy man, but I really think that's doing him more harm than good at this point. Really, I think that what would help him the most is just to keep quiet for a little while and stop irritating people who pay his salary. The other thing that would help him to not look so crazy is for him to stop saying that he's going to show up for work on Monday when there is no work to show up for. Wait. What?

Correct. See, for some reason, the guys that are in charge of the gold mine that is the television show Two And A Half Men have decided to cancel the remainder of the production season. The show has already been on hiatus for a few weeks while Mr. Sheen is supposed to be trying to kick his unhealthy ways. Apparently, things like trashing hotel rooms because you think a $20,000 hooker stole your watch and going on weekend cocaine binges coupled with unlimited sex with various mattress actresses really gets the attention of your "superiors" and causes them to think that you might have "a problem". Go figure.

But the other thing that catches the attention of your "superiors" are saying things in interviews that aren't exactly complimentary to those who are in charge. Most people, in charge of anything or not, would not take kindly to being called, among other things, "...a stupid . . little man and a p***y punk." And "This contaminated little maggot can't handle my power . . . Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words." (By the way, in that first quote, the redacted part does not say 'puppy'. I thought I should throw that in there just in case you were confused as to why he would be calling someone a puppy. He wasn't. It was more of a feline insult, if you will.)

So after all of this attention getting and even after all of the times that Charlie Sheen has been saying that he doesn't have a problem with anything, the New York Post reports: "Claiming he is completely sober, actor Charlie Sheen said today he plans to show up for work despite CBS's decision yesterday to pull the plug on the top-rated comedy "Two and a Half Men" this season." OK, see, those are not the actions of a person who is completely sober. Or maybe they are, but the person is just sober AND crazy. You see, Charlie, there's no work to show up for! That's part of what they mean by they have cancelled the remainder of the season! There's no more work there. It's done. And your showing up is only going to serve to make you look crazier than you already do. Please don't show up for your non-existent job/work on Monday, Charlie. Please. I realize that the show's character was sort of written just for someone like you, but even the character wouldn't show up for work when there was no work there for him. He'd stay home. You should do the same. Stay home with one of your female porn enthusiasts and stop giving interviews that make you sound like your brain is riddled with a late stage syphillitic condition.

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The Girl Scout Scissor Stabbin' Badge

I think that we can all pretty much agree that Girl Scout cookies are freaking delicious. Just how delicious might be up to personal interpretation, but there isn't much denying that they're delicious. That they come around only once a year can be a bit stressful. You really need to ration your cookies and, more importantly, you really need to be prepared for when they are gone. Because when they are gone, that's it. They're really gone. Therefore, if you were expecting to still have some Girl Scout cookies left and found out that you suddenly had none, that could make an individual rather angry. I don't know if I could justify that it's the stabbing someone sort of angry, but angry none the less.

Let's go down to Flori-duh where this sort of crap seems to always be occurring and see what happened in the case of a one Hersha Howard. (Hersha? All right. I guess.) According to the folks over there at MSNBC, Ms. Howard noticed that her Thin Mints were gone. Eaten, if you will. She then "...confronted her sleeping roommate and accused her of eating the box of treats." Her roommate, a one Jasmin Wanke (Wanke? That's a pretty name.), told her that "... she'd given the cookies to Howard's kids, who were awake and hungry around 1 a.m." Huh. These folks seem to live a very different life than the one I currently live and the one that I grew up living. I'm sure that, as a small child, I was awake on occasion at 1 a.m. I'm also sure that I was never given Thin Mints cookies due to all of the being awake. Yeah, didn't happen. And I'm not sure why it's happening in this scenario, but I can take a guess. (Here's a hint: Responsible parenting does in no way factor into this equation.)

Well, the news of her eaten Thin Mints was apparently a bit too much for Ms. Howard to take. This is when Ms. Howard jumped on top of Ms. Wanke and began pummeling her in the face. Man, there is so much to like about this story! Oh, but wait! Did I mention that Ms. Howard is four hundred pounds? I didn't? I apologize. She's four hundred freaking pounds. It's amazing she could jump on top of anything, let alone a woman sleeping in bed. I've seen folks that appeared to be pushing the four hundred pound mark and they needed a Rascal scooter in order to become ambulatory. So I have to say that I am a little impressed that this big ol' gal was so mobile.

Now, they apparently fought on the bed for a little bit before Wanke's husband pulled Ms. Howard off of her. Wait. He's in the same bed as her and this chick just walks on in and starts asking about cookies? I don't know about you, but I'm thinking I'd prefer the man that I'm sleeping with to stop things a little bit before they got to this point. I'm thinking just a brief, "What are you doing in here?" followed by a short "Get out!" would be sufficient. But he let it get to the point where he had a four hundred pound woman in his bed on top of his wife. If it weren't for the four hundred pounds, it sounds like most guys' fantasy.

Ms. Wanke fled and Ms. Howard took off after her. Again, incredibly mobile for such a behemoth giant woman. She allegedly grabbed a pair of scissors and threatened to kill Ms. Wanke over the now consumed delicious Thin Mints. And like I said, I know that Thin Mints are good. They're really good. But are they scissor stabbin' good? I don't know about that. Then again, I don't know how good I'd really be at stabbing someone. I can barely get that little straw into the Capri Sun.

Ms. Howard chased Ms. Wanke down the stairs. That is when she dropped the scissors and picked up a board of some sort and struck Ms. Wanke with that. What sort of folks are these that they're feeding Thin Mints to their children at 1 a.m. and that they also have random pieces of lumber lying about? I'm also guessing that if a four hundred pound anything hits you with a board, that's going to leave quite a mark.

From there it was into the kitchen (a shocking locale for a four hundred pound individual to end up) where more fighting occurred and the husband had to separate the two of them once more. This husband is getting quite the workout. And to think he was just rudely awakened only moments ago! I don't know that I'd have it in me to do all of that right after I woke up. I'm not a morning person. Granted, this was the middle of the night, but I still wouldn't feel up to all of the running and separating and tackling that was taking place.

Following that separation, Ms. Wanke ran outside and was, naturally, followed by Ms. Howard. This time, Ms. Howard picked up some sort of a sign and wailed on Ms. Wanke with that for a while until she was tackled by Ms. Wanke's husband. That had to have been amusing. Some four hundred pound, completely enraged, cookieless woman, beating down on her roommate with an undefined sign when she is tackled by the "man" of the house. It sounds like a pretty awesome cartoon, actually. I'm picturing something like Foghorn Leghorn getting tackled by that little chick that said he was a chicken hawk. It sounds like it would be just about as effective.

Wow. Clearly as evidenced by the several different pieces of weaponry that this nutjob wielded against the perpetrator of her apparently beloved Thin Mints, this woman definitely has a certain level of enthusiasm for her snacks. It really might be unmatched by any I've heard of up until this point. (And I have a friend who practically covets the Cadbury Mini Eggs. She has them sent to her from out of town if they first appear in cities other than her own. But I don't think that she'd go after someone with a pair of scissors if they took her Cadbury Mini Eggs. She might give them a good hearty shove to get them away; I think I could see that happening pretty easily. But stabbing? Not really.)

Ms. Howard ended up going to jail and being booked. I'm guessing she could be there for a while, as it's entirely possible she could get stuck in that cell. Perhaps during her downtime in the pokey, she might try to learn some new problem solving skills. Maybe even some new negotiation tactics. Hopefully, none of them will involve scissors, boards or outdoor signs. Then again, I'm pretty sure that you can't teach a four hundred pound Thin Mint fanatic new tricks.

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She Needs To Have A Job First

People could learn a lot from the little girl in the video that I'm about to link to because Blogger is being just totally awesome and not letting me post videos right now. She appears to be around 4 or 5 years old and has some definite ideas about the decisions that she is going to be making in her life later on. Her main point is that she will not and is not going to get married until she has a job. And she is adamant about it, too! She doesn't even care if her needing to have a job first makes the man go away. She says, "Fine. I'll just find a different man! This is my life." I'm telling you, I know people that need to listen and learn from this kid. She could give seminars to a select segment of society. Granted, they are that select segment of society mainly because they don't appear to listen to anyone, nor do they learn from their own mistakes. But that doesn't take away from the fact that she could give them all a very good talking to. Click here to check the girl out. Encourage people you know who could benefit from such wisdom to take a gander at it. It can't hurt.

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Don't Name Your Kid That!

I'm very happy for the folks in Egypt that their revolution was successful in getting their dictator to step down. Congratulations! Go out and celebrate, Egyptians! But don't get all carried away and start naming your newborn children wacky names after social networking sites may have played a pivotal role in all of the revolutionizing, OK? Dude that named his daughter Facebook, I'm talking to you.

That's right. According to the Daily Mail, some Egyptian man named his new daughter Facebook. Her full name is Facebook Jamal Ibrahim. Yeah, that's pretty. Um, but seriously now. Facebook? That's not a name! That's a thing! And even if it was going to be a person's name (and it is not), it certainly wouldn't be a little girl's name. That's an asinine boy's name if I've ever heard of one.

But apparently the thinking of the little girl's father was not along the same lines as my own thinking. Shocking, I know. See, "He is said to have called her Facebook because he was so happy with the role played by the site in organising protests in Tahrir Square and other cities throughout Egypt." OK, then. Couldn't he have commemorated the events by naming her Tahrir? That's kind of a cool name, actually. I wouldn't mind being named Tahrir and then being able to tell people about why I was named that. I would absolutely mind being named Facebook and then having everyone look at me funny when they first heard my name. Hey, wait a minute! Why is the father the only one who I am hearing about being the one to name her? Wasn't there a woman attached to the uterus that this child popped out of? Doesn't she have a say in any of this? What's that? Oh. Right. They're not quite like that. Dictator or not. Bummer. Sorry, little Facebook.

But I guess it could have been worse. She could have ended up being Facebook Twitter Yahoo! News Ibrahim.

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Could You Please Keep It Down?

I don't like it any more than anyone else does when people make noise in a movie theater. What is wrong with those people? Why is it so hard for them to be quiet when they're in a big room filled with a bunch of other people being quiet? I mean, being quiet is pretty easy. You just sit there and don't talk and you've done it! You're quiet! It's the making noise that takes some effort. Granted, not a lot of effort, especially if everyone else is being quiet, but some effort. So, why not just be quiet? And if someone does ask you to be quiet, just do it. Simply stop the offending behavior and watch the movie. Please, whatever you do, do not resolve the issue by shooting and killing the person who was offended. That's really not going to help much.

According to our friends across the pond at The Guardian, a couple of folks at a cinema in Latvia had an encounter after one of the patrons was accused of eating his popcorn too loudly. I am not quite sure how that's possible. Popcorn isn't exactly the loudest of all of the concessions offered. Then again, some people are just pure ruffians when it comes to eating. They'd be much better off just snapping on a feed bag. Might even be quieter. Who knows?

Apparently, "The assailant, 27, reportedly had a brief argument with the man, aged 43, who was sitting next to him during a screening of Black Swan". Two guys, at the movies, watching Black Swan? Were their wives or girlfriends with them? I'm just saying. If they were each there alone, then maybe it was an unwelcomed advance gone horribly awry. Stranger things have happened. Like what happened next, for instance.

It seems that the 27-year old didn't take too kindly to the 43-year old telling him to keep his popcorn chomping down. So when the movie was over, the 27-year old pulled out a "legally registered firearm" and shot the 43-year old dead as can be. After that, he just stood around and waited to be arrested (which he was). I find it amusing that he waited until the end of the movie. It's like he was thinking, "I am going to kill that guy, but first? I need to know what's up with these little ballerinas." Very strange. Not as strange as killing the guy, but strange none the less. Note to self: Don't go to the movies in Latvia.

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Just Say No

I'm not necessarily against scams. The thing about most scams is that it's fairly obvious they're scams. It's a wonder (to me, anyway) that they ever work in the first place. Therefore, as a proponent of "A fool and his money are soon parted", I have a hard time being overly sympathetic toward people who get taken to the cleaners by people who aren't even cleaners. You need to pay attention. If it's too good be true, it probably freaking is! Thus, don't do it! And I know that some softhead out there is going to be thinking "What about the elderly?" The elderly need to pay attention to! I understand that they're all nice and want to help and always have those weird peppermint candies in their purse that they're always trying to give away, but that's no reason to try to take advantage of them. They need to THINK. (And this is coming from someone (me) with an elderly mother. Lemme tell you, that old broad isn't going to help anyone with anything. And that could not make me happier. I don't know if it's because she doesn't want to get scammed or just because she's mean, but I really don't care. It's an effective strategy against evil-doers.)

But not everyone has any sort of built in B.S. beacon in their head. Let's look at a story from the Orlando Sentinel. Yes, it should come as no surprise that this goes on in Florida, but it can (and does) happen anywhere. Here's the scam: Someone who is over 60 years old and Hispanic is approached by two Spanish speaking people. The two people tell the person that they are in possession of a winning lottery ticket. How exciting! To make it even more exciting, it is, of course, a multi-million dollar lottery ticket! Oh, but then comes the sad news. The sad news is that the lucky couple are in this country illegally. See? Sad! But the person (about to be known as "The one with no more money") can help make this situation not so sad by cashing the ticket for the Spanish speaking foreigners.

Now, to me, I can see that situation occurring. The part about where a couple of illegals buy a lottery ticket and win the friggin' thing. I can also see them needing someone else to cash the ticket for them. Both of those things make perfect sense to me. Everything else, however, does not. They don't have any friends who are legal? What about the nice lady at the welfare office who I'm sure helps them get benefits? She couldn't do it? (These are rhetorical questions because, as you know, the whole situation is fake. Please don't email me with answers to these questions. I understand. You, on the other hand, clearly do not. I'm surprised you even read this blog. Grateful, but surprised.) The other thing that doesn't make any sense to me is why they need money first. The part that doesn't make a lick of sense to me at all is why anyone would give it to them first.

Yes, for some reason, this scam involves the person withdrawing a ton of money from their bank account and then giving it to the scammers. In turn, the scammers give the person the lottery ticket and then take them to a grocery store where they can turn it in. It's when the person is inside and finding out that the ticket is worthless that the scammers have drove away, likely never to be seen again, and taken all of the scamees money with them. In the most recent case, it was $14,500. What a bunch of a-holes.

Does the person deserve to lose that money? Well, I'm not trying to be a royal jackass here, but they kind of do! It's a pretty easy nut to crack in this instance. What say you check what the winning numbers are BEFORE you go taking every dime you have out of savings? Is that so far out of someone's realm of problem solving skills that it would have never occurred to them? And if so, WHY is that?! Why would you not question why they need YOUR money first? Apparently, it was for "collateral". I'm not giving someone ALL of my money for freaking collateral. And if you're someone who considers giving all of YOUR money to someone you've never met who isn't even in this country legally, you might deserve to lose that money. I'm just saying. Granted, I am also wondering how someone who could fall for something like this could have been able to amass that kind of money in the first place, as their dense, dense way of thinking doesn't seem like it would allow for the accumulation of riches.

And even though I've just explained my stance on the scamees, don't take that to mean that I am perfectly OK with people being scammers. I am not. Those who prey upon older people are the scum of the earth and should be treated in such a manner. People like that are not fit to breathe the air that is inhaled by humans. I despise people like that. Despise. But the only reason, the only reason that their scams can work at all is through the cooperation of those who are being scammed. If those people would just stop and think things through for a few moments, I really think that things would turn out a lot better in the end for everyone. Well, except for the scammers. But then again, that is the point!

According to the article "Many do not report the thefts out of embarrassment and fear their adult children will think they are senile". Yes, I can understand that. If my mom told me that she gave all of her money to a couple of Spanish speaking shysters, do you know what the first question I would ask her would be? Naturally, it would be "I didn't know you spoke Spanish." But after that? I would absolutely be questioning her state of mind. Why can't these people think of these things before they make these completely ill-advised moves? Why can't they just think, "If I get taken, my kids are going to be looking at homes for me. I'll be completely embarrassed AND broke. Maybe I won't give my life savings to two people I've never met who can't even follow our immigration laws. Yeah, maybe I won't do that." I don't get that. I doubt I ever will. Why are people so eager to help people that they've never met? I hardly want to help anyone. Maybe more people should adopt my surly attitude about goodwill toward men. It's not always overly pleasant, but there would be a lot less of this sort of thing happening, that's for sure.

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How Not To Move A Mattress

Today, we have a case of an event gone awry. But not just any event. It's an event which you wonder why it ever took place to begin with. It's an event which more than one person needed to concur that it was a good idea. It's an event in which both of those things seem completely impossible. They're definitely hard to explain.

Take the case of a one Timothy Lee Walker, 48-years old (and old enough to know better) and a one 42-year old Stella Thomas (also old enough to know better). According to MSNBC, one or both of these dimwits bought a mattress and were taking it home themselves. Naturally, they had neither the vehicle, nor the equipment with which to transport a mattress from one place to another. (Why is it that nine times out of ten, if someone is moving a mattress, they do not have a truck? I've never understood that. It's like some weird unwritten law of nature that if you don't have a truck, you're going to have to move your mattress. It's practically guaranteed.)

Now, most people, when transporting a large object that they have to put on top of their vehicle, tend to use some sort of tethering utilities to secure said object to said vehicle. Those can range anywhere from rope and twine to nylon cords and bungee cords. And that's just to name a few. You know what is noticeably absent from my list? That's right. The human body. See, Mr. Walker decided that a good idea for keeping the mattress on top of the vehicle was for him to lie down on top of the 1996 Ford Explorer while Ms. Thomas drove the moron and the mattress to their destination. You want to guess how that turned out? Poorly, that is correct.

Surprisingly, Mr. Walker "...fell from the vehicle when...Stella Thomas, 42, rounded a curve, causing the mattresses to slide off the roof". I don't know how they thought that was ever going to work. Mr. Walker's condition was such that he "...was taken by helicopter to a hospital". At the writing of the scant article (which is probably about as extensive as Mr. Walker's problem solving skills) "His latest medical condition wasn't known". Well, while his latest medical condition wasn't known, I'm guessing that his latest mental condition could probably be guessed at with a great degree of accuracy. What a maroon. I wonder how she ended up getting the mattress home after he went to the hospital?

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Coming To A Relationship Status Near You

You politically correct types are going to be the end of me. I swear. I know you're going win in the end, but I'm going to try and fight it as long as I can. And while I've got a lot of fight left in me, this sort of stuff really tires my ass out.

According to a Huffington Post article, Facebook is branching out and giving you more, yes, more choices for how to describe whatever your relationship status might currently be! How enlightened of them! Apparently, "Facebook has added two new relationship status options users can include in their online profiles: "in a civil union" and "in a domestic partnership." OK. So, why does this bother me? Well, you know I'm going to tell you, so what say you just calm down a minute there, Sparky? (Sorry. I'm a little cranky. Stuff like this just gives me a full head of steam.)

Before all of the enlightening, the choices were "limited" to: Single, In a relationship, Engaged, Married, It's complicated, In an open relationship, Widowed, Separated, and Divorced. OK. That's all fine and good. Are you seeing my problem with including "in a civil union" and in a domestic partnership", yet? The answer is: It seems unnecessary to me.

And it's not just the new ones that I have a problem with. How is "In an open relationship" any different from "It's complicated"? What the what is "It's complicated" supposed to mean anyway? Is it like, "I'm going to break up with him, but I'm waiting until after my birthday to see what he gets me"? Or is it "I haven't found anyone else to sleep with without emotional attachment, so I'm waiting for that first"? Or is it simply "I'm cheating on him and he doesn't know it yet"? (Did you like how in that example I made the woman the cheater instead of the man? See? I can be progressive, too!)

But back to the new options. Isn't "In a relationship" good enough? You'd think (back when the whole gay marriage debate was going on in California) that the civil union and the domestic partnership options would have been frowned upon by gay marriage proponents. Good Lord, that's all we heard about was how nothing less than a marriage would do! I mean, I guess if folks who it applies to are OK with it and everything, then I suppose it's fine. Maybe I'm just irritated that I never know what's fine and what's not with these things! It's always changing! And it's NEVER the same. Folks were absolutely militant in California about civil unions and domestic partnerships being soooo not good enough. Second-class compared to being married is what I heard a lot of. (I also heard a lot of the opposite of that. "What's next? People marrying dogs?") Which one is it?!

How come "polygamist" isn't an option? Is it because it's illegal and, therefore, doesn't have a legal status? (I'm still waiting for a reasonable explanation as to why polygamy is illegal, by the way. Two consenting adults? Seems like that's their business. I wouldn't do it, but if they're not hurting anyone and I'm not supporting their lifestyle in any sort of financial way, then why would I care? Why would anyone care?) What about "swinger"? That's a choice without a legal status, just like "In an open relationship" is a choice without legal status, right? How come "swinger" isn't on there?

Maybe they should be more specific with some of these. "Engaged to an inmate". "Looking for love". "Will screw for food." I really don't know. If you're perfectly OK with a civil union or a domestic partnership tag, well grand. I just don't know that they were needed. And I've just re-read this entire thing and it's entirely possible that I'm either overreacting (not a shocker) or wrong (not a shocker, either). But it does kind of bother me for the reasons stated and probably for a couple more that I'm not quite sure about just yet. When I figure those out, I'll let you know. Just don't hold your breath. I don't plan on devoting a whole lot of time to thinking about this ridiculousness.

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You Never Know When...

We're friends, right? You...me....friendly, yes? Yes. I think we are. And as a friend, I am going to do you a favor. Well, it's not a favor now so much as it would have been about 60 years ago. So if you could pretend it is somewhere around 1950 that I'm helping you out with this, that would really be beneficial.

Apparently, at one point, it was seen as useful to make a charming, short, black and white film for educational purposes and show them to students in class. PSAs, or Public Service Announcements, is what they were known as. And they do just that. They provide a public service which is announced via the film. And I am here to share one of these with you. Feeling lucky? You should. Because I'm going to let you in on some very important information to which you would be wise to heed. See, you may not have been aware of it up until now, but you never know when the homosexual is about. Wait. What?

Correct. See, the the PSA below warns about the dangers of the homosexual. We "learn" vital information about the homosexual. And if you thought that it was just a stereotype that the homosexual had a pervy pencil-thin moustache, was balding and wore weird sunglasses, well, you'd be wrong! According to this depiction, that is exactly what the homosexual looks like! Watch and learn, folks!

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Un-Beliebable

Is there any way that we could get away from asking questions of certain people who have no idea what they're talking about and have no business answering certain questions that they're asked? And by "certain people" I mean celebretards and Justin Bieber.

It was all I could do not to write about a press release that came out about a week ago, which started out: "REAL HOUSEWIVES STAR DANIELLE STAUB GIVES ADVICE TO EGYPT'S MUBARAK." Really? Who was asking? And who cared? And which of those two was the most dense intellectually? It had to have been a toss up. An excerpt: "Staub, who notoriously walked away from the show, was asked whether it was time for Mubarak to walk away as well...'If he feels in his heart that it's really time then, yeah, it is time," Staub stated." Kill me now. Don't delay! I'm standing by! But wait, before you do that? Could you tell me what's wrong with her face?

But I'm having a hard time not commenting on the Justin Bieber article in Rolling Stone. Again, why someone is asking these questions of ANY sixteen year old is beyond me, but asking them of Justin Bieber is simply stupefying. For instance, Bieber (who may or may not be a 30-year old lesbian impersonating a teenage boy) was apparently asked if he had any plans to become an American citizen. Thank God, he does not. He seems to be very fond of his homeland, America's Hat. But his reasons are...annoying at best. He 'jokes', "You guys are evil...Canada's the best country in the world...We go to the doctor and we don't need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you're broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard's baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby's premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home."

Are you kidding me?! His bodyguard has to PAY For his OWN BABY?!?! It's madness!! Hey, Bieber. He works for you, you little twit! If you're so big on your socialist system, what say, since you have WAY more money than your peon of a bodyguard, YOU pay for it?! And you DO pay for your doctor in Canada! It's just not directly! How do you think they get paid?! Where do you think that money comes from?! And there's a big freaking difference between your bodyguard having to pay for his own child and someone's premature baby getting to stay in the hospital as long as it needs to. Those two aren't the same thing. Is your bodyguard so idiotic that he didn't have insurance before deciding to have a baby? Pipe down, little lesbian.

The article continues to annoy me by apparently asking him "...what political party he'd support if he was old enough to vote." He responds with "I'm not sure about the parties...But whatever they have in Korea, that's bad." OK, so he's not going to join the...Korean...Party? What does that have to do with anything at all? Does he know that there is a North AND a South Korea? He makes it sound like he does not. But I guess it's good to know that he would be against doing things in Canada the way that they do things in at least one of the Koreas. (This guy still goes to school, right? Perhaps a little more focus on political parties around the globe is in order.)

And here's my favorite part. Here's where the interviewer asks a 16-year old boy about his opinion on, you guessed it, abortion. Listen, here's my opinion on asking people their opinion on abortion: It's pointless. No one is going to change anyone else's mind based on their opinion. It just doesn't happen. Once your opinion is formed, it's going to take something pretty major for you to go over to your perceived dark side. All asking for opinions on abortion ever does is start arguments. It's highly unlikely that abortion will ever be illegal in this country, so what's the point in arguing about it? I understand that some of you don't like it, but it's not going to change, so I suggest you get used to the fact that there are going to be some goings on in the world that you don't like.

But I digress. Back to Bieber. The article claims: "He does have a solid opinion on abortion." Oh, good! A solid opinion. Lay it on me. "I really don't believe in abortion...It's like killing a baby?" That's his solid opinion? One that ends with a question which inquires about the very issue being discussed? Let's see if we can narrow down the view of a 16-year old boy who may or may not be a lesbian. "How about in cases of rape?" Ohhhh! The devil's advocate clause that always comes out when people are against abortion. Let's see how he handles it! "Um. Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don't know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven't been in that position, so I wouldn't be able to judge that." Sweet fancy Moses. Are you dry shaving me?

He thinks rape is "really sad"? Do you now? Really sad? Yeah, that's the very least of what rape is! But I'm going to overlook that simply because his claim that "everything happens for a reason" has be so infuriated that I can barely type. So if a woman gets raped by a schizophrenic scumbag dripping with syphilis and becomes impregnated with his demon child, you "don't see how that would be a reason"?! For reals?! Oh, how I only wish that I could say "Who asked you?", but I can't because some dimwit actually DID ask him! For the purpose of what I cannot imagine.

Why would you ask a 16-year old, let alone a 16-year old boy, about abortion in the first place? Unless...maybe he really is a 30-year old lesbian. Have you been to Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber? If that website can teach us anything, it's that we really have no idea what he is. And I'm good with that. I don't need to know what he is anymore than I need to know what he thinks. If I never heard another word from or about Justin Bieber for the rest of my life it would be too soon. Because, you know, everything happens for a reason!

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Lil World Record

For about a week, the delicious cookie which brings black and white together, the beloved Oreo, has been promoting a stunt on their Facebook page. See, Oreo wants to set a world record for the most Facebook likes in 24 hours. That's a noble gesture. Not as noble perhaps as, say, making those Oreos dipped in white chocolate available all year long, but noble in its own special way.

The world record attempt was supposed to start yesterday. And it got off to a rousing start! After just six hours, they had 61,595 Likes. That's something. I don't know what exactly, but definitely something. But wait! There's more! Every story needs an antagonist and this tale of liking Oreos is no exception. It's a rather unexpected antagonist, however. Enter Lil Wayne.

That's right. Lil Wayne. Now, this Wayne fellow, just how lil is he? I mean, are we talking like could fit in the palm of my hand or just fairly short statured? Whichever it is, he appears to be some sort of a gangster thug criminal convicted felon rapper. He apparently also goes by Weezy, which I thought was reserved strictly for George Jefferson's wife, but perhaps I was mistaken. I don't recall Small Wayne being married to George Jefferson, nor do I recall Mr. Jefferson swinging that way. He had Lionel, didn't he? Wow, I certainly do digress at times. Where was I? Oh, right! Diminuitive Wayne.

Tiny Wayne decided that setting a world record and having to do absolutely nothing to get said world record sounded like a good idea. Thus, he posted the following on his Facebook page: "everyone, please "Like" this post. I'm trying to break the Guinness World Record for most "Likes" on a post in 24 hours. Let's get it!!!" And what do you think happened? That's right. Plenty of people who favor Miniature Wayne and thought that it would actually mean something to him if they individually "Liked" his post. And thus, the "Liking" began. To the tune of about 20-80 folks per every few seconds. And while it's great to see folks banding together for a common cause, couldn't it have been something not quite as ridiculous as liking a man whose first name is Lil?

After almost an hour, Pocket-Sized Wayne had approximately 305,366 "Likes". (As of the publication of this post, it's just over 450,000 "Likes".) He didn't even promote his little stunt. Oreo was all over their idea for at least a week. And not only did Micro Wayne get that many likes in an hour, over 10,000 dimwits felt the need to comment as well. What were they commenting on? Not much, that's for sure. Let's see...we have "this has got to be a record", "good luck with record", "Lets make it hapoen for Weezy" (I don't know what 'hapoen' means. Maybe it's rapper talk.), "will do anything for wezzy f baby fo s" (I wonder if that "anything" that she will do would include not spelling his name "wezzy"?), and my favorite "iit's good to comment alot, then Lill Wayne maybe see's it, and sends you a privet messege, that woudnt be wrong, or would it ;D".

Yes, wouldn't that be a red-letter day if he maybe see's it. And a privet messege? Wow! What would I do? (For those who really can't surmise the answer, I'd kill myself if I got anything privet from Teensy Wayne.) Reading a lot of the comments really drained me of my WTL (Will To Live). We're so doomed. And so is any chance of Oreo setting the world record for the most "Likes" in a 24-hour period.

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