It's less than a week until the Super Bowl. And that means less than a week to some awesome commercials. Granted, they're not as good as they used to be. But there's usually at least one or two that will really stand out for years to come. And those that do stand out? Well, we can usually thank Bud Light for those. In fact, some of the best Super Bowl commercials (in my never to be humble opinion) are the ones that never aired. But, thanks to the accessibility of the Innerwebs and the YouTube, now they are available every day, all the time! How great is that? Pretty great, that is correct. And allow me to demonstrate just how pretty great it is with probably what is my all time favorite, never aired on TV, Bud Light ad. They call it, humbly enough, The Swear Jar. Enjoy it, you effers.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Riot Like An Egyptian

First, I'm not pro-dictatorship. Dictators are really bossy. I don't like it


And finally, while I'm all in favor of a nice revolution, you know what I'm not in favor of? I'm not so much in favor of the asshats that look at a time of political unrest as a justification to start looting stuff. People who are out there stealing stuff don't seem to have as much of an interest in

Sunday, January 30, 2011
What Is Internet?


And when I was first introduced to the concept of the Internet, while I didn't quite understand all of it or the immense capabilities, I was able to grasp the concept of the "@" symbol. It's pronounced 'at'. You know that. I know that. You know who didn't know that? Katie Couric. (Are you really that surprised? Of course you're not.)
I'm including a link to some video from 1994 that has surfaced. (I would have


And while I find it amusing, I'm a little perplexed on why those folks don't do any research for their job. Seriously, if they knew that they were going to be talking about "Internet" that day at work, don't you think that they maybe should have brushed up on what the heck it was first? I mean, they're already completely morons. Do they really want to appear to be complete morons? Hmm. I guess if I look at how things turned out for them today, I guess it really doesn't matter. Nope. Doesn't matter if you're stupid, you can still get ahead in media. We're scroomed.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Almost An Alpaca
Just so you know, Taylor Lautner of sparkly vampire fame, looks an awful lot like an alpaca.

My thanks go out to BuzzFeed for pointing out this stellar similarity. Seriously, who knew? Granted, who cared? But who knew?!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Something's Missing

You got it. According to The Register, a Turkish fellow "...living in Germany has asked cops to
protect him from his sex-mad missus". Wait a minute. Why does it matter that he's Turkish? If they're not going to tell me how he got to Germany or if it isn't relevant in any other way, I don't care. Aside from that, however, what exactly does he mean "protect him"? Well, again referring to the article at The Register, "The bleary-eyed victim of his wife's "voracious embraces" walked into a police station in the southwestern city of Waiblingen on Tuesday to explain he'd spent four years kipping on the sofa in a vain attempt to get some shut-eye." Apparently, kipping is like a nap. I would have rather had them tell me that than that all of this took place in the southwestern city of Waiblingen. I can't wrap my head around the location of Waiblingen, but I would have completely been able to comprehend what a nap was if they had bothered to include that.
But seriously, four years? Sleeping on the sofa in an attempt to escape his wife always wanting to have sex with him? He's been married to this chick for eighteen years and they have two kids. That doesn't seem like he's always been opposed to it. There are way too many unknowns in this story for me to just choose a side.


On the one hand, it could sound as if the guy has every guys dream
with his seemingly nympho of a wife there. Who would turn down a wife who is wanting sex every night? On the other hand, we know nothing about his wife. Think about it. How large is she? What's her hygiene like? Is she missing teeth? Bald or no? What sort of stuff is she into? (I'm not going to elaborate on that one. I'm going to leave it up to you as to why a humongous, fragrant, toothless, hairless woman would not exactly rev up the desires of her man.) I'm not so sure that we shouldn't be thinking that this guy is nuts and instead should be feeling sorry for him.

I still think it's weird that he's stuck around for as long as he has. I
mean, four years of sleeping/napping on the sofa seems like a bit much. I am leaning toward asking the question of how long it could possibly take him to perform his marital duties. Couldn't he just fake it? Is there reverse Viagara? She's not going to be clamoring all over him if he's displaying a limp shrimp all of the time. I wonder if once he gets all caught up on his sleep if he'll start missing all of the sex. Don't get me wrong, sleep is great. Sex is better, though. Usually. But probably not with her. I think I'm done here. (But before I finish, I have to thank my friend Liz for bringing all of this German sex craziness to my attention! Nice job! Thanks!)

Thursday, January 27, 2011
Goodbye, Keith

Do you know how many people watch cable news? You'd think, judging from the way everyone



Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Country....

I did a little research (ie, I looked at something else besides porn online) on the whole State of the
Union address. I went as far back as Reagan and in every single President's State of the Union address, a phrase similar to "Our union is strong" was uttered. Every time. And that's when I realized, what else do I expect them to say? Can I really picture President Barry standing up there all stoic and saying, "Country...We. Are. Effed." No, I can't. I could kind of picture Bill Clinton doing something like that, but we kind of did all right under him (which is probably how he likes it!).


And who is to blame for making it into a speech? It's so long. Wait a
minute. I take that back. The speech wouldn't be so dang long if everyone would hold their applause and keep their butt in their seat. It's like watching a room full of Jack-in-the-boxes. (No, not the fast food chain with the oh-so delicious Breakfast Jack. The childhood toy of yore is what I was referring to.) Every single sentence that comes out of the President's mouth gets a round of applause from the peanut gallery and they all jump to their collective feet. Why? All he said was "Good evening"! He gets a standing O for that? Sit down and let him finish so that we can be done with this already! I'll bet you that if you didn't have to wait for all of the clapping and all of the standing and all of the sitting that he'd be done with that thing in twenty minutes. But no. No, now we're all locked in for at least an hour. I pass the time by trying to figure out how John Boehner got to be so orange. (And in case you're still wondering, it was Woodrow Wilson who is responsible for bringing the State of the Union back in the orated form. Jackass.)


So how great would it be if the President just dropped off a letter to Congress? Oh, it would be
fabulous! (Besides, the text of the speech always leaks out ahead of time, so it's not like we don't know what he's going to say.) You know what would be even greater? If it said something like "We're doing good over here. Hope y'all are doing good, too. TTYL. Barry." Wouldn't that be fabulous? I think it would be great. If nothing else, it might possibly get all of the media folks to stop saying that it's "an historic event".

Tuesday, January 25, 2011
State of the Union Bingo is HERE!
Today is the State of the Union address by President Barry. Can you believe that the last State of the Union address, the one where Joe Wilson shouted out, "You lie!", was a year ago? Holy cats, it seems like ten years ago when that happened. Actually, it seems like more like a hundred. Wow. Just thinking of that whole ordeal makes my ass tired. Thus, in order to avoid an overly exhausted anterior region, let's not think about last year. Instead, let's think about this year's State of the Union. And what better way to think of it and to get geared up for it than with a little State of the Union bingo?! Here's your card. Mark off a space every time President Barry utters one of the following words or phrases. Regular Bingo rules apply. If you get a bingo, pat yourself on the back or do a shot or whatever it is that you would do in that sort of celebratory situation. Playing this is probably the only way that I'm going to be able to stay awake through the whole thing.


Monday, January 24, 2011
Ridiculous Things I Read About Today

I was reading about Barry Bonds' upcoming trial for perjury. The perjury charges (and there are ten of them) stem from his telling a grand jury back in December of 2003 that "he never knowingly took steroids." Yeah, right. Did you see Barry Bonds back then? He was a mammoth. Of course he took steroids. Everyone in baseball took steroids and he was no exception. His arms were gigantic. His trained testified that at one point, he had to order new hats for Barry because his head was bigger. I don't know about you, but I don't know of many adult males whose head suddenly starts to grow if they are not on steroids.
But all of that isn't my point. My point is what I read in an article over
at the Huffington Post. The article was talking about the hearing on Friday and it said, "Dressed in a dark suit and slimmed down from his San Francisco Giants playing days...." That's all you need to know. Gee, I wonder WHY he was all slimmed down? Could it be that there isn't any reason for him to take steroids any more? Yeah, that's a tough one to noodle through. Man, I hope they find him guilty. I know that there were a lot of players that roided up during the 1990s. But Barry is so smug about it. AND he did a lot of damage to the game by going on the juice. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Can't wait to see how that one turns out.




Right. Like the two of you are going to stay married long enough to grow old together. You guys
won't even be married long enough to buy a new couch, let alone to grow old together. I'm pretty sure that a gallon of milk could last longer than your eternal bond is going to. And while I find his statements absolutely vacuous, I'm almost more amused at Kat Von D for agreeing to marry this dirtbag. You think that you're different, do you, cupcake? You think that y'all were meant for each other? You think that he isn't currently cheating on you? You must have answered yes to all of those semi-rhetorical questions, as you're actually going to marry him. Wow. Good luck with that.

And those are the ridiculous going-ons that I read about today. What about you? Got anything good for me?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Don't Target Target



I asked my mom if this friend of hers was in favor of that sort of insanity and
she said that she claimed that she wasn't. I would certainly hope not. I mean, people are free to think what they want (despite most of my objections), but if my mom was friends with someone whose dome was so incredibly soft that she thought that the name Target would incite violence, I'd really have to consider my relationship with her. Either that or start looking into suitable homes for her. At least under this pretense, I'd have a reason.

I swear to you, if there is ever a shooting at a Target store, I'm going to turn off all media, possibly forever. I don't think that I could take listening to people debate whether or not the name was at fault. I think that would absolutely be the straw that drove me over the edge when I didn't want to drink. Or something like that.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Watch Where You're Going
Texting while driving? Bad. Texting while walking? Hilarious...if you're in a mall and you end up doing a header into the mall fountain! For now, just enjoy the gloriousness that is this dingbat tripping and falling into a fountain because she wasn't watching where she was going. Yes, I've heard that she is thinking about suing the mall because of this. I've also heard that she has a rather colorful history with the law and seems to be an overall despicable individual. (I also heard her giving an interview to some organization in which she says that she called her husband after she did her swan dive to tell him what happened. That's fine. What isn't so fine is that she explains that she refers to her husband as "Daddy". Yeah, I'm done here.)
Side note: Blogger was being all weird when I was trying to post this, so if the video doesn't work, try accessing it over at YouTube.
Friday, January 21, 2011
No Mo Spending!

Get this: Did you know that there is a "death gratuity" for members of
Congress? There is. Do you know what that means? I didn't, but when I looked it up, I was appalled. If you're a member of Congress and you die, your family gets a payment (that is paid for by the taxpayers) that is equal to one year's salary. According to something called The Daily Caller, when crooked ol' John Murtha croaked it "his family got a $174,000 payment". When the overly ancient Sen. Robert Byrd died, "...his family received $193,400." When Sen. Ted Kennedy died, "...taxpayers footed the bill for $174,000 in payments to his family." Do you think that ol' Ted Kennedy's family needed almost $200k? I can't possibly imagine that they did. Apparently, this thing "...was at one time meant to act as a form of life insurance for the families of Members who met an untimely demise". But now that almost every single Senator is a millionaire, I'm hardly thinking that this is necessary. (By the way, when my dad died, do you know how much the Social Security payout was to my mom? $252. Not $252 thousand. $252. I was so insulted I almost told them to keep it. Oh, and this was in 2005, not the fifties or anything. And I know that it's sort of apples and oranges, but they're both fruits, so there's some parallel here. Man, I like fruit.)

What else? Oh, they want to eliminate the Davis-Bacon Act (which
has been screwing taxpayers since 1931) to save more than $1 billion annually. This Act basically made it so that government contracts must pay a prevailing wage. According to Wikipedia (take it for what it's worth), "All federal government construction contracts, and most contracts for federally assisted construction over $2,000, must include provisions for paying workers on-site no less than the locally prevailing wages and benefits paid on similar projects." So, there's no getting anything done cheaper if you can. Nope. No sense in even bidding low. Nope. That it costs over a billion dollars a year makes me insane. That it has been in effect since 1931 (even though it has been suspended from time to time), makes me even crazier. Wouldn't you think that someone would realize that if it is being suspended (for reasons such as faster recovery from hurricanes) on occasion and things are just fine without it, shouldn't it pretty much be deemed unnecessary? Oh, wait. It's a government program. Never mind.

Did you know that we provide economic assistance to Egypt? We
do. Do you know how much assistance we provide Egypt? $250 million per year. Do you know WHY we assist Egypt? Neither do I. Their economy ranks 27th in the world. That's not too shabby. Their unemployment rate in 2009 was 9.37%. Um, that's kind of about the same as the unemployment here in the US. You don't think that we could have used that $250 million to economically assist our own citizens? Unbelievable. By the way, we're also giving $17 million dollars each year to Ireland. No answer for that one, either.


Below is the entire list of cuts that are proposed by my new heroes (well, for today), the Republican Study
Committee (courtesy of The Huffington Post). Their study claims that "The plan would reduce federal spending by $2.5 trillion over a decade". So when you hear some softhead say something to the effect of "it's just a drop in the bucket", please remind their dense, non-functioning selves that if you don't start putting drops of water IN the bucket, you're never going to fill up the bucket! You have to start somewhere! What part of that don't people understand?! Stop spending my money on the hair of the mo!

➢ Corporation for Public Broadcasting Subsidy. $445 million annual savings.
➢ Save America's Treasures Program. $25 million annual savings.
➢ International Fund for Ireland. $17 million annual savings.
➢ Legal Services Corporation. $420 million annual savings.
➢ National Endowment for the Arts. $167.5 million annual savings.
➢ National Endowment for the Humanities. $167.5 million annual savings.
➢ Hope VI Program. $250 million annual savings.
➢ Amtrak Subsidies. $1.565 billion annual savings.
➢ Eliminate duplicative education programs. H.R. 2274 (in last Congress), authored by Rep. McKeon, eliminates 68 at a savings of $1.3 billion annually.
➢ U.S. Trade Development Agency. $55 million annual savings.
➢ Woodrow Wilson Center Subsidy. $20 million annual savings.
➢ Cut in half funding for congressional printing and binding. $47 million annual savings.
➢ John C. Stennis Center Subsidy. $430,000 annual savings.
➢ Community Development Fund. $4.5 billion annual savings.
➢ Heritage Area Grants and Statutory Aid. $24 million annual savings.
➢ Cut Federal Travel Budget in Half. $7.5 billion annual savings.
➢ Trim Federal Vehicle Budget by 20%. $600 million annual savings.
➢ Essential Air Service. $150 million annual savings.
➢ International Fund for Ireland. $17 million annual savings.
➢ Legal Services Corporation. $420 million annual savings.
➢ National Endowment for the Arts. $167.5 million annual savings.
➢ National Endowment for the Humanities. $167.5 million annual savings.
➢ Hope VI Program. $250 million annual savings.
➢ Amtrak Subsidies. $1.565 billion annual savings.
➢ Eliminate duplicative education programs. H.R. 2274 (in last Congress), authored by Rep. McKeon, eliminates 68 at a savings of $1.3 billion annually.
➢ U.S. Trade Development Agency. $55 million annual savings.
➢ Woodrow Wilson Center Subsidy. $20 million annual savings.
➢ Cut in half funding for congressional printing and binding. $47 million annual savings.
➢ John C. Stennis Center Subsidy. $430,000 annual savings.
➢ Community Development Fund. $4.5 billion annual savings.
➢ Heritage Area Grants and Statutory Aid. $24 million annual savings.
➢ Cut Federal Travel Budget in Half. $7.5 billion annual savings.
➢ Trim Federal Vehicle Budget by 20%. $600 million annual savings.
➢ Essential Air Service. $150 million annual savings.
➢ Technology Innovation Program. $70 million annual savings.
➢ Manufacturing Extension Partnership (MEP) Program. $125 million annual savings.
➢ Department of Energy Grants to States for Weatherization. $530 million annual savings.
➢ Beach Replenishment. $95 million annual savings.
➢ New Starts Transit. $2 billion annual savings.
➢ Exchange Programs for Alaska, Natives Native Hawaiians, and Their Historical Trading Partners in Massachusetts. $9 million annual savings.
➢ Intercity and High Speed Rail Grants. $2.5 billion annual savings.
➢ Title X Family Planning. $318 million annual savings.
➢ Appalachian Regional Commission. $76 million annual savings.
➢ Economic Development Administration. $293 million annual savings.
➢ Programs under the National and Community Services Act. $1.15 billion annual savings.
➢ Applied Research at Department of Energy. $1.27 billion annual savings.
➢ FreedomCAR and Fuel Partnership. $200 million annual savings.
➢ Energy Star Program. $52 million annual savings.
➢ Economic Assistance to Egypt. $250 million annually.
➢ U.S. Agency for International Development. $1.39 billion annual savings.
➢ General Assistance to District of Columbia. $210 million annual savings.
➢ Subsidy for Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority. $150 million annual savings.
➢ Manufacturing Extension Partnership (MEP) Program. $125 million annual savings.
➢ Department of Energy Grants to States for Weatherization. $530 million annual savings.
➢ Beach Replenishment. $95 million annual savings.
➢ New Starts Transit. $2 billion annual savings.
➢ Exchange Programs for Alaska, Natives Native Hawaiians, and Their Historical Trading Partners in Massachusetts. $9 million annual savings.
➢ Intercity and High Speed Rail Grants. $2.5 billion annual savings.
➢ Title X Family Planning. $318 million annual savings.
➢ Appalachian Regional Commission. $76 million annual savings.
➢ Economic Development Administration. $293 million annual savings.
➢ Programs under the National and Community Services Act. $1.15 billion annual savings.
➢ Applied Research at Department of Energy. $1.27 billion annual savings.
➢ FreedomCAR and Fuel Partnership. $200 million annual savings.
➢ Energy Star Program. $52 million annual savings.
➢ Economic Assistance to Egypt. $250 million annually.
➢ U.S. Agency for International Development. $1.39 billion annual savings.
➢ General Assistance to District of Columbia. $210 million annual savings.
➢ Subsidy for Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority. $150 million annual savings.
➢ Presidential Campaign Fund. $775 million savings over ten years.
➢ No funding for federal office space acquisition. $864 million annual savings.
➢ End prohibitions on competitive sourcing of government services.
➢ Repeal the Davis-Bacon Act. More than $1 billion annually.
➢ IRS Direct Deposit: Require the IRS to deposit fees for some services it offers (such as processing payment plans for taxpayers) to the Treasury, instead of allowing it to remain as part of its budget. $1.8 billion savings over ten years.
➢ Require collection of unpaid taxes by federal employees. $1 billion total savings.
➢ Prohibit taxpayer funded union activities by federal employees. $1.2 billion savings over ten years.
➢ Sell excess federal properties the government does not make use of. $15 billion total savings.
➢ Eliminate death gratuity for Members of Congress.
➢ Eliminate Mohair Subsidies. $1 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate taxpayer subsidies to the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. $12.5 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate Market Access Program. $200 million annual savings.
➢ USDA Sugar Program. $14 million annual savings.
➢ Subsidy to Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD). $93 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate the National Organic Certification Cost-Share Program. $56.2 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate fund for Obamacare administrative costs. $900 million savings.
➢ Ready to Learn TV Program. $27 million savings.
➢ No funding for federal office space acquisition. $864 million annual savings.
➢ End prohibitions on competitive sourcing of government services.
➢ Repeal the Davis-Bacon Act. More than $1 billion annually.
➢ IRS Direct Deposit: Require the IRS to deposit fees for some services it offers (such as processing payment plans for taxpayers) to the Treasury, instead of allowing it to remain as part of its budget. $1.8 billion savings over ten years.
➢ Require collection of unpaid taxes by federal employees. $1 billion total savings.
➢ Prohibit taxpayer funded union activities by federal employees. $1.2 billion savings over ten years.
➢ Sell excess federal properties the government does not make use of. $15 billion total savings.
➢ Eliminate death gratuity for Members of Congress.
➢ Eliminate Mohair Subsidies. $1 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate taxpayer subsidies to the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. $12.5 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate Market Access Program. $200 million annual savings.
➢ USDA Sugar Program. $14 million annual savings.
➢ Subsidy to Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD). $93 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate the National Organic Certification Cost-Share Program. $56.2 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate fund for Obamacare administrative costs. $900 million savings.
➢ Ready to Learn TV Program. $27 million savings.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
How Old IS Al Davis?
I enjoy sports. So I pay attention when changes go on in sports. I especially pay attention to any time the owner of the Oakland Raiders makes an appearance in public. Al Davis is at least 130 years old and he's not wearing it well. The other day, he gave a press conference to introduce his new head coach and to try to explain some of why he fired the previous coach. All of that has nothing to do with what I found to be the more interesting (and frightening) aspect of said press conference. And that would be Al Davis' general appearance these days. Brace yourselves. It's not pretty. (Al's the one sitting down.) Behold!

Oh, good Lord! What the hell is that?! That is Al Davis. I think. It could be Nosferatu. Let's see if we can spot a difference between the two.

Hmm. Yeah, they might be the same person. Wow. What the what? Should he be out during the daytime? What's the deal with his head? Why isn't he having someone else do the speaking for him? He's scaring the children. Maybe they just photographed his bad side. Maybe he has a...a...good...side? Maybe? (I know! I know! I'm stretching it! Geez! YOU try and think of something to say in this situation. It ain't easy!) Where was I? Oh, that's right. Behold!
Oh, for cryin' out loud! It got worse! How could it have gotten worse?! Is there anything worse than that? (You know that I already know the answer to that, don't you?) Brace yourselves again. It's about to get real. Real scary.


My eyes! MY EYES! Kill it! Kill it with fire! NOW!! And if you're not going to kill it with fire then someone needs to make sure that his one eyeball doesn't pop itself loose because that's exactly what it looks like is about to happen. Would it hurt you to smile once in a while there, Al? Holy crap. Wow. Yeah, it looks like it might. Never mind. Just go away and it will be like we never brought it up, OK? Good. Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bleach my eyeballs.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Stop Spending My Money On Stupid Crap

Have you heard of the "virtual fence"? In essence, it was supposed to be a technology based
approach that would help secure our borders. No one ever really explained how it would work exactly and when they did try to explain how it would (hypothetically) work, they were still never sure if it would actually work. Even the freaking government knew how far-fetched it was. But do you think that stopped them from going full speed ahead with their project and your money? Of course not.


And if you're wondering if we got anything at all for that one billion dollars, the answer is yes. Granted, it's not much, but it's something.
Is it a billion dollars worth of something? Hell no. According to the New York Times, "In a pilot program in Arizona, it cost about $1 billion to build the system across 53 miles of the state’s border." A billion dollars? For fifty three miles of border? Yes. And mind you that in the "new approach" to border security, "...using mobile surveillance systems and unmanned drones already in the Border Patrol’s arsenal, would cost less than $750 million to cover the remaining 323 miles of Arizona’s border." Uh-huh. I see. Sooooo...if I do the math here, let's see...carry the two...divide into the...bring down the zero...all right then! ONE mile of "border security" cost approximately $18,867,925. That comes out to approximately $3,573 per foot. If you weren't angry before, you should be now.

While I enjoy the thought of unmanned drones whizzing along the border, I have a question. And I'm
guessing that I must be missing something because I never even hear this brought up during discussions of border security. What in the world would be wrong with a big ass G-D fence? Have it go about ten stories below ground and about five stories above ground. Make it ten feet thick. Put some barbed wire at the top. Voila! What's wrong with that? I don't understand why it has to be all high-tech. Sure, high-tech is cool as can be, but all I want is for people to be kept out. I don't care if we don't use laser beams or teleporters to keep them out, just keep them out. And stop spending my money on stupid crap that isn't going to work! Spend my money to build a freaking fence and be done with it! At the very least, explain to me why a fence like I've described wouldn't work. But whatever you do, stop spending my money on stupid crap!
