Happy Birthday, Dad

If my Dad were still around, today would have been his birthday. Come to think of it, around or not, it's still his birthday. Regardless, even though I am fully aware that he (likely) does not have a computer or the Internet, I'm still doing it this way.

Happy birthday, Dad.

We'll be having your usual birthday dinner tonight. No sense in missing out on that. I sure do wish you could be here for it. As far as everything else goes, since I talk to you all the time, I won't go into a ton of detail because you already know everything.

I sure do miss you and I really wish you could come back.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

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Jail Isn't The Only Punishment

There are a whole lot of different kinds of crazy out there. Some of the crazy is the kind where the person absolutely can do something to help themselves. And the other kind of crazy is the kind where the person absolutely needs some serious freaking help. And in situations where no one else is really overly harmed, I don't think that there needs to be much more of a penalty than getting the person some serious, and I mean freaking serious, help.

Take the case of a one Bethany Storro. About a month ago, she looked like this:

She's a fairly attractive woman in that photo. I don't know that from looking at that photo (or any photo, for that matter) that you'd be able to tell that she is one seriously disturbed individual. I say that because after August 30, she looked like this:

Yeah, see the facial disfigurement that you're witnessing there came from what she claimed was a black, female stranger coming up to her on the street and throwing acid in her face. Ouchie! She said that a woman who she didn't know came up to her on the street and said something to the effect of, "Hey, pretty girl. Do you want to drink this?" The alleged woman then allegedly threw an extremely caustic substance in Ms. Storro's face. The burning off of her skin did immediately commence.

And yes, that sounds like a tragic tale. Many people thought the same thing and the donations came pouring in to the tune of around $28,000. People can be really giving and generous at times. They can also get seriously pissed off when they find out that the person that they are giving money to staged the whole thing herself and doused her own face with acid. Wait. What now?

Correct. Ms. Storro has admitted to throwing acid in her own face and making up the entire story. According to the Daily Mail (why I can't find this particular bit of information in US media sources would be simply stupefying if I hadn't already come to grips with the fact that the media blows), Ms. Storro "...had poured the drain clogging chemicals on her own face after buying it from a DIY store." So, she burned her facial skin off with Drano, essentially? Seriously. What the what?

See what I mean? She's not well. And here's where the thing gets just a little complicated. (Not much, mind you. Just a little.) See, she took those $28,000 in donations and began spending it on herself and her family. Yeah, you can't do that when you're lying about stuff. It's really frowned upon. She allegedly bought a computer, some clothes, train tickets (people still take trains?), and took her family out for expensive meals. Kind of odd behavior (if you're asking me) from someone whose face was allegedly just ruined in a random, hideous attack by a stranger.

I'm guessing it was behavior such as that which sort of clued the cops in that there might be something more to this. That and the fact that the patterns in which the acid had scarred her face were not consistent with something being splashed upon her. And when she finally confessed that she made the whole thing up, that's exactly what the deal was. It hadn't been splashed. It had been dabbed on, as "...Miss Storro told police her original plan was to commit suicide, but she changed her mind as she dabbed the acid on her face."

Holy freaking hell. How on earth could you stand the pain of having just a little acid dabbed anywhere on your body?! Then again, how on earth could you think that dabbing acid on your face would kill you? I don't know either, but when she realized that she had chosen the wrong suicidal path, "She allegedly told police: ‘When I realised it wasn’t killing me, I thought maybe this was the answer to all my problems - to have a completely different face." Turns out, it was just the beginning of her problems, though she did accomplish her goal of a completely different face.

As is the case with most instances that are completely inexplicable (totally without splick), she thought that she was smarter than everyone else. She told the police, "I thought there would be no evidence of me doing it to myself. I thought that you guys would give up trying to find the person and it would be done." Wow. Not a lot of faith in the long arm of the law. Does she not follow any news at all? If a bunny rabbit gets a blister on its paw and it makes the news, people send in donations like there is no tomorrow. Of course it isn't going to go away that easily.

Because Ms. Storro used the funds that were collected under the guise of her poorly thought out ruse, that amounts to what is called 'theft by deception' and she was charged with three felony counts of it. My question here is: Is that really necessary? Look, I understand that it is not OK at all to take advantage of the inherently good nature of a lot of people. Does this really need to go through the legal system? Can't she just be committed to a mental hospital/facility for quite some time? She is obviously in need of some intense treatment for some severe mental issues. What good is dragging this through the courts going to do? I could see it if she was one of those scumbags who claim to have cancer and then the entire town holds a myriad of bake sales and the person turns out to not have cancer at all and has spent all of the proceeds on a new double wide trailer. Those people need be dealt with by an angry mob of the people that they ripped off. But this woman? Come on. Really?

I don't know how long it will take to treat a woman with the issues that Ms. Storro obviously has, but I hope it takes a really long ass time. I hope that the folks at the facility that she has already checked herself into are going to recognize the extreme depths of her problems and treat her accordingly (unlike the dolts at UCLA who let Lindsay Lohan out after a couple of weeks and said that she doesn't have a substance abuse problem). Make her return the money that she spent and drop the charges. Trust me, she'll be punished for the rest of her life having to live her life as herself. It's never going to be easy from here on out. Isn't that enough? I think that in this case that it probably is.

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How Not To Smuggle Drugs Into Prison

A father should be willing to do anything for his son, shouldn't he? Theoretically? Probably. But I'm pretty sure that there's a line even with the father-son relationship. Pretty sure. I'm not a father and I don't have a son, but if I did have a son, I think that he'd have to go without his black tar heroin in prison if it meant that I (as the hypothetical father) would have to smuggle it into the prison shoved up my arse and then remove it to transfer it to my son via an open-mouthed kiss. Wait. What?

That's the story out of Colorado that we learn from CBS8 in San Diego. Go figure. It would seem that a one 29-year old Donald Curtis Denney was serving time in a Colorado prison for robberies that he committed in San Diego in 2006. Now, you might wonder how this man could have gone so astray in his life, but when you hear about his father, it will all be crystal clear.

See, the father and the son spent two years coming up with an ingenious plan to smuggle some black tar heroin into the prison. (I don't know what makes that any different from regular heroin or if it is what is in the highest demand in prisons these days, but they felt the need to mention it, so I'm guessing there is some sort of a significance to it.) Two years. Two years to come up with this plan. I'm so shocked that it was thwarted. I don't know. Maybe they would have gotten away with it if they hadn't been planning their idiotic (and extremely disgusting) scheme during phone conversations which, because the son was in prison, were monitored. That's right. They could have just walked up to the authorities and told them of their plan and saved themselves a whole lot of time.

Aside from that, you'd think that after two years of planning, you're going to come up with something at least halfway decent. Not in this case. Nooooo. After two years, the best that these guys could come up with AND what they ended up agreeing upon was for the dad to shove a golf ball sized piece of this black tar heroin up his arse and get it into the prison that way. How is that going to help anyone when it still has to be transferred from anus to prisoner? It's not like they didn't think of that! Come on! Give them a little credit! They planned for the dad to take it out of his rectal region, put it in his mouth and then give his son a big ol' open mouthed kiss and transfer it that way. Oh. God.

Two years?! What in the hell were the plans that they decided against? What wasn't as brilliant as the plan that they settled upon?! What? Were other ideas just too disgusting or something? I like to think of the arse as an "out only" instrument. Only out! ONLY. OUT. But this guy thought otherwise. Not only did he think otherwise, he saw nothing wrong with taking what does come out (after it had been inserted in) and putting it in his mouth. What in the world is wrong with some people?

I have absolutely no idea how the guy planned to get it from Point A(rse) to Point B(ehind tongue). I also have absolutely no idea why CBS8 decided that it would be a good idea to interview the father's neighbor. Said the neighbor, a one Mike V., "I felt so disgusted and would never imagine taking something out of my butt and putting it in my mouth in the first place, but to kiss my own child -- it wouldn't happen." Well said. Then again, the open-mouthed kissing of an adult child would be the least of my concerns. My main concern would be the fecal covered object in someone's mouth, really. But Mike seems more concerned about the kissing. To each their own, I suppose, but that would be secondary.

All was foiled when they did a body cavity search on Mr. Denney when he went to visit his son. That's what happens when you make stupid-ass plans over phone lines that are being monitored (you know, because you're in prison) and then go through with them. Yep. That's exactly what happens. And in case you're wondering, Mr. Denney, Sr. looks just exactly how you'd expect him to look. Behold!

Good Lord. It's like Popeye on crack. Don't do drugs, kids! And for God's sake, don't put them up your arse and then in your mouth and then go around kissing someone in prison in an attempt to transfer said drugs. Just don't.

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The Fiery Unit

Sure, you're going to be a little bit upset when you find out that your husband is having an affair. You might even contemplate some sort of revenge upon him and, perhaps, his straying unit. But if that's going to be the case, you're really going to need to think about what you're ultimately hoping to accomplish, here. Because while you might only set out to simply burn your husband's penis out of rage, should you end up burning down the entire house and killing him in the process, you're going to have a lot of explaining to do.

Let's go to the land down under to a suburb of Adelaide, South Australia called Unley. There we'll find a one 46-year old Rajini Narayan. We'll find her to find her husband has been having an affair. According to news.com.au, for some reason, in December of 2008, Ms. Narayan's husband was lying in the couple's bed and gave Ms. Narayan "...his email password and she found emails detailing the affair." Well. That's one way to do it. Needless to say, his wife was less than thrilled.

After learning of his affair, she allegedly said to him, "You say you loved her. I'm going to burn your penis. I'm going to tell your family what you have done." Shouldn't she have just chosen one? Tell his family OR burn the penis? And did she really say it like that? I mean, that seems rather matter-of-fact. Why would she say that? It really ruins the surprise of all of the penis burning that would take place later if you're asking me.

Now, her attorney claims that "...the words were "spoken from Narayan's heart" because of a "genuine, if wildly misguided" belief she would keep her husband." Hmm. Do you really want a husband with a burned penis? I don't know that you do. I certainly don't know why you would. Granted, it would probably stop him from having affairs, but that doesn't mean that Ms. Narayan, as the one doing all of the burning, is going to be benefiting sexually from such a deed either. But Mr. Narayan apparently didn't seem to care about his wife's plans/threats, as he allegedly "...rolled away from her, turning his back on her. He said: `No you won't, you fat, dumb bitch'." And she wants this guy...why? Burn his weenie off. That's how I feel about the situation right about now.

And that's apparently how Ms. Narayan felt as well, as she doused her husband in petrol and proceeded to have herself quite the weenie roast. However, her act of revenge wasn't just limited to the man's unit. No, she managed to burn him over 75 percent of his body at the same time she burned down the family home. The crispy cheater died a few days later. Whoops.

Ms. Narayan is, of course, on trial for killing her husband. She doesn't appear to be denying that she acted the way that she did. And while one can sympathize with someone who finds out that their spouse is cheating on them, can they really sympathize to the point where they're OK with them burning them to death? Perhaps. Perhaps if, like the prosecutor says, "Ms. Narayan had told a tarot card reader, who she had visited just days before the attack on her husband, that her husband would not let her reduce her working hours because she was paying for the other woman." No pun intended here, but what a dick.

I'm not so sure why Ms. Narayan couldn't just up and leave. There's no way in hell I'm staying with some guy who tells me that my paycheck is helping pay for some other woman that he's having an affair with. Yeah, I know that burning his penis off sounds really great and all. But the thing about fire is that it's pretty hard to contain to just one bodily organ, especially when the whole body is doused in fuel. I can't imagine that she won't be found guilty. Then again, I couldn't imagine that Lorena Bobbitt was going to get off either. Stay tuned!

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Happy Birthday, My Friend

Look, I don't often use this blog as an outlet for me to wax poetic about my personal life (other than stuff that irritates the holy crap out of me), but I'm making an exception today.

Yesterday was my BFF's birthday. I have no idea how old she is because she won't tell anyone. (OK, fine. I know exactly how old she is, but I'm not telling her that I know! If she wants to live in her odd little world that way, let her.) And she's really the most incredible person that I've ever known. But lately, things haven't been all that great for her. But in spite of all of the non-greatness, she still manages to hold it together. Somehow. I'm not sure exactly how she does it, but she does.

The point here is this: If there's someone that you love and/or respect who is having a hard time and you have the means or the ability to be able to help them out in some fashion, please do it. Don't do it with any strings attached. Don't do it expecting anything in return. And for cryin' out loud, don't make it about you. Do it because the person is awesome and because it would mean a lot to them. Do it because they deserve it. Do it because it will help them. Do it because you can. And do it because the enjoyment that you will get from watching them be so happy will be more rewarding than you ever imagined. You never know; you could just change their life. And that, in turn, will change yours. Trust me. It feels pretty good.

But don't worry. You can go right back to being snarky, surly and pessimistic right after you're done being nice. It's still there, which is a good thing because I'd really hate to make a choice.

Happy birthday, my friend.

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Some Things Take Time!

Yes, indeed. Christine O'Donnell is going to be the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you, Bill Maher, for holding true to your promise to show one clip (of when O'Donnell appeared on your show Politically Incorrect) each week until she agrees to come on your current show, Real Time. Maybe she didn't think that he was serious. I don't know. But if that was her mode of thinking, she might want to reconsider what else he might have in his vault over there, as the clip that he released on Friday doesn't exactly paint her as being the brightest bulb on the tree.

According to TPM (and the video below), when Christine O'Donnell was on Maher's show in 1998, she claimed that "Evolution is a myth." A myth? Myth? Myth?! Yes? (Sorry. Couldn't resist a quote from The Muppet Movie for some reason.) She thinks it is a myth? Does she have anything to back that up with? Um, technically speaking? Yes. Well, kind of.

When Bill Maher expressed disbelief at Christine O'Donnell's assertion that evolution was a myth, he asked her in disbelief, "Have you ever looked at a monkey?" She had the snappiest of all snappy comeback when she asked him, "Well, then, why aren't they still evolving into humans?" Good Lord, woman.

Why aren't they still evolving into humans? Does she think that this is an overnight process? Does she think that one generation is going to be able to witness the evolution of a beast into something less beastly? Apparently, she does. And she uses that irrational belief as a basis for her assertion that evolution is a myth.

Look, I don't care if she dabbled in "witchcraft" when she was in high school. You know why I don't care? Because I don't believe in witches. Sure, you can call yourself a witch, but what does that actually mean? It doesn't mean much to me, I'll tell you that. But if you're going to tell me that someone doesn't understand that monkeys do not evolve in the amount of time that you have available to actually watch them, am I going to care about that? I am if the person who thinks that is someone who aspires to be a US Senator. Then I absolutely do care. If she cannot grasp a simple concept such as evolution, am I supposed to have any faith at all that she'll be able to grasp complex economic concepts? Or any complex concept, for that matter? That's right. I won't.

The clip of her making this ridiculous assertion on Bill Maher's show is below. It's breathtaking, and not in a good way. She can't really win, can she?

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Mr. Colbert Goes To Washington

Every time that I think it isn't possible for Congress to disappoint me any more than they already have, they turn right around and do something that just zaps my ol' WTL (Will To Live) right out of me. And while I'm a big fan of comedy, I don't know that I necessarily need it on the floor of some sort of House subcommittee hearing on immigration today in the form of Stephen Colbert.

That's right. Stephen Colbert. For reasons that are completely unclear to me, Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-umbass) from California, who is the chairwoman of this subcommittee, invited Colbert to testify as some sort of "expert witness" about all of the migrant farm workers and their plights. Or something like that. As I've previously stated, none of this makes any sense to me. But that doesn't mean it wasn't funny.

I guess that Colbert spent a day in the fields with some migrant workers and picked his share of fruits and/or vegetables. That's what makes him an expert? A day? I've done plenty of things for A day. It hardly make me feel like an expert. And usually, it just makes me glad that the day is over and I don't have to do it any more.

I guess that Rep. Lofgren doesn't quite get that Mr. Colbert plays a character on TV. Oh, sure, it's him and all, but he's in character. See, TV isn't always real! I'm serious. Not always real. Granted, the times when it is real, we most often wish that it wasn't (ie, Kate Gosselin). I'll give you that. But it's not like this is the first time that a fictional character has testified before Congress. Oh, no! There was one other. Would you care to guess who it was? Of course you wouldn't. You're not going to want to know, either, when I tell you that it was Elmo. Oh, for cryin' out loud.

It appeared as if even Mr. Colbert was confuddled as to why he was there and, according to The Huffington Post, said that he was happy and honored to be there, "...to share his "vast experience" of working on a farm for one day, and hopes his fame will get this show bumped up to "C-SPAN ONE"." That's pretty funny. I'd be laughing harder if it wasn't before freaking Congress, but it's a good bit.

And several more good bits followed that one. Sadly, some of the good bits were from the representatives themselves. And they would have been funnier if I wasn't so irritated that they were asking stupidly amusing questions at a Congressional hearing. Questions like those from a one Lamar Smith, a Republican from Texas, who asked Colbert if the work on the farm was hard? Answer: "It's certainly harder than this." He then asked if it was harder for Colbert to do his comedy show? Answer: "Much harder than punditry." Are you serious, Mr. Smith? That question reinforces my belief that a large number of representatives are completely out of touch. Has this man never worked on a farm? Has he never seen farm work being done? Do we need to show him an episode of "Green Acres"?

For some reason, a one Judy Chu (D-umbass, CA) compared Colbert's appearance "...to that time Loretta Swit testified before Congress about "crush videos"." I don't know that comparing Stephen Colbert to Loretta Swit in any capacity is a good comparison. Yes, I'm sure that there are lots of celebrities that have testified before Congress (for some reason). I get that. But I don't think that Loretta Swit and her "crush videos" crusade has a lot in common with Stephen Colbert joking that even though the day he worked in the fields he was a corn packer, that he "...understands it is a term for a "gay Iowan, and meant no offense"." Yeah, they're clearly different. (I'd like to know how all of that "crush video" testimony given by Ms. Swit (in 1999, by the way) turned out as far as Congress goes. What did they do about it? Anything? Anything? Anyone? Hello? Oh, I see. Nothing, eh? Moving along!)

Some of his best lines seemed lost on the representatives. Barely getting them to crack their stone-faced gazes was this zinger: "This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan, then served by a Venezuelan, in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian." Does Congress know what a Brazilian is? Of course they do! I'm sure that they require that most of their potential pages have one as a prerequisite to an internship.

I think my personal favorite was this one: "I’m not a fan of the government doing anything. But I’ve got to ask: Why isn’t the government doing anything? Maybe this Add Jobs Bill would help. I don’t know. Like most members of Congress, I haven’t read it.” Excellent point, Mr. Colbert. I, too, would prefer that the government stay out of most matters. But when there are matters that it seems like they should get involved in, they don't seem to exactly be Johnny on the spot. Granted, Mr. Colbert and I have different opinions on these migrant workers (mine being that if they're here illegally, they need to go), but it doesn't change the fact that no one is doing anything other than having pointless hearings with a bunch of people that haven't read the very bill that they're talking about.

Is it November yet? How many of these yo-yos need to go? I'm guessing anyone who considers a person with one day of "experience" to be an "expert" who is worthy of testifying before Congress. Why don't these damn representatives go out and work a day in the damn fields themselves if they want to know what it's like? I don't know what in the world that would actually do, but then again, I don't know what in the world Stephen Colbert was doing testifying before Congress, so it probably couldn't hurt.

We are so doomed. And screwed. We're so scroomed.

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Facebook Is Down! Facebook Is Down!

Yesterday, the Facebook went down for a few hours. You would have thought that time had stood still, judging from some of the reactions on the Innerwebs. Fortunately for us, some folks took to Twitter when they were FB-less and some of them used their 140 characters or less to provide us with amusement.

Take a one TheDollSays who took to tweeting in order to bring us this gem:

Would not have surprised me a bit if that really happened. Not a bit. Something called OPB realized that Facebook being down was just what this country needed.

Something called MTVClutch realized that without the Facebook, we are really going to miss out on some pertinent information about folks.

A one Misty Mills took this opportunity to, once and for all, explain what in the world Twitter is for.

And this poor Kingsleyyy chap is very upset about being sans Facebook. He blames it on the upcoming movie about Facebook's (alleged) creator, Mark Zuckerberg.

All I know is that if someone ever asks me where I was during the great Facebook outage of 2010, they're going to get punched. It was two hours, people! Get a grip!

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