There are several ways to tell if you might have a drug problem. If you start missing work or going to work high, you might have a drug problem. If you start avoiding things that you once found pleasurable so that you can do drugs instead, you might have a drug problem. If you find yourself cutting open your acquaintances rectum with a straight razor to look for drugs, you might have a drug problem. Wait. What? 
According to something called The Dreamin' Demon, it seems that ol' Ethan and a bunch of his buddies were at a house at around 4AM. (Nothing good happens after midnight, folks. Nothing. I know that it seems like there's a lot of stuff going on, but there isn't. Nothing good, anyways. Take this story for instance. It happened after midnight and there isn't one good thing about it.) I'm assuming that young Ethan and his friends were just as high as could be because after one of the lads at the house passed out, "Younce and two others at the party believe that the man passed out has either drug money or drugs shoved up his ass." Of course. Because...well...why wouldn't he? Or something. 
drugs in the suppository position) at least FIFTY dollars worth of drugs, they decided to go looking for them. So "Younce’s accomplices held him down while Younce stripped him". And here's where it gets a little oogie. This is not for the faint at heart. It's really not for anyone, but if you can read this without squirming in your seat at least once, then you have nerves of steel at the very least. 
With the guy completed naked, Younce decided to carve up his anal region like a Thanksgiving turkey. Using a silver-and-black folding razor, Younce began cutting away...down there! And of course, his friends helped him in this endeavor because they must have thought that it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do to someone who might have all of FIFTY DOLLARS worth of drugs in their rectum. Fortunately, one of the people in the house realized that nothing good happens after midnight and ran "...shrieking to a neighbor to call 911." The cops showed up. Younce was arrested. His victim went to the hospital for "...emergency butt reconstruction surgery". He made it through the surgery and surprise! No drugs were found. Shocking, I know.
was high on in the first place. There's no way he was sober. That sort of information could prove helpful in the war on drugs. Listen, if I were a youngster and someone was talking to me about the dangers of this Drug X that Mr. Younce was on and they mentioned that this particular drug could make someone think really crazy thoughts about what was up my butt and want to carve it out of me with a razor, you can be damn sure that I wouldn't be around anyone who did that sort of drug EVER! I highly doubt that I would be doing that drug EVER as well. It sure as heck beats that "This is your brain on drugs" campaign with the fried eggs. I don't want to turn into the person that thinks that everyone's ass is a drug pinata. That's no way to go through life, son. No way at all.
From the files of "Really? I'm shocked." we have this little gem from htrnews.com: "An Asiatic black bear at Lincoln Park Zoo bit off all or parts of four fingers from the hand of a 47-year-old woman Friday after she went past barriers and was trying to feed the animal." Uh-huh. And? 
the news that it really is. The news that it really is would be that this moronic woman ignored all sorts of signs and barriers at the zoo warning people (including her, I would imagine) to stay away from the cages containing said bears. The news that it really is would be that despite repeated signage and repeated warnings and the continued presence of the bears, this woman went ahead and decided to feed them a little snack. (No word on whether or not a pick-in-ick bas-KET was involved. Boo-boo was unavailable for comment.) I'm not so sure that it's news that a bear (which is a wild animal, don't you know) bit the woman's hand and bit off her fingers. That doesn't seem like it's news, per se.
But it's being treated like news. And it is just what it sounds like it is. (By the way, in the same way that it sounds like what it is, police say that alcohol may have been involved. Again, I'm shocked. Someone help me sit down.) What did the woman think was going to happen? It's a freaking BEAR, for crying out loud! 
But here's the part that gets me. According to a one Aaron Buchholz, a wildlife biologist with the the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, "It appears at this point the bears will be saved,"...meaning not euthanized." What? 
r and her boyfriend, a one Lawrence Bosworth, have both "...agreed to undergo a series of preventative rabies vaccines, he said. The bears will be observed for a few days for signs of rabies." Wait. The bears will be observed for signs of rabies? Umm, look. I'm not a zookeeper. I'm certainly not a bearkeeper. But if you've got a couple of bears in a zoo, shouldn't you already know whether or not they have rabies? I'm not so certain that the "Rabid Bear Display" would go over all that well with animal activists and with most humans when you put it that way! 
Apparently "State law requires wild animals to be euthanized if they bite someone unless the victim agrees to the vaccinations." Ohhhh. OK. So it's just a matter of a ridiculously stupid law. If the "victim" agrees to be vaccinated against something that the animal probably doesn't have, then the animal gets to live. BUT, if the "victim" doesn't want to go through the rabies shots, then the animal, who was only acting like an animal, gets put down. That's a fine, fine law you've got going for yourself there, Wisconsin. A fine, fine, bass-ackwards law there. What is wrong with people? 
before. But fortunately, the fine people at htrnews.com gave us the low down. "...if the animals were put down they (the "victims") would have had to pay for euthanizing the bears and sending their heads to the state laboratory for testing as well as for replacing the bears." Huh. 
Why the heads? It's just the heads. Who does that testing? The bear head testing for rabies? I'm guessing you need a degree or a certificate or something. And I can't even begin to imagine what the bear replacement costs would be. You'd have to go through all of the trouble of looking at potential replacement bears, maybe hiring a replacement bear locator service, etc. There's so many factors to consider. I'm guessing that just having rabies vaccinations is a much cheaper way to go as opposed to lopping off the bear's heads, having them tested and then replacing them. Much, much cheaper. 
start to change the attitude of how these stories are looked upon when a wild animal in captivity acts like a wild animal in captivity and attacks someone? Can't we start to look at these things as being the fault of the humans involved and not the fault of the animals involved? If you're dumb enough to go past a sign that says "Don't go past this sign or you're going to get your fingers eaten off by that there bear" (or something to that effect), can't we repeatedly make it about that instead of about the bears? Please? It's no fun to be stupid, kids. It makes life hard. And your life is going to get a lot harder if you're stupid AND you're missing a bunch of fingers (especially a thumb). Much, much harder.
One of my biggest pet peeves? That's right. Animals dressed as humans. See, animals don't need clothes. They're animals. They have fur. Again, they don't need clothes. Another one of my pet peeves is right along that same line and that would be animals being taught to do things that they're not supposed to do. You know, like in those Russian circuses where they routinely have bears riding bicycles or playing ice hockey. Or even in American circuses where they have elephants walking a tightrope or seals setting zebras on fire or something like that. (I haven't been to a circus in a while, so they might not still be like that. Some things may have changed.) But it's when the animal finally, finally gets sick of being forced to skate around on ice and (assumedly) feeling like an idiot and they attack the moronic human beings who were making them do these obviously unnatural animals acts, for some reason, people are surprised. They're either surprised or the whole story is deemed incredibly newsworthy but in an odd sort of way. When these sort of animals attack, it's always reported in that serious tone of voice as if something horrible has happened. I'm not so sure that it has. And I certainly don't understand why there isn't more of a "of course this happened" tone to the reporting of such incidents. 
Wung "...taught the monkeys (taekwando) so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping centre" in China. Um, so they could entertain crowds doing what exactly? Wouldn't they need someone to do the taekwando ON? 
strength of at least ten men, probably more like twenty. A thirty pound primate can kick the ass of a 200-pound man ten times out of ten on any given day. Any zoologist (or Planet of the Apes fan) will tell you that. And you're going to teach those sort of creatures how to do martial arts? What is wrong with you, sir? 
Now, I don't know exactly what sort of methods are used by an amateur Chinese taekwondo monkey trainer, but I'm guessing it doesn't involve lots of pats on the head and little treats. It's just a guess. By the way, if you're still not sure how this story is going to turn out, what if I told you that the trainer tripped and fell amidst his monkeys that he had trained how to do karate? Then would you be a little more clear on which direction this thing was headed?
tangle the primates up in a rope that he had been using to keep them from running off. Huh. If I had to choose between my monkey using martial arts on me and pummeling me into a bloody pulp (in public none the less) or having them run off, I'm thinking I'd be for choosing the running off. But not this guy. He got those monkeys all roped up and under control and when he did "...he made the monkeys kneel on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs to punish them and make them show remorse for their nasty attack." Yeah, that'll make it so this doesn't happen again. Sure. 
They're animals, for cryin' out loud! They have their own methods and techniques of protecting themselves. They don't need to be spinning around in the air like that Bruce Lee guy. Bruce Lee wasn't a monkey! I swear he wasn't! I've heard that Kung Fu Fighting song many times in my life and it doesn't mention anything about monkeys! So why would you train monkeys (monkeys who are already stronger than you without the martial arts, by the way) to do taekwondo? I don't get it. 
them how to drive a car! Or to really kick things up a notch, how about a bus?! Maybe teach them how to drive a tractor and have them work a farm! Wait! I've got it! Firearms! Teach the monkeys how to use a gun! That will end well, won't it? Um, no. No, it won't. It will end poorly....why? Because they're MONKEYS. They don't get to be like humans, they get to be like monkeys. No karate. No tractors. No guns. For the love of God, no guns. 
See, this is where I was surprised to learn that a) there was more to this story and b) that it was being considered "a story". I don't know how much of a story it is that a bear gets pissed off because someone has the audacity to put ice skates on it, give it a Dorothy Hamill haircut (I'm assuming, of course) and force it to skate around to entertain the masses. But let's look into it and see what the media left out, shall we? 
According to the BBC, "Bears on ice are common in Russian circuses. Some are equipped with helmets and sticks and trained to play hockey." Translation: This will happen again. It's just a matter of whether it will be in a circus or on an ice hockey rink. 
Trained to play hockey?! Good Lord, man! What is wrong with you people?! What part of BEAR don't you understand?! Sure, sure, a bear playing hockey is cute; novel even. But that's why there are CARTOONS. We should be drawing cartoons with bears playing hockey instead of actually getting a freaking bear and making it play hockey! 
a league, could it? You can't just have various Russian hockey teams decide that they're going to add a BEAR to their lineup one night, can you? I don't think that sounds wise at all. Again, it sounds wacky and highly entertaining, but what say some Russian fellow churn out a graphic novel of sorts and we go about being amused by the denizens of the forest in civilized situations that way, eh? 
They feel the need to make it clear that the bear was actually wearing the ice skates at the time. It's as if they want to make sure that we know that the bear might not have just been lounging about on some sort of break or had refused to skate that day or something. No, the bear was officially wearing the skates. See, to me that only illustrates further why this happened. It's a BEAR. Bears don't wear skates. I swear! Look it up! You'll see. Lots of bears, but no....? Skates, that is correct.
Here's the part that always bothers me: "(Unpronounceable) police shot and killed the bear when they arrived on the scene." See, why did the bear have to be killed? The bear was only being a bear! That's what bears do! They maul people that make them wear ice skates and twirl about. It's right there in the name --- BEAR!!
And here is what all of these sorts of incidents always have in common. That would be the cluelessness of either the bloke writing up the account of the mauling or those investigating the mauling and telling the writing bloke of their findings. We always read: "It is not clear what caused the attack." Um, I think it's crystal clear. You've got a bear, n
ormally a denizen of the forest, being held captive by circus folk. The circus folk have somehow (through methods I'd prefer not to ponder and really don't want to know about, but a friend of mine says are really mean) managed to get the bear to comply to the point where the bear will ice skate and/or ride a bike, drive a little car, do a little dance, and probably make a little love and basically get down tonight. A bear, despite what we've all been led to believe, mainly by those Paddington folks who make 'em seem just cute as can be in a little coat and little hat, are mean creatures which will rip you limb from limb and then eat you from the inside out. They're mean effers.
Look, I am all for stepping up and admitting that you are wrong. I'm even more in favor of taking that sort of responsibility when you were vehemently asserting that you were right; that, of course, before finding out that you were indeed wrong. But here's an aspect of all of this to consider. When asserting your correctness, try to do so without getting all assault-y and psychotic on the other person. Oh, and if you do lose your head and, oh, I don't know, say...punch the other person in the face and hold a pair of scissors to their throat until they give you twenty bucks, but then you find out that you were wrong, what say you just send them their twenty bucks back along with an apology card or something. Don't go back to where you acted like a maniac so that you can apologize in person. I mean, it's very commendable, don't get me wrong, but it's also a very good way to get yourself arrested.
Here's the scoop according to DelmarvaNow.com: A woman goes to get some gasoline at a Country Farms convenience store in Delaware and gives the clerk a $20. Well, she thought it was a $20. The clerk said it was a $1. She told him it was a $20. He told her it was a $1.
Twenty!
One!
Twenty!
One!
Rabbit season!
Duck season!
Rabbit season!
Duck season!
It's unclear as to how long that little exchange (minus the talk about the ducks and rabbits) went on before the woman decided that there was no way that she was going to let this lying, scheming, scamming, convenience store clerk bilk her out of her hard acquired $20. So that's when she did the most reasonable thing in a situation like that. That's right; she started pummeling him with her fists. Meet Vicki Gambrell. Behold!
whoever was working that day. Actually, it was a guy named Manoj Moda who took the brunt of Vicki's wrath. He kept telling her that she had only given him a dollar and she kept telling him that she had given him twenty dollars. Obviously her method of trying to convince Manoj that she had given him a $20 were ineffective, as he still wasn't agreeing with her despite all of the pounding and beating he was enduring. So she decided to try a different tactic. And when she spied a pair of scissors sitting there behind the counter, she knew just what that tactic would be! 
Vicki then grabs the scissors and holds them up to Manoj's throat. Of course. (That's what I would have thought a reasonable person would have done next...reached for the pointy instruments of doom.) It was at that point that Manoj realized that talking with Vicki was doing no good what so ever and that it would probably be best if he just gave her the twenty bucks. Even though he knew that she had only given him a dollar, I'm guessing he figured that twenty bucks was a pretty cheap price to pay for not having your throat ripped open by a crazy woman wielding scissors. Extremely cheap. 
she looked in her purse and Whoopsie!! Wouldn't you know it?! Manoj was right! She did give him a one because there was the twenty in her purse! Silly, silly! Ha! Hoo-boy! That's gotta be embarrassing! All of the fighting and the threatening to cut someone's throat because you thought they stole from you and they didn't and now you know that they were telling the truth? Wow. That's going to be quite the story you'll have to tell one day, that's for sure. And Vicki decided to start by telling that story to Manoj when she returned to give him back the twenty that he had given her when he was fearing for his life. Wait. What? 
Correct. She went back to the store to tell him she was sorry. Now, like I started off with, I find that very commendable, but did she not have any idea that doing so might get her arrested? Either that never entered her mind or she didn't care because she did go back and she did get arrested. Shocking, I know. When arrested, she "was charged with offensive touching and aggravated menacing." Wait. What now?
h their fists is definitely some touching that I would find to be offensive! What in the hell ever happened to just plain ol' "assault" over there in Delaware, anyways? Offensive touching? And what was the other one? Aggravated menacing?! Is there a type of menacing that is not aggravated that you can be charged criminally with in Delaware? Like passive menacing or something? Granted, I do find someone holding scissors up to my throat very menacing indeed, but I was just wondering if they differentiated between aggravated and non-aggravated menacing considering it sounds like such a moronic charge to begin with. 
Manoj get pummeled for yourself. The weird thing for me though? After I watched it, Vicki seemed like she was really sorry that she completely lost her mind there. She said, "I’m sorry it was just a bad mistake I have a clean record and never been in trouble in my life and it was just a bad mistake. I just lost my cool because here I don’t have any money. I am very embarrassed. I am so embarrassed." I have no idea if she's telling the truth about the "clean record" or not, but I do know that people that really know that they screwed up do tend to be embarrassed about it. People who are just feeding you a line of crap to get out of what they've done? Those folks never say that they're embarrassed. And she did inexplicably go back there to return the twenty bucks in person. So maybe she did just snap for a moment there. We'll see how it turns out in court for her when she goes. But I think it's safe to say that in this instance she MAY have overreacted.
