I don't have any children of my own that I know of. And I'm a chick, so I think it's pretty much a given that there aren't any. But if I were to even remotely ponder birthing another human being (in a process that seems to be akin to shoving a pot roast out of one's nostril), it would be for utilitarian purposes. You know, a little extra manual labor around my walled off compound. Someone to load the catapults, keep the alligators fed, oil the drawbridge pulleys, maintain an appropriate amount of water in the moat. Stuff like that. Those gators aren't going to feed themselves. Wait. Yeah, they are. Scratch that. But the other stuff? That's what you have kids for.
It's either for manual labor or for teaching them awesome things to do when they're super little. Take the little guy in the video below. His parents are clearly Star Wars nerds. And they also seem to have a pretty strong grasp on the noises that various animals make. The doggie. The kitty. The monkey. Admiral Ackbar. Wait. Admiral Ackbar? Correct. I said that they were Star wars nerds. And if you're going to like Star Wars and you're going to have kids, you had better teach your kids who says what. And Admiral Ackbar realizes that it's a trap. And these two did one heck of a job with their...son? Son. They did one heck of a job with their son. Behold!
I believe the day has finally come that everyone else is as sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston as I am. And not a moment too soon, either. How do I know this? I have a most awesome example/source to share with you.
Apparently, Jen Aniston is the pitchwoman or spokeshole for something called SmartWater. Now, while I find the concept of bottled water anything but smart (how much of it really comes from the special glaciers that the company claims and how much of it comes from the tap?), I find the SmartWater people to be rather smart in that they're making their fortune off of the simpletons that buy their products. These are the same folks who make VitaminWater. VitaminWater, as you may or may not be aware, has a name that makes it sound like a good thing, but in reality, it's pretty much crap. It won't make you healthier. It will only lighten the load in your wallet. Eventually though, you might end up feeling stupider, but that's not a guarantee. Plenty of people still buy this crap, so who knows when, if ever, that side effect will occur.
But I digress. Where was I? Oh, right. The SmartWater spokeshole, Jen Aniston. She has made a marketing video (otherwise known as an advertisement) for these SmartWater charlatans and the goal is for the video to go viral. At one point in the video, she kicks a poor, unsuspecting dude right in the nuts because, as she explains to the writhing sap, "...apparently that's worth about 100,000 hits." Poor guy. At the rate that her "viral video" is "taking off" his scrotum is going to be in shreds before it gets anywhere close to 100,000 hits.
Now, I first read about this stunt early yesterday. When I went to check how many hits it had on YouTube, it was up to a whopping (brace yourself) 304. Not 304,000. 304. And as I write this, it is about 9:30pm yesterday. Upon my re-checking of the video, it has now garnered a whopping 1,014 views. Not 1,014,000 views. 1,014. It even has more dislikes(1,365) than it has views. I don't know how that works, exactly, but I think it says something.
And the something it says it that we don't care about Jennifer Aniston anymore. Yes, she's hot. But that's all she has going for her. Have you ever heard her interviews? It's like listening to a pair of teats nailed to a wooden board. Sure, they're nice to look at and all, but there's no substance. There's nothing there. And after a while, even the looking good gets old. Sure, we loved her as Rachel, but that's because she had a great supporting cast on Friends. If it was just The Rachel Show, it would have been off the air quicker than Joey was. Her movies have never been any good and I think that she should just stop trying so hard and go away for a while. That video, is never going viral. If 2,000 people ever see it, I'll be shocked. Just go away, Jen. You're beautiful and you used to be funny, but please just go away. Clearly, by the lack of hits to your "viral" video, most folks would appreciate it. Please go. Now.
Texting while driving? Bad. Texting while walking? Hilarious...if you're in a mall and you end up doing a header into the mall fountain! For now, just enjoy the gloriousness that is this dingbat tripping and falling into a fountain because she wasn't watching where she was going. Yes, I've heard that she is thinking about suing the mall because of this. I've also heard that she has a rather colorful history with the law and seems to be an overall despicable individual. (I also heard her giving an interview to some organization in which she says that she called her husband after she did her swan dive to tell him what happened. That's fine. What isn't so fine is that she explains that she refers to her husband as "Daddy". Yeah, I'm done here.)
Side note: Blogger was being all weird when I was trying to post this, so if the video doesn't work, try accessing it over at YouTube.
This is clearly the worst cover "band" on the planet. And if any of their other songs that they "play" are anything like this one, they're moving closer toward the worst band on the planet, period. I realize that I'm using the term "band" loosely, as they're absolutely horrible. Towards the end, the look on the singer's face makes me realize that even he knows they couldn't place last at a 4th grade talent show.
If the video below doesn't play, you can try clicking here to watch it over at YouTube.
The other day, I brought you the tale of a one self-indulgent (and highly annoying) 11-year old, Jessi Slaughter, who learned the hard way that the Innerwebs will ruin your life (and take great joy and pleasure in doing so) should you step so far out of line that it will practically take a cannon to shoot you back down to earth in an ever so humbling and extremely unpleasant manner. That experience resulted in Jessi posting another video of herself online, only that time, it wasn't so fun for her. No, she was sobbing and upset and her lunatic father was screaming some nonsense in the background. It made me happy. Sad for humanity, of course, but overall, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Little did I realize that there was more! More golden video from this incredibly inept and dysfunctional family unit.
Now, considering that the way that little Jessi got herself into trouble and wrought the havoc of the Internets (aka 4chan.org) was by posting videos of herself online, I'm more than a little surprised that she was allowed (and seemingly encouraged) by her parents to continue to do so. Then again, their parenting skills seem to have an awful lot to be desired, so I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. But I am. In a sad, sad way. I'm also glad. In a glad, glad way. Here is the latest nugget from this completely clueless girl and her completely clueless parents. The transcript (with commentary, naturally) is below.
Jessi: OK, this is Jessi Slaughter. I just wanted to tell you guys that you've ruined my life. My household has been torn. (something inaudible due to all of the weeping and the giant snot bubble stuck in her throat) Ever since you guys have been doing this. I haven't been able to do anything. (Good!)
Dad: And don't be saying suicide!
Jessi: I'm not! I'm saying I haven't been able to eat! I haven't been able to sleep!
Dad: And guess what? My daughter's not lyin'. And I'm not going to put up with any of you people's crap any more! If you ain't got somethin' nice to say about my daughter, then keep your mouth shut and any more of your comments are put on there I'm recording them all and they are being sent to...the..po-lice...department
Jessi (nodding in agreement with her clueless father): They have been being screen capped! (Yeah, no one cares about that.)
Dad: And your emails will be caught and will be found (it sounds like he says 'bound', but that doesn't make any sense. Not that the rest of what he says does make sense, I'm just sayin'.) You've said you're going to beat my daughter up? YOU will have to deal with the police. 'Cause you dun goofed. (It is here that she does a really odd thing. She puts her finger up to her lips as if to "shush" her dad. Um, we can see you. What is that all about? I'm open for suggestions.) Now, mind you, when the clueless Dad is talking to the Innerwebs, the webcam on her computer (judging from the angle, I'd guess it's a laptop) isn't pointing at him. It's not even really pointing at a decent angle for her. The point here is that you only see dad from mid-torso down. It's half of a blue shirt and a pair of dark green khaki shorts which sport legs wearing shoes and socks. And it's yelling. It's a lovely look for those who have been recently mentally tortured by the Innerwebs. And seriously, if you're using a phrase like "you dun goofed" whilst your attempting to defend your 11-year old daughter's absolutely inexcusable behavior, are you not just asking to have yourself turned into a meme right before our eyes? I'm pretty sure that you are.
Jessi: See? I haven't been able to eat or sleep...or...anything ever since this happened, I've been having emotional breakdowns in a row. (whimper, whimper)...hating on me....You know, whoever is making fun of me...(high pitched whine that caused three dogs to show up at my front door)...you're such a**holes. I didn't do anything wrong. I am just a fricking little girl and I know my shirt is going down! I know that! OK?! Don't call me a f**king whore for that, OK? I didn't mean...(high pitched whine again...three more dogs)...it's hard. And if you think I don't know Dahvie, I fricking DO know him. My mom has answered the phone. For him. OK? And he's been calling. And once he called when I was in school and my mom answered the f**king phone! (Very high pitched squeaking) Why are you being such a**holes??
Mom: Jessica! It's time to calm down. (She could have said "It's time to come down." No one in this family enunciates worth a damn.) It's time to come down.
Jessi: So, I....stop making fun of me! Stop it. Please.
Mom: Turn the camera off.
OK, I'm taking a whole slew of stuff from that little interchange (not the least of which is great enjoyment). There's a whole lot to like there. First of all, why is she still making videos? I'm kind of thinking that if my kid had wreaked that kind of havoc upon my home/trailer life, allowing her to go online and post MORE videos of herself would be the LAST thing I would do. (And her mom saying "Turn the camera off" is a phrase that should have been uttered quite some time ago. It also should have been followed by "Now hand over your computer.")
As far as some of Jessi's questions and requests, allow me to address them. "Why are you being such a**holes?" Um, did you see your other video? That's why. "Don't call me a f**king whore for that, OK?" Um, no. How about you wear a shirt that's a little more appropriate for an 11-year old? "Stop making fun of me." Stop making videos that induce all of the fun making.
But wait! There's more! The website momlogic managed to get an interview with Jessi's mother, Dianne. Will it surprise you to learn that she defended her daughter? Of course it won't. Will it possibly anger you? Of course it will. First of all, when asked if she knew that her daughter was posting these videos online, Dianne responded, "Jessica has a webcam and a computer. All of her friends have webcams, too, so they video chat with each other. I knew she'd made a video to apply for "America's Got Talent." She sings and sent an audition video in. I had no idea she was making other videos. I have seen her chatting with her friends, but not making videos." Wow. Could she be more clueless? Yeah, see, when I was a kid and I did things that I didn't want my parents to know about, I did it when they weren't around. That might have something to do with why you didn't see her making videos. (Does this woman need to have everything spelled out for her?)
The answer is "Yes!" When asked when it was that she found out about the videos and what her reaction was, she explained, "The (police) officers had said there were videos, but Jess denied making them. Then my mother-in-law called and said there were videos. But I haven't watched them. I can't be in the room 24/7. We tried to talk to Jess last night, but she got very upset all over again. I am trying to get her back to normal. It's taken a very emotional toll on her. I don't know if she made these videos or not, but she says she didn't. Right now, I am trying to figure out what's real and what's not. This has been very difficult to deal with." Oh, for cryin' out loud. What?!
So, police officers have said that there are videos. Your mother-in-law said that there were videos. You haven't watched the alleged videos. But your daughter continues to deny making them. Your life, however, is in turmoil. And you're still believing her? You won't take a few minutes to watch the videos that she allegedly made? Why in the world would you not? Wow. You should not be a parent. I don't usually pass judgment that blatantly around here (I prefer to be a little more subtle and a lot more funny), but come on, lady. Good Lord...
The rest of the article is simply unbelievable. I highly recommend that you read it. I love it when people who are as clueless as her mother is just speak freely as if they think that everyone in the world will agree with their point of view. Yeah, not so much. This woman has no intention of changing her child's behavior. How do I come to that conclusion? Probably from her answer to the question "What message do you have for other moms?" That answer was as follows: "Communicate with your child, try and watch them and try and believe what your child is saying to you. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, because nobody else will. And talk to your child about cyberbullying and about how bad it's going to hurt another person. They don't know or understand the dwindling-down effect of what they've created." Wait. What now?
Believe what your child is saying to you?! Lady, you dumbass, your kid is lying to you! She DID make those videos! And you're believing that she didn't because she says she didn't? Wow. And give your kid the benefit of the doubt? That's the last thing you should do! By the way, please DO take your own advice and DO talk to your child about cyberbullying. Granted, I don't know if I'd call what she did cyberbullying, but telling people that she's going to pop a glock in their mouth and make a brain slushie is going to really anger the Innerwebs. And as far as the effect of what they've created, do you realize that the only one to blame for what has been created is your daughter? She's the only one. This is her doing. I understand that Jessi was placed in protective custody for the weekend. It's unfortunate that she couldn't have stayed there.
Read the interview over at momlogic (it's linked above). It's seriously unbelievable. I wish that I could live in that perpetual state of denial. Holy crap. And I'm going to just guess that a lot of the havoc that has poured down upon the life of Jessi and her parents isn't going to stop any time soon. I can't imagine that it will stop without her mother having at least watched the videos that she had made. Tell you what, Jessi's clueless mother...how about you watch the videos that your daughter made and that over a million other people have watched and then the Internet might consider backing off. In the meantime, enjoy those thousands of pizzas that I understand were ordered to be delivered to your home. Oh, and the hookers that were ordered up as well. Can't have a really good pizza party without some hookers!
You know what I'm a big fan of? People getting their come-uppance, that is correct. People being put in their place and learning that the universe does not revolve around them is a close second. Both of those two occurring at the same time? Priceless.
The Internets, while fun places for social networking, taking in media and information, as well as being a vast warehouse for oodles and oodles of porn, can be ugly places sometimes. And if you're a stuck up, smack talking, seriously delusional 11-year old, you're going to learn the ugly sides of the Interwebs in ways that you did not know were possible. And it will be pretty entertaining, I'll tell you what.
Take, for example, the case of a one Jessi Slaughter (not her real name, but catchy, no?). Jessi is 11. Jessi, for some reason, likes to post videos of herself on YouTube while she's talking smack and acting as if she's all that. (She's 11. How "that" could she even be?) Judging from these videos, this kid is in need of some serious parenting. That would include them monitoring what in the world she is doing on the computer. Just for starters. See, she posts videos like the one below of herself. Now, listen, I will acknowledge that it's hard to watch. I want to punch people like her. (Oh, yeah. I forgot. She's only 11. OK. Let me rephrase that. I want to bend down and punch people like her. Better?) So I'm going to provide you with a little transcript of her rantings. Granted, it's not as hard to take when you aren't listening to her squeaking, self-important voice droning on, but it's still annoying as can be. And look, I know it's kind of long. But it's fairly necessary to really understand what we're dealing with. Here we go...
"This is Jessi Slaughter here and this is to all of you f**king haters. OK. Guess what? You guys are bitches. You know what? You don't phase me. (That statement will prove to be sorely untrue later on.) I'm just doin' this just so you can...tell. I read the comments. I read the messages. (something inaudible) But you know what? I don't give a f**k. I'm happy with my life, OK? If you can't, like, realize that and stop hating, then you know what? I'll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushie. OK? 'Cause you hater bitches? You're just like, jealous of me. I'm just saying. You're jealous of me because ONE. I'm more pretty than you. I have more friends. More people like me. I have more fans. And...um...yeah. And all that sh*t. I can't think of any more right now because I'm brain dead and it's like, 10:19 in the morning and I just woke up like...midnight? OK, but it's like early in the morning, so I'm like brain dead right now. So I can't think of anything. But, haters...stop hatin' on me. You're just jealous 'cause I'm perfect and you're not. Nobody else can be this pretty with no makeup on. None what so ever. Oh, and by the way, I did get my lip pierced. Here's the hole. My mom made me take it out because I'm getting new ones which are going to be closer in. But, um, just sayin' stuff. Stop hatin' on me. I'm just a normal girl who is perfect in every way and you're just jealous. Why am I making all these gestures? I'm just weird. I know that. But, you guys are just jealous because I have a perfect boyfriend. I do. And you guys are just jealous because I have three. (Insert weird deformed hand gesture here.) So, yeah. Jealousy much? So...um, I'd just shut your mouths before you make a fool of yourselves again. So, yeah. Oh! And you guys? And my fans? Please hate on the haters. But, um, and I'm not nine. I'm eleven. And I don't consider myself 'scene' or 'emo'. That's just something I put on my videos and I just say I'm that so that people can be like all...'Cause if I say what I am, people will be like...'cause I'm not 'scene'. I'm not 'emo'. I'm nothing! I don't even choose labels. I don't. I do not. And if you guys like consider and, um, begin like label me and sh*t, then you guys are the actual posers. I'm not a poser. How can I be a poser being myself? So, yeah. And don't try and make smart comments at me because I've got like a sh*tload of comeback. (You'll see her 'comeback' later. It's not pretty.) So, and if you hate me, you know what? Suck my non-existing penis, OK? Just suck it. Get AIDS and die. You know what? Fist yourself to your little bestiality magazines, get a paper cut on your f**king little c**t or d**k and hope the bitch falls off. OK?Get AIDS and die. Suck a dick and die. Anyway, Stickydrama sh*t. I will put some sh*t in the crotch bar. So, um, a link to the sh*t that's been happening on Stickydrama lately involving me and my homie, Daddy. He's not here, but I'm pointing for some reason. What the f**k? But, um, some bullsh*t that's been going on between us, but we got it all settled. My mom been talkin' to him. Thank God for my mom. Yeah, but, um, I'm gettin' my coon tails. F**k yeah. Coon tails. Um, why am I making these stupid things? I'm gettin' coon tails and I'm gonna get my snakies and...what else is going on in my life? But, um, I'm going to wrap up this video before it starts like...um....goin' wrong. But haters? F**k you. It's a big f**k you to all those haters. K? Love ya all. (Weirdly blows a weird kiss to the webcam.) Bye. Check out my Stickydrama. (Points down. Ewww.)
See what I mean? Hard. To. Take. (By the way, what in the hell are coon tails? Like Davy Crockett?) And everyone hates that kind of person. I think that we hate that kind of kid even more, but people don't want to admit it because it's a kid. I'm not sure what difference that makes. A douchebag is a douchebag. There's no age limit. At least, I'm not imposing one. And I am not the only one who feels that way. I'm certainly not the only one who felt that way.
On the Internet, there are some sites where people will band together for a cause, any cause, and do the cause proud. That's not to say that the cause is anything to be proud of, but sometimes, it most certainly is. In the case of this chick, the folks over there at 4Chan.org's /b/ board, and Tumblr got the word out to hammer on this chick. Because she's 11 and apparently under zero parental supervision, it was likely that she had posted a bunch of her personal information on the Internets. According to the gawking folks over at
Gawker,"People started circulating Jessi's real name, phone number, address and links to all her social networking accounts." And if that wasn't enough, "...pranksters spammed her Facebook and MySpace accounts, had pizzas delivered to her house and were considering sending call girls off Craigslist to the address." Ooohhh. Ordering up hookers. Nice touch, 4chan. Nice touch, indeed! And what did all of that get us? That got us another video of hilarity, this time involving the likes of Jessi sobbing and blubbering because her life has been ruined AND the likes of her father screaming out absolutely hilarious sentences to the webcam. He's sporting the weird pedophile moustache and comes across as Billy Mays on cocaine (which is what killed him). That's right. He's screaming to the Internets. Quite amusing. Allow me to provide you with a transcript of that as well.
Jessi: "OK, you guys. This is Jessi Slaughter here and.." Dad: "You know what?! ..." Jessi: "...and I just wanted to say that you guys have ruined my life!" Dad: "I'm going to tell you right now..." Jessi: "This is from...my Dad..." Dad:"Her father! You bunch of lyin', no good punks! And I know who it's comin' from! Because I BACKTRACED it! And I know who's emailin' and who's doin' it! And you'll be reported to the cyber police! AND the state police! And they had better write one more thing (I think he means that they had better NOT write one more thing, but he's a crazed lunatic so it's understandable that he has no idea what he's saying.) or screw with my computer again, you'll be arrested! End of conversation! From HER FATHER! And if you come near my daughter, guess what?! Consequences will never be the same! (Uh, what does that even mean?) You lyin' bunch of pricks!" Jessi: "See? My house has been like this. Ever since people have been posting stuff about me....I can't live like this..." Mom: "I want to live in PEACE." Jessi: "I have toured(?). I am literally...I have been having emotional breakdowns one after the other. For the past like...three days." Mom: "You've been sick! You can't sleep! You can't eat! Because of them f**kers!" Jessi: "Yeesss! You guys! This is really tearing me apart right now. I've been crying my eyes out if you haven't noticed that. Just stop hating. Do you have to ruin my f**king life?"
Awesome. I must address the father's rant. First of all, I love how he makes it clear that he is her father. Can I assume that he thinks that this is a bunch of other eleven year olds that has made his life a living hell? (By the way, it would have been nicer if he had stepped up and acted like a father before his daughter told the Innerwebs to F-off. I'm just sayin'.) Second, he "backtraced it"? What does that even mean? He doesn't seem like he's bright enough to backtrace his steps out of a room, let alone someone's email. Third, who are the cyber police? Are they like the dream police? Do they live inside of my head? Do they come to me in my bed? What on earth is he talking about? And finally, what consequences will never be the same? How will they be different? And different than what? Consequences? That doesn't sound so bad, really.
What can we learn from all of this? Plenty. First of all, parents? Know what your kids are doing online. Does your 11-year old kid really need a computer in their room? I'm not so sure that they do. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they don't. Does this 11-year old kid need a computer in her room? Absolutely not. Kids and webcams seem to be a bad idea if you're asking me. Ever hear of parental control software? Try using it. But before you do that, how about you bone up on your parenting skills in general, OK? If you're raising a kid to have the sort of attitude that ol' Jessi has there, you're doing something wrong. And I certainly hope that Jessi can learn something from all of this. People don't like the kind of person that she appears to be. People don't like getting "called out" by a snotty 11-year old. Remember during her initial screed where she said "I've got a sh*tload of comeback"? THAT was her comeback? Sobbing uncontrollably because her life has been turned upside down by the Innerwebs? You're eleven, sweetie. Knock it off.
I know that some might think that this was a bit harsh. And while it was harsh, I'm not seeing much of a problem with it. The kid was totally out of line, not to mention annoying as hell. People like her make other people's lives miserable...and they enjoy it. Of course, they don't enjoy it quite so much once their own life has been made miserable. And with some people, they need something like this to knock them back into reality. Granted, this shouldn't be necessary because there should be things like responsible parents to keep the kid in line. No one wants a society with a bunch of little a-holes running around and shooting off their mouths. Look at it this way: Lesson learned. One down. Many more to go, but still, one down.
Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of the first video ever uploaded to YouTube. If you're expecting something monumental or visionary or anything other than boring as hell, you're going to be disappointed. The video consists merely of am 18-second clip of Jawed Karim, the co-founder of YouTube at...are you ready for it?....At...the San Diego zoo. That's right. The zoo. Not any sort of behind the scenes tour at the zoo (whatever that would even consist of) or anything like that. Nope. Just the zoo. The elephants to be exact.
OK, it's not JUST the elephants. Because that would be silly...or something. No, Jawed (is that like Jared with a lisp?) gives us commentary on the elephants. 18 seconds of pachyderm commentary. How exciting. And groundbreaking. But not much else. And actually, I was lying about the exciting part.
"All right. So, here we are, in front of the elephants. And the cool thing about these guys is that they have really, really, really long, uh...trunks. And that's...that's cool. And that's pretty much all there is to say."
That's pretty much all there is to say? That's a little bit more than I would have expected there would have been to say. They're freaking elephants. What did you expect there to be to say about them? Big ears. Long trunks. Impressive tusks. Back to you.
Well, I think I lost a little bit of my soul today. Granted, I'm practically soulless as it is, but that's when you really notice that a little bit more of it has gone missing all of a sudden. Actually, this wasn't all of a sudden. No, there was a reason for this particular loss of soul. And it involved seventeen seconds and a little cat.
That's right. A little cat. A really cute, really little cat. (A little cat is also known as a kitten, by the way.) See, these folks posted this video on YouTube. It's titled, very simply "Surprised Kitten". And that's just what the video shows. It shows someone tickling the tiniest little kitten that you've ever seen. And when the person stop the tickling, the kitten throws all of it's paws back and it looks really, really surprised. It's quite adorable, I will admit. Behold! The cutest little cat that you'll see all day!
Aww. Wasn't that adorable? Of course it was! How many times did you watch it? Don't lie! I know it wasn't just once. I watched it three times before becoming despondent (more on that in a moment). The little tickling noise that the person (it sounds like it's a guy, but I'm not totally sure, but if it's a chick, I don't want to offend her by thinking that it's a guy because of those man hands in the video, so that's why I'm going with "person") is making is a bit annoying, but the cuteness of the kitten really cancels that out.
Here's the thing: I only clicked on this video because of two reasons. One, it was short. I have the attention span of a gnat and so something that was seventeen seconds long sounded right up my alley. But the real reason I clicked on it was the number of views that it had. At the writing of this post, that video, which was uploaded on October 13, 2009 (soooo....70 days ago) has been viewed a total of 13,005,536 times. Yes, that's million. Thirteen million times. Granted, that's not as many as Jill and Kevin's Wedding Entrance Dance which is currently clocking in at somewhere around 35 million (Good Lord..), but this cat didn't dance. All this cat did was look surprised. I think that had a lot to do with it. That dancing stuff, well, people like it.
But back to the loss of my soul. For some reason (and I do this on occasion) my mind snapped into math mode and I began calculating the time that has been spent watching that video of the little cat. I am well aware that time is relative and that there is no way that this figure that I came up with is indicative of the actual figure that it is. I get that. I'm not one of those people who takes statistics or figures and maniuplates what they are in order to meet their own needs or back up their own theories. Trust me when I say that is that last thing that I want to do. I think the majority of people are morons and that frightens me. Lord knows I really don't want that to be backed up by anything, got it? All right then.
13,005,536 views at 17 seconds per view comes out to 221,094,112 seconds. 221...million? Seconds? That comes out to be 3,684,902 minutes. (I rounded up from 3,684,901.86.) Now, I was a little hopeful at this point because 3.6 million minutes didn't sound as bad as 221 million seconds. Yes, I know that it's the same, but it just sounds better. Too bad it just all went downhill from there, though.
3,684,902 minutes is roughly 61,415 hours. Huh. That sounds like an awful lot of hours, doesn't it? Yep. That's because it is an awful lot of hours. It's also a lot of days, coming in at a total of 2559. Again, I rounded up from 2558.958, so don't send me emails telling me that I'm wrong. I'm not, but if you were thinking that I was, you're an ass.) And here's where it is truly frightening. 2559 days is 7.01 years. Watching. A. Cat.
Is this really what we should be doing with our time? I don't know, but it's not like we're going to stop any time soon. The thing is, that's just time that was spent watching that damn cat. Jill and Kevin's Wedding Entrance Dance was 5 minutes and 9 seconds long. Let's just round that down to five minutes for the sake of humanity, shall we? At 35 million views, that equates to 175,000,000 (that's million) minutes. 2,916,667 hours. 121,528 days. 332 years. Years. Three...how many? Three hundred and thirty two years worth of time spent watching Jill and Kevin and their friends boogie down the aisle toward wedded bliss to the song of a guy who beats up women. (That's not their fault, by the way, and they've raised a boatload of money for a charity that aims to prevent violence against women, so back off!)
I'm pretty sure that we should be doing something else, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what in the heck that should be. Oh, sure, curing cancer, healing the blind, those things come to mind, but there's only one problem with that. I don't know how to do those things! And I'm never going to know how to do those things. It's a little depressing, I realize that, but it's the truth. If you have cancer, don't turn to me for help because that would be a BIG mistake. I mean, if you want someone to hold your hand and tell you knock-knock jokes while you're having chemo, I'm your gal! Other than that, I'd look elsewhere.
But I'm more OK spending hundreds of years watching two people who are obviously in love and who are obviously having a great time on their wedding day than I am with spending seven years watching that little cat. Thus, the removal of part of my soul. ::: sigh ::: But dang it, that cat's cute. Let's watch it again!
I don't have any children of my own that I know of. And I'm a chick, so I think it's pretty much a given that there aren't any. But if I were to even remotely ponder birthing another human being (in a process that seems to be akin to shoving a pot roast out of one's nostril), it would be for utilitarian purposes. You know, a little extra manual labor around my walled off compound. Someone to load the catapults, keep the alligators fed, oil the drawbridge pulleys, maintain an appropriate amount of water in the moat. Stuff like that. Those gators aren't going to feed themselves. Wait. Yeah, they are. Scratch that. But the other stuff? That's what you have kids for. 
watch it? Don't lie! I know it wasn't just once. I watched it three times before becoming despondent (more on that in a moment). The little tickling noise that the person (it sounds like it's a guy, but I'm not totally sure, but if it's a chick, I don't want to offend her by thinking that it's a guy because of those man hands in the video, so that's why I'm going with "person") is making is a bit annoying, but the cuteness of the kitten really cancels that out. 
