Please Win

The 49ers play today. The last time that the 49ers were in the NFC Championship game, it was 1994. So while I have technically been waiting for this game for the past week, theoretically, I have been waiting for this game for the past eighteen years. And I don't want to do anything to jinx it. I'm just going to have happy thoughts. And what better way to induce happy thoughts than a golden retriever who likes guitar music. Behold! (And please win.)

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Stupid Sparkles

A lot of people who follow sports have certain superstitions. And they're pretty serious about them. They believe that doing just one thing wrong could jinx your team and they'd lose. That's the case with the lovely young lady in the video below. She appears to be distraught that her beloved Green Bay Packers lost their game last week. And she blames Megan. And the sparkles. That's right. The sparkles. Enjoy.

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This Is Not A Good Idea

Those beauty pageants for small children? Yeah, the ones where there are little girls dressed up like pole dancers and/or whores. What's that? Oh. Right. They're not not pole dancers and/or whores. They're future pole dancers and/or whores. My mistake. But from what I can figure out, the only people who actually think that this is an OK thing to put your daughter through are the pageant moms. They seem to think it's just fine while the majority of the rest of the world finds it all completely abhorrent. I don't quite get that. I mean, if everyone hates it, why does it still exist? (While the rational answer might appear to be that everyone doesn't hate it, I refuse to accept that reason. The thought that people are OK with this depresses me.) I guess I digress. If you're still undecided on the matter, check out the little video below. This is what can happen when you put your kid in pageants. Why do I have a horrible feeling that this kid is going to have her own reality show someday?

Alana, Age 6, Best Beauty Pageant Kid, Ever - Watch More Funny Videos

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That's A Lot Of Mitt

If Newt Gingrich was just a little more sarcastic and a little more childish with some of his statements and retorts, he could put his campaign headquarters in a playground somewhere. The man is one step away from going down to a "I know you are but what am I?" level. And in case you haven't noticed, Newt is not a big fan of Mitt Romney. Newt would seem to see Mitt in the same light that I do, that of a phony tool. But since Newt is the one trying to run for President, he put a little more effort into pointing out Mitt's toolishness by making a video of some of his more memorable statements. And don't get me wrong. I don't think that either one of these numbskulls should be President. But that doesn't mean that the video isn't amusing. Behold! (And if it doesn't load, please click here.)

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You'll Be Fine

Sadly, I have the feeling that I'm going to be citing this video an awful lot throughout this year. Weep and behold!

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Roll The Clip

Remember the two idiots from yesterday? The one who had cocaine up his butt and the other one who ate it out of his butt and died? Yeah. Those idiots. Well, I found video of them when they were in the back of the police car! It appears to be before the ingenious cocaine-in-ass-eating plan was hatched. And the moron who was carrying the coke up his butt is just a wuss. His voice is all high pitched like a little girl's. (And that's offensive to little girls because I have the feeling that they would have been able to man up more than that dude did.) It's kind of hard to hear exactly what they're saying. I think his grill gets in the way of proper enunciation or something. Also, I'm pretty sure that he starts to cry at one point. Now, if you're hoping to actually see the one guy turn the other guy's backside into a drug laden buffet, you're going to be sorely disappointed. And I can pretty much guarantee that you're not going to be overly surprised, either. Now, if it had shown the actual part where the actual cocaine ingestion takes place, then you would have been surprised. But this is just stupid in action. Enjoy! (If the link doesn't work, click here.)

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Why Are They Crying?

So, Kim Jong Il died. And while it might seem as if everyone is better off without him, we really don't know anything about his son who is replacing him. He could be even crazier. (Yes, I realize it's hard to imagine someone crazier than a guy who claims that he made eleven holes-in-one during a single round of golf. But this is his son. Apple...tree...it wouldn't surprise me if this little runt is just as nuts as the newly deceased little runt.) All I'm saying is that we shouldn't get too excited just quite yet.



But speaking of crazy, can we just talk for a minute about the reaction of the North Koreans? These are people who live in what is essentially a hermit country. Their nation doesn't play well with the rest of the world. And these people live without much at all. There are food shortages and power outages all of the time. And they have so little freedom (as is usually the case with a police state). I guess I would have thought that they all would have been rejoicing at the death of this little guy. But it was actually quite the opposite. They were distraught. I mean up-set. They were crying and inconsolable. It's quite fascinating to watch. I guess when you don't know any different that you don't know what you're missing. I certainly hope that with the death of Kim Jong Il that the people will be able to learn what they're missing...for the better. The video of the people freaking out is below. If it doesn't work, click here.

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Maybe That's Not Exactly What He Meant

Rick Perry has a new campaign video out. Without jumping directly into hate mode (as it seems so many people seem to be inclined to do about said video), I'm going to say that I hope I know what he was trying to say. I'm going to hope that he was just trying to say that it's OK to celebrate Christmas in school and that people shouldn't worry about any sort of backlash from doing so. I'm going to hope that he was trying to make a comparison by using something that is just as loopy sounding as the whole war on Christmas. Do I think he did a good job with it? God, no. He comes across as a homophobic ass. Do I think it's a terrible commercial that is probably going to do more harm than good? Absolutely. So why am I hoping that he just went about sending his message in the wrong manner? Just because. Because if how he came across is actually how he is, and the fact that he was once thought to be the Republican front runner for their Presidential nomination, well, that can't be good for anything. The video is below. If it doesn't play, try clicking here.

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Protesting Against Equality And Change

Still confused about what the whole #Occupy movement is about? Still not sure what those folks want? (I'm not sure what they want either. But I know that a lot of them need a shower.) Well let this woman from the Occupy Atlanta dealio fill you in. Because sometimes, you're just haftin' to be uproared. If it doesn't load, click here.

Aren't you glad that she cleared all of that up for you?

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Tripods For Libya

You know what I wish for "new Libya" now that Gaddafi is gone? Well, for starters, I wish for more steady impromptu video recordings. Is it some sort of hotbed of seismic activity over there? How come all of this footage of Gaddafi getting captured is as if the person with the camera was atop a very active trampoline during these events? I want steady footage of Gaddafi getting what he had coming to him. Hopefully, the new regime will see the need for watchable video and get right on that. Seriously, check out the video below to see what I'm talking about. It's unwatchable.

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You're Not Gonna Be A Great Breakdancer

Stereotypes have to come from somewhere, right? There's always a little bit of truth within each one. (And it's OK to admit it! No one is going to think less of you!) And what we have below is a video which accurately depicts the stereotypical mother when her wacky child does something that she doesn't quite get/approve of. He's attempting to break dance on a mat in what I can only assume is the family living room. And he's really got a lot of the moves down except for the ones where he can stop spinning and not almost kill himself. The thing is that listening to the mom after she cuts off his music and begins berating him (and extremely agile Asians) in such typical "mom" fashion that it's hilarious. Also, she sounds exactly like Joan Cusack, so that's something to add to the equation.

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Baby Monkey, Baby Monkey

There are many elements to having a successful video. Sometimes, it's not just the video itself that matters. I mean, it has to be kind of good in whatever way it is that makes a good video. (Oh, come on! You can't figure out if something is going to be popular or not just by watching it! There are just too many variables and NONE of them are defined! None of them!) But there are times when music really helps. (Take Nyan Cat for example. I still don't know what that is, but without the music, it would be nothing more than a cat made out of a Pop-Tart riding a rainbow through space.) The video below is one of those videos. The music really makes it. And it will get stuck in your head. Enjoy your weekend with "Backwards on a pig, baby monkey" stuck in your head all the live long day.

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9 To 5

It's Labor Day! And what better thing to use for a post (that is easy and makes it so that I don't have to labor very hard) than a preview from the movie "9 To 5". You remember that workplace classic, don't you? Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton all play secretaries in the most sexist workplace in all the land. And since it came out in 1980, you wouldn't really have expected that there would be what could sort of be described as a bondage scene with Dabney Coleman in it. But it's there. The trailer below doesn't really do this fabulous film justice, but it does give you some sort of an idea as to how many people wore big rings (lots of pinky rings on men, too) and how prominent the typewriter was. And trust me, you'll thank me for providing you with a trailer that doesn't have that song in it. No sense in you humming that thing all the live long day. Happy Labor Day!

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I Want My 1995 Internet

The Internet in 1995 as documented by MTV. That is all. (Oh, and check out how cute Sandra Bullock was back then. OK, THAT is all.)

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What Do They Care?

Just a couple of quick things here. I was perusing the stories over yonder at ABC News and I came across an article about a bunch of atheists who are suing over "...the inclusion of cross-shaped steel beams...in the exhibit at the National September 11th Memorial and Museum." I guess it's a couple of steel beams that look like a cross that was in the wreckage of the World Trade Center buildings. And I guess that it comforts some people. Those people aren't atheists, but they're still comforted.

The atheists in question here are having a cow for some reason. They say that the iron cross isn't a religious symbol and that a bunch of people shouldn't be acting like it is. What I don't understand is that if they're atheists, why do they even care? For people that don't believe in something, they sure do get all worked up over other people who do believe in it. I wonder if they have the same disposition towards small children who still believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy? Does that both them as well? A lot of them are such pain in the asses about it, I'm going to guess that it does.



But here's the other weird thing. Along the sidebar, there was a selection of videos that are supposed to be related to the article at hand. It started off OK. But just look at how it ended!

Umpire makes a bad call?! What the what does that have to do with Ground Zero?! Wait. It does say on that video that it's "Not the First". Maybe "Not the First" means "zero"? That could be. Then again, "Not the First" could be anything BUT the first, so that really doesn't narrow it down very much at all. I don't know how that ended up there, but I do know that it makes about as much sense as the atheists worrying about some cross.

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The Not So Shocking Death Of Amy Winehouse

So, Amy Winehouse died. Now, I keep reading interviews with people who knew her and I'm a little surprised by the number of times that someone has said, "I am shocked to learn of her death." Really? Shocked? Look, I might have been a lot of things when I heard that she had croaked it, but shocked was not one of them. As far as whether it is sad or not, that's a matter of opinion. I don't know that it's "sad" that someone dies when that death was totally preventable. Sure, it's sad for her family, but is the event itself "sad"? I think that it's more stupid than sad. But I'm sure that will be interpreted as my being insensitive. What else is new? Listen, watch the video of her singing in Serbia (of all places) about a month ago. If it doesn't load, click here. And after watching it, you tell me if you're "shocked" to learn that she died or if you're simply "shocked" that it didn't happen sooner.

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Can't She Do That Later?

Look, I'm a big fan of good personal hygiene. Big fan! You know what I'm an even bigger fan of? Privacy, that is correct. Put those two together and you have really got something going for yourself. But if you try to do one of those without the other, do you know what you have? Problems. See, if you make sure you have privacy but you forget about the personal hygiene, then you're all by yourself, but you're smelly. That's not good for you. But what's even worse is if you decide to take care of the personal hygiene, but you do not have the privacy. And by "taking care of personal hygiene" I mean washing your privates with a jug of water. Oh, and by "you do not have the privacy" I mean that you're on a subway train. That's right. What we have here is a woman on a subway train sans pants and washing herself with the aforementioned jug of water. There are so many degrees of wrong to this that I pretty much don't know where to start. Maybe you'll know after you watch it. (And by the way, I realize that this video says that it is Part 1 of 3. I don't find that parts 2 and 3 are really necessary. It can only get worse, don't you think?) If the video below doesn't load, please click here.

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Why Are You Closed?!

Well, 4th of July (ie, Independence Day) here in the States was a rousing success in my neck of the woods. Do you know how freaking good rhubarb pie is?! Neither did I! But it's delicious! So, so good. And most places were open today. Granted, there were a few that were closed. And it took me a couple of seconds to realize exactly why they were closed when I went there. At first, I kind of felt like the guy in the video below...only I wasn't crazy. Nor did I express those thoughts out loud. And like I said, it only took me a couple of seconds to figure it out. I don't know what his problem is/was. I do know that I need to go find myself some leftover rhubarb pie, though. So, if you'll excuse me....

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Like A Lion, Only Less Hairy

Warning: This isn't my usual witty fare. But it's important. Granted, I think that other things that I put on here are important as well, but seriously, are they? Kinda. But still not as important as this. Look, my very good friend's father died from melanoma about five years ago. It's not good. But there are things that you can do to catch melanoma early and improve your chances of survival. This video gets to the heart of those things that you should probably know. I know it runs a little bit long at just over five minutes, but give it a watch. If you knew that you were going to be attacked by a lion one day, wouldn't you want to know what to do about it when that lion finally jumped out at you? Of course you would! (Just ask Siegfried and Roy.) Think of melanoma as that lion, only with less hair. And if the video doesn't load, click here.

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How My Brain Works

I write these things the night before. Religiously, I might add. And while I don't ever "forget", I do sometimes put it off for quite a while. And sometimes, when it's getting close to my needing to come up with something to churn out, I kind of panic. There are times when I think that I have plenty of time and then I get distracted by something. (Did you know that you can watch every episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle on Hulu for FREE?!) And that's when I come to my senses and realize that I've really gotta start crackin' on something. I'm not going to lie. I panic. And it takes me awhile to recover. The extremely brief video below is the best way of explaining what I go through when I'm in this position. And since I am determined not to write about Anthony Weiner's weiner again, I am posting that video. Hopefully, there will be something decent for me to write about tomorrow so I don't have to post vivid descriptions of how my mind works under pressure.

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