They've Banned Reading Texts

With every new year comes the hundreds, actually thousands of new laws that go into effect. The majority of them could not be any more ridiculous unless they actually tried. And even then I'm not so sure that the various legislatures around the country would be able to top themselves. California, I'm looking at you!

It has been illegal in California for a couple of years now to send a text message while you are driving. That seems like a reasonable law, as I don't think that it's a good idea that anyone be using the equivalent of a typewriter when they are behind the wheel and whizzing down the freeway at 65mph. But they have now expanded that law into a realm that I find rather inexplicable. Yes, it now illegal to read a text message when you're driving in California.

Are the people who wrote and enacted this ridiculous law aware of the fact that there are an awful lot of things that all drivers read every single time that they get behind the wheel? I don't think that they are. And, in that case, I think that they're going to be really surprised when I tell them about billboards. See, billboards are these massive, hulking signs which line the sides of major roadways across this fine land of ours. Some of them are even electronic and change their displays within seconds of every message. I'm pretty sure that the way that they work is that the drivers who whiz by them are supposed to pay attention to them and read them. Huh. And yet, they haven't outlawed billboards because, well, because that would be stupid.

As long as I'm on the subject of how ridiculous I think that this not reading text messages is, how about if I go over a hypothetical situation? Let's say that I have a GPS in my car and I am looking at it while I drive in order to obtain directions to my destination. How in the world is that any different than, say, if I was headed to a friend's house and instead of looking at my GPS, my friend texted me the directions to his house and I looked at that instead? Oh, that's right. It's NOT different. In fact, it's pretty much the freaking same!

I'm all for not having distracted drivers out there on the road, but let's just get real about what is going to help and what is not going to help. Banning the reading of text messages is NOT going to help. If they want to do something to cut down on the number of distracted drivers, how about they ban eating in the car? At the very least, ban any sort of Mexican-themed fast food fare from those behind the wheel. There is nothing more distracting than trying to drive and eat a crunchy taco without making a mess. It's a heck of a lot more dangerous than glancing at a text message on your phone, I'll tell you that. But no one ever addresses these asinine, yet necessary, hypothetical situations that really call into question the legitimacy of the stupid law to begin with. Maybe I'll start.

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The Missing Tuesday Post!

It has been brought to my attention that I somehow missed posting this when Tuesday actually rolled around. My bad. Granted, what I was doing instead of posting was likely much more enjoyable (and required much less clothing), but that doesn't change the fact that this blog is an every day thing. EVERY DAY! So here is my missing Tuesday post.

I so want to do my Christmas cards this year like the family below did theirs. It's genius I tell you. Pure genius. Oh, and the hilarity factor is through the roof, so what's not to love? Behold!

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Don't Text In The Magnited States Of America

First things first. No, I do not know why these posts are being formatted the way that they are. It sucks. I realize that. I think it has something to do with Windows Vista that I am being forced to use until my new power supply on my regular computer is installed. Whatever it is, it should only last a couple more days at the most. I hate it too. Now that I've cleared that up, onward!

You know where I want to go to see a movie? The Alamo Drafthouse Theater in Austin. You know why? Because they're awesome. Any movie theater that will kick someone out for using their phone during a movie will definitely get repeat business from me. All I have to do now is figure out how to get to Austin.

Here's the story: According to a site with the super awesome name of Film Drunk, "...a girl was recently kicked out of the Alamo without refund for

texting after she’d already been warned twice". Wow. They warn people AND they follow through and kick them out when the people don't give a crap. Awesome. Can you see why I would want to watch movies at this fine establishment? I cannot stand when I have already shelled out way too much money to watch something that will hopefully not be mediocre and then there is some a-hole sitting next to me or in front of me with their phone out and glowing the entire time. And apparently, the Alamo Drafthouse Theater knows exactly that, which is why they actually do something about the aforementioned a-holes. Now, this chick that was booted out, let's just say that she was a little inebriated. I don't know how much she had actually imbibed in, but it was enough for her to call the theater and complain about her ejection. Let's go through the content of her message, shall we?

"Yeah, I was wondering if you guys actually enjoy treating your customers like pieces of s***? Because that's how I felt when I went to the Alamo Drafthouse! (I like how she names the place when she's already calling that place. It's like she's writing a review on Yelp! or something.) Okay? You know what? I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to text in your little crappy ass theater. (You're not supposed to text in any theater, cupcake. Crappy ass or not. Though I'm relatively sure that the Alamo Drafthouse is not a crappy ass theater. It might have had a crappy ass customer, but that doesn't reflect upon the establishment at all.) It was too f***ing dark in that place for me to find my seat. All right? I was using my PHOOONNNE as a FLASHLIGHT to get to my f***in' seat. (I thought you just said that you didn't know you weren't supposed to text? But now you're using it as a flashlight? OK, then.) So EXCUSE ME for using MY phone. In USA MAGNITED STATES OF AMERICA! (The Magnited States of America. Maybe she meant 'magneted'. You know. Because all of the states are all held together.) Where yer..you are FREE to TEXT in a THE-A-TER! (You're still unclear on the concept, buttercup. You're NOT free to annoy everyone around you and text, er, use your phone as a flashlight in a theater.) I was not AWARE that I couldn't text in your theater. All right? I've texted in all the other theaters in Austin and no one ever gave a f*** about what me...I was doin' on my f***in' phone. (Oh, I'm going to go ahead and disagree with that. I'm pretty sure that MOST people gave a f*** that you were texting during their movie. You sound like a peach. I can't believe this is the first time that you've been kicked out of someplace with that attitude.) All right? And it was on SILENT. It watn't on LOUD. It wasn't BOTHERING anybody. (It isn't supposed to be on AT ALL! You're at the movies! Turn your G-D phone OFF!) You guys, obviously, were being a-holes to me. (I'll go to those a-holes theater any time if they kick out people like you.) AND I'm SURE that's what you do...you know...to rip people off. You take my money and then you throw me out. You know? I will never be comin' back to your Alamo Drafthouse or whatever. (Victory! Now I will DEFINITELY go to the Alamo Drafthouse because I know for a fact SHE won't be there.) I'd rather go to a reglear theater where people are actually polite. Annit...you know? I'm gonna tell EVERYONE about how s****y you are. And I'm pretty sure you guys are being a-holes on purpose. (If kicking you out because people like you annoy the crap out of everyone around them means that they were being a-holes on purpose, then yes. They were.) So thanks for making me fill like a customer. Thanks for takin' my money,a-hole! (Thanks for never going back, sweetheart.)

And right when you think that this couldn't get any better, it does! See, those a-holes over there at the Alamo Drafthouse are so proud of what they did (and they absolutely should be) that they took this little angel's voicemail message and made it their "Don't Text or Talk" PSA which they will be playing before all of their R-rated movies! You can check out their explanation of the events that transposed and their PSA on their website. I love this place. I've never been, but one day, I will go. If you're in the Austin area, please go see a movie at this place. It seems like a given that you won't be interrupted during your film. Awesome. Simply awesome.

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Watch Where You're Going

Texting while driving? Bad. Texting while walking? Hilarious...if you're in a mall and you end up doing a header into the mall fountain! For now, just enjoy the gloriousness that is this dingbat tripping and falling into a fountain because she wasn't watching where she was going. Yes, I've heard that she is thinking about suing the mall because of this. I've also heard that she has a rather colorful history with the law and seems to be an overall despicable individual. (I also heard her giving an interview to some organization in which she says that she called her husband after she did her swan dive to tell him what happened. That's fine. What isn't so fine is that she explains that she refers to her husband as "Daddy". Yeah, I'm done here.)

Side note: Blogger was being all weird when I was trying to post this, so if the video doesn't work, try accessing it over at YouTube.

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No Today Show Excuses, Please

If you have a friend or a family member who commits a heinous crime (I mean, if they're accused of allegedly committing a heinous crime) do you know what your role is in the whole ordeal when the media comes calling for your take on the matter? Let me give you a hint. It's the same as it is even if the media doesn't come calling for what you have to say on the matter. That's right. You just pipe down and say nothing at all. And if you have to say anything, you sure as hell had better not say anything in defense of the person who has allegedly committed the act in question. We don't want to hear that.

Case in point would be that of a one Wayne Treacy, a 15-year old in Deerfield Beach, Florida who has been accused (mainly because he did it) of putting on a pair of steel-toed boots, texting at least one friend that he was going to kill 15-year old Josie Ratley, bicycling three miles from his Pompano Beach home to the middle school, asking a 13-year-old friend to point Ratley out to him, and attacking Ratley at a school bus stop after she allegedly sent him a text message that made fun of his brother's death. This according to the one Sun-Sentinel. That's pretty harsh.

15-year old Josie Ratley managed to survive the attack, but the term "survive" might just be relative to the situation. As you can imagine, she's not exactly in the best of shape right now. She's in a medically induced coma and has had part of her skull removed to deal with the swelling in her brain. (And when there's the ol' brain swell, you know that the likely outcome is going to be anything but swell.) So, this must have seemed like an opportune moment for the family of a-hole Wayne to go on the Today show and give a half-ass apology interspersed with rationale for why he did what he did. Yeah, don't do that.

Apparently, a one Donna Powers, the a-hole's mother, offered up to Josie's mother/family, "I know the pain you're going through." Say what? You know the pain that the kid's mom is going through? I'm sorry, ma'am, but has your child been savagely attacked and beaten senseless by one of his peers? No? Then I don't think you should be offering up the notion that you DO know what that's like. I'm guessing you have NO clue as to what it's like. I'm guessing that anyone who has not had their child almost beaten to death by another child also doesn't know what she's going through. Why would you say that? That's just idiotic.

The a-hole's stepfather, a one Carey Smith, was also on the Today show and said that the a-hole"....would like to apologize to Josie and her family. He's real remorseful about it." Really? Remorseful? He's 15-years old and sitting in a cell at juvenile hall because he nearly killed a girl by kicking her in the head with his steel toed boots. And he's "remorseful"? What is that supposed to mean, exactly, sir? I mean, according to the folks over there at True Crime Report after a teacher pulled the a-hole off of Josie, he managed to shoot off a text to a friend of his that said "Hey, I think I'm going to prison, I think I just killed someone." Huh. I guess the remorse hadn't set in just then, eh? Yeah, probably not.

Smith went on to pretty much justify the a-hole's behavior by saying, "He had a lot on his plate for a 15-year-old. How would you like to be 15 and find your only brother hanging from a tree?" See, apparently, a-hole's brother had killed himself by hanging himself about a year ago. And allegedly what set off this whole thing was some sort of text message from Josie to the a-hole in regard to his brother's death. Sure. That's a reasonable response. Hey, a-hole's stepfather! Were you getting your stepson any sort of help for all of that stuff that he had on his plate? No? OK, then. Good parenting. Anything else?

Of course there was something else. "According to Powers, the beating was out of character for her son, who she believes snapped during the argument." So, let me get this straight. Your son doesn't make it a habit of hunting people down and kicking them in the head with his steel toed boots? That's NOT normal for him? Oh, OK. That makes sense then. Wait. NO! It doesn't! She also said, "That's not Wayne's nature. He's not a bully." Yeah, see, no one said anything about being a bully. What we're talking about is being an a-hole. And bully or not, it doesn't matter at this point. What's done was done by your son and there really isn't anything that you can say or should say that would justify it or explain it because it is, in just about every sense, completely inexplicable that someone would do this.

Smith added that "...his stepson is a "good kid" and a "normal 15-year-old boy" who is "well liked in the neighborhood" and had never lashed out at anybody before the beating." Yeah, see, you're wrong, sir. Your stepson is obviously not a good kid. He is obviously not a normal 15-year old boy. And you have a lot of audacity to even suggest such a thing. What is wrong with you? Plenty, I gather.

If your kid does something like this, it's really best if you just keep your ass off of the Today show. If your kid does something like this, it's really best if you just say nothing. But in the case where you feel compelled to say something, what say you don't make excuses for your kid, OK? What say you just apologize profusely and then slink away? But really, we'd all appreciate it if you'd just pipe down and not go on national television offering half-ass apologies for the actions of your offspring, OK? OK, then.

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