That's Not What It Is

Over there at Live Science, we learn that there was a little bit of excavating going on the other day in Sweden. I don't usually think of Sweden as a place that needs to be excavated, but I guess it does. Anyway, all of their excavating "...turned up an object that bears the unmistakable look of a penis carved out of antler bone." Of course. No, wait. What now?

Sometimes, I think of scientists as just like you and I (we would be the non-scientists). But when I read that sentence and learn that there IS an unmistakable look to an antler bone carved like a schlong that I realize that scientists see things in a whole different way than you and I. What was that? Oh, the bone? Heh-heh. (Pun totally intended.) Sure. Behold!

Well, they have a point. That's definitely penile look, I'll give them that. And according to a one Gšran Gruber (you pronounce that any way you want to), a archaeologist of the National Heritage Board in Sweden, "Your mind and my mind wanders away to make this interpretation about what it looks like – for you and me, it signals this erected-penis-like shape...But if that's the way the Stone Age people thought about it, I can't say." Oh, please.

Look, if there's one thing that has been an unfortunate constant through time and all eternity, it has been the penis. We all know what it looks like and we all laugh when we see it. (Seriously, I do not know how you guys walk around with those things down there.) And I'm sure the Stone Age people did the same thing. Either way, that's not a very scientific way of explaining this thing. Anyone could do that. ("Uh, it kind of looks like this, but I dunno.")

Contributing to quotes without a lot of scientific mojo to them would be a one Swedish archaeologist Martin Rundkvist, who says that "Without doubt anyone alive at the time of its making would have seen the penile similarities just as easily as we do today." You don't say. So, people thousands of years ago would have recognized a penis if they saw one? Really? Fascinating. Or not.

They don't know whether it was a dildo or not. It doesn't take a scientist with a fancy Swedish name to figure that out. That Gruber guy said, "Perhaps instead of, or in addition to, its sexual purpose, the object may have been used as a tool, such as to chip flakes of flint". What? I understand the part about "instead of", but I became a bit confused with the infusion of "in addition to". Are they saying that ancient dildos also doubled as some sort of a chisel? That doesn't seem like a very good idea at all. (First of all, you really need to hold that chisel steady to get the most effective cut. It can't be slipping and sliding all over the place, you know.)

They also don't know what it was for even if it was a dildo, as the article states, "It's not immediately clear whether the tool would have been one most likely to be used by men or women or both." Now, when they say "tool", are they referring to a tool like a hammer or are they referring to a tool like something that gets the job done? Hard to say. Not sure I want to know, either. Wait a minute. It says that the thing "...is about 4 inches (10.5 cm) long and 0.8 inches (2 cm) in diameter." Four inches long? Not even an inch in diameter? It's not a dildo. Trust me. It's not a dildo.

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Things That Are Younger Than Senator Byrd

Yesterday marked quite the milestone in American politics and I'm not sure that it was for the better. No, yesterday was the day that the ancient, 92-years old tomorrow Robert Byrd, former Klansman and current Senator of West Virginia became the longest serving lawmaker in the US Capitol. That's right. The barely coherent and only sometimes understandable Senator Byrd has served for a total of 20,774 days, according to the Los Angeles Times. Yep. Ever since January 3, 1953, the voting people of West Virginia have decided that Robert Byrd is the man that they want to represent them, though why I can't quite figure out because I'm fairly certain that the man is not fully in control of all of his mental faculties. He might know where he is and who he is most of the time, but other than that, I'm going to guess and say it's a coin flip. You can check out the video below and judge for yourself. But keep in mind, this is a man who is making laws that effect the nation!

Seriously, West Virginia. What are you thinking?! The man can barely hold his head up. Mind you, I'm not making fun of the elderly and/or the infirm. I'm mocking the people of West Virginia for electing someone like that! What was he saying about the Senator from Timbuktu? Never mind. (But say, what do you think really woke him up for a minute there?)

Look, the point is, Robert Byrd is old. Really old. I know some oldsters and I don't know anyone who is as old as he is. That's when I started thinking about how long Robert Byrd has been around. He's been around not only longer than most people, but he's also been around longer than a lot of things (some of which seem as if they've been around forever!). Let's see some things that are younger than Robert Byrd, shall we?

McDonald's is younger than Robert Byrd. The first McDonald's was opened in 1940, but the first franchised McDonald's was opened in 1955, two years after Robert Byrd was first elected to the House.

Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid was invented in 1927. None of its offshoot products ever really took off (who thought that people would want Kool-Aid pie fillings and ice cream mixes anyway?), but Kool-Aid is still going strong today and it is nine years younger than Robert Byrd.

Band-Aids. Band-Aids were invented in 1920 by a one Earle Dickson whose wife, Janice, was apparently very accident prone and was cutting herself almost every day! Good thing the guy was too dense to just figure out to keep all sharp objects away from that chick, otherwise we might never have had Band-Aids a mere 3 years after the birth of Robert Byrd.

The ballpoint pen. That's right. The ballpoint didn't show up until 1938. Robert Byrd would have been a full 21-years old. It must have been strange for him to have to give up his quill and ink well after all that time.

Prohibition. From the time that Robert Byrd was 3 years old until the time that he would have been turning 16, America was an allegedly dry country. Granted, during that time, all of the lawmakers were sure boozing it up, perhaps piquing Senator Byrd's interest in entering the public service domain.

FM Radio. FM radio hit the airwaves just in time for Robert Byrd's 21st birthday in 1938.

Betty Crocker cake mixes. OK, seriously?! He's older than cake mix?! Well, considering that Betty Crocker commercialized their cake mix around 1947, Robert Byrd has 30 years on the cake mix.

The credit card. For 33 years, clear up until 1950 when Diner's Club first came up with the idea of paying for things with plastic (and then later claiming bankruptcy and not having to pay for it at all), Robert Byrd was paying in cash.

And just a few more little tidbits....In 1917 when Robert Byrd was born....

...gasoline was 18.45 cents a gallon.

...postage stamps were three cents.

...111 people reported their income at over $1 million.

...the average annual income was $368.56. Yes, that's per year.

Congratulations, Senator Byrd?

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What Can Electricity Do For YOU?

You know, I've been saying we're doomed for quite some time now. But I suppose that I had thought that it was only a recent phenomenon in which we, as a people, were propelling ourselves down a path of stupidity. I'm beginning to think that people in general (excluding the majority of you reading this right now) have always been rather dim-bulbed. I say that because apparently, at one point, it was necessary to inform folks of all of the things that electricity in the home can do for you. Wait. What?

Look, I wasn't around during the advent of all of the electricity, but I'd think that all I'd need to see is that light bulb glowing and realize that life is good! But the thing is, this video doesn't seem to have been made around the advent or discovery of electricity. I mean, it does reference television at some point, so it's not like the wonders of electricity were not well known during the filming of this odd, odd PSA. The video is below and I'm going to run through just a few of the things that I found particularly entertaining. Behold!

1930's Infomercial About Electricity, Funny - Click here for more blooper videos

Do you know that electricity will switch on your kettle and when it boils, make tea, light the lamp and ring the alarm to wake you up? Am I sleeping with Rube Goldberg? Who in the world had that contraption next to their bed?

"And when, half an hour later, when your husband is waiting to get off to work, it will boil another kettle for breakfast and cook his toast at the table for him in the twink. Perhaps he'll even offer you a piece!" OK, I might not have heard the lovely British fellow correctly when he talked about cooking toast in the "twink". I've listened to it several times and that's the best I can come up with. Regardless, maybe your husband will OFFER you a piece? A piece? Of the toast YOU just cooked for HIM? Good Lord...

But this voice over guy is a crack up! After making the comment about the guy offering a piece of toast up to the little lady, the guy says "I'll be he doesn't when we're not filming him!" Nice!

"In this country, the waffle griddle may still be something of a newcomer, but it is growing in favor every day." (Apparently this wasn't filmed in Belgium, home of delicious waffles!) But here's where he loses me. "It uses only one unit in twenty hours and will also give you toasted sandwiches." What? A unit of what? Twenty hours? Is there a timer on this waffle cooker contraption? And toasted sandwiches? In a waffle iron? Er, griddle. Machine. Whatever! There are no sandwiches in my waffle iron!

This whole thing cracks me up! "And if you're husband feels in need of a little fresh air..." Enter some guy who was not the guy sharing his toast with you earlier. "Hello! You've got a new husband!" Funny how electricity informercial guy can mention that it's a different person playing the husband, but do you think anyone ever wanted to talk about the second Darrin? Not so much. Odd.

"...Electricity to warm you as you recline so beautifully in front of the drawing room fire as you wonder what's keeping your husband out so late. I wouldn't stay out so late, madam, were I your husband." Is he hitting on our electricity model? I believe he is! First he tells her that her husband is a selfish toast hoarder, now he's telling her that he's out carousing around! Does he know that she can't hear him?

It's just a tad bit unnerving for me to see the hot water heater positioned directly above the tub. Why is it there? There had to have been plumbing pipes at that time, didn't there? I mean, it's not like the tub was the only appliance the in the home that used hot water. Why positioned directly over the tub?

Well I don't know if this little Public Service Announcement explaining how electricity can be useful in the human home would have been successful at convincing me of anything other than those women did a hell of a lot of work all the live long day...electricity or not!

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Food: The Key to Understanding Kidnapping Rapists

To understand how CNN, the once revered, now bungling, semi-news network, found itself in the position that it is currently in (that being one of a cable news network whose participants seem to merely phone it in every day) one needs look no further than The Larry King Show. I'm all for any iconic newsman continuing to "report" the "news", but when an interviewer's questions begin to sound more like some of the blather that you'd hear coming out of Grandpa Simpson, you kind of have to wonder if someone is going to point this out to them or if they're going to just wait until the person ends up following Dan Rather out the door.

Larry King interviewed a woman named Katie Callaway Hall. Ms. Hall was the first victim of perverted rapist and child kidnapper Phillip Garrido. Basically, back in 1976, Ms. Hall gave A-Hole Garrido a ride and he, in turn, forced her to drive across statelines from California to Nevada and to a storage shed that he had set up as a sexual perversion emporium and proceeded to rape her for the next eight hours until she was rescued. A-Hole Garrido was convicted, sentenced to 50 years in one case and 5 to life in another and manged to get out of prison within 11 years. Then he proceeded to kidnap 11-year old Jaycee Dugard and hold her for 18 years and father two children with her beginning when she was 14. Oh, yeah, he's a piece of work.

So Larry King has Ms. Hall on his show. First of all, she came forward after learning that the pig who raped her and imprisoned her was the same guy who had abducted Jaycee Dugard. She wanted people to know what kind of an effing monster this guy is. And I think that's awesome that she did come forward to tell her story, especially since it's not exactly the stuff that bedtime stories are made out of. So with a story like this, you'd expect questions that went somewhere along the lines of the crime, her feelings then, her feelings now, the trial, etc. Basically, all things that are RELEVANT to the story. But Larry must have had different thoughts on that matter.

She describes how, when she decided to give Garrido a ride, she had a bunch of food in her car because she had stopped at the store and bought some things that her boyfriend had asked her to pick up. And for some inexplicable reason, Larry focuses on the food aspect! I don't know why! No one cares! And is it relevant what happened to her groceries after all of the kidnapping but before all of the raping? I don't think it is.

KING: Why did you let him in the car?

HALL: I don't know. It was the worst decision I've ever made, I think. It truly was.

KING: What happened when he got in?

HALL: When he got in, I filled his hands with a lot of food that I had in the front seat anyway -- I tried to engage him.

KING: He was holding your food?

HALL: He was. I tried to engage him in small conversation on the trip. Tried to stay on the main street....on another main street that I turned. So I took him a little further up...I just turned around the corner and pulled over, and he slammed my head into the steering wheel, and pulled out handcuffs. He took my keys out, threw them on the floor, and pulled out handcuffs, and handcuffed me, and said, 'I just want a piece of ass. If you be good, you won't get hurt.'

KING: What did he do with the food?

WTF? Are you kidding me? What did he do with the food? Who in the hell cares what he did with the food?! We have head slamming, handcuffing, key throwing and kidnapping and YOU want to know what he did with the FOOD?! WHY?!? What is wrong with you? That's not only idiotic, it's insulting. This woman is strong enough to sit there on your show and tell millions of people that she was raped and you're asking her what her rapist did with her food. What is wrong with you?

By the way, in case you were now wondering "What did he do with the food?", Ms. Hall answered (with a perplexed look on her face, as if to say "What in the hell is wrong with you?"), "He put it on the floor. I guess. I don't know." There! Put it on the floor! Thank God we know that!

That kind of journalism is just a waste of space and airtime. There's no reason for it. It's crap. If you can't think of something better to ask about than the completely irrelevant food situation, then I believe that's a pretty good indicator that your time has come to get the Hell-o Kitty outta there.

Now, I had shortened the exchange between the two for brevity here, but you can watch the interaction in the video below and see for yourself just how close we should be to planning Larry King's retirement party.

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61, Do I Hear 62?

Today brings us another look at our old (literally) friend, Ella Orko. Orko, as you may or may not care to remember, is an 86-year old woman with a colorful past and an extremely long and storied career as a professional thief. Her occupation has netted her recognition in the form of an arrest at least 61 times since 1956 and her vivid imagination has allowed her to come up with about 50 aliases, which almost amounts to giving a different name every time she was arrested, give or take about eleven. It's unfortunate she couldn't have put her talents to work doing something besides ripping people off her whole life, but she's 86 now. I highly doubt, at this point, she's going to be taking some classes at the community college to learn a new trade.

This woman came to our attention when Ms. Orko was arrested for stealing $252 worth of a variety of items ranging from packaged salmon (5 packs) to AA batteries (11 packs) to instant coffee (4 jars) to about the one thing that you'd think that an 86-year old woman would steal - anti-wrinkle cream (2 boxes of one brand and 8 boxes of another brand, I believe). She went to court just the other day to answer for this charge and it sounds like it was quite the scene.

She shows up to court like she's supposed to, only she's in a wheelchair and wearing a neck brace! Clearly, when you're someone who has been arrested 61 times, you know that you're not going to be able to play the poor, frail, feeble, elderly woman act and get away with it. No, you're going to need some props. And while I understand the strategy, I don't understand the choice of props. Come on, woman! You were caught shoplifting! Did you have that wheelchair THEN? I don't think you did! And the neck brace? For reals? Did someone rear end you in a car that you had stolen? What was that all about?

She even played as if she were hard of hearing. I don't know what that was supposed to do other than perhaps induce the sympathy factor from the judge. It's not like she could pretend that she didn't hear him and they would just give up and let her go. Fortunately, the judge, a one Honorable Marvin P. Luckman, wasn't buying it. His words? "I've been doing this for a lot of years. She's an actress."

According to CBS2Chicago she "was originally charged with a felony, but prosecutors agreed to reduce the charge to a misdemeanor in exchange for her guilty plea." Right. Because what if she had a felony on her record? That would be terrible! Then she'd always have to check that little box that says "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on every form that she filled out. That might hinder her from getting a job! It could affect her for the rest of her life! Well, what's left of it.

Even as the judge was shouting in the courtroom, Ms. Orko played up the whole "I'm deaf" facade by mumbling, "I can't hear too good." You don't speak too "good" either. Shocking, I know. Though a man clear in the back row said that he could hear the judge just fine when he was asked, Ms. Orko, right there in front of the judge, claimed deafness. And the judge, not knowing if she was serious, but suspecting that she wasn't, took the matter to the most reasonable level that I can think of. He got off the bench, stood directly in front of her and then bellowed at her, "Do . . . you . . . have . . . any . . . questions?!" MOST excellent.

It's hard to tell if Ms. Orko was embarrassed by the judge's purposeful shouting or if she was merely indifferent, but she did say, in response to his shouted question, "No. Very seldom would some judge [step off the bench]. Thank you so much." And she would know if judges did something often or did something very seldom. She's in court often enough to make that assessment quite accurately, I'd imagine.

She ended up being sentenced to two days in jail, which she had already done after her arrest, so she was credited with time served and released. Apparently she had last been convicted (for retail theft - shocking, I know) in 2006 and served time in prison until sometime in 2007 when she was paroled. Now, I don't know if she was on parole at the time of her arrest, but if so, you'd kind of think that she'd be breaking the terms of her parole, wouldn't you? But really, even if she was, is it going to do anyone any good to send this 86-year old woman to prison again?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that she shouldn't be held accountable for stealing things (nor am I saying that she should just keep on stealing, because she shouldn't. Yeah, that should have stopped about 53 years ago!), but I'm saying that during the time that she has left, I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up getting caught more frequently than she has in her past. You know, what with the neck brace and wheelchair and all. If she has been arrested 61 times since 1956, I think it's fair to say that she has probably gotten away with stealing stuff a whole hell of a lot more times than she has been caught stealing stuff. And that has to be one heck of a life to have had (and not in a good way). In a case like this, instead of having her plead guilty to the misdemeanor, I have a different idea.

Tell you what, cupcake, we'll drop the charges in exchange for you sitting down and doing an hour, maybe an hour and a half, interview, but not with a cop or a professional shrink or anything like that. I'm thinking more like local talk show host or newspaper columnist. Someone who can just pick your brain with the typical questions (What was your family like? How was your childhood? Blah, blah, blah.), but also pepper it with some of the atypical questions (Do you watch the Home Shopping Network? How about COPS? Why not just get a job? Did you steal from your mother? Did she steal from you? Was it a generally steal-y family? Did you ride the rails like a hobo in the 1930s?). I think the sociological information gathered from something like that would be much more informative and useful than having her sit in jail for however long.I know that guys always seem to have these "women in prison" fantasies where all of the female inmates are always having pillow fights in their bra and panties (and always with the possibility that they might/probably end up kissing), but do you really want to have her added to the mix of imaginary real-life scenarios in your head? I didn't think so.

Thus, an interview it is! In the meantime, get a job, Granny. Perhaps maybe you could do some acting, just like that nice judge suggested.

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Not the Best Career Path

The most sensible thing to do in life is just to find your niche and go with it. You are, however, going to have to make sure that when applying that principle, you want to make sure that your niche is of a legal bent. That is to say, don't make "habitual criminal" your niche.

Ah, but sadly, that advice came a bit too late for a one 86-year old Ella Orko (pretty name) who was arrested in Cook County, Illinois for shoplifting, according to Chicago Breaking News Again. Actually, that arrest was her THIRD arrest. In FOUR MONTHS! But don't worry! Really. She doesn't have dementia or anything like that. Whew! That's a relief, eh? Yeah, they know it's not dementia because she has 13 convictions on her record. That sounds like a lot, but then when you realize that she's been arrested SIXTY ONE times, it means that she's been convicted of only about 20% of her crimes. See? Now that I put it in perspective for you, it doesn't seem that bad, does it?

Nope. It seems worse.

Ms. (I'm exercising great liberty with that term here and just going with what it says for this one) Orko was first arrested in 1956 for petty larceny. Now, in 1956, you could steal a heck of a lot more than you could today for it to be considered petty larceny. So who knows what she was lifting back then. A cantaloupe? A Studebaker? Many more choices back then I would imagine. But that wasn't good enough for her and she aspired to have more in her life and managed to get herself arrested for grand larceny two years later.

Only two years and already she's made quite the move up the criminal ladder! She's a go-getter all right! And that knack she had for committing the steal-y sort of crimes and getting arrested for said crimes has continued to this very day. If that was her goal, she's extremely goal oriented, as she managed to get herself arrested 61 times since 1956. That's at LEAST once a year. That's also at LEAST once a year too many. It's a wonder they could keep track of all of the arrests, as she's used over FIFTY aliases during her stint as a professional lawbreaker, according to National Post. That's almost one alias per arrest. Well, she's innovative, I suppose. (What the hell else do you say about an 86-year old woman who has spent her entire life stealing? Innovative, I thought, was KIND.)

Wondering yet what an 86-year old career criminal shoplifter looks like? Of course you are. And far be it from me to disappoint. Behold!

(I swear that's her!) So what does an 86-year old woman need so badly that she must steal it? (And steal it all at once, it would appear.) Well, allegedly she helped herself to: "five packs of salmon, 11 packs of AA batteries, two packs of L’Oreal RevitaLift anti-wrinkle cream, eight boxed jars of Olay face cream and four jars of instant coffee." Hold it! What?!

Five packs of...SALMON, was it? What kind of "packs" of salmon? FIVE? Eleven packages of batteries?! How many remote controls has she stolen does she own! OK, that face cream and stuff? I've learned recently that stuff like that is expensive, and I'm sure that as a lifetime habitual criminal, she doesn't have a lot of cash lying around to splurge with, so that makes sense. (Though if these are the brands that she has BEEN using, I'd suggest trying a different brand. I don't know if those are working all that well. I'm just sayin'!) And listen, if you're going to steal coffee, don't steal instant. Steal yourself a Mr. Coffee and some real coffee and then make yourself a decent cup of joe. Who steals instant? Maybe she didn't have any room left to steal any filters. That must be it.But how was this possible? A one Robert Perez, the police spokesman said Orko "...hid the items in her pants." Wait. What? In her pants? What kind of pants was she wearing? Parachute pants? Made from an actual parachute? Cargo pants? The size of cargo ships? How are you going to fit all of that stuff in your PANTS?! You couldn't, could you? Let's try to imagine this, shall we? Behold!Yeah, see, that just looks silly. Did she really think no one was going to notice her walking out of the store like that? With salmon stuffed in her pants? (I'm really hung up on the salmon for some reason. I don't get that at all.)

Fortunately, this can all be explained away by the police spokesman when he said, "Supposedly, she's a habitual shoplifter." Um, "supposedly"? Arrested 61 times since 1956, used over 50 aliases, been convicted 13 times, yeah, I'd SAY she's a "habitual shoplifter"! When do you have to be back to your post at the Department of the Obvious, sir?

Well, look on the bright side. She IS 86 years old. Perhaps death will make an honest woman of her shortly.

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