Dan Wacky-royd

Well, add Dan Aykroyd to the list of wacky celebrities. Wacky celebrities with wacky ideas that they share with the world via centarian Larry King on CNN.

Now, I don't know why Dan Aykroyd was on Larry King. I can't possibly imagine what the topic was. And it's not like I would trust CNN to tell me at this point anyway. For cryin' out loud, their captioning guy can't even spell "consultant" correctly. Behold!

"Consulatant". Great. Anyway, if spelling were the wackiest thing that was going on here, I'd consider all of us quite lucky. But it's not. Nope. Not even close. From what I can tell, Dan was asked about what he thinks about aliens and whether or not they have visited this planet. Please note that considering the caption says that he is a "consulatant" for something called the "Mutual UFO Network", it's a pretty safe bet that he's going to be pro-alien in this instance.

But what IS the Mutual UFO Network you ask before I can get to the kooky talk? Well, according to their website, "Founded in 1969, the Mutual UFO Network, Inc. (MUFON) is a nonprofit corporation dedicated, through its volunteers, to resolving the scientific enigma known collectively as unidentified flying objects (UFOs)." Hmmm. Now, look, it would be rather egotistical (I think) for one to think that planet Earth is the ONLY planet in this ridiculously huge solar system that has intelligent life. I'm good with that. But it's when people start talking all crazy about it that it starts sounding just completely nuts. Kinda like Dan Aykroyd did.

Just like I can't quite surmise why Dan Aykroyd was on Larry King, I can't possibly guess as to what he was asked that would make him give this rambling diatribe:

"They only land in isolated places. They have taken people, I believe. They do have technology. Lord Hill Norton of the, uh, British Defense Staff said that he believed 23 people, er, 23 different species are coming because they don't want anything to do with us. I don't think we will ever have a formal relationship, a formal contact with any alien species out there. Especially after 9/11 when we broke our toys in the sandbox. If they were observing that, goodbye human race. And, uh, honestly, I don't think they're a mass threat, but I do believe they're breaking the law. I'm serious. Title eighteen twelve-oh-two. Read the Travis Walton story." OK, then. What do you say to that? I'll get right on it?

I suppose that I'd have to start off with "What in the hell are you talking about, sir?! Lord who? The Waltons? What? Sandbox? 9/11? Goodbye? What?!" You know how on an iPod you can put it on "Shuffle" and it will just randomly search through your iPod and then start playing songs at random? It's like Dan Aykroyd put his vocabulary on "Shuffle" and words just started flying out of his mouth at random. What in the world is he talking about?

And even though I don't know what you'd say and I don't know what I'd say, I certainly know what Larry King said. He asked him (of all things), "How do you arrest them?" And while that is a seemingly valid question, given everything Dan was just spouting off about, it's kind of the least of the things that I was really curious about, you know?

But Dan answered him with "Uh, that's the king. The FBI should be on that right away. I don't think they're a mass threat. If you want to save lives in this country, teach people to drive better, remove the cocaine appetite in the United States and stop people from texting while driving. That's the way to save lives." Wait. What's the king? I missed that part (and believe me, I was paying very close attention). Why did cocaine get brought into this? Are people doing the cocaine while they're texting while driving? I certainly hope not. That seems like an awful lot to try to manage all at the same time. The cell phone, the mirror, the straw...it does seem dangerous, though.

He came up with all of that in answer to how does one arrest these aliens that are here and breaking law eighteen twelve-oh-two in a way that may or may not involve a one Travis Walton?! Are you kidding me?

He finished up with, "I look at this...I look at this through the entertainment filter, Larry. That's what I do." That's hard to disagree with. It was definitely entertaining. Crazy as a pet coon, but entertaining none the less. The video of him spouting such entertainment is below. If you can make heads or tails out of it, please, for the love of God, let me know. It's things like this that tend to keep me up at night. Sometimes.

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Nuts & Nudity - Together at Last!

That's it, people! We have officially, OFFICIALLY come off the rails! It's over! Nothing more to see here! Move it along! That's right. Back you go! Back. BACK! Sweet mother of God, what have we done. What hath we wrought? I'll tell you what we've wrought. We've wrought the worst kind of wroughting you could ever think to wrought. That's right. We've wrought the worst wrought we've ever wrought before. You might have thought we've wrought, but you were wrong. Three words will show just how much wrong we've wrought.


Levi. (That's one.)

Johnston. (That's two.)

Naked. (Threeeeeeeeeeeee!!)

See? This is what happens when we (and by "we" I mean a society that gulps up every morsel of celebrity chum that is thrown into our shark infested waters with a thirst for knowledge about everything and everyone) act like we're interested out of sheer interest in an individual that we are merely interested in because we're making fun of them. While in theory, a perfectly harmless scenario, but in reality, most of those that we mock are not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed. (Translation: Too dumb to know we're dissin' 'em.)

That's what's happening with ol' Levi "Used To Be The Future Son-In-Law Of a Failed Vice Presidential Candidate" Johnston. He came on the scene as the guy who knocked up Bristol Palin and was going to marry her. Then the whole "might end up in the White House" scenario flew the coop and that whole "going to marry her thing" flew right behind it, closely followed by that whole "going to finish high school thing" as well. And for some reason, there was still some sort of odd interest in him. Maybe it's that he rather oddly has a sort of 80s look going on about him.

I think that the interest in Levi Johnston was slightly, just slightly perpetuated by the man-boy himself. I mean, if you continuously knock someone as hot as Sarah Palin, eventually people are going to listen to a little bit of what you say. Or, at the very least, be interested in what's going to come out of your blowhole next. And not necessarily interested out of interest, more so interested out of sheer amazement that someone could be so damned clueless. (For the record and in case you were previously unaware, it's not OK to bash the grandmother of your child in public. It's just not. Unless she's in prison having been convicted of murder, don't drag your family crap around for the whole world to see. It doesn't do a whole lot for smooth family relations, if that's what you were hoping for, either.)

But now this whole fake interest-interest thing has been taken to a whole new level. Levi Johnston is posing for Playgirl. Good Lord, is that necessary? I'm guessing it is, if you're him. Seriously. Let's think about this. I know that there was talk of him having a book deal, but I think that there are enough picture books on the market as it is. Talk shows aren't going to continue to pay him to spit out little tidbits about Sarah Palin that may or may not be true. He has nothing of substance to say. To describe him as slightly vacuous is an understatement. Translation: The gravy train has ground to a screeching halt.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to know what Playgirl offers one to pose nude. I realize some folks think that they're good enough, that they're hot enough that they'd do it for free. Those people are the kind of people that, if naked, would drive magazines out of business if they actually took them up on their free-nude-photos offer. The kind of people that some people (no names) would want to see naked need to be bribed paid and paid rather handsomely. The usual, however, I don't think is more than a million. I say that because it's always a big deal when someone is offered a million bucks to pose nude. If that was typical, it wouldn't generate as much tongue wagging. (Tongue wagging - another high paying position.)

But speaking of how Levi Johnston is trying to make a little money off of some nuts, he's also in a new advertisement for pistachios. I can't say I'm a fan of the ad. I'm all for the whole tongue-in-cheek thing (more so when it's either my tongue or my cheek), but when it involves your family or or your child, I just don't think you should go there. You can decide. Here's Levi Johnston advocating for nuts. And for Wonderful Pistachios.

Yeah, see? Too much. Aside from it making fun/light of the fact that he knocked up his girlfriend when they were both 17, it's a ridiculous premise. There's Levi being flanked on one side by a behemoth of a man while 3 or 4 people off screen say in semi-loud voices while 2 or 3 flashbulbs go off, "Levi! Levi!" It's as if the most unenthusiastic person in the world's dog has just run off and they're trying to get it to come back. "Levi! Levi!" And while that alone could be the punchline, the real punchline is when the announcer voice says, "Levi Johnston now does it with protection." Meaning the bouncer. Implying a condom. Selling pistachios. Hey, whatever works. (Man, I love pistachios. And I'll continue to love pistachios in spite of the fact that Levi Johnston is hawking them. They're good. He is not.)

Once Levi Johnston is naked and in Playgirl, then, then can we please make him go away? Please? What if we buy the nuts? How about the pistachios?

(Side note: Don't get me wrong, I'll be checking out that issue of Playgirl. I'm sure as hell not buying it, but I'm definitely going to see what all the fuss is about. And don't worry. It's not like I'm not going to be sharing with y'all. Oooohhhh, you can expect QUITE the post when THAT issue hits the newsstands. You know it.)

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