No Wonder They're Closing

Apparently Sears is going to be closing a bunch of stores due to poor holiday sales. This according to the Glendale News-Press. Now, the article goes into minor details about the aforementioned poor holidays sales and how that would affect an undetermined number of stores and jobs. Then the article includes a picture. Behold!

What in the world is going on there?! No wonder the stores are closing. They have a Brinks armored car plowed into the side of the building and some other random vehicle that has been smashed all to hell up on the sidewalk! I don't know about you, but I tend to avoid shopping at establishments with vehicular mayhem on the sidewalks. Call me crazy, but I like to know that the chances for my getting flattened by a Brinks truck or sideswiped on the sidewalk by an Audi are slim to none. At the very least, I like to shop places where there are not pictures in the paper of those sorts of things happening.


I only came across this article through the help of my friend Kelly, who ever so graciously passed along this little gem to me. Thanks, Kelly!

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Meanwhile, In Canada

Today I learned just how populous moose are in Canada. Behold!

What are the odds?! That's a lot of moose. It is moose, right? The plural of moose is moose? Isn't it? I'm pretty sure it's not mooses. Moosii? Nooo....right? Hmmm...

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You Can't Run And You Can't Hide

World didn't end. Gotta mow the lawn now. I guess that without the Rapture happening yesterday that this means that Harold Camping (the nutjob who was predicting all of the demise and luring an uncomfortably large number of softheads into believing him as well) is now the leader of a non-prophet organization? (Aside from not wanting to meet my demise just quite yet, the other reason I was hoping that it wasn't going to be the end of the world was mostly so I could use that joke today. It would have been such a waste if it had to go unsaid.)

While I'm relatively sure that it's a good thing that the world did not come to an end, there were certain people that I was looking forward to either never seeing again or knowing that they would meet a fiery and painful doom. The guy in the article below is one of those folks. You'll know which one I'm talking about when you read it. (Click to enlarge the photo if it's just too danged small.)

I'm not quite sure that he totally understood either the question that he was asked or the concept of the Rapture. He "...would run if it was serious." Um...it's the end of the world, sir. Where, exactly, would you be running to? Mars? I don't think that you can outrun Jesus. Or the end of the world, really. It's just really not possible. Sooooo...yeah. OK. I'm just going to leave it at that and see about buying more alligators for my moat that protects me from the thinking of people like Mr. Wilson. It seems like a pretty good investment, given his statement and all.

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Terrorists And Their Attributes

I really wish I knew which publication the article below came from. I'd like to congratulate them on their hilarity. Then again, since it probably wasn't intended to be amusing, they might not appreciate that. Perhaps I'm better off not knowing. But what we have here is an infographic of sorts which tries to show all of the options for who might succeed ol' Weird Beard bin Laden.

There are seven categories which the publication is using to help compile the biographies of these heir-wannabes. We have: Who Is He? Background. Special Skill. Hiding Place. Bona Fides. Best Known For. And Trademark. Can I just start with Hiding Place? How do we know this? Why aren't we using this more to our advantage than to simply tell other people where he is? Shouldn't we BE in those places looking for these clowns instead of writing about it?

I really like the "Background" of Adam Gadahn. (I also love how in the picture of him below that he kind of looks like Weird Al.) "Loves death metal music". How does that help anyone? Are we supposed to be on the lookout for this guy at a Cannibal Corpse concert? (Yeah, I had to look up a list of death metal bands for this one. I had no clue.) Then again, the "Background" of Nasser el Wuhayshi is "Osama's personal secretary". So, I guess we look for him in the unemployment line?
Moving on to "Special Skill", I think they were kind of stretching on these. For example, Saif al Adel's "Special Skill" is "Organisation". Like filing? Keeping everyone's camels in order? Neatly folded laundry? I wonder if he has that on his resume'? If so, he should really consider beefing that sucker up. It's really not very significant if he's trying to catch a prospective employer's eye. (And the only picture that I could find of this guy looks like it was taken for his college yearbook in about 1955. Note to self: He might be a time traveler.)
Next is "Hiding Place". This is a silly category. Only three of them have a definitive country listed. Dr. Z hasn't been seen since 2001. For all we know, they could all be holed up just a hundred yards from the Pakistani military bases. Naaahhh. That'd be silly. No one could get away with hiding in some place so obvious for several years. Right? RIGHT? Oh. Right.
I really don't know what I'm supposed to take from the "Bona Fides", but I find them to be quite amusing. Ol' Anwar al Awlaki "Helped recuit would be 'underwear bomber'" Wasn't that guy pretty much incompetent? Couldn't light his Hanes on fire or something? Is his recruitment of such a major failure supposed to be a plus? It doesn't sound like he's a very good talent scout if you're asking me. And Saif el Adel's "Bona Fide" is "Spent nine years under house arrest in Tehran." Wow! So, he's pretty trustworthy. ("Hey, you. Saif. Stay here." "OK.") The fact that Adam Gadahn "Beat up his mosque's chairman" should really go to show how twisted the minds of these folks really are. Religion of peace, perhaps. But they're not practicing THAT religion of peace when they engage in all of their terrorist-y shenanigans.

And the "Best Known For" category cracks me up. Some are impressive, like "1998 US Embassy bombings in Africa" and "Attempt to assassinate Muammar Gaddafi". Those are some stellar terrorist credentials. Anyone who was hiring for that sort of a position would definitely benefit from bringing those folks on board. But come on, Adam! Is he really best known for "Introducing Osama to the mortgage crisis"?! I don't even think that I really know what that means. What'd he do? Hand him a copy of the Wall Street Journal? Did he tell Osama to buy at the peak of the market and then he had to explain to him why his hut was upside down in the mortgage all of a sudden? More importantly, did Osama even care about the mortgage crisis? And if so, why? Not that any of it matters. It's still an extremely weak "Best Known For" if you're asking me.And finally, we're down to their "Trademark". They're all comical. We have Dr. Z and his "Yellow glasses". (I will say that if they're referring to those really big sunglasses that are bigger than your entire head, then they definitely have my attention. Now THAT would be a trademark!) Saif al Adel has "Chin fuzz". He's 51! Can't grow a beard, eh, dude? I guess that would explain the desire to kill Americans. Our men can grow facial hair! Abu Yahya al Libi has his "Florid public statements". That's it? Hell, I have florid public statements. Big whoop. Nasser al Wuhayshi is a "Small fry; under 152 cm". Stupid metric system. Let's see...divide...carry the one...he's 59.8 inches. Just a little under five feet tall. So he clearly has Short Man's Syndrome. And Adam Gadahn? Well, he's the grandson of a Jewish urologist. I don't know how that is supposed to help us at all.

Actually, I don't know how any of this is supposed to help us at all. If these are the choices to replace Osama bin Laden as the Grand Poobah of the sand land terrorists, I'm not that worried. Then again, I wasn't all that worried when Weird Beard was in charge, either.

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Long Live The Newspaper

Are newspapers still in trouble? I think that they are, but I haven't heard much about it lately. I have noticed that newspapers are kind of becoming a little more Internet-y, though. I guess it's their way of trying to keep up. I can't say I don't appreciate their effort, but we have the Internet for that sort of stuff.

Here's a correction that the New York Times felt the need to make note of. I really don't know that any of us would have noticed the error, nor given a fat rat's ass about it. But for those of you who are really sticklers for things like the origin of the name "Orcrist the Goblin Cleaver" (which was apparently what some Mets pitcher named one of his bats), then this correction is for you.

Coming to us courtesy of the Salt Lake Tribune (and my dear friend Julie on Facebook), we have a little blurb about a woman who used to be a stripper, but now does "Pole Dancing For Jesus". I'm pretty sure that she was dancing for Jesus when she was a stripper, but at that time, it was pronounced "Hay-Seuss".

In need for an invisible man? That's right. An invisible man. According to the newspaper announcement/advertisement/crackpot below, one is for hire. And yes, you bet your ass that I have emailed him and inquired as to his location, his rates and his sanity. I'm waiting to hear back. Feel free to send him your own email with your own requests. We can compare quotes.

Today I learned that the Yiddish language Ultra-Orthodox daily newspaper called Der Tzitung felt that their policy of keeping photos of women out of their publication (for fear of sexually exciting Hasidic men, of course) took precedence over the presence of Hillary Clinton in the photo. So they got rid of her. Personally, I think that our way of getting rid of bin Laden was much more impressive than their way of getting rid of Hillary Clinton. I also think that our getting rid of bin Laden was much more necessary than erasing Hillary Clinton from a historic moment. Ok, then.

The picture below isn't from a newspaper, but it's in black and white and I'm trying to extend the length of this post, so it's being included. From 1982, an advertisement for a 10MB hard disk drive for the extremely outlandish price of $3,495 (which I believe was also the MSRP for the Yugo when it came out).

And finally, not because it has anything to do with newspapers, but just because it's been bugging me and I'm hoping that I will be able to find some answers. If anyone knows who the shirt below is made by, I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know. Thanks.

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Don't Call Me Shirley

Well, Leslie Nielsen died yesterday. I'm guessing that right at this very moment, you're thinking that surely, I can't be serious. But I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

But while an unknown portion of the United States mourns this ridiculous actor, their sorrow is nothing compared to that of the Chileans in Chile today. You remember Chile, right? They had a bunch of miners trapped underground for some God-awful length of time before they were miraculously rescued alive. (And I'd like to take this opportunity to mention that while it was all very nice that they were thanking God and all of that, I really would have liked a shout-out to the US, as it was the majority of our technology and expertise that got them out of there in one piece and without having had their bones gnawed upon by their compadres. I'm just sayin'. Now where was I?) They are also, apparently, huge fans of Leslie Nielsen. Behold!

Yep. What you're looking at is the front page of a daily Chilean periodical called Las Ultimas Noticias. That translates into The Latest News (according to Google Translate, which I freaking love). The page which reads "Leslie Nielsen fallecio de una neumonia" and "Repentina muerte de la estrella de "Donde esta el policia?" translates into "Leslie Nielsen died of pneumonia" and "Sudden death of the star of "Where is the police?" I guess that, since that picture is from The Naked Gun, they call it Where Is The Police? That's odd because it's not like you can't translate The Naked Gun into Spanish. Why don't they call it "Agárralo como puedas"? I don't know either, but they don't and he's still dead.

I felt the need to check out other stories on their website to get some sort of a grip on what kind of news they report on, especially if the death of Leslie Nielsen warrants taking up the entire front page over there. I'm still not really sure what they're all about. They had this picture:

And the title or headline that accompanied it read "La esposa del campeon dejo ver sus encantos", which Google Translate says is "The wife of champion left to see its charms". I'm looking at the picture and I'm reading that accompaniment and I'm still not getting it. Nice rack, though. And hey! Before you start judging me for saying that, I'm just going to add that underneath that cryptic description, it also said "Peligroso escote", which apparently means "dangerous cleavage"! Hmm. I'm really wanting to know more about these folks AND about her cleavage. Just HOW dangerous is it?

Then there was this picture:

That was accompanied by "Pas Buscunan se la juega por la vida sana" and "La actriz lanza su página web con audaz foto" which apparently means "Pas Buscunan it plays for healthy living" and "The actress launches its website with bold picture." Well, that's definitely a bold picture. So far, we have dangerous cleavage and a bold picture. Is there anything in this newspaper that doesn't have to do with female physique and (of all things) an unabated love for the newly deceased Leslie Nielsen?

Well, there's this: It's accompanying caption reads "Zafrada cuenta su vida en Internet" and "Tiene su propia página web". Uh-huh. As confusing as that is for me, the English translation didn't do much to clear things up for me when I read it means "Zafra has your Internet life" and "It has its own website". What is Zafra? Or maybe the question should be WHO is Zafra? Is that little boy Zafra? Does Zafra mean leather loafers and courdoroy pants in Spanish? I'm very confused by this entire newspaper and the events upon which they report. I think I'm just going to go back to mourning Leslie Nielsen by watching "Where is the police?" in English.

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Idiotic Things I Read Today

You'd think that I'd be happier, what with the election finally over. Finally, I can have the TV on for more than 5 minutes without being bombarded with an ad by Meg Whitman or Jerry Brown telling me why their version of hell is better than their opponent's. But I'm irritated. I started perusing the Innerwebs this morning and just found idiocy after idiocy. Let's review.

My semi-beloved San Jose Mercury News ran a piece detailing the most awesome victory parade in San Francisco for the World Champion San Francisco Giants after they won the World Series in most excellent fashion on Monday. When describing the size of the massive crowd, the article read: "Those arriving in downtown San Francisco -- where police officers gave crowd estimates ranging from 200,000 to 1 million -- were greeted by gigantic orange and black balloons that bobbed on the traffic signals."

That's the BEST you can do?! Somewhere between 200,000 and a freaking million? OK, that's not really an estimate. That's just pulling numbers out of your arse. Anyone could come up with an estimate like that! What good does that do anyone? That's just a ridiculous way of saying "The crowd was very, very large". You morons.

Then there was an article over at Politics Daily. I'm not going to bag on the writer of the article so much, as I do kind of like what she tends to write. She was probably just having an off day. The point here is that the article focuses on the folks that Sarah Palin endorsed. The title of the article reads "Sarah Palin's Midterm Scorecard: A Winning Record, but Some Key Losses". In essence, it goes on to detail how Sarah Palin supported "...more than 100 conservative candidates during the primary and general elections." Um, OK. I guess she can do that being how she's being whatever it is that she's being these days. (I still haven't quite figured that out yet.) It then goes on to say, "A Politics Daily tally puts Palin's Tuesday successes at 62 wins, 23 losses and seven contests that are still too close to call, with Palin's candidates trailing in five of those races."

Let's do the math. She supported more than 100 candidates. She currently has 62 wins, 23 losses and 7 undecided. That's 92! That's not more than 100. What gives? On top of that, what makes these "wins" or these "losses" Sarah Palin's to absorb? Aren't there a lot of people out there who would support just about any conservative candidate, no matter how wacky they appeared (Christine O'Donnell, I'm talking about you)? I think there are. Since when did the wins and the losses of the conservative candidates fall squarely on the shoulders of Sarah Palin? She's a former half-term governor who once spent a couple of months running for Vice President! (And don't get me wrong. For the most part, I like Sarah Palin. But her endorsement of someone certainly isn't gold by any means and it shouldn't be construed as such.)

And finally, I'm really getting tired of how any time an animal attacks a human, it is made into some sort of sensationalistic news, as if something like that is so shocking and so unheard of that we should all just be in a state of disbelief that it ever occurred. Take this headline from The Huffington Post: "Peter Evershed KILLED by 5 Lions in Zimbabwe." Um, yes. I would imagine that five lions WOULD kill a man.

To begin, I get thoroughly annoyed when the media runs the name of some person afflicted by tragedy in a way that makes the reader feel as if something horrendous has happened to someone that they knew. Does anyone know who Peter Evershed was, other than people who actually knew him? No. He was a 59-year-old businessman from Zimbabwe. But the headline makes the reader initially feel as if they've just read "Brad Pitt KILLED by 5 Lions in Zimbabwe". (And, in this example, it wouldn't be much of a stretch for Brad to have actually been in Zimbabwe. He could have been over there buying another child to complete his collection. They don't have one from Zimbabwe yet, do they?)

See, animals eat meat. Humans are made of meat! Of course they're going to eat a human if they're given the chance. It's a big piece of meat! Why is that so shocking to people? Or maybe it's only shocking to the media. I'm not sure. But in another example of the inexplicable shock that this article tries to convey is when they quote some Zimbabwe guy as saying, "We appeal to everyone to exercise extreme caution. Animals have become extremely unpredictable." Wait. What now?

Have become? Animals have become unpredictable?! They're animals! Aside from that, since when is a wild animal eating human considered "unpredictable"? Seems pretty predictable to me. If you showed anyone a picture of a human standing in the wild with a bunch of lions walking around and you asked that person to guess what might be about to happen, I'd guess that nine times out of ten (with the tenth being the moron who wrote the article) the person you are asking would correctly infer that the chap in the picture is about to become lion lunch! HOW is that unpredictable?!

I've had enough. I'm going to go watch a little TV without a political ad in sight to try to make myself feel better.

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Something For Everyone

From something in Ireland called the Evening Herald, this headline has a little bit of something for everyone. I really appreciate them going all out to entice the reader. Most excellent.

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