You know why I don't have children? Well, there are several reasons. Most of which are better than the one I'm about to mention right now. I would just like trolling the little guys too much. I'd be like Calvin's dad from Calvin and Hobbes. It wouldn't be good. I'd have very misinformed and confused children. I think that Jimmy Kimmel must be the same way. Check out the video below of what happened when he asked people who had kids to let them open one Christmas present a couple of weeks early. The catch is that the "present" wasn't exactly anything that the kids would have wanted, nor was it really anything that would be normally be called a "present". The kids were pretty good sports, though. That poor little boy that got the activity book for a girl! He was not impressed. Click here if the video doesn't play.
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Husbands and husbands
Look! I still made it in time for this to count as Tuesday's post! Twenty minutes to spare. Ah, you don't know. You gave up on this a long time ago, didn't you? I don't blame you. I'm sorry it's this late.
What we have here is a little boy meeting his first married gay couple. They're a couple of dudes and that throws him for a couple of seconds, but after he kind of grasps what they're telling him, he doesn't seem to have much of a problem with it. After all, he does invite them to play ping-pong with him. And the kid is right when he says that it's "funny" that there are two guys married to each other. He's not used to that. They're his very first "husbands and husbands" encounter and I think that he doesn't really give a fat rat's ass about it. I don't know if his parents are doing something right or if he's just a really cool kid on his own, but I'd play ping-pong with him any day.
What we have here is a little boy meeting his first married gay couple. They're a couple of dudes and that throws him for a couple of seconds, but after he kind of grasps what they're telling him, he doesn't seem to have much of a problem with it. After all, he does invite them to play ping-pong with him. And the kid is right when he says that it's "funny" that there are two guys married to each other. He's not used to that. They're his very first "husbands and husbands" encounter and I think that he doesn't really give a fat rat's ass about it. I don't know if his parents are doing something right or if he's just a really cool kid on his own, but I'd play ping-pong with him any day.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Wave At The Bus
All parents do things that embarrass their children on occasion. In my household, that translated to daily. But there are several different levels of embarrassment. Most of the time, it's just parents being parents that get the biggest reactions out of their offspring. But other times, there's just pure, purposeful fun that the parent really enjoys and the kid claims to not enjoy, but probably secretly does. There's this guy in Utah that totally fits into the last category.
According to an article in the not surprisingly Mormon Deseret News, when Dale Price found out that his 15-year old son's school bus passed right by their house every morning, he decided that he'd stand outside and wave at the bus. Every day. Dressed in a different costume. Behold!
He takes his craft very seriously. And he's not just trying to embarrass his son. Well, kind of. It's his way of getting involved with his son. Dale said "...it was "a way of letting him know that we really care about him, but do something a little different." He described it as "a father's way" of saying I love you." And he showed his love for 170 straight school days. Here he is as Pocahontas:
Dale chronicled every single costume that he wore on his blog Wave At The Bus. Here he is as an ice fisherman:
Even when he was sick, he managed to have something out there. One day, he was out there with a cardboard cutout of Legolas from Lord of the Rings. When he had a fever one morning, Legolas stood in his place. Behold!
As far as his son Rain goes, he got used to it, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't embarrassing. "I'm not going to reward him for this; his reward is seeing my embarrassment." That's a smart kid with a good dad is what that is. Rain also noted "You don't want to see your dad dressing up in a wedding dress, waving at you on the bus." Good point. Behold!
Yeah, he's right. No one wants to see their dad like that. There wasn't any mention in the article as to WHERE Dale managed to get all of these costumes. He didn't repeat at all, so that makes for 170 different outfits. And he didn't appear to skimp at all! Seriously, who has an adult-sized Robin outfit lying around their house at the ready? This guy! Behold!
Or a Mario outfit?
And helmets! The guy seems to have an abundance of helmets! I'm not talking motorcycle helmets. I'm talking helmets from Star Wars...
A Transformer...
Nacho Libre...(OK, technically, that's not a helmet. But it is still a little odd that he had that outfit handy.)
Seriously, check out the guy's blog. It's as amusing as it is heartwarming. Kids need dads! Kids need dads that are involved. It doesn't have to be dressing up in a costume every day to wave at your kid's school bus, but it has to be something. Anything!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
It's Dead And It's Funny
This one speaks for itself. It's a little girl whose dog has just killed a squirrel. Or, as she says it, a squeel. Yep. Cute kid playing with a dead rodent. Try not to crack up right around 1:30 when she starts making the dead creature's head bob up and down. Apparently, there are people out there (ie, on the Innerwebs) who are freaking out that this guy would let his daughter play with a dead animal. Hey, kids need to strengthen their immune systems. I'm not saying that they should always go about it by toting around furry animal carcasses, but a few germs are only going to help them in the long run. It wasn't foaming at the mouth or anything. She'll be fine. And if she isn't, then all of the people who were freaking out about it can say "I told you so", which really seems to be what they want, more than anything for some odd reason. Anyway, here's a cute little girl playing with a dead squirrel. Enjoy!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
More Depressing Poll Results
Well, yesterday I posted what I thought were the most depressing poll results ever. Today, I have equally depressing poll results to share with you. The only good news that I have is that these poll results came from the exact same place that yesterday's poll results came from. Thus, we can hold out a sliver of hope that it's just asshats that read the NY Daily News that feel this way. But really, I'm hoping that what Scott said yesterday was true and that Skynet thing becomes self aware and kills us all.Back to the NY Daily News where we learn about how New York is making all sorts of new
regulations for summer camps. You remember summer camp, don't you? If you're like me, you probably look back on summer camp much more fondly than you did when you were actually in attendance. Oh, don't get me wrong, camp was OK. But it certainly wasn't the best thing that ever happened to me. (I'm still waiting for the best thing to ever happen to me to finally freaking happen. I hope it's not much longer. I don't know how much more I have left in me after reading stories like this one.) The point is that there were lots of games at summer camp. And since New York is now regulating summer camp, those games will be no more. Why? Because they're too dangerous, of course.
regulations for summer camps. You remember summer camp, don't you? If you're like me, you probably look back on summer camp much more fondly than you did when you were actually in attendance. Oh, don't get me wrong, camp was OK. But it certainly wasn't the best thing that ever happened to me. (I'm still waiting for the best thing to ever happen to me to finally freaking happen. I hope it's not much longer. I don't know how much more I have left in me after reading stories like this one.) The point is that there were lots of games at summer camp. And since New York is now regulating summer camp, those games will be no more. Why? Because they're too dangerous, of course.
What sort of games were they offering that put children's lives in peril? Why, games such as (brace yourself) freeze tag, Wiffle Ball, kickball, dodgeball, Capture the Flag, Steal the Bacon and Red Rover are "...deemed dangerous in new state regulations for day camps." Freeze tag is dangerous?! They do know that no one actually gets frozen, right? This isn't some sort of cryogenic camp. Who is doing this and why? According to the article it is the Health Department. "The Health Department created a list of supposedly risky recreational activities - which also includes more perilous pursuits like archery, scuba and horseback riding - in response to a state law passed in 2009." Umm, wait. What summer camp offers scuba diving? And archery is ONLY dangerous if you stand in front of the target. (And if you are standing in front of the target, I'm kind of thinking that you deserve to get shot with an arrow. I guarantee you that it would only happen once.)It would appear that "The state Camp Directors Association backed
the 2009 law, and Health Department spokeswoman Diane Mathis said the list of risky activities was crafted with help from camp groups." Risky activities. That would be fine if they actually included risky activities in their list. Wiffle ball isn't risky! Oh, and if you're wondering what they don't think is risky, that would include Frisbee, tug of war and sack races. Sack races?! There's a risky activity! Trying to hop around in a burlap sack? That never ends well. How did sack races make the list but Red Rover has to go? Because people are morons, that's how.
Now, they did interview two fairly reasonable people who agreed that banning these activities was ludicrous. But, they also interviewed one softheaded individual, a one Kim Wainwright (whose head, I'm assuming, is softer than melted butter), who has a 5-year old and who said, "Kids these days are kinda brutal so I can see those games being dangerous...I agree with it." No mention of teaching kids not to be "kinda brutal". No mention of the games not being dangerous in the first place! Just don't let them do it. Don't try to help them have fun. Don't try to teach them that getting hurt is a part of life. Just don't let them do it. Good Lord....
the 2009 law, and Health Department spokeswoman Diane Mathis said the list of risky activities was crafted with help from camp groups." Risky activities. That would be fine if they actually included risky activities in their list. Wiffle ball isn't risky! Oh, and if you're wondering what they don't think is risky, that would include Frisbee, tug of war and sack races. Sack races?! There's a risky activity! Trying to hop around in a burlap sack? That never ends well. How did sack races make the list but Red Rover has to go? Because people are morons, that's how. 
Now, they did interview two fairly reasonable people who agreed that banning these activities was ludicrous. But, they also interviewed one softheaded individual, a one Kim Wainwright (whose head, I'm assuming, is softer than melted butter), who has a 5-year old and who said, "Kids these days are kinda brutal so I can see those games being dangerous...I agree with it." No mention of teaching kids not to be "kinda brutal". No mention of the games not being dangerous in the first place! Just don't let them do it. Don't try to help them have fun. Don't try to teach them that getting hurt is a part of life. Just don't let them do it. Good Lord....
And my frustration doesn't end with just her. No, I did something that I shouldn't have. Why couldn't I have just learned from my experience yesterday and not taken the poll? Why? I don't know either, but I did. I took the poll. Here is the question: "Do you agree with the Health Department that Wiffle Ball, kickball and Red Rover are dangerous?" Here are your choices (even though you know how it's going to turn out):
Yes, kids could get seriously hurt playing them.
No, they're childhood classics that every kid can enjoy.
I'm too stupid to make a rational decision on this issue. (Again, I made that up and the real choice was "I don't know"."
I hope you're sitting down because eighty seven percent answered "Yes, kids could get seriously hurt playing them." Eighty-seven percent. Eighty-seven percent think that kids shouldn't play kickball or dodgeball or freeze tag because they might get hurt. Eighty-seven percent. We're scroomed. So completely scroomed.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Bully For You!
There's a video that's been making the rounds on the Innerwebs recently and I find it completely awesome. Essentially what we have is your typical school bullying situation, only this time, it's a little weasely kid picking on a much bigger kid. And the much bigger kid takes it...for a while. And when he's done taking it, he is done taking it. The picked on kid wrestles around with the little jackass for about all of four seconds before he gets a good enough grip on him to pick him up and body slam him into the ground. It's beautiful. I've watched it several times and it just doesn't get old. I think that my favorite part is watching the kid try and figure out how to stand up and walk again as he stumbles around in circles wondering what in the hell just hit him. And even better is how the picked-on kid just stands there for a minute and makes sure that he's done. He really could have let him have it some more. The little a-hole is lucky that he didn't get the real pounding that he had coming to him. But it's still a great thing to watch. Bullying isn't cool. I'm all for this approach to getting kids to stop. If the video below doesn't load or whatever, click here and watch it on YouTube.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Dear Uncle Bryan
You know, it's never too late to share things that you learn with the ones that you love. No matter what the time, no matter what the topic. You might be the holder of a vestibule of information that needs to be opened up so that the world might benefit from the wealth of information which it holds. I'm guessing that's what this little girl was thinking when she sent her Uncle Bryan the letter below. Thank goodness for the guy on Reddit who posted it and said, "My friend's niece sent him this letter. He thought it only belonged on the the refrigerator. I thought it belonged on the Internet." It absolutely belongs on the Internet. This is what the Internet was made for! Well, this and porn. Behold!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Going Completely Bonkers On Christmas
How was your Christmas? Good? Did you get that one gift that you were really hoping for? The one that you didn't know what you'd do if you didn't get it, but that you thought was so elusive that you'd never actually hold it in your very own two hands? Then when you did finally get it, did you completely flip out as if you had just won the lottery? We're talking going completely berserk. Well, the kids in the video below did go completely berserk. It's amazing how a simple item like a Wii or (back in the day) a Nintendo 64, could cause the vocal range of children to reach supersonic levels that only dogs can hear. I guess it's nice to see kids that excited about something that they've received. It kind of makes you think that they appreciate it and are grateful to have received it. Thus, their odd way of celebrating becomes amusing. (Though the kid who ran all the way down the hallway just to run all the way back and simply jump in the air was disappointing. I was expecting him to slide down that floor in his socks or do some cool dance or something. Nope. He just jumped. Once.)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
There's Nothing Wrong With Books
I should explain something about the clip I've included below. See, I'm trying really hard not to hate the kid in the video. And I'm guessing that your first inclination will be to hate the kid in the video. After all, that was my first inclination, so I can't imagine why yours would be any different. But the kid is only three. Three years old. And really, I completely blame the parents for how this kid has turned out so far. I know, I know. It seems judgmental. It probably is in its own way. But there's really nothing wrong with a little judgment in certain situations. This is one of those situations. What we have is a small child unwrapping gifts last Christmas while
the proud parents who are responsible for raising this child to get to this point are watching and videoing their precious little snowflake. The child was, well, surprised at one gift that he opened. He apparently had some preconceived notions about what Christmas is/was all about (and those notions don't include books). Those notions being that it's all about him and what he gets and he had better like it otherwise, you're going to hear about it. And the parents are going to just laugh and laugh and laugh as to make sure that this sort of behavior is encouraged in the future. Let's take a look, shall we?
the proud parents who are responsible for raising this child to get to this point are watching and videoing their precious little snowflake. The child was, well, surprised at one gift that he opened. He apparently had some preconceived notions about what Christmas is/was all about (and those notions don't include books). Those notions being that it's all about him and what he gets and he had better like it otherwise, you're going to hear about it. And the parents are going to just laugh and laugh and laugh as to make sure that this sort of behavior is encouraged in the future. Let's take a look, shall we? 
See what I mean? I really want to dislike the kid, but I have a hard time because he's only three, for cryin' out loud. I have absolutely no problem what so ever disliking the parents, however. Laugh it up a little bit more there, Mom. Make sure your kid knows how cute you find it for him to be ungrateful. And you too, Dad. Make sure your kid sees you laughing over there so that he can throw a fit every time he doesn't like something. Look, I realize that the kid is three. But I also realize that he shouldn't be turning up his nose at a gift.
If he is old enough to understand that he is going to get presents on Christmas, then he is old enough to have the concept of gratitude instilled within him. He is at least old enough for a little talk about how much Santa likes books and how much Santa wants kids to like books and that those books from Santa are very special. Something. I don't think he needs a full blown lecture. He's three and it's Christmas morning. But I do think that he doesn't need an audience of laughing parents. He knew that they thought it was hilarious and he just went with it. I'm sure that reaction is going to go over real well if he ever has his friends over for a birthday party and one of them, God forbid, gives him a book. I'm sure that his little friend will love being screamed at by the kid telling him that books aren't for birthdays.
If he is old enough to understand that he is going to get presents on Christmas, then he is old enough to have the concept of gratitude instilled within him. He is at least old enough for a little talk about how much Santa likes books and how much Santa wants kids to like books and that those books from Santa are very special. Something. I don't think he needs a full blown lecture. He's three and it's Christmas morning. But I do think that he doesn't need an audience of laughing parents. He knew that they thought it was hilarious and he just went with it. I'm sure that reaction is going to go over real well if he ever has his friends over for a birthday party and one of them, God forbid, gives him a book. I'm sure that his little friend will love being screamed at by the kid telling him that books aren't for birthdays.Knock it off, parents. Do your job (it's right there in your name) and parent your child.
Monday, June 7, 2010
What's With The Macaroni And Cheese?
Parents. Well, parent in this case. What is wrong with some of them? Well, what is wrong with this one in this case. There are a number of things wrong with the mom (or supposed to be adult caretaker). These will be pointed out by the narrator of this disturbing clip, a one Tosh.0. (That's pronounced Tosh Point Oh. I don't know why. I don't know what it means. He is wearing a stunning purple sweater vest, however.) But really, the biggest question here is: "What would lead anyone to think that this is OK?" The second most nagging question here would be: "Is pouring dry Kraft Macaroni and Cheese all over yourself supposed to be sexy?" ('Cause it's not!) Yeah, I don't get that part at all. If you do understand the mac n'cheese bit and can explain it to me, please do. But I'm talking about a logical explanation. I don't want an obvious explanation along the lines of "Just look at her!" I am looking at her! And it hurts my eyes!
| Tosh.0 | ||||
| Guess What Happens Next - Bad Mom Strips for Kids | ||||
| ||||
Thursday, September 3, 2009
17...18...19?
Are you familiar with the Duggar family? They're the folks over in Arkansas who have a rather large family. We're not talking Brady Bunch or Eight is Enough or anything that amateurish. No, the Duggars would be more like Eighteen is Enough. Only it isn't. Enough, that is.Meet Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. Jim Bob, 44, and Michelle, 43, live in Arkansas and are the parents of eighteen children. On purpose. I don't know why exactly. Something about blessings and gifts from God or something like that. I don't quite get how being the host to an alien creature living in your body for nine months before it forcefully expels itself through your uterus in a process akin to that of shoving a pot roast through your nostril can be called "a blessing", but to each their own? I guess? (Why are God's "gifts" always children? Why can't God's "gifts" be regular gifts? Like iPods and Playstation 3s?)
While I can't imagine that it's the best thing in the world to have a family that large, I can't imagine it's the worst thing in the world, either. On top of that, the Duggars are totally self sufficient and do not rely on any sort of assistance from any governmental or charitable entity. And while I may hate to admit it, aside from the prairie-dress fashion that they seem to sport, they seem rather normal. As normal as you can be when you're living a life that's quite similar to that of being permanently assigned to a dorm or barrack, that is.
So Michelle gave birth to Jordyn-Grace on December 18, 2008, an appropriate date for the eighteenth child of the family. (Eighteen. Good Lord.) Most people who have heard of these folks had probably just barely started to wrap their head around THAT concept when BAM! Next thing you know, number 19 is on the way. Wait. What?
Correct. Michelle Duggar is now pregnant with number 19, now a mere 9 months after shooting out number 18. She is apparently due in March of 2010 (which is the next time that I go to the dentist. See the difference here? Yeah.) OK, so...let's see...had the 18th in December....due in March....9 months gestation...subtract the 2...carry the one....June! They did it in June! SIX months after giving birth, she's pregnant again. AND is happy about it. Most folks? Ready to hurl themselves off of a cliff, that would be correct. But not these folks. Nope. Happy. Go figure.
Man, Jim Bob must have sperm that are like the Michael Phelps of the reproductive world. (Why, yes, I do picture them with little goggles and swim caps. Why?) And Michelle's eggs must make for easy targets. As big as barn doors from the perspective of the begoggled spermatozoas, that is.
The Duggars have two sets of twins in that mix: 19-year olds Jana and John-David and 10-year olds Jedidiah and Jeremiah. (Did I mention that all 18 of the kids have names that start with the letter "J"? I didn't? They do. All of them. Joshua, 21; Jill, 18; Jessa, 16; Jinger, 15; Joseph, 14; Josiah, 13; Joy-Anna, 11; Jason, 9; James, 8; Justin, 6; Jackson, 5; Johanna, 3; Jennifer, 2, and Jordyn-Grace, 8 months.) So that means that with the 18 kids, she's only been pregnant 14 times. That's a total of 126 months!
That's twelve and a half years!
Holy canoli! That's a ridiculously long time to be pregnant! But then I started thinking about it and what if Michelle Duggar wasn't human (and after 19 pregnancies, I realize that one could actually wonder, but we have to assume that she is). And with a little help from MSN Encarta, I've realized it would be a frightening, not to mention crowded, scenario. But if she were the right kind of animal, it could definitely free up some space over there.
A few of the animals that have much longer gestation periods than humans are the the Asian elephant (645 days), the sperm whale (490 days), the giraffe (430 days), and the Bactrian camel (410 days). So she'd only have about 6 Asian elephant children right now and around 8 sperm whale children not to mention about 9 giraffe kids and 9 Bactrian camels. Get that woman an ark! NOW!
Holy canoli! That's a ridiculously long time to be pregnant! But then I started thinking about it and what if Michelle Duggar wasn't human (and after 19 pregnancies, I realize that one could actually wonder, but we have to assume that she is). And with a little help from MSN Encarta, I've realized it would be a frightening, not to mention crowded, scenario. But if she were the right kind of animal, it could definitely free up some space over there.
A few of the animals that have much longer gestation periods than humans are the the Asian elephant (645 days), the sperm whale (490 days), the giraffe (430 days), and the Bactrian camel (410 days). So she'd only have about 6 Asian elephant children right now and around 8 sperm whale children not to mention about 9 giraffe kids and 9 Bactrian camels. Get that woman an ark! NOW!But the problem would arise if she were an animal with a much, much, MUCH shorter gestation period than the nine months that humans have. What if she were a finch? A finch has a gestation period of only ELEVEN days. ELEVEN! That's not even TWO weeks! The Olympics lasts longer than a finch pregnancy! You can't even get through the song "The 12 Days of Christmas" if you're a pregnant finch! You would have NO drummers drumming!
A cryin' shame that would be. It would also be about 415 finches! It would be almost an equal number of opossums as well, as their gestation period is 12 days. Mice incubate other mice for between 19 and 21 days, which would produce 228 mice, almost 13 for every Duggar child. And that same amount of time could see the production of 218 chipmunks, 152 rabbits, 130 squirrels and 108 kangaroos! (Kangaroos only have a 42 day pregnancy. 42 days! I'm guessing it has something to do with the pouch, but I'm not sure what exactly. Maybe after 42 days just the head pokes out and the rest keeps on growing in the pouch? Yes, I'm totally speculating! I know nothing!) There could also be 72 raccoons, 71 wolves, 65 mink and 51 pumas. You're gonna need another ark.
All I can say really is that as long as the Duggars can support themselves, so be it. Enjoy! Have a good time! I can't remember what it is exactly that they do for their money, but they seem to have enough of it to raise their 18 kids. Maybe they need some sort of a family business. Something all of the kids could participate in. Maybe like a Starbucks or something. First, they're going to need a location with a lot of traffic. Hey, I know! Michelle's uterus.
