Incorrect Delivery Technique

Hey, FedEx guy! I know that it's Christmas time and that you're all busy with a ton of packages and everything, but relax. There's no need to be throwing packages that contain computer monitors over the fence! One, it's rude. Two, I'm pretty sure that your job description has something in it about not throwing things that you're delivering. Just a guess. I've never worked for FedEx, so it's entirely possible that I'm wrong. But I have a hard time believing that the tossing of packages over a fence is not frowned upon within the FedEx establishment. Check it out below. Not cool, FedEx. Not cool at all.

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Darwini Missed One

I don't know how Darwin missed the guy in the video below. He (Darwin, that is) must have been on vacation when the moron in the video below decided that it would be a good idea to feed (yes, feed) a crocodile. In a swamp. By means of wading in and holding some sort of tasty treat above the crocodile's head. And somehow, the guy ends up in one piece at the end of it. I did not see that coming. Maybe this guy just got lucky and happened upon the world's oldest crocodile. Or maybe it was a depressed crocodile and just didn't have the gumption to chomp the guy into his lunch. Whatever it was, I'm just going to guess that the guy in the video won't make this his last attempt at feeding the wild crocodiles by hand. Thus, I'm pretty sure that it won't be long before I show you a video of this same guy after Darwin got wind of this. I always wonder just how stupid some people can be. And then I see stuff like this and I realize that the answer is very. Very stupid. (Oh, and if the video doesn't load, click here.)

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How Not To Move A Mattress

Today, we have a case of an event gone awry. But not just any event. It's an event which you wonder why it ever took place to begin with. It's an event which more than one person needed to concur that it was a good idea. It's an event in which both of those things seem completely impossible. They're definitely hard to explain.

Take the case of a one Timothy Lee Walker, 48-years old (and old enough to know better) and a one 42-year old Stella Thomas (also old enough to know better). According to MSNBC, one or both of these dimwits bought a mattress and were taking it home themselves. Naturally, they had neither the vehicle, nor the equipment with which to transport a mattress from one place to another. (Why is it that nine times out of ten, if someone is moving a mattress, they do not have a truck? I've never understood that. It's like some weird unwritten law of nature that if you don't have a truck, you're going to have to move your mattress. It's practically guaranteed.)

Now, most people, when transporting a large object that they have to put on top of their vehicle, tend to use some sort of tethering utilities to secure said object to said vehicle. Those can range anywhere from rope and twine to nylon cords and bungee cords. And that's just to name a few. You know what is noticeably absent from my list? That's right. The human body. See, Mr. Walker decided that a good idea for keeping the mattress on top of the vehicle was for him to lie down on top of the 1996 Ford Explorer while Ms. Thomas drove the moron and the mattress to their destination. You want to guess how that turned out? Poorly, that is correct.

Surprisingly, Mr. Walker "...fell from the vehicle when...Stella Thomas, 42, rounded a curve, causing the mattresses to slide off the roof". I don't know how they thought that was ever going to work. Mr. Walker's condition was such that he "...was taken by helicopter to a hospital". At the writing of the scant article (which is probably about as extensive as Mr. Walker's problem solving skills) "His latest medical condition wasn't known". Well, while his latest medical condition wasn't known, I'm guessing that his latest mental condition could probably be guessed at with a great degree of accuracy. What a maroon. I wonder how she ended up getting the mattress home after he went to the hospital?

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Toads On Craigslist

Yesterday, we had what might have been the shortest "sex scandal" in Congress ever. Seriously, the only way that you knew that anything had even happened is because suddenly the guy resigned. And it was only 3-1/2 hours after the whole thing came out! Then when you hear something like that, that's when you get to hear why he resigned. It's all just very odd. And I really don't think that it's much to resign about. But then again, at least we won't have to hear about it for weeks on end. I hope.

Here's the deal: There's a New York Representative named Chris Lee. Now, Mr. Lee is a married bloke and he wanted to have an affair. From what I can tell, he did not have an affair...this time. But then again, when you're caught doing something, you're rarely caught on your first time out. Whether or not he had affairs before trying to have this one is beyond me. (Translation: He's been cheating on his wife for a while now. Pig.)

See, he was trolling Craigslist looking for a hookup and ended up being enticed by "...a 34-year-old single woman of "black/Irish" descent, who had advertised online for a "financially & emotionally secure" man" according to the NY Post. (Black/Irish descent? Begorrah, M-F-ers! Yeah, that joke really works best if you use an Irish accent. It's pretty good without it, but the accent really hits it home.) She apparently had written: "Will Someone Prove To Me Not All CL [Craigslist] Men Look Like Toads". Oh. I see. So, you're too good for Craigslist, and yet you're on Craigslist. This woman is bothering me already.

Representative Einstein replied to said ad with: "Hi, Hope I'm not a toad. :)". I can only assume that is when he sent the following picture of himself. Behold!

Good Lord, sir. What is that look on your face? Were you recently anesthetized before taking that pictures? And seriously, when are people going to learn how to take pictures with their phone without actually having to point the phone IN the mirror?! What the what?! I really have no answers. He apparently also included in his reply (along with that sexy, sexy photo): "I'm a very fit fun classy guy. Live in Cap Hill area. 6ft 190 lbs blond blue. 39. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint." Oh. Sure. Yeah, you seem classy. Because nothing says "classy" like a married member of Congress taking a shirtless picture of himself in his bathroom. Oh, yeah. It reeks of class. Reeks. And I guess that "promise not to disappoint" means...can get an erection? I'm a little unclear on that part, so I'm really just surmising at this point. I can't think of much else, though.br>

Of course, we all know now that he is not 39 and he is not a lobbyist. He is 46 and he was a Representative for the state of New York. He was also married at the time. Whether or not that plays out for very long after this fiasco, we'll just have to wait and see. Then again, if I was his wife, it wouldn't be so much about the affairs as it would be about his way of going about them. "Here I am in my bathroom without my shirt. Am I a toad?" Ugh. What a tool.

He did send along an explanation of the photo that he sent, saying: "I just took this one . . . I'm relaxing at home." You're just relaxing at home? Who the hell relaxes at home like that? In their bathroom, still wearing their dress slacks and (probably) their loafers and completely shirtless? Apparently, he wants someone to believe that he does. The woman who had originally posted the ad had similar questions to mine, asking him: "So do you always send shirtless pics to women from cl?" Lady, you're trolling for dudes on Craigslist! You can knock off the little coy act. You're no saint yourself, you know. And while that question was pretty bad, his answer is even worse.

The dude answers her and explains: "Sorry. It's all I had." It's all you had?! You took a picture with your cell phone! What, you cell phone doesn't work any more? The days of those sort of excuses are gone. Long gone. There is NO excuse for not sending someone a current picture of yourself. There's also NO excuse for not sending someone a picture of yourself where you are be-shirted. You could have taken a picture of yourself while your shirt was still on! Does he not get this sort of logic? He apparently did not! Even if you put the cell phone part aside, why would the ONLY picture that you would have of yourself be one where you don't have on your shirt?! Maybe he's just routinely shirtless. "I don't even know where to find a shirt. It's been so long. I haven't worn a shirt in years!" What a maroon.

And that's that. Once word of him and his shirtless stupidity got out (when the chick figured out who he was because he was dumb enough to use his real name, she went running to Gawker.com and I'm guessing sold them her story just like you'd expect a gem like her to do), he resigned. It's over. But there is one little side note I'd like to leave you with. Back in 2009, "...shortly after he helped pass the Student Internet Safety Act" (you read that right), he "...wrote an op-ed piece warning kids about the dangers of the Internet." He wrote: "Responding to what may seem like a friendly e-mail . . . can have serious consequences...Private information and images can so easily be transmitted to friends and strangers alike." That's good advice, son. Good ad-vice.

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Where Is The Logic?

There seems to be some ridiculous rumor going around about Facebook. No, no, it's not the usual crap about how they're going to change their page layout or anything like that. No, it's completely idiotic and I cannot believe that it has gained ANY traction at all, let alone enough traction to make it the top search over yonder at Google Trends yesterday. (That's right. The top search. A Congresswoman gets gunned down, a bunch of other people get shot, a bunch of other people get killed, and all people want to search for is G-D Facebook. We're so doomed.) So what is it that had people all a-flutter over the Innerwebs yesterday? Someone started a rumor that Facebook was permanently shutting down on July 15, 2011. Wait. What?

That's right. There is a rumor going around that Facebook, the multi-gazillion person social networking platform which is poised to make a gazillion dollars more than the gazillion that it has already made, is going to permanently shut down. And I don't know if I can editorialize on this insanity any better than the fine, fine folks over there at Urlesque did when they went with the headline: "Facebook Is Not Shutting Down on March 15. That's Stupid and You Should Feel Stupid." Very stupid.

The instant panic that seems to sweep the Internets (that's right; all of them) whenever something is mentioned about Facebook is disconcerting to me. But what's really disconcerting to me is that so many people couldn't simply noodle through the many reasons why Facebook would not be shutting down...ever. People really couldn't figure out that it was a hoax or a rumor on their own? They had to double check online with The Google? Wow. With those sort of problem solving skills, I'm surprised that they could even figure out how to use The Google. This is what you people care about? We're so scroomed.

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It's Not Her Fault

While people are still running around trying to "figure out" what caused the loser who went on a shooting rampage in Arizona to go on said rampage, I'm going to mention something to you that I really didn't think would ever come up in the conversation. I mean really. In fact, when I heard this particular aspect voiced, I was actually stunned. I was actually surprised at how dense some people actually are. Me. Surprised. At the stupidity of people! I know! It seems unimaginable! But yet, it happened.

It's pretty simple and I'm just going to put it out there the way that I read it. Over at ABC News, it actually says "Facebook executive Randi Zuckerberg bluntly asked, "Is Sarah Palin to blame?"

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Um, what now? Sarah Palin? To blame? For shooting? She didn't shoot anyone! How is this Sarah Palin's fault? This Randi Zuckerberg needs a helmet. One of those industrial strength ones that I was talking about yesterday. Sarah Palin? Are you dry shaving me?! For cryin' out loud, what is wrong with you?!

I don't know what this whole Sarah Palin phenomenon is, but it needs to be studied by someone more capable than me. (Yes, I know. It's a tall order to fill. Moving on!) Let me say this in very simple terms. Sarah Palin is not responsible for the shootings in Arizona. Sarah Palin is not responsible for a lot of things. I am tired of hearing about Sarah Palin. I don't understand why she is either so beloved or so hated by so many. I really don't understand why she won't go away! She was barely a governor for half a term and an unsuccessful Vice Presidential candidate. Why does that give her so much attention after the fact?! Please. Let her go away. Fine, if her kid wants to dance in some TV dancing contest, that's one thing. But please let her go away.

Wow. If you hear about this sort of violent act taking place and your first thought is that it is somehow Sarah Palin's fault, there is something wrong with your thinking. There's also probably something wrong with you, but that's a whole different story. Also, if you are the sort of person that thinks that Sarah Palin is to blame for things like this (or for anything, really) please, for the love of God, please do not vote. Ever. (And don't "Rock the Vote", either. That was a bad idea from the get go.) Please just go about your daily business. You can even go about your daily business and continue to blame Sarah Palin for everything. That's fine. But for the love of God, please do not vote. Ever. And make sure you get a snug fitting helmet. You're going to need it.

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Some People Are Really Committed To Their Cause

On Thursday, those in the House of Representatives spent roughly two hours reading the US Constitution. What is slightly less remarkable than the document itself is the fact that it has never been done before. I don't know why I find that amazing, I just do. And for some reason that is currently unclear to me, they read a "...from the amended version of the founding document" according to Politicio. I don't know why it was amended. I mean, if you're going to spend at least two hours reading something, you might as well just read the whole thing the way it was written. Then again, not a whole that goes on up there on Capitol Hill makes any sense to me, so I don't know why this would.

Now, you would expect such a reading to be rather uneventful. But thank goodness, it was not! Nope, there was a whack job in the peanut gallery listening to all of this and waiting for just the right moment before making her crackpotness evident to all in attendance. A one 48-year-old (and old enough to know better) Theresa Cao of New York sat and waited until Rep. Frank Pallone (D-N.J.) was reading and Article II, Section 1 came up. Do you want to guess what section that is? Go on. I'll give you a minute. Constitution. Crackpots. Protesting. Not yet? What if I threw President Barry into the mix? Ah-HA! You figured it out, didn't you? The aforementioned jackwagon is a birther. Behold!

Good Lord. She even has a sign. Why am I surprised? Moving right along...Article II, Section 1 of the Constitution is the part which requires "...that only a "natural-born citizen" may be president". Yes. We know. But Theresa Cao seized that opportunity to start shouting, "Except Obama! Except Obama! Help us, Jesus!" Yes. Help us, Jesus, indeed. Help save us from folks like Theresa Cao. And as an officer removed her from the gallery, "...she yelled out "My name is Theresa." Thank you, nutjob. We have made a note. Here's another picture of her, complete with her megaphone. Wow, she's really into this isn't she?

I don't know how many times I have to say this, but I guess it's going to be a few more. President Barry isn't a Muslim and he isn't a Kenyan. He's a freaking socialist! If you're going to protest anything, for the love of God, protest THAT! Help us, Jesus, with that! For cryin' out loud. The video of said disturbance is below. If it doesn't work, clicking on the link to Politico above will take you to it and hopefully it will work there. Enjoy!

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First Bad Tattoo Of 2011

That didn't take long. We have our first idiotic tattoo/amusing mugshot of 2011 already! I know! Can you believe it? Well, when you consider that the perpetrator in this instance has already been arrested over fifty times, it's really not that hard to believe after all. (It's also not hard to believe that we don't get any explanation as to why this guy has been arrested over 50 times and is still out and about. But that's because the media still sucks just the same in 2011 as it did in 2010. I'm glad that we didn't have to get more than three days into the new year before that was apparent.)

It's your typical unnecessary death due to an idiot. From CNYCentral.com we learn a couple of things. One of the things that we learn is that they need a better copy editor over there, as the address in the story is first reported as 1315 North Salina Street and is later, in the same article, reported as 1513 North Salina Street. But the other stuff we learn is that there was a party and some people got into a fight and one of the people decided to get all stabby on the other guy and killed him. Real nice.

The only good that can possibly come from something like this is that the scumbag who did this will (hopefully) finally be off the streets for good. Why someone who has been arrested over fifty times is still freely wandering about is beyond me. The only other good that I can think of is that we can make fun of him in his mugshot and his stupid, stupid tattoo. Behold!

That is a one asshat Malcolm Dame. Are we surprised that he's wearing a s***-eating grin on his face? Are we surprised that he's wearing a wife beater tank top? Are we surprised that he has a tattoo that says "Only God Can Judge Me"? I don't think that we're surprised at any of that. (OK, I'm a little surprised that his tattoo runs perfectly along the neck of the wife beater. You can't tell me that wasn't planned out that way.) But I do think that he will be a little surprised when he finds out that it isn't just God that can judge him.

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You Can't Take Just ONE Day?

I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving. At the very least, I hope you had a nice Thursday. But you know who didn't have a happy Thanksgiving? That's right. Angelina Jolie. She hates it. She hates Thanksgiving. Wait. What now?

I've heard of people hating a variety of different holidays. I'm not a particularly huge fan of Arbor Day. That doesn't mean I'm against planting trees. I just don't see the point in having an entire day dedicated to the subject. Now, Thanksgiving? That's a little different. I can totally see the point in taking a day to give thanks, spend it with people you like (usually) and get paid for the day off. (Thank you FDR for mandating that it be held on the fourth Thursday in November.) But, surprise! Angelina Jolie doesn't see it that way.

According to the fine folks over there at PopEater, a one Rob Shuter tells us that "Angelina Jolie hates this holiday and wants no part in rewriting history like so many other Americans...To celebrate what the white settlers did to the native Indians, the domination of one culture over another, just isn't her style. She definitely doesn't want to teach her multi-cultural family how to celebrate a story of murder." Oh, for cryin' out loud.

And continuing alone in true Angelina style, the article goes on to say that "Angelina gets so grossed out by Thanksgiving that she has made sure her family will not be in America this year on Thursday." Good Lord.

Listen, Angie...through the history of time, across the world, across the entire world, civilizations have been formed by one group of people taking over and/or slaughtering another. This is not unique to America. If there's one thing I cannot stand it is those who feel so enlightened and feel as if they are acting so politically correct, but they're completely wrong about their basis for doing so. But that aside, it's not the point.

The point is that it is a day to give thanks. Maybe if she felt so strongly about it, she would use this day and her immense (yet, unfathomable) star power to do something about it. Then again, considering that she's wrong about her position on this particular topic, it would make her look like a damned fool to do so. That might explain some of it, but I don't think that it really does.

Here's someone who has the entire world on a platter placed before her and she can't see the point in a day to give thanks? Be thankful for your family? Be thankful for what you have? Be thankful for what your life is or is not? One day? She can't get into that? All right then. I knew there was a reason that she's always bugged me.

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Keep Your Second Wife OFF Of Facebook

There's dumb and then there's just asinine. But what is it when you've gone past dumb and past asinine? Are you just so incapable of understanding anything at all and how it works that there isn't really a name for it? Or is the word that I'm looking for as simple as "idiot" or "moron"? It probably is, but this just seems like it require just a little bit more than either one of those. It's almost like the don't do the story justice, especially when the story is how a woman found out through Facebook that her husband had another wife. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to WKYC in Cleveland, the woman, "Megan" as she preferred to be called for the story because she didn't want her real name used (nor did she want her humiliation to be spread far and wide and directly attributed to her), married her husband in 2005 in a ceremony in Italy. (I have no idea why WKYC thought that was relevant to the story, but they included it and so I did the same. If only they had questioned the relevance as I had, they might not have felt the need to include it at all.) After that "She knew her husband took a lot of business trips. Now she knows why." And while that's not entirely accurate (it's not like he was really on business trips, WKYC. Try to pay attention, would you?), his being gone a lot was explained when "Her relatives pointed her to the other woman's Facebook page where Megan discovered multiple photos of her husband and the woman together." Oh. Whoops.

Yeah. Whoops. Now, it's not like "Megan" didn't have some questions about what was going on in their marriage. "Megan said she first became suspicious when her husband claimed to have been in China and even brought back gifts for the kids yet his passport had been at home the entire time." It's unfortunate that the story doesn't delve more into how that was deal with in Megan's household. It seems a little difficult to explain, as that passport for international travel is pretty necessary. (Unless you're going to the United States, in which case just come on in like millions of other folks do every year.) But the media is crap these days, so what did I really expect?

I'll tell you what I expected. I expected people to be a little more discerning about what goes on their freaking Facebook page. But I guess this sort of thing happens all the time. What a weak act you people are. Seriously. You don't have the guts to just leave someone or to tell them that you're leaving? Instead, you leave it up to them to "accidentally" find out through pictures that were posted on Facebook? Seriously. Would you not know that there are people on your Facebook who are relatives or friends with the one of the other people involved in this and who will be seeing what is on your Facebook page? Or that of the whore that you're sleeping with? What is wrong with you people?

And it's not like just having the affair and having those pictures posted was enough for this guy and his extramarital bimbo. No, "A few weeks later, dozens of wedding photos also showed up on Facebook showing Megan's husband and his new bride." Dude. You're already married. You think that isn't going to come out at some point? Let me rephrase that, you moron. You think that this isn't going to come out at some point AFTER pictures of your SECOND wedding are posted on Facebook while you're still MARRIED? How can one be so dense and yet somehow manage to keep themselves alive through adulthood? It's a mystery.

Naturally, Megan wants a divorce. Her husband, not being all that bright to begin with, says "he doesn't believe he needs a divorce because he learned after the fact that the marriage paperwork was never filed correctly in Italy and therefor they were never married." Tell you what. How about if you don't get a divorce, but you let Megan go all Lorena Bobbit on you? That seems fair.

Look, I don't know about you, but I cannot imagine having an affair if I was in a relationship, let alone if I were married. It sounds simply awful to me. Not because of the deceit that is obviously present when something like that is going on, but because of the effort. It sounds positively exhausting. Trying to keep stories straight, trying to keep lies straight, trying not to get caught, trying to keep everyone happy, etc. Good Lord, why on earth would anyone voluntarily enter into such a mess? And this guy got MARRIED. TWO wives! Isn't one wife enough?! Isn't one wife plenty?! Isn't one wife more than enough on some days?

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The Internet Wants A Word With You

You know what I'm a big fan of? People getting their come-uppance, that is correct. People being put in their place and learning that the universe does not revolve around them is a close second. Both of those two occurring at the same time? Priceless.

The Internets, while fun places for social networking, taking in media and information, as well as being a vast warehouse for oodles and oodles of porn, can be ugly places sometimes. And if you're a stuck up, smack talking, seriously delusional 11-year old, you're going to learn the ugly sides of the Interwebs in ways that you did not know were possible. And it will be pretty entertaining, I'll tell you what.

Take, for example, the case of a one Jessi Slaughter (not her real name, but catchy, no?). Jessi is 11. Jessi, for some reason, likes to post videos of herself on YouTube while she's talking smack and acting as if she's all that. (She's 11. How "that" could she even be?) Judging from these videos, this kid is in need of some serious parenting. That would include them monitoring what in the world she is doing on the computer. Just for starters. See, she posts videos like the one below of herself. Now, listen, I will acknowledge that it's hard to watch. I want to punch people like her. (Oh, yeah. I forgot. She's only 11. OK. Let me rephrase that. I want to bend down and punch people like her. Better?) So I'm going to provide you with a little transcript of her rantings. Granted, it's not as hard to take when you aren't listening to her squeaking, self-important voice droning on, but it's still annoying as can be. And look, I know it's kind of long. But it's fairly necessary to really understand what we're dealing with. Here we go...

"This is Jessi Slaughter here and this is to all of you f**king haters. OK. Guess what? You guys are bitches. You know what? You don't phase me. (That statement will prove to be sorely untrue later on.) I'm just doin' this just so you can...tell. I read the comments. I read the messages. (something inaudible) But you know what? I don't give a f**k. I'm happy with my life, OK? If you can't, like, realize that and stop hating, then you know what? I'll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushie. OK? 'Cause you hater bitches? You're just like, jealous of me. I'm just saying. You're jealous of me because ONE. I'm more pretty than you. I have more friends. More people like me. I have more fans. And...um...yeah. And all that sh*t. I can't think of any more right now because I'm brain dead and it's like, 10:19 in the morning and I just woke up like...midnight? OK, but it's like early in the morning, so I'm like brain dead right now. So I can't think of anything. But, haters...stop hatin' on me. You're just jealous 'cause I'm perfect and you're not. Nobody else can be this pretty with no makeup on. None what so ever. Oh, and by the way, I did get my lip pierced. Here's the hole. My mom made me take it out because I'm getting new ones which are going to be closer in. But, um, just sayin' stuff. Stop hatin' on me. I'm just a normal girl who is perfect in every way and you're just jealous. Why am I making all these gestures? I'm just weird. I know that. But, you guys are just jealous because I have a perfect boyfriend. I do. And you guys are just jealous because I have three. (Insert weird deformed hand gesture here.) So, yeah. Jealousy much? So...um, I'd just shut your mouths before you make a fool of yourselves again. So, yeah. Oh! And you guys? And my fans? Please hate on the haters. But, um, and I'm not nine. I'm eleven. And I don't consider myself 'scene' or 'emo'. That's just something I put on my videos and I just say I'm that so that people can be like all...'Cause if I say what I am, people will be like...'cause I'm not 'scene'. I'm not 'emo'. I'm nothing! I don't even choose labels. I don't. I do not. And if you guys like consider and, um, begin like label me and sh*t, then you guys are the actual posers. I'm not a poser. How can I be a poser being myself? So, yeah. And don't try and make smart comments at me because I've got like a sh*tload of comeback. (You'll see her 'comeback' later. It's not pretty.) So, and if you hate me, you know what? Suck my non-existing penis, OK? Just suck it. Get AIDS and die. You know what? Fist yourself to your little bestiality magazines, get a paper cut on your f**king little c**t or d**k and hope the bitch falls off. OK? Get AIDS and die. Suck a dick and die. Anyway, Stickydrama sh*t. I will put some sh*t in the crotch bar. So, um, a link to the sh*t that's been happening on Stickydrama lately involving me and my homie, Daddy. He's not here, but I'm pointing for some reason. What the f**k? But, um, some bullsh*t that's been going on between us, but we got it all settled. My mom been talkin' to him. Thank God for my mom. Yeah, but, um, I'm gettin' my coon tails. F**k yeah. Coon tails. Um, why am I making these stupid things? I'm gettin' coon tails and I'm gonna get my snakies and...what else is going on in my life? But, um, I'm going to wrap up this video before it starts like...um....goin' wrong. But haters? F**k you. It's a big f**k you to all those haters. K? Love ya all. (Weirdly blows a weird kiss to the webcam.) Bye. Check out my Stickydrama. (Points down. Ewww.)

See what I mean? Hard. To. Take. (By the way, what in the hell are coon tails? Like Davy Crockett?) And everyone hates that kind of person. I think that we hate that kind of kid even more, but people don't want to admit it because it's a kid. I'm not sure what difference that makes. A douchebag is a douchebag. There's no age limit. At least, I'm not imposing one. And I am not the only one who feels that way. I'm certainly not the only one who felt that way.

On the Internet, there are some sites where people will band together for a cause, any cause, and do the cause proud. That's not to say that the cause is anything to be proud of, but sometimes, it most certainly is. In the case of this chick, the folks over there at 4Chan.org's /b/ board, and Tumblr got the word out to hammer on this chick. Because she's 11 and apparently under zero parental supervision, it was likely that she had posted a bunch of her personal information on the Internets. According to the gawking folks over at

Gawker,"People started circulating Jessi's real name, phone number, address and links to all her social networking accounts." And if that wasn't enough, "...pranksters spammed her Facebook and MySpace accounts, had pizzas delivered to her house and were considering sending call girls off Craigslist to the address." Ooohhh. Ordering up hookers. Nice touch, 4chan. Nice touch, indeed!

And what did all of that get us? That got us another video of hilarity, this time involving the likes of Jessi sobbing and blubbering because her life has been ruined AND the likes of her father screaming out absolutely hilarious sentences to the webcam. He's sporting the weird pedophile moustache and comes across as Billy Mays on cocaine (which is what killed him). That's right. He's screaming to the Internets. Quite amusing. Allow me to provide you with a transcript of that as well.

Jessi: "OK, you guys. This is Jessi Slaughter here and.."
Dad: "You know what?! ..."
Jessi: "...and I just wanted to say that you guys have ruined my life!"
Dad: "I'm going to tell you right now..."
Jessi: "This is from...my Dad..."
Dad:"Her father! You bunch of lyin', no good punks! And I know who it's comin' from! Because I BACKTRACED it! And I know who's emailin' and who's doin' it! And you'll be reported to the cyber police! AND the state police! And they had better write one more thing (I think he means that they had better NOT write one more thing, but he's a crazed lunatic so it's understandable that he has no idea what he's saying.) or screw with my computer again, you'll be arrested! End of conversation! From HER FATHER! And if you come near my daughter, guess what?! Consequences will never be the same! (Uh, what does that even mean?) You lyin' bunch of pricks!"
Jessi: "See? My house has been like this. Ever since people have been posting stuff about me....I can't live like this..."
Mom: "I want to live in PEACE."
Jessi: "I have toured(?). I am literally...I have been having emotional breakdowns one after the other. For the past like...three days."
Mom: "You've been sick! You can't sleep! You can't eat! Because of them f**kers!"
Jessi: "Yeesss! You guys! This is really tearing me apart right now. I've been crying my eyes out if you haven't noticed that. Just stop hating. Do you have to ruin my f**king life?"

Awesome. I must address the father's rant. First of all, I love how he makes it clear that he is her father. Can I assume that he thinks that this is a bunch of other eleven year olds that has made his life a living hell? (By the way, it would have been nicer if he had stepped up and acted like a father before his daughter told the Innerwebs to F-off. I'm just sayin'.) Second, he "backtraced it"? What does that even mean? He doesn't seem like he's bright enough to backtrace his steps out of a room, let alone someone's email. Third, who are the cyber police? Are they like the dream police? Do they live inside of my head? Do they come to me in my bed? What on earth is he talking about? And finally, what consequences will never be the same? How will they be different? And different than what? Consequences? That doesn't sound so bad, really.

What can we learn from all of this? Plenty. First of all, parents? Know what your kids are doing online. Does your 11-year old kid really need a computer in their room? I'm not so sure that they do. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they don't. Does this 11-year old kid need a computer in her room? Absolutely not. Kids and webcams seem to be a bad idea if you're asking me. Ever hear of parental control software? Try using it. But before you do that, how about you bone up on your parenting skills in general, OK? If you're raising a kid to have the sort of attitude that ol' Jessi has there, you're doing something wrong. And I certainly hope that Jessi can learn something from all of this. People don't like the kind of person that she appears to be. People don't like getting "called out" by a snotty 11-year old. Remember during her initial screed where she said "I've got a sh*tload of comeback"? THAT was her comeback? Sobbing uncontrollably because her life has been turned upside down by the Innerwebs? You're eleven, sweetie. Knock it off.

I know that some might think that this was a bit harsh. And while it was harsh, I'm not seeing much of a problem with it. The kid was totally out of line, not to mention annoying as hell. People like her make other people's lives miserable...and they enjoy it. Of course, they don't enjoy it quite so much once their own life has been made miserable. And with some people, they need something like this to knock them back into reality. Granted, this shouldn't be necessary because there should be things like responsible parents to keep the kid in line. No one wants a society with a bunch of little a-holes running around and shooting off their mouths. Look at it this way: Lesson learned. One down. Many more to go, but still, one down.

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You're Not Being Kidnapped; You're Drunk

You know, there's being drunk and then there's being drunk. But apparently, you can get so drunk that you're completely unaware of what is going on around you. On top of that, you're also so obliterated that you're completely unable to process anything going on around you. That's when you call 911 and tell them that you're being kidnapped. That's right. Kidnapped. By those nice police officers giving you a ride home. Wait. What?

Correct. According to the fine folks over yonder at NJ.com, this intoxicated individual, whose name was not released (and for which this individual is probably thanking God for repeatedly) had been found by law enforcement officers when they were investigating a different call. At some point and for some reason, they decided to transport the man home. Now, to do so, they had to put him in the back seat of the police cruiser. Seems reasonable.

I don't know about you, but I've been in a police car before. (I'm not saying whether it was the front or the back, either.) And I can tell you that it looks nothing like a regular car. In fact, it looks pretty different from most cars except cars that are police cars. It wouldn't be all that hard to discern that one was in a police car even if one was completely obliterated. I mean, even if you couldn't figure that out from the interior of the vehicle, you'd think that the uniformed chaps driving the thing might be a clue. Nope. Not for our hero here.

Nope. As he was "...being driven to his southern New Jersey home by troopers" the man "...called 911 and claimed they were kidnapping him." Now, can someone explain to me why every single recording of someone calling 911 because the McDonald's was out of McNuggets is available for public consumption, but something as highly entertaining as this has not yet been released?! Why is that?! I need to hear how THAT went down!

The article states that "After making the fake 911 call, he continued to be disorderly despite repeated warnings." What's more disorderly than calling 911 and saying that you're being kidnapped when a couple of state troopers are giving you a ride home because you're completely plowed? I can't imagine and the article doesn't say. It's quite unfortunate if you're asking me.

I'm sure that you can guess how this whole thing worked itself out, right? You got it. "When the troopers pulled over and tried to arrest him, he resisted but was eventually restrained and taken back to the barracks. He was charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and obstruction." That man is a genius. Pure genius, I'm telling you. Oh, but how I wish they had done a breathalyzer test on him. I'd like to know exactly what one's blood alcohol content has to be in order to not recognize that some policemen are giving you a ride home and you are not being kidnapped (in what must have seemed like a technologically well-outfitted gang of kidnappers).

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