From something in Ireland called the Evening Herald, this headline has a little bit of something for everyone. I really appreciate them going all out to entice the reader. Most excellent.
Showing posts with label headlines. Show all posts
Showing posts with label headlines. Show all posts
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Wacky Things I Read Today
Lots of weird things that were masquerading as news headlines today. Here's a sampling:
From Fox News: "Mario Bello Feels 'Really Sad' for Rush 
Limbaugh After His Haiti Comments". Now, if you're like me (and who's to say that you're not since you're reading this after all), you read that and your first thought was "Who?" Apparently (and this shouldn't surprise you) she's an actress. I actually remember her from a stint she did as one of the main characters on ER a bunch of years ago. But that's all I remember her from (and that's only because she's hot). Why is Fox News giving substantial space on its website about the opinion of Mario Bello? I'm not sure. It would appear that she's done a lot of work with an organization called Artists for Peace and that seems to have to do with Haiti, but other than that, I'm not sure why we're supposed to care. Perhaps the link that they included: www.artistsforpeaceandjustice.com.
Limbaugh After His Haiti Comments". Now, if you're like me (and who's to say that you're not since you're reading this after all), you read that and your first thought was "Who?" Apparently (and this shouldn't surprise you) she's an actress. I actually remember her from a stint she did as one of the main characters on ER a bunch of years ago. But that's all I remember her from (and that's only because she's hot). Why is Fox News giving substantial space on its website about the opinion of Mario Bello? I'm not sure. It would appear that she's done a lot of work with an organization called Artists for Peace and that seems to have to do with Haiti, but other than that, I'm not sure why we're supposed to care. Perhaps the link that they included: www.artistsforpeaceandjustice.com. 
From People Magazine: "Robin Wright's New Role: The Face of Gerard Darel". Again, I say to you, "Who?" Not Robin Wright. I know who Robin Wright is. She's the really hot, soon to be ex-wife of a one Sean Penn (the ex-Mr. Madonna). But apparently, she also "...debuted this week as the latest and surprising new face of French leather goods manufacturer Gerard Darel." Oh, thank God! FINALLY! Someone to bring a new face to the French leather goods manufacturer Gerard Darel! I was so tired of the old faces of the French leather goods manufacturer Gerard Darel! This really is progress, is it not?! Um, really? I don't know. WTH? 
Now, when Nancy O'Dell abruptly quit her Access Hollywood gig that she had been doing for years, I'm sure that some of you were thinking, "I wonder what she'll do next!" That's what some of you were thinking. The rest of you were thinking "Who the hell is Nancy O'Dell?" But regardless of what you thought she would do or wouldn't do or had done, I don't know that any of us could have seen this coming. Again, from the wonder that is People Magazine, we learn "Nancy O'Dell to Start Line of Outdoor Furniture." Um, what now? Outdoor furniture? You mean patio chairs? Lawn chairs? Croquet? Oh, wait. That's not furniture. At
least, I hope you're not using it for furniture. But never mind what is or is not patio furniture, why in the world is Nancy O'Dell designing it and should we give a crap about it? I don't think that we do! It's not like I'm going to choose a Nancy O'Dell lawn chair over a...uh....(Psst! Quick! I need the name of another person who designs lawn chairs! Hurry! What's that? NO ONE knows the name of ANYONE who designs lawn chairs?!) Look, the point is that it's weird that People Magazine makes it out to be like this is something that people have been clamoring for. There's been nor clamor, nor will there ever be any clamor. It will be clamorless.
least, I hope you're not using it for furniture. But never mind what is or is not patio furniture, why in the world is Nancy O'Dell designing it and should we give a crap about it? I don't think that we do! It's not like I'm going to choose a Nancy O'Dell lawn chair over a...uh....(Psst! Quick! I need the name of another person who designs lawn chairs! Hurry! What's that? NO ONE knows the name of ANYONE who designs lawn chairs?!) Look, the point is that it's weird that People Magazine makes it out to be like this is something that people have been clamoring for. There's been nor clamor, nor will there ever be any clamor. It will be clamorless.
It must have been a slow day at People because they are just bursting with all kinds of crap today, including that "Chelsea Clinton Is Spinning for Haiti". According to the article, Chelsea is a regular at SoulCycle in Manhattan and she sent out a flyer or a note or some sort of blurb informing people that she and two other people that you've never heard of will be hosting a 90-minute Spin-A-Thon (if you will) in order to raise money for the folks over their in the Haitian rubble. In case you were wondering, "spinning" is the new fancy schmancy term for "riding a stationary bike". Front row bikes for this event are $1000 and 2nd row bikes are $500. All other bikes are $100. If this is something you're interested in, for God's sake, keep it to yourself and head on over there. I'm assuming space is limited or something like that. So if you want to pay a thousand bucks to ride on a stationary bike next to Chelsea Clinton, you'd better get crackin'.From the huffy folks over at The Huffington Post, we get a glimpse of what it would be like to
really tell your spouse "F-you", as we read that "Dennis Hopper, who is reportedly facing his 'final days surrounded by family and friends,' filed for divorce yesterday from his wife of 14 years, Victoria Hopper". Ah, yes. Nothing says "I hate you and do not want to go to my imminent grave still married to you" like filing for deathbed divorce. You must really despise someone if, in your final moments, one of the things that you find it necessary to tend to is filing divorce papers. Wow. (By the way, I really like Dennis Hopper and I'm sad that he's that's sick.)
really tell your spouse "F-you", as we read that "Dennis Hopper, who is reportedly facing his 'final days surrounded by family and friends,' filed for divorce yesterday from his wife of 14 years, Victoria Hopper". Ah, yes. Nothing says "I hate you and do not want to go to my imminent grave still married to you" like filing for deathbed divorce. You must really despise someone if, in your final moments, one of the things that you find it necessary to tend to is filing divorce papers. Wow. (By the way, I really like Dennis Hopper and I'm sad that he's that's sick.)
Still at The Huffington Post, we have Jessica Simpson quoted as saying "I Almost Puked Next To Skinny Models". Well, good thing she didn't. Even if she had, it's not like she would have been alone. From what I hear, there's a whole lot of puking that goes on in the modeling world.
And finally, from the folks across the pond at The Guardian, we get to hear all
about how the Mr. Gay China Pageant was cancelled. Actually, we get to hear more about how life is for a few of the eight (yes, eight) contestants. One contestant, a one Steve Zhang (really? Steve?) was explaining how when you come out to relatives, they really don't want to believe you. He said, "When I finally told my uncle I had a boyfriend he wasn't surprised but said, 'Well, that's not a long term thing." (Now, you can I both know that there is a pun in there somewhere.) And Steve also added. "They think having fun with boys doesn't mean you love them; you will still get married in the end." Um, well, I'm sure that there's something that's going to happen "in the end", but I don't think that it's going to be marriage. Maybe that uncle should see what happens "in the end" so that he'll know that it isn't marriage. I guarantee you, he'll be rather surprised about what does happen "in the end".
about how the Mr. Gay China Pageant was cancelled. Actually, we get to hear more about how life is for a few of the eight (yes, eight) contestants. One contestant, a one Steve Zhang (really? Steve?) was explaining how when you come out to relatives, they really don't want to believe you. He said, "When I finally told my uncle I had a boyfriend he wasn't surprised but said, 'Well, that's not a long term thing." (Now, you can I both know that there is a pun in there somewhere.) And Steve also added. "They think having fun with boys doesn't mean you love them; you will still get married in the end." Um, well, I'm sure that there's something that's going to happen "in the end", but I don't think that it's going to be marriage. Maybe that uncle should see what happens "in the end" so that he'll know that it isn't marriage. I guarantee you, he'll be rather surprised about what does happen "in the end".Tuesday, November 3, 2009
One Liner Headliners
So....many....isssues....So....much....stupidity....Must....comment....on all......
From Reuters we have the headline "Clinton wishes he had left White House "in a coffin". " Dude, after that whole Monica Lewinsky thing came to light, if Hillary had had her way, I'm pretty sure you would have left the White House "in a coffin". (It's really kinda nothing short of a miracle that he didn't, you know?)
Still over at Reuters (but this time in Sydney), we're presented with the
revelation that "Thinking negatively can boost your memory, study finds". Why do they always need a study for this sort of stuff? Who cannot remember absolutely every single way that they have been wronged or screwed over in their entire life? Can't remember what happened yesterday when everything was fine, but I'll tell you in excruciating detail about the time twenty years ago that I got stood up. 
From Business World Online: "Jackson fans say film covers up grim truth". Why, yes. Yes, I imagine it does. I highly doubt there would be much allure for a film that shows the guy getting sedated with the equivalent of elephant tranquilizers every night while his barely competent physician plays solitaire on his iPhone. It's OK to cover that up. We're good with it. We know.
Over at People Diane Sawyer lands an interview with a thumped on pop-star when "Rihanna Breaks Silence About Chris Brown". Hopefully we'll also learn why she chose a hairstyle that is reminiscent of Jar Jar Binks.
Still at People, after Ashlee Simpson-Wentz was cut from the cast of Melrose Place, we learn that "Jessica Simpson Calls Melrose Place 'Crap' ". So your sister gets cut from the show and suddenly it's "crap"? Shocking. Simply shocking. (Why yes, she did tweet her feelings about all of the "crap"-ness!) 
From The Huffington Post (and the files of "Former Celebrities No One Gives a Crap About"), "Jodie Sweetin: I Faked Sobriety, Hid Drug Use". OK, then. And we're supposed to believe you....why? You know what? It doesn't matter. See, we don't care about you. Please go away.
And finally, from the fil
es of What Hath We Wrought? Over at The Huffington Post, it wasn't the headline "Willie Aames: Financial Ruin Led to Sleeping Under Bushes" that caught my attention. It was that despite making over a million dollars a year, he still ended up filing bankruptcy and sleeping 'neath shrubbery and in parking garages. Yeah, sad. Whatever. If you piss away a million bucks to the point where you're permanently camping, that's your problem and I have nary an iota of sympathy for you. But here's the part I found odd. "...now he's becoming a financial adviser, he reveals to Entertainment Tonight in an interview to air Monday night." Wait. What now? 
The guy who was sleeping under bushes and in parking garages because he pissed away the million dollars plus that he made yearly? That guy is becoming a financial adviser? For whom? MC Hammer? Gary Coleman? Mike Tyson? Kim Basinger? Wesley Snipes? Who in the hell would hire this guy as their "financial adviser"? Whatever. Shouldn't he be dating Jodie Sweetin or something?
Friday, June 12, 2009
Should He Be Wearing That?
I've been following the efforts dedicated to the recovery of human remains and debris from the Air France 447 crash. Since there hasn't been a major-major crash in about eight years (thankfully) I don't really have any recent memories to compare this recovery effort to. So these questions are based purely upon my internal "WTH" mechanism, which can go into overdrive sometimes. At first, when it was realized that something was definitely amiss with said 
plane, it was being reported as "Air France jet vanishes" or "Contact lost with Air France jet". I'm more OK with the 'contact lost' descriptor than I am with 'vanishes'. Vanishes? Like 'poof!'? I don't think that it 'vanished'. I never did think that it 'vanished'. Pretty much, from the beginning, when you hear a story like this, you know, unfortunately, that it crashed. You also know, pretty much, that it didn't POOF! vanish.
plane, it was being reported as "Air France jet vanishes" or "Contact lost with Air France jet". I'm more OK with the 'contact lost' descriptor than I am with 'vanishes'. Vanishes? Like 'poof!'? I don't think that it 'vanished'. I never did think that it 'vanished'. Pretty much, from the beginning, when you hear a story like this, you know, unfortunately, that it crashed. You also know, pretty much, that it didn't POOF! vanish.
It was a few days after said 'vanish-ment' that I started seeing headlines like "Air France: Missing plane likely crashed." Really? Now, this was the same day that prior headlines with "Air France flight missing mid-flight." were rampant. Likely crashed? Why jumping to conclusions so soon? You sure you want to rule out "sucked out of the atmosphere by an alien craft" or "rendered invisible by magic moonbeams" so soon? It hasn't even been a day yet. You sure you want to go that route? Of COURSE it crashed!
Look, I'm not trying to be insensitive here, but really, what other options are there? W
hen was the last time that a plane disappeared from radar that did not crash? Don't give me the whole 'Miracle on the Hudson' dealio, because while that plane ended up making an emergency landing, if it hadn't been for Captain Sullenberger, that plane would have ended up crashing. When it disappeared from radar what was it doing? Crashing, that is correct. So why all of the "likely crashed" scenarios making the headlines second instead of first? I don't know. Do they think that "plane missing" is going to alleviate the fears of the friends and family of those on the plane? I don't think it is! That's all I need! To have in my head that a relative or a friend of mine is suddenly a participant on a real life version of 'Lost'! Actually, I think I'd prefer "Can't find the plane, prepare for the worst."
hen was the last time that a plane disappeared from radar that did not crash? Don't give me the whole 'Miracle on the Hudson' dealio, because while that plane ended up making an emergency landing, if it hadn't been for Captain Sullenberger, that plane would have ended up crashing. When it disappeared from radar what was it doing? Crashing, that is correct. So why all of the "likely crashed" scenarios making the headlines second instead of first? I don't know. Do they think that "plane missing" is going to alleviate the fears of the friends and family of those on the plane? I don't think it is! That's all I need! To have in my head that a relative or a friend of mine is suddenly a participant on a real life version of 'Lost'! Actually, I think I'd prefer "Can't find the plane, prepare for the worst."
Do I think Amelia Earhart 'vanished'? I think she crashed. Just because she was never found doesn't necessarily mean she 'vanished'. 
Then came th
e announcements that they had found debris. Buoys that would be from the plane in the event of unexpected contact with the water were found. Cargo pallets were found. A LARGE oil slick in the middle of the ocean was found. White debris, which was never explained, was found. Seats and things that would have been from the inside of the cabin were found. Great! That means that they should be able to find the rest of the wreckage, right? Yes, but only if all of those things that they found were actually from the Air France plane. Which they weren't.
Then came th
e announcements that they had found debris. Buoys that would be from the plane in the event of unexpected contact with the water were found. Cargo pallets were found. A LARGE oil slick in the middle of the ocean was found. White debris, which was never explained, was found. Seats and things that would have been from the inside of the cabin were found. Great! That means that they should be able to find the rest of the wreckage, right? Yes, but only if all of those things that they found were actually from the Air France plane. Which they weren't. What?! Not from the plane?! Well, then where the hell were they from then!? Buoys that are from airplanes and are in the general vicinity of where the plane 'vanished' are not from that plane? How do you figure that? WHAT ARE THEY FROM?!?! I don't get it.
And while I don't understand how these recovery operations work, I do find them fascinating. I love the pictures of the guys doing all of the work out there in the ocean. I love the ocean and it scares the crap out of me at the same time. I have a buddy (who's likely reading this right now. Hi!) who works with the ocean and she went freaking snorkeling in it in the middle of nowhere last year! On purpose! So while I could never do that, I find it fascinating that others can (and do!). That's why I love the pictures. But this one baffled me. Behold!
First of all, holy cats. That's the big ol' tail they're standing on. It's so odd to see people standing on things in the water that should not be in the water. But I digress. One of those things is not like the others. Can you spot the one? Let me help you. Behold!
I believe that man is wearing a Speedo! Yes, that is a Speedo. WTH?
Since when do recovery divers wear Speedos? Was he vacationing and just decided to come along for the ride with the other divers? A wayward triathlete, perhaps? Is that Michael Phelps? I don't know, but he's in a Speedo and it just doesn't seem right. I mean, it's not wrong, but you have to admit that it's a little bit out of place, yes?
If anyone knows why Speedo-Man is there, please let me know. It's things like this that keep me up at night.
