It's Just Rain!

The weather is changing. And that can only mean one thing. Stupid ass suggestions from local media outlets on what to do in the case of weather.



Look, I live in an area where the climate is pretty mild. It rains periodically from about October through at least April. So for six months out of the year, it rains. And for the other six months, it doesn't rain. I know that sounds asinine of me to say it like that (you know, because it's such a simple concept that even my cat could understand it and I don't even have a cat), but it's all in the spirit of how local news media seem to think that everyone is completely retard with little to no capacity for short term memory.




This is seriously what I had to hear today: "With the rains that are forecast for the next couple of days, it would be a good idea to stay inside. When venturing out, consider using an umbrella if it is raining."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

No joke. I swear. It's as if it has never rained before, none of us have ever heard of rain and the consequences are dire. And by the way, this isn't even considered a "storm". It's just going to rain. And all hell is apparently going to break loose when it does.

I guess I just don't want to accept that those sorts of forecasts are tailored for a specific group of people that, despite my depression and disbelief, actually do exist. I can tell because for some reason, whenever it rains, they all feel the need to get in their cars and drive as if they are in the Great Blizzard of some year in which there was a great blizzard. They act as if they are driving on sheets of glass. They have their nose about two inches away from the windshield and their hands are in a death grip lock on the steering wheel at the 10 and 2 positions. And if you think that they're doing all of this in a speedily fashion, you would be wrong. 45mph on the freeway TOPS when it starts raining again. It really does wonders for the ol' blood pressure, let me tell you.

I wish that I understood this fascination that folks have with the water that falls from the sky. The power that it has to dumb people down to where they're mouth breathing morons who are terrified of a little precipitation is beyond me.

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Dunn For

When I'm finally done on this planet (and some days, that could not come soon enough), I'd like to be remembered for some of the good stuff that I've done. (Hey! I've done plenty of good things! Don't judge! What have YOU done?) I mostly try to keep the stupid things that I've done completely under wraps. And I'm hoping that when I do finally go, it isn't due to one of my stupid things.

Do you know who Ryan Dunn is? He is apparently one of the chaps that participated in MTV's Jackass movies. You remember those movies. They're the ones where a group of guys spend the entire movie just doing really stupid and really dangerous feats. Turns out, he doesn't just do stupid things when he's making a movie or a TV show. He does them in real life, too. Well, he DID them in real life. And the last one that he did, according to NBC Philadelphia, was to drink a whole bunch (that's him on the left in the picture above that he tweeted before the wreck) and then get into his Porsche and drive it at ridiculous speeds until he flipped over a guard rail, causing the car to burst into flames and kill Ryan and his passenger. Smart, eh? Yeah, not so much. Here's a picture of his car after the wreck. How they figured out it was a Porsche to begin with is beyond me.

But here comes the part about remembering. See, I was vaguely aware of the Jackass franchise, but I never spent any time watching it. And quite frankly, I had never even heard of Ryan until this happened. So everything that I learned about his life, I learned from reading about it on the Innerwebs. I read one particular highlight repeatedly. And according to TMZ (and a bunch of other sites), "34-year-old Dunn appeared in all of the "Jackass" movies -- famously shoving a toy car into his rectum in the first flick back in 2002." Um, what now?

THAT is how he is going to be remembered? As the guy who shoved a toy car up his arse?! Good Lord, man. Does anyone really want to be remembered for shoving anything up them? (If you're thinking about a Richard Gere joke right about now, just stop. That's most likely not even totally true.) Maybe he was a really good guy when he wasn't sending Hot Wheels to the land of no return. I have no idea. I'm sure that his family and friends will miss him. (I'd like them to be a little bit angry at him while they miss him since he would most likely be alive had he not decided to get "over-served" and then drive a Porsche at unthinkable speeds along a winding road at 2:30am.) Choose your actions wisely. (ie, Don't purposely insert die-cast vehicle into your rectum.) You never know. One of them might be the thing that people are talking about after you're gone.

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How Not To Move A Mattress

Today, we have a case of an event gone awry. But not just any event. It's an event which you wonder why it ever took place to begin with. It's an event which more than one person needed to concur that it was a good idea. It's an event in which both of those things seem completely impossible. They're definitely hard to explain.

Take the case of a one Timothy Lee Walker, 48-years old (and old enough to know better) and a one 42-year old Stella Thomas (also old enough to know better). According to MSNBC, one or both of these dimwits bought a mattress and were taking it home themselves. Naturally, they had neither the vehicle, nor the equipment with which to transport a mattress from one place to another. (Why is it that nine times out of ten, if someone is moving a mattress, they do not have a truck? I've never understood that. It's like some weird unwritten law of nature that if you don't have a truck, you're going to have to move your mattress. It's practically guaranteed.)

Now, most people, when transporting a large object that they have to put on top of their vehicle, tend to use some sort of tethering utilities to secure said object to said vehicle. Those can range anywhere from rope and twine to nylon cords and bungee cords. And that's just to name a few. You know what is noticeably absent from my list? That's right. The human body. See, Mr. Walker decided that a good idea for keeping the mattress on top of the vehicle was for him to lie down on top of the 1996 Ford Explorer while Ms. Thomas drove the moron and the mattress to their destination. You want to guess how that turned out? Poorly, that is correct.

Surprisingly, Mr. Walker "...fell from the vehicle when...Stella Thomas, 42, rounded a curve, causing the mattresses to slide off the roof". I don't know how they thought that was ever going to work. Mr. Walker's condition was such that he "...was taken by helicopter to a hospital". At the writing of the scant article (which is probably about as extensive as Mr. Walker's problem solving skills) "His latest medical condition wasn't known". Well, while his latest medical condition wasn't known, I'm guessing that his latest mental condition could probably be guessed at with a great degree of accuracy. What a maroon. I wonder how she ended up getting the mattress home after he went to the hospital?

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Wrong Knob! Wrong Knob!

I love Sweden's news in English. I love it even more when it involves big rig truck accidents coupled with a driver under the influence and just the right amount of masturbation. Wait. What?

From The Local - Sweden's News in English, we learn of "A German trucker suspected of driving under the influence of drugs." Now, the only reason that this suspicion was brought to the attention of authorities was because said trucker actually ended up crashing his vehicle at some juncture in western Sweden. The article nonchalantly continued with, "He subsequently admitted to masturbating at the time of the accident." Subsequent to what, exactly?? And is that what they're calling it in Sweden these days? "The influence of drugs"? I don't think that they are!

But see, here's the problem when you crash your big rig during a moment of intense personal pleasurement: Once you've caused that sort of an accident, you're really going to have your hands full! (Pun totally intended. As will be all of the subsequent puns that you'll run across here.) I mean, what do you do if you have this whole accident dealio to tend to, but you haven't quite finished your previous commitments, if you know what I mean. (Of course you do. This is a story about a masturbating trucker whose shipment had gone awry, of course you know what I mean!) Well, if you're this trucker, you don't let a little thing like a flipped truck and trailer deter you. You just keep right on going about your business. Good Lord. What?

Correct. The man overturns his truck, blocks all lanes of traffic going one direction, blocks one lane of traffic going the opposite direction and what does he do? "The man remained in the vehicle with his hands apparently still clasped around his own gear stick..." And with writing like that, how can one not love Sweden's news in English? You can't! You've gotta love it. Not quite as much as this trucker guy was loving himself, but be very fond of it at least!

According to something referred to as "the local Borås Tidning newspaper", "The trucker, apparently unable to reach a satisfactory climax, then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation." OK. Wait a minute! WHAT?!

Continued?! Continued to pleasure?! That's not a lot of pleasure for those doing the interrogating!! Here's my first question during such an interrogation: "What the hell is wrong with you?!" It's followed closely by my second question in that same scenario, that being, "Do you want to stop doing that or do you want me to beat you senseless with this stick that I'm always carrying around with me?" That's how my interrogation begins in that situation! Of course, this scenario only holds true provided the man is wearing pants. If he is de-pants, pantless, or in any other state of being unclad over the nether regions, then my first question is no longer a question, it's a statement. That being "Put on your damn pants!"

A police prosecutor, a one Åsa Askenbäck, is quoted as saying, "He was masturbating while the police interrogated him." And again, my question is WHY?? WHY was he doing that?! Because let me tell you, if I'M there? Oh, he is so NOT doing that during the interrogation! NOT so much! How does one even conduct an investigation or an interrogation with someone doing...that in the midst of said process? What were the authorities doing? Shielding their eyes? Did they turn their backs? What? Are they looking in the other direction AND interrogating? "Um, sir, I'm just going to look over here while you finish up your date night there. So, can you tell me what happened? Was the crash before or after all of the masturbation?" "Can you tell me how long you've been a masturbating truck driver?" What is wrong with Sweden's policemen in Sweden?!

The same police prosecutor is quoted as also saying, "He has admitted that he was not paying full attention at the time of the accident. He was playing with himself instead of focusing on the road." Oh, do you think?! Not paying full attention at the time of the accident?! Hell, he wasn't paying full attention at the time of the interrogation! And for the same reason! I'm not even sure why the interrogation was necessary. Here you have a truck, all flipped over and blocking traffic, and a truck driver who can't even take the time to get out of the truck because he's too busy finishing off what I'm sure was a simply lovely evening! Perhaps things got a bit out of hand when he found himself telling himself, "Faster! Faster!"

Here's the thing (well, one of them): The truck flips over. Unless this man has the concentration of David Blaine, not to mention extremely agile dexterity, I find it hard to believe that he wasn't at least temporarily disengaged from his prior engagement. So he's manuevering his own gear shift knob there, the truck flips over, gets all bent over traffic lanes, and then he just calmly goes back to doing what he was doing?!?! While I can appreciate the attentiveness to the details there, I'd really appreciate it a bit more if your details didn't involve his own penis!

But in a bizarre twist that I did not see coming, "The suspicions against the man have now been extended to sexual molestation." Sexual molestation? Of what? Himself?!! Is that actually a crime in Sweden? What if you're in a truck? Is it a crime then?? I don't understand that at all.

But I do understand that "The German trucker, who is in his thirties, has admitted all of the charges directed against him." I'm sure that there will be a stiff fine associated with that one. He could be doling out money for this one hand over fist.

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Useless Lists Five Years Later

Not only do I have yet another example of craptastic reporting, but this time it's accompanied by additional craptastic reporting which only serves to EXPAND on the original report of crap. And I'm a little surprised by this one. I can't quite figure out the appeal which caused multiple news outlet sources to run with it. Maybe because it's quirky. (Actually, it doesn't matter what it is because it's crap. Quirky, quirky crap.)

The story starts out like this: "Insurance.com has compiled a list of the 10 most dangerous foods to eat while driving. The site notes that eating distracts you from driving and that distracted drivers are one of the leading causes of accidents." First of all, what am I? Four? Eating distracts you. Distracted drivers crash. Therefore, eating is a distraction. You will crash. Morons.

But here's the odd part: That list from Insurance.com was originally posted in 2004! What the hell? FIVE years later and someone finally reads it and thinks, "Hey! Eating is a distraction. I should let everyone know this. But I won't let them know that it was written five years ago!" I'm so confused.

The article even cites a 2001 study that Exxon did. I don't know about you, but I prefer any study that has to do with human behavior to be relatively recent. Eight years ago is not relatively recent. Do I behave the same way that I did eight years ago? Not so much. (I'm a little more shout-y these days.) Anything that is citing 8 year old research I'm going to question. But that's just because I'm not a member of the mainstream media, which sort of explains why they didn't question anything.

Seriously. US News and World Report, UPI.com (with their "100 years of journalistic excellence". An interesting claim for a dot-com.), the Chicago Tribune, and the list goes on and on. Not ONE of them mentions that the list was compiled FIVE years ago. Nope. They're all just churning it out like it's brand new.

And almost every article on this particular five year old topic (including the original one over at Insurance.com!) misstates the findings of some study that was done. The study says that "80 percent of...rear-end crashes...and 42% of near-crashes" are due to distracted driving. Eating while driving is considered a distraction. Therefore, the conclusion that these morons came to is that 80 percent of crashes are due to eating while driving. In fact, over at the New York Daily News, they went with the headline "Eating while driving causes 80% of all car accidents, study shows". Good Lord, you'd have to be an English language learner on your first day over there at the News in order to come up with that headline.

Now while the Insurance.com article doesn't come right out and state that incorrect conclusion, the whole article is centered around food and eating while driving, leading one to assume that's the connection. Why the need to lead folks astray for this particular issue, I have no idea. I can't even fathom one. Well, I can't even fathom one OTHER THAN idiocy. But as long as I'm on the subject of the 10 Most Dangerous Foods to Eat While Driving, let's look at their list of those 10 foods that will kill you in your car.

Number one is coffee. You know, because it's hot and it can spill and burn your grundle. No one likes a burnt grundle on their morning commute. Or anytime, really. But coffee? VERY dangerous to drive with. Then the list starts to get a little wacky.

Hot soup. What the hell? Who is eating soup whilst they're driving? Are we talking broth here? If we are, then let me amend that to: Who is drinking broth whilst they're driving? Chicken Soup for the Distracted Driver's Soul? I don't get it. (What if they mean udon noodle soup? Folks with a steaming hot bowl and a pair of chopsticks just barreling down the freeway at 80mph. That's not distracted driving, that's asinine.)

Tacos. Insurance.com says that "Any food that can disassemble itself will leave your car looking like a salad bar." I'll concur.

Chili Dogs and burgers. Anything with the greasy, slop factor can be a distraction. One bite and everything just ends up coming out the other end (which is actually the case anatomically with a lot of fast food).

Barbecued food. This has been altered in other articles to read "Ribs and wings". Who is driving along with a rack of ribs on the dash? But here's their rationale: "The sauce may be great, but if you have to lick your fingers, the sauce will end up on whatever you touch – and that wheel will be tough to grip." Yeah, you know what else makes the wheel tough to grip? Eating ribs! Usually those take TWO hands!

Fried chicken. Really? You folks just can't wait until you get that bucket from the Kentucky Colonel home,eh? You have to dive right in while you're stopped at that light? When do you squeeze in the corn on the cob and the baked beans? Metering ramps? Toll plazas?

Jelly donuts. Sure, I suppose the center could squirt out, but only if you were eating a jelly donut that wasn't one of the crappy ones that are being sold everywhere lately. There's barely a spit of goo in the middle of them and they're FAR from messy. I'm not saying it's OK to eat one while you're driving, I'm just saying that it's not like eating those ribs or anything.

Soft drinks. They say that they can spill (true) and that sometimes the carbonated fizz can go in our noses. Wow. These folks must try to anticipate every aspect of every potential disaster out there and then over-prepare for it. Me? I'm OK with the "fizz risk". I'll chance it. I'm crazy like that.

Chocolate. Because it's melt-y.

WHO is eating this stuff in their car? Coffee and soda are about the only legitimate ones on there. Well, the dogs, burgers and tacos are definitely all items that are eaten in the car by many drivers. But give me a break with the soup and the ribs! Those are not vehicle fare! If they're going to include those, then there's definitely a few that they left off of their list. Allow me..

Spaghetti and meatballs! Garlic bread on the side, optional.

Cracked crab/lobster. You'll have to crack it yourself, but you could probably just put it underneath the gas pedal and then step on it to crack them open. Use your drink holder as a container for melted butter and then dunk it in there.

Peel and eat shrimp. Use another cup holder for the cocktail sauce. Arrange the lemon wedges on top of your steering wheel for easy access.

Freshly sliced watermelon. Don't slice this ahead of time. Slice it in your car, on the dashboard. If you're doing this while stopped at a light, be friendly and offer some to the drivers in the lanes next to you.

Fondue! A nice big boiling pot of cheese or hot oil, various skewers with which to spear the cubed bread and assorted meats and you've got yourself a disaster that's just waiting in the wings. Fondue while driving WILL distract you.

Well? Five years after the fact, do you feel safer now? I can't really say that I do. I'm a little bit more irritated, I'm slightly more amused, but safer? Not so much.

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