Top Ten Mug Shots of 2009

Since it's the end of the year, it's inevitable that there are going to be a bunch of lists. Being as how it's also the end of a decade (a decade which, after ten whole years, no one still knows what to call it) you're going to run into a lot of lists which try to cram the past ten years into a Top Ten or a Top Twenty or, in some inexplicable cases, a Top Nine. (What's with the nine? You couldn't come up with just one more for an even ten?) You're in luck here because I'm sticking to a nice round Top Ten and the time range is only going to be for the past year. What's that? The content of said list? Why, that would be Top Ten Mug Shots, of course.

First up we have a one Dale Lee (of Flori-Duh, naturally) who was arrested by the Pasco County Sheriff's Office on August 30, 2009 for aggravated battery and sale of marijuana. Yo, Dale! What say you take some of the money you're making on your weed sales and go find yourself a qualified dental professional to take care of those chiclets of yours there, all right? All right. Good Lord man, you're going to frighten small children walking around like that.

Next up is a one Tracy Tredway, the principal of an elementary school in Rochester, Indiana who, according to The Weekly Vice, was arrested for drunk driving after leaving a Halloween party. And while it's unfortunate that he was out driving around under the influence, it's more unfortunate that we aren't able to see his high heeled shoes and his wig that he was wearing with his floral print dress that he was driving around in at the time. Behold!

Nice. Nice touch. Good example for the kids, too! Sure.

As I'm sure you have already guessed from the content of this post, a lot of these folks will hail from Flori-duh. That's the case with Jason Vibber, seen here in his mugshot which accompanied the story over there at WFTV News of him getting arrested for burglarizing an apartment and getting caught wearing latex gloves and carrying a TV. According to the story, "Vibber's mug shot shows the suspect was visibly upset when arrested." There's only one thing that I dislike more than a thief and that's a thief that cries when he gets caught stealing someone else's stuff. Get a job, loser. And while you're at it, get a Kleenex.

Here we have the Bacon Bandit, a one Luann McKinnley (again from Florida, this time the small town of Stuart) who was caught stealing a 3-pound bag of bacon from her employer, a Perkins restaurant. Hey! Wasn't Perkins the same coffee house where one of Tiger Woods's hoes worked? I think it was! I wonder why this chick didn't just hook up with Tiger instead of stealing bacon?

Oh. That's why. Never mind. Carry on.

Speaking of Flori-duh, this one speaks for itself. Don't we all just adore the facial tattoos that people get? Sure! They're all completely upstanding citizens and probably all have above average IQs, right? Um, yeah, not so much I don't think. I don't know, maybe you should tell me. Here is a one 22-year old Sean Roberts and his Flori-duh facial tat. Behold!

Huh. A tattoo of Florida on his face as evidenced by his mug shot which was taken after he was arrested. I'm leaning toward moron with this guy. I mean, it's not even a good tattoo! And do you really want people to know the second that they look at you that you have an intense fondness for America's wackiest state with the lowest cumulative IQ? I don't know why you would, but apparently he did. (I have the feeling that "lowest cumulative IQ" factors in here somehow.)

I don't have a lot of information on the fellow below, but judging from his mugshot, I'm going to have to say that he was either working on one of the world's worst disguises or he was arrested exactly half way through becoming clean shaven. Behold!

I really don't know what else to say about that. Nor do I know what to say about the woman below. She looks awfully confused. I'm not sure if she's confused as to why she's under arrest, how she managed to get arrested or, the most likely, what in the hell happened to her eyebrows.

The chick below, well, I don't even know how she could have stayed awake long enough to commit her crime (which was, by the way, stealing and eating meat and cheese from a deli counter in Dayton, presumedly Ohio). According to WCPO, a one 50-year old (Good Lord! 50?!) Maria Magobet ordered meat and cheese from the deli counter and then walked out without paying for it. She must not have walked very far before chowing it down because when the cops caught up with her, she was still chewing! Maybe if she had better manners she wouldn't have drawn their attention because "officers say they saw bits of lunch meat on Magobet’s mouth and shirt." And I must say that I do believe them...mainly because you can still see crumbs on her mouth that were there when they took the picture for her mugshot!


Then there was Donald Earl Fite, III. Mr. Fite was arrested in Oregon and charged with first-degree aggravated animal abuse, fourth-degree assault and coercion. Those charges stemmed from, among other things, his becoming "angry and violent" when his ex-girlfriend (whom he wanted to get back together with) "...told Fite she had plans that night, and they didn't include him" according to OregonLive.com. The ex-girlfriend managed to flee and when she returned to her apartment, "...she found her fish in the middle of the floor with a knife through it." Upon his arrest, Fite told the officer that he had, in fact, impaled the fish and that he realized that it was a stupid thing to do. But he had a reason! He said that "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish." Huh. I can't imagine why she broke up with him in the first place! It's a mystery all right!


And I'm going to wrap up this list with a one Henry Earl.

Oh, sure, his mugshot might not look like much on the surface. But when you hear of the milestone that ol' Mr. Earl reached this year with that very mugshot, then you'll understand. See, that mugshot marks the 1000th time that Mr. Earl was arrested. That's not a typo. Those are three zeroes. One. Thousand. Arrests. The only thing more surprising than that is that he was arrested all of those times in Kentucky and not in Flori-duh. Aim high, Mr. Earl. Aim high.

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The Third (And Last) Top Ten Searches Of 2009

Tired of reading about the top ten searches of 2009 for the various search engines? I'm kind of tired of writing about them, really. But I find it interesting that the Yahoo! and Google searches differ in the ways of social networking (Google) popularity versus geeky and/or redneck entertainment (Yahoo!) popularity, the top ten Bing searches are neither of those. In fact, the Bing searches almost make you wonder if Bing folks are actually searching for information on something of either newsworthiness or substance. Granted, most things on the Internet barely qualify for either of those, if at all. I'll give you that. But Bing searchers weren't just interested in hotties and Facebook. In fact, Facebook didn't even make the top ten over yonder at Bing. Guess those folks, unlike the Turkish Internet users, can figure out how to log in to Facebook without having to go through a search engine. Congrats.

Number Ten on Bing this past year was for Jaycee Dugard who was kidnapped in 1991 when she was 11 and was found living in what was basically a prison camp in the backyard of the scumbag and the scumbag's wife who kidnapped her. A fascinating story, really. Of course, not to Google or Yahoo! searchers, but fascinating none the less.

Billy Mays here for the Number Nine most popular search on Bing! Yeah, ol' Billy Mays, the pitchman for OxiClean, Mighty Putty and a host of other infomercial-tastic products could also have been the pitchman for "You'll Be Dead If You Have Heart Problems And Insist On Doing Cocaine".

Bing searchers can't stay completely away from the tabloids and that's why Jon and Kate Gosselin came in at Number Eight. I'd like to know exactly what the searches were for in regards to Jon and Kate. I'm guessing things like "Jon Gosselin is a douche" and "Jon Gosselin sex tape" were probably more frequented than they were not.

Cash for Clunkers earned the Number Seven slot. Apparently Bing searchers were less interested in Megan Fox's arse and more interested in how they could get around $4,000 of their car purchased subsidized by the rest of us. Let's see if "Unsustainable Taxpayer Subsidized Programs" makes their Top Ten, shall we?

I was glad to see Patrick Swayze make Number Six. Not so glad that he made one of the top ten searches because he was dead, but glad that he made it at all. He seemed like he was a really good guy and it's unfortunate that folks don't seem to realize that about people until after they're dead. What say we try seeing the good in people and letting them know about it while they're still around to give an S about it, eh?

Farrah Fawcett came in at Number Five and that's really a huge injustice. I mean, come on! She had to die on the same damn day as Jacko? What are the odds of that happening? She didn't get nearly the public mourning attention that she deserved. She was Farrah Fawcett for cryin' out loud! I'll bet you that most people will see her name on this list (provided they're not too busy searching for "Brittney Spears naked") and think "Oh, yeah, that's right." You only get one chance in this world to croak it and Michael Jackson steals your thunder. Hope it's going better for her now, that's for sure.

Stock Market took the Number Four position while Swine Flu took third. Considering all of the swines that are running around on Wall Street, it's not really surprising that these two ended up so close together, but it is rather ironic.

And effin' Twitter came in at Number Two. See? NO ONE knows what in the heck Twitter is! Still! Look for it to come in at roughly the same degree of search-i-ness next year, as we're still not going to know what it is or what it's good for. (In case you're still wondering what Twitter is, it's the Internet platform for people to display their vanity to the rest of the world that they think cares about their every move. We don't, by the way. We wish they'd stop with the tweeting already.)

And of course poor ol', dead Jacko comes in at Number One again. Who would be someone who could croak tomorrow that would get the kind of searches that Jacko got? I'm drawing a blank. Oh, President Barry. If he were to choke on a chicken bone or something and kick it, the Internets would freaking explode. Let's hope that doesn't happen. President Joe Biden isn't something I'm OK with just so I can see what would happen to the Internets.

I find the difference in the types of searches between Google, Yahoo! and Bing to be telling. I think that it tells me that there's something out there for everyone and they're going to look around until they find what's right for them. Can each one of those search engines do anything differently in order to tap the other one's market? I would imagine that they could (hell, those Google boys can do darn near anything), but I couldn't even fathom a guess as to how. How do you draw a certain group of people to your search engine, for cryin' out loud? I have no idea, but that's why I am the Internet user and they are the Internet makers. Good job, guys! Carry on!

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Top Ten Things You're Not Searching For

I've just glanced through the top Internet searches for 2009 on Google and on Yahoo! and I've come to this conclusion: The Internet is a toy which we use strictly for our enjoyment and pleasure. I've also concluded that while most folks are morons and judging strictly on what was searched for, folks that are searching on Yahoo! are simpletons compared to those searching on Google.

Let's just run down the Top Ten Searches for 2009 on Google first, shall we? In a very particular order, starting with Number Ten is something called Torpedo Gratis. I believe that translates roughly to "free torpedo". I would like a free torpedo. (It'd be a nice conversation piece. I never know what to say when I have company.) I have never thought of searching for one however. But since so many people did over the course of 2009, I figured I'd better check it out. It is a website in Brazil that allows you to send a free text message from your computer to a cell phone. I guess that's needed in Brazil. Hard to imagine it doing very well in the US.

Number Nine was equally puzzling to me, as it was something called Dantri.com.vn. It's in Vietnamese, so just looking at the page didn't help me a bit. But according to something called Xomba, "...it is a Vietnamese page where you can find news...Each news has its own headline that you can select to see the whole information." OK, so it's like a news aggregator t kind of a deal, only in Vietnamese. I get that. (Then again, Xomba could be lying. I don't know. It could be Vietnamese human trafficking and porn for all we know.)

Number Eight was Windows 7. Finally something I understand!

Number Seven was Lady Gaga. Crap. Right back to things I don't understand.

Number Six was New Moon (the sparkly vampire movie sequel thing to Twilight, the sparkly vampire movie original that started it all!).

Number Five was another head scratcher. It was something called Sanalika and according to the European Tech Crunch it is "a virtual world where you can play multiplayer games and join realtime events. It was launched on November 2008 and has already reached over 3 million users." That doesn't help me understand why it's so popular, but it seems like it has to do with little anime characters, and no one can ever help me understand why those are so popular, so I'm just going to have to take The Google's word for it that folks like it.

Numbers Four, Three and Two perplex the heck out of me. Four is Twitter (which is perplexing in and of itself, I realize that, but stay with me here), Three is Tuenti (which I think is pronounced like "twenty" and is basically the Spanish Facebook) and Two is Facebook. Now, I understand that those sites are popular, but I don't understand why they would be so popular on a Google search that it would warrant them being the top second, third and fourth search for an entire year. I wouldn't have thought that so many people didn't know what they were that they needed to search for them. But I only thought that because I was wrong. Fortunately for me, I can use Google to actually search rather than using it to be lazy, which is what would account for this phenomenon.

Back to the Tech Crunch folks for the answer to this. They claim that "Most Turkish Internet users search for the domain or keyword of a website on Google then click on the first search result to go to the actual site." Wow. I don't understand. I thought computers were computers. Do they not have the automatic fill in thing with web browsers in Turkey? You type in the URL once and then it remembers it? Or better yet, they don't have bookmarks in Turkey? Y'all can't bookmark your damn Facebook and click on that? Instead you type "Facebook" into Google and then click on it. This is why Turkey is Turkey and the US is the US. No further explanation needed. What is wrong with people?

The Number One search on Google this year, if you haven't already figured it out, was Michael Jackson. It took the guy dying for people to want to pay attention to him again. That's pretty sad. I'm not saying that he didn't bring a lot of it upon himself, I'm just saying that it's pretty sad. I'd like to think that maybe if he had known how much people had liked him and how many people had liked him that he wouldn't have had nearly all of the issues that he had. But it's the answer to that and other questions that are much more important that can't be found through a Google search. The Google is to entertain you and me and to make Sergey and Larry a gazillion more dollars. That's it. That's the sole purpose of the Google. The Google is like the Internet version of The Oprah (only without the intermittent weight gain and the lesbian rumors about Gayle King). It's to entertain and to make money. Tomorrow I'll delve into how Yahoo! is just like The Google...only without the making money part.

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