Deep-Fried Fair Fat Goodness

It's time once again for the State Fair of Texas and that means loads of deep-fried goodness and deep-fried weirdness. Those two are often one and the same. The eight finalists for the Sixth Annual Big Tex Choice Awards have been announced. Let's see what we have to look forward to, shall we?

Up first is the Deep Fried S’mores Pop Tart. I'm not overly impressed with this one. It's just a S'mores flavored Pop Tart that has been battered and dropped in the fryer. OK, they serve it with some chocolate syrup and whipped cream when it's done, but how practical is that, really? You can't stab a Pop Tart with a fork, so I would imagine that the consumption process of this is going to be a little tricky. Then again, I've never had a Pop Tart that has been deep-fried, so maybe that does something to the chemical composition (of which the entire Pop Tart is comprised of).

In the category of ANTTA (Absolutely Nauseating To Think About), we have something dubbed Fernie’s Fried Club Salad: Take a big ol' spinach tortilla and put in some diced ham and diced chicken, shredded lettuce, carrot strips, cherry tomatoes and some bacon. Roll that sucker up and deep fry it like you would a chimichanga and throw some deep-fried croutons on top of it when you're done. Give the insane individual who wants to eat that a side of dressing and you're done. I have several issues with this. Who wants their lettuce deep fried? Or warm, for that matter? Not I. I'm also perplexed by the description given of this atrocity over there at About.com/Dallas, as they seem to imply that it is served on a stick. How does that work? Why would you want it to work like that? A stick? No stick. Get rid of the stick.

Who doesn't want lemonade when they're at a state fair? And who doesn't want that lemonade deep-fried? Wait? Deep-fried? That's right! Deep-fried! Deep-fried Lemonade! Simply take a lemon-flavored pastry (whatever that is supposed to mean) that has been made with lemonade and bake it and then fry it up. Glaze it with some lemonade, powdered sugar and lemon zest and you've got yourself...uh, something! You've definitely got yourself something there!

If there's one food that says "Texas" it's a Frito pie. And if there's one thing that says Texas State Fair, it's Deep-fried Frito Pie. Somehow, a one Nick Bert has managed to take chili and cheddar cheese, cover it around in Fritos, batter it and chuck it in the grease without the whole thing falling apart. Now that's some talent right there! He'd better do it right. Texans don't like folks messing with their Frito pies. I have to assume that it tastes better than it looks, there. Good thing they're not judged on presentation.

Abel Gonzales, Jr. is no stranger to deep frying things for the Texas State Fair. His deep-fried butter won the competition last year. He also had winners in previous years with his deep-fried cookie dough and his deep-fried peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwich. (Why add the banana? I have no idea. Deep-fried PB&J sounds fabulous all by itself.) This year he has concocted something called Deep-fried Chocolate, though I don't know why he calls it that. It is a brownie, stuffed with a piece of white chocolate and a cherry. Then that is dunked into chocolate cake batter before it hits the grease. He tops it all off with powdered sugar, cherry sauce and chocolate whipped cream. I still don't get why it isn't called a Deep-fried Brownie.

When I heard that there was something called Texas Fried Caviar, I couldn't imagine that would go over well. Texas doesn't seem like much of a caviar state to me. Turns out, Texas caviar is black-eyed peas. Now that makes sense! Simply take some black-eyed peas fried and add some "special spices" and some Old Bay seasoning (which is presumably different than the aforementioned special spices) and fry away! (I kind of think that a better name would have been Fried Texas Caviar. Everything else starts off with "fried", so why should this be any different? It's only going to confuse fair goers.)

I've saved the best two for last! The Deep-fried Margarita and the Deep-fried Beer! Bring 'em on! I think that I'd probably be more partial to the margarita, even though I am a big fan of beer. Take some sweet funnel cake batter and mix in either tequila or tequila flavored wine. Fry that baby up and dust it with some sort of lemon-lime mixture and served it in a salt-rimmed plastic glass. It sounds lovely. Although the deep-fried beer sounds just as lovely. It's basically a pretzel pocket with beer inside. Take one bite and the beer pours out, as it should. It's beer and pretzels all in one! What's not to love? You do have to be over 21 to purchase either one of these delectables, as they're not in the fryer long enough for the alcohol to burn out, as it shouldn't.

There you have it. Deep-fried goodness at the State Fair of Texas for 2010. It's a good thing that this dealio is only once a year. If people were to eat this kind of stuff all year 'round, the results would not be good. If one were to indulge in this kind of cuisine frequently it would be as a friend of mine said last night, "They might as well have chairs lined up with IVs filled with heated Crisco. Cut out the middleman." Well said, friend. Well said, indeed.

moreless

I Can't Believe It's Not All Butter

Wingnut animal rights activist group PETA is the MASTER of PR. If there is ANYTHING at all in the news having to do even just a little bit with animals, whether they're being abused or mistreated or not, PETA is ALWAYS all over a story like that with their own quirky little outcry of denouncement. This time, their target is a trifecta of "offenders; the Iowa State Fair, a one sculptor Sarah Pratt, and a whole lot of butter. The astronaut and the surface of the moon are simply extras.

According to the New York Daily News, the IowaState Fair is "known for its butter cow". In case you're wondering (and who wouldn't be) what in the heck a"butter cow" is, it is just what it sounds like it is. It's a cow. Made of butter. It's a cow made out of butter. A butter cow. Behold!

That's a lot of butter. But it's not quite as much as you might think. I needed to know more about the history of the butter cow, mainly how it would come about that someone would conceive of the idea of sculpting a life-sized cow out of the delicious dairy spread. I mean, I know there wasn't always a lot to do before the Internet rolled into our lives to suck up any amount of free time that we once had, but how bored do you have to be to occupy yourself by carving bovine creatures out of one of the many, many culinary delights that we receive from the magical cow? Pretty bored, I'm guessing. But the point here is that when I went to the Iowa State Fair website to glean more knowledge about this practice, I was disappointed to learn that it wasn't a solid cow o'cholesterol, but rather "...a wood, metal, wire and steel mesh frame and about 600 lbs. of low moisture, pure cream Iowa butter. Once inside the 40-degree cooler, layers of butter are applied until a life-size butter cow emerges - measuring about 5-1/2-ft high and 8-ft long."

So it's going to be pretty thick, but it's not going to be solid. I don't see why they can't just start from a big blob of the stuff and then carve away. Slathering the stuff on the mesh frame sounds like tedious work,but it doesn't sound like it would take as much "talent" or "skill" as it would to carve out the creature from buttery scratch. But mind you, they've done this since 1911 and not a peep out of PETA before now. But now? Oh, NOW they're peeping all right. And it's all because Michael Jackson is dead. Wait. It is?

It IS! See, for some reason, it was decided "...days after Jackson's death that they also would display a sculpture of the King of Pop." Why? I'm not quite sure about that, but it might have something to do with the butter scultpure in tribute to the 40th anniversary of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon and someone deciding that what would really kick that tribute up a notch (and confuse the bejeezus out of fair goers) is to throw a butter sculpture of Michael Jackson in the mix as well. You know, so it will be JUST like the REAL moon landing. Or not. (Apparently, the Michael Jackson connection is that it's the 40th anniversary of man walking on the moon and Michael Jackson did the moon WALK. Granted, man walked on the moon in 1969 and Jackson didn't debut the moonwalk until 1984-ish, but it's still practically the same!)

Enter PETA! Over on their blog they write "Believe it or not, the organizers of this year's Iowa State Fair are considering erecting a statue of M.J. made out of butter." I don't know that the "believe it or not"part is all that necessary. I mean, I've heard of worse. They go on to write that the problem with the butter sculpture of Jacko is that "... the notion of promoting artery-clogging butter to young passersby is quite the opposite of "healing the world"." I don't know that they're promoting EATING the sculpture! There are also OLD passerbys I would imagine as well. What about THEIR artery-clogging impressions that they will undoubtedly walk away with after catching a glimpse of Buttery Michael?

And in a move that is supposed to appear as if PETA is not a media attention whore, they suggest that the fair"...make the statue out of Earth Balance, a dairy-free natural "buttery" spread" because that will be be honoring his memory in a (cholesterol-free) way that's fit for a king." Clearly, the folks at PETA have not seen pictures of kings. Kings looked like they were FAR from concerned about cholesterol. Turkey leg in one hand, a stein of grog or ale in the other. (Yeah, yeah, I know the ale and the grog are pirate fare, but I was drawing a blank on what kings got plastered on.)

First of all, a State Fair is HARDLY The place to start trying to advocate ANYTHING that is cholesterol free. State Fairs have given us such delights as the deep-fried Twinkie,

the giant cream puff,
the deep-fried Oreo
and Fernie's Fried Chili Frito Burrito. (That's a flour tortilla stuffed with chili and Chili Cheese Fritos and then deep-fried. Good Lord. And I say that in the best possible way as it looks delicious.)

Hardly the place to be on the no-cholesterol kick. Besides, it isn't like anyone is going to be EATING the Butter Cow. I highly doubt that you're allowed to get close enough to it that you could just lap out with your tongue and take a long hearty lick of it. And I'm going to assume that it will be that way with the Buttery Jacko sculpture as well. No one is going to be able to lick him either. Wait. Um...yeah. Too soon? Onward.
But of course, because Michael Jackson is and seemingly forever will be in the news, PETA had to latch onto this story and now PETA is in the news. They're in the news being mocked and laughed at by most, but again,when you're a media attention whore like PETA, you don't care. You're just happy you have followers who believe your drivel. And speaking of drivel, in the PETA blog post, there were some folks who left comments. Allow me to share with you some of the wisdom of those who read the PETA blog. Behold!

"Sounds like a good alternative to me. A statue made of butter probably sends the wrong message for MJ." And what message would that be? HOW is a statue of butter sending the WRONG message for Michael Jackson? What would be a better medium for the sculpture that would send the RIGHT message? Make it out of silicone like the majority of his body parts? Construct something out of used syringes? I don't get it.

"WHY NOT SOME THING WITH FLOWERS? I BELIEVE HE WOULD LIKE IT MORE IF HE WAS A LIVE" Um, if he were a live what?

"Build a statue out of metal thats a replica of the one in the promo video for his canceled This is It tour, put it in Gary Indiana, and let it be the end of all this madness. If it worked for Freddie Mercury it will work for Michael Jackson." Wait. If WHAT worked for Freddie Mercury? Queen? Death? And while I have NO idea what this person is talking about in regard to the promo video, I don't know that a hulking metal statue of Michael Jackson in Gary, Indiana is going to signal the END of madness!

"They should have built it out of recycled tins (: You get more colour and its good for the enviroment. :D " Recycled tin what? And how exactly are tin sculptures of recently deceased pop stars "good for the environment"? I don't get it.

Yeah, they're geniuses. Or is it geniuii? Whatever it is, those are the sort of folks who listen to the PETA folks.Those comments alone should tell you plenty about the PETA organization and its followers as a whole. PETA. It should stand for Please End The Asshattery. It'd be more accurate.

I don't know that anyone should care about whether or not there is a sculpture of Michael Jackson made out of butter or anything else for that matter at the Iowa State Fair. You want to have a big butter cow next to a big butter Neil Armstrong next to a big butter Michael Jackson, have at it. I'm not going to go home and slather myself in butter because I saw those things at the State Fair. (No, I'm going to go home and slather myself in butter because that's just Friday night in my household.) I'm SO not disturbed by the fact that butter comes from cows and they're going to make a sculpture out of the cow production product. However, I AM quite disturbed by this fact: "Much of the butter is recycled and reused for up to 10 years." Wait. What?

TEN years?! REUSED?!?! Why is THAT not news?! Why am I hearing about a Buttery Jacko when the butter that is going to be used could be the same butter that was used at the fair in 1999?!? Shouldn't we be hearing about THAT?! Where do they store it over the years? One would think that 600 pounds of used fair sculpture makin' butter takes up a lot of room. That you can keep the used butter and keep on using it for up to TEN years is more of a reason for me to not want to consume butter than telling me that butter isn't a good way to honor Michael Jackson because he deserves better than butter or some crap like that. Tell me that butter is kept and used for up to ten years for this little oddity of Americana and then you'll be gettin' somewhere with me. THAT sort of logic I will listen to.

moreless