Politically Correct Spring Spheres

The politically correct Nazi task force is at it again. This time, in their idiotic quest to make an issue out of anything that doesn't need to have an issue made out of it, they are attacking Easter. That's right. It's a war on Easter. And if these morons get their way, no longer will there be mention of 'Easter eggs'. No, instead we're going to be calling them 'spring spheres'. Uh, wait. We're what? Correct. Spring spheres. Let's go over to mynorthwest.com and learn about the experience that a sixteen year old girl named Jessica had when she volunteered for a third grade class at a school in the Seattle area.

Apparently, a week before the spring break, the students that are Jessica's age commit to a week long community service project. A fine, fine idea. Jessica decided to volunteer in this particular third grade class. Now, at the end of the week, Jessica said that she "...had an idea to fill little plastic eggs with treats and jelly beans and other candy, but I was kind of unsure how the teacher would feel about that". See, she was unsure because the school has something called "abstract behavior rules." I had not idea what in the world "abstract behavior rules" were, but I came to learn that they were just what they sound like. Stupid and unnecessary. "She said that I could do it as long as I called this treat 'spring spheres.' I couldn't call them Easter eggs." Oh, my God.

Spring spheres?! That is the most ludicrous thing that I have ever heard. First of all, I'm just going to point out that an egg...IS NOT A SPHERE!! A sphere is perfectly round. A ping-pong ball is a freaking sphere! An EGG is NOT a sphere! Second of all, is anyone really going to be offended at the term 'Easter eggs'? OK, let me rephrase that. Is anyone besides asshats going to be offended? No? OK, then. So, why are we doing this?

I have no idea. But if you think this is going to catch on, you're wrong. Thankfully, you're wrong. According to Jessica, "When I took them out of the bag, the teacher said, 'Oh look, spring spheres' and all the kids were like 'Wow, Easter eggs.' So they knew." See?! They're not spheres! They're Easter eggs. Freaking, fracking Easter eggs. Why we even entertain these notions at all is beyond me. People just deal to deal with stuff. No, wait. People just need to stop accommodating people who want to complain that they can't deal with stuff. They're not spring spheres. They're certainly not spheres at all. They're Easter eggs. Deal with it.

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Happy Gluttonous Easter

Happy Easter. In honor of Easter, let's take a look at some Easter candy ingestion statistics from the UK and try to figure out what in the world is going on over there.

According to an article by those fine folks across the pond over there at The Telegraph, a mystery shopping company (whatever the heck that is) took a poll and found out that "Children will indulge in an average of more than two-and-a-half kilograms of chocolate over the Easter holiday." Wait. Two and a half kilograms?!

A kilogram is around 2.2 pounds. Thus, 2.5 kilograms would be the equivalent of 5.5 POUNDS. Of chocolate? Eaten?! By children?! (I'm pretty sure that somewhere in here there's some sort of a joke about the stereotypical Brit with bad teeth, I'm just a little unsure of how to phrase it, so that's going to have to do.)

The article goes on to state that "...a typical 200g Easter egg has 990 calories and 50 grams of fat, with youngsters aged 10-14 eating an average of 13, many first thing on Easter Sunday." Wait a minute here. A 200 gram chocolate Easter egg is "typical" for those folks? How many grams in a pound? (Let's see....four quarts in a gallon...two cups in a pint...takes one to know one....what's good for the goose....what was the question?) 1 pound = 453.59237 grams. Thus, 200 grams would be a little bit less than half a pound. That's TYPICAL?!?!

This cannot possibly be correct, can it? And these kids are eating thirteen of those eggs? Well, of course they are, considering that they're eating 5-1/2 pounds of chocolate. That would add up to thirteen of them. How can that be? Why are the Brits buying their kids so much freaking chocolate for Easter? Are they trying to find one thing that they can out-do the US at? How about they pick something else? Something not quite so gluttonous? Or something that could possibly be attained. Trying to out-do the United States at overeating would be the equivalent of trying to out-do Tiger Woods at cocktail waitress banging. It's (sadly) just not going to happen. U-S-A! U-S-A!!

The article says that "...the 15 to 19 age group weighs in with 11 (eggs) each" but "the 40 to 59-year-olds and over-75s have the lowest consumption, with an average of just one." So, these folks are buying pounds and pounds of chocolate for their kids, but limiting their own egg consumption to just one? That seems...counterintuitive at best. They give their kids tons of chocolate eggs, but consume the absolute minimum themselves. I'm still noodling through why this would be. Soft, soft headed individuals is what I'm guessing. Whatever the answer, it certainly isn't rooted in anything rational or justifiable.

We also learn that "Seven out of 10 parents have adopted the American tradition of holding a 'hunt the Easter egg' event for their children." First of all, it's an Easter egg hunt. If you're going to adopt it, at least call it by its given name. Second, we're absolutely not hunting for half pound chocolate eggs. The outdoor Easter egg hunts that I participated in as a small child involved real eggs! They were hard-boiled (because it would have just been weird otherwise) and dyed different colors, but they were real eggs. In addition to the real eggs, there were also those colored plastic eggs that you could put like ONE tiny chocolate egg inside of. Again, if you're going to adopt something, try to keep our wacky ways in tact, would you? Thanks.

I don't know what to think about all of this (other than next year right before Easter, it might be time for me to invest some money by buying some sort of confectionery stocks or glucose meters). Five an a half pounds of chocolate in one day. Even when I was a little kid and that would have sounded like an appealing event to partake in, I highly doubt I could have done it without some sort of reversal of fortune occurring before the end of the day.

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